Dark void of space [ Log 1 ]

Sol

The cockpit and the dark void of space brought back memories of events I wished had never happened, and part of me started to question my decision to travel between the stars once again.

Was fulfilling Captain Leav’s wish a good enough reason to continue my existence when all my crew had turned into stardust a long time ago? Not by itself, but when I added Laya’s wish to see the beauty of the distant worlds, it tipped the scales, outweighing my hesitation. With time, as I came to learn the wishes of my new crew, even if they never spoke it aloud, I knew I could never go back and wish for oblivion.

Even so, and even if the ship was fully operational, I found myself unable to leave the bridge or stop monitoring its performance, even though cruising outer space at this speed didn’t really require my attention.

“I did it, Sol, I stabilised your core!”, Laya announced from her seat, smiling as she took off her simulation helmet.

I smiled and walked over to her console, leaning over her with my hand resting on her shoulder.

“Well done”

She grinned at my compliment, making me forget, for a moment, about the dark void of space that surrounded the ship. I was impressed that she had managed to pass the A5-level simulation. I knew that anyone occupying her seat needed to pass N-4 to earn that right, but the war was over a long time ago, and I had stayed true to the promise of teaching her to become a Chief Engineer.

I checked her harness and left her to play with another simulation as I walked back to my station to run another set of diagnostics. Laya got up to stand behind me, putting her hands on my shoulder as I checked the auxiliary shield generators on the starboard side. I looked at her, surprised, wondering what had happened when she asked softly,

“Are you okay?”

She came around and sat on my lap, resting her head on my chest, not giving me a chance to reply.

“What happened?”, I asked.

She didn’t answer, and only looked at the flashing diagrams on my console as she took my hand in hers.

“You should rest…”

Her words hung in the air. Even if I didn’t need to sleep, I understood what she meant, but I was far from being done with my task.

“This is important…”

She frowned at my words, knowing as well as I that we would probably never use those systems. The war was over a long time ago, but ‘what if’ had haunted my mind since we embarked on this journey, forcing me to make sure my crew stayed safe, no matter what.

“You are important too”, she pouted.

I tried to ignore her words with a smile, but she looked at me with teary eyes and reached out to touch my cheek.

“It wasn’t your fault, you did what you could”

I froze as the memories of that day flashed before my eyes.

“You are like sis”, she continued.

She answered my unspoken question as tears rolled down her cheeks.

“It wasn’t your fault, Sol….”

I put my arms around her, letting her rest her head on my chest as she shivered and huddled against me. We stayed that way until she fell asleep in my arms. I didn’t dare move or wake her, so I gazed into the dark void of space before us, feeling her warm body curled up against me.

Soft footsteps broke the silence, which until now had been filled only with the hum of machinery, now fading into the background and becoming almost inaudible. I turned my head and saw Elsa coming onto the bridge, her hair still wet after the shower. She looked at us, surprised, as she halted next to her seat, pulled an old blanket from underneath and wrapped it around us.

“Our happy blanket”

She smiled and sat down, turning her seat towards me.

“We spent many watches like this…”

I looked at the worn-out fabric wrapped around us, hoping it would shelter Laya from bad dreams just as she believed it would, before my gaze fell on Elsa. She watched us with a sad smile that answered my question.

“How old was she…?”, I asked.

She leaned back, pulling her legs up on the seat, and lit a cigarette.

“Four…”

I watched the smoke swirl in the air, pulled towards the aircon vent in the ceiling before I could even smell it.

“And you…?”

She blew another cloud of smoke, watched it disappear, then turned to the control panels that displayed an endless stream of data.

“Sixteen.. It was a mining accident….”

I wanted to reach out, but Laya rested in my arms, and I didn’t want to wake her up. But Elsa understood my gaze.

“It’s okay, Sol, it was a long time ago”

Her words made me wonder how she could have let go of those memories so easily, but something in her face told me she hadn’t. She had just found something more important to care for.

“She likes you...”, she whispered.

I smiled, feeling Laya’s breath on my chest as it kept the dark void of space at bay. So this is how she had pulled through all those years. Should I also let the stardust slip through my fingers and float freely in the space where it belonged, rather than desperately hold on to something that was gone a long time ago? I didn’t know, but I hoped I would find my answer as we travelled between the stars, carrying cargo and seeing all the beauty Captain Leav had wished for me to see.