My Dark Lord Roommate

“*CHOMP* THIS IS DELICIOUS! WHAT’S IT CALLED AGAIN!”

“...It’s a jumbo bacon cheeseburger, also don’t talk with your mouth open.”

“I can’t help it, this is my first meal in so long. It tastes so heavenly!”

I was sitting at the living room table, sitting across from me was Eve in her true form. It’s like she was a sponge who got filled with water, she’s completely different from her withered state. Speaking of which, before I decided to share my food with her, I picked her up and tossed her into the bathroom. I told her to take a bath since she still smell, then she questioned how the tub worked. I set the water, threw in one of my bath bombs, and told her I’d leave her some clothes outside the door. After that I left and cracked open a window to let her smell out. Cue this and burning some scented candles, Viola! The house is finally fresh again. I lent Eve some of my older clothes, a long sleeve shirt with some shorts. Don’t worry I gave her an undershirt and some undergarments.

Now she’s eating one of my burgers and half the fries I gave her. She was perplexed at first, so I demonstrated with my burger how she was supposed to eat it. I guess she forgot how to eat since it’s been so long, thinking that I started to sip on my cola. Eve noticed the liquid through the translucent straw and started looking curious.

“What’s that black water you’re drinking? It’s not that black bean water is it?”

“You had coffee back in your era, and no it’s Cola.”

“Cola?”

She began tilting her head like a cat, it was kinda cute. She started staring at the cup of Cola, so I decided to mess with her.

“It’s basically water that attacks you.”

“Nonsense, who’d drink something like that!”

“You don’t believe me?”

I passed her the cup and offered her a swig, she picked it up confused. She then mimicked how I used the straw and began sipping the Cola. Her next expression was priceless.

“Wh-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS! My tongue-MY TONGUE JUST GOT ASSAULTED!”

“Hahahahaha!”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her, Eve picked up on this and began to prod me for bullying her. I got my drink back and continued to work on it, immediately she looked disgusted at me.

“Gross, you actually like that filth!”

“It’s an acquired taste.”

“I never thought I’d say this, but I prefer the black bean water over that venom you just gave me.”

I almost spit out my drink to laugh again, I guess I now know how to convert someone to being a coffee lover. I started to pick at my fries, but then Eve began talking to me as she pieced apart her burger.

“Oh yeah, I should probably explain things.”

“Explain? Are you gonna finally tell me your lifestyle?”

“No, I’m talking about why I agree a bit with the guy who beat you.”

I froze for a moment, not this again. I slowly found myself losing my appetite, my wounds might be healed but my heart isn’t. I stared down at my plate, and that when Eve said something surprising.

“Why do you act like you’re ashamed?”

“What?”

“The only good thing that jerk said was that you shouldn’t drag people into your pity party. You take pride in your parents right? So why are you ashamed of your heritage, celebrate it with a smile on your face. Who cares what other people think!”

I paused for a moment as Eve continued to eat, as if she just didn’t drop a bombshell. I never expected to hear such kind words, and it’s sad because she’s right. I started to find disdain with Crypt Walkers, my parents died because of them and the weird stuff I bring to school makes people hate me. So what? I love my parents and even though it brings me pain I love the weird stuff my aunt and uncle send me too.

Thinking about it that way made me feel better about everything, I found myself munching into my food with renewed vigor. Eve saw this and chuckled a bit.

“Heh, you’re eating like you’ve never seen food before. Weren’t you the one who told me to slow down?”

“*Sniff* I can’t help it, it tastes good.”

Why am I crying right now? I guess I finally realized how much of an idiot I am.

****

“Alright I think it’s about time I asked.”

“What is it now?”

I looked at Eve trying to figure out how to phrase the question I’m about to ask, I just told myself screw it and asked the question.

“Eve by any chance are you that “Eve”, you know the one from the origin of humanity.”

“...Huh?”

“Well it’s just, your name is Eve and then you clearly came from a forgotten time. Then you just gave some sage advice, so I thought that may-”

Immediately Eve threw the wrapper from her Cheeseburger at my head, I picked the wrapper off the table and looked up to see her face beet red.

“WHAT KIND OF IDEAS ARE IN THAT HEAD OF YOURS!”

“So you’re not her?”

“NO YOU DOLT! Remember that Coffee appeared long after that time, how would I know about that then!”

She has a point, Coffee originated in the 9th century. So this means Eve must’ve come from the dark ages, that also explains why she’d know about myths such as Vampires and the like. Afterall, stories like that were often traced from that time period. I looked over at Eve again who was still fuming, why is she so upset?

“On top of all that, that Eve had like a hundred kids. I’M A VIRGIN GODDAMMIT!”

“Oh, my bad! Although with a body like that, it makes sense that you were-”

“ON THE BEHALF OF ALL MAIDENS LIKE ME, DON’T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE!”

Eve’s body was crimson and she was steaming, I should stop here. I decided to bring her a peace offering, so I went to the fridge and grabbed her one of the ice cream sandwiches I had. She stared at it like it was some sort of witchcraft.

“What the devil is that?”

“Something sweet.”

“....”

She starred at the wrapped confection for a bit, then begrudgingly took it and unwrapped it. She fell in love after her first bite, she looked like she wanted more but I told her to watch how much she ate. She looked like she would beat me, until I reminded her that she just got her organs back. She doesn’t know how well her body will break down food, even though she looked shocked the moment I reminded her of that. Then as if to break my sanity, Eve asked me something insane.

“...How do people excrete waste again?”

“HOW DO YOU FORGET TO TAKE A CRAP!”

****

After watching some more random anime, including a boxing one that Eve began mimicking, I decided to show Eve to her quarters.

“What is this place?”

“My aunt’s room, but since she and my uncle are overseas in some ruins somewhere, this place is your room for the time being.”

“YAY!!!”

She began running and jumping around like a toddler, she must’ve been happy about getting a new room. I told her to make sure to keep the room as tidy as possible, and also decided to inform her about tomorrow’s plans.

“We’re going out tomorrow.”

“Huh? What do you mean by we?”

“You don’t expect to wear my clothes forever right?”

Eve remembered I lent her some clothes, and I can’t keep lending her stuff forever. It’s gonna expend some of my funds for this month but it’s a necessary expense. After pondering to myself, I looked to see Eve giggling and looking like she was ready to explode.

“No way, so you’re telling me-THAT I GET TO GO ON AN ADVENTURE OUTSIDE! YYYYAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“....”

Dear god, it’s like I’m her parent. What kind of roommate did my uncle send me?