Nia - Farewell (2)

“You lost your Aspirant and… you don’t care?” Lera asked.

Her voice was low, though a threatening undertone ran through it. Immesh leaned forward, his eyes fixed on nothing.

“Exorcist Lera… You haven’t held your rank long, have you? I’ve heard of your Lucidity—high, unnaturally so—and that cold heart of yours. But the Shaded Lands are different. Out here beyond the Shields are the real Nightmares… Anyone can be gone in an instant. You might run into a horde that overwhelms your Sky Stone and tears everyone apart. You could have Possessed slip in at night and butcher your camp. Or one of the Deep could find you and show you the terrible core of existence… The Panic we fought, there are no words for it. Not only what we saw, but what we felt was beyond our grasp. I’ve said before that I’m strong in mental fortification. I trained it diligently. Do you think I indulge my admittedly vile appetites for no reason? They force me to harden my mind even more. Otherwise, having faced that thing, I’d be ash by now, like the men and women I led to their Waking. Yet we had to know, didn’t we? What was out there…”

The room had fallen silent. Lera stood as if frozen, saying nothing for a while, then picked up the fallen chair, set it upright, and sat again. Her mood seemed altered; she nervously ran a hand through her elaborately braided hair.

“How did you get away? Did you defeat the Panic? Or did you flee from it, overwhelmed by its power? Is it coming?” she whispered.

Immesh held up what was left of his whip. “I sacrificed this and barely finished that miserable creature off. It’ll take a while to restore it. Losing a whip is…” He trailed off and inclined his head.

“I’m sorry,” Lera said, sounding genuinely sympathetic, which surprised Nia.

“It is what it is. I’ll have to call off this expedition. We’ve taken such a blow that continuing the research makes no sense. Well, whatever—these are just dumb houses with no meaning anyway. You should head back too,” Immesh said flatly.

Lera glanced briefly at Kelwin, thinking.

“Exorcist Immesh, we’re heading north. That’s our mission. We must find this Seed. Maybe we can destroy it—wouldn’t that be wonderful? No more Nightmares nearby. And we’ll go down in history,” she said.

“Are you taking your scum with you? Isn’t that dangerous?” Immesh asked skeptically, eyeing Nia.

No, ignore me, you filthy man…

“I have her under control. At best she’ll keep the Nightmares in check; at the very least she’ll make an excellent piece of bait,” Lera replied.

“Be careful. If she breaks free…” Immesh growled, looking at Nia with even more contempt than before, .though a strange unease flickered there too, almost hidden beneath the delight.

“She’s under control, as I said. I can ask anything of her now. I believe she’s broken. And if she isn’t, I’ll send her into a world of pain until she is.”

“It’s your choice,” Immesh remarked, his tone almost concerned.

What do you care? I can practically smell your vileness… Nia thought.

Everything in her wanted to recoil from the man who, even weakened, still radiated menace and seemed to fill the whole room more than Lera ever could.

“Well, the other one’s your problem, I’d say. Rules are rules. No two Possessed with one Exorcist, unless it’s temporarily unavoidable,” Lera said.

“What does that mean?”

“It means I have a gift for you. Something to keep you entertained on your way home.”

Nia’s eyes widened.

Uda! No… that disgusting bastard can’t possibly... No! What am I supposed to do?

Panic surged through her, and she fought the urge to speak.

Keep your mouth shut, or he’ll have his fun with you too. You can’t do anything for Uda. She’s lost. Think about yourself…

Yet it wasn’t that simple. Uda had never thought only of herself. Never.

Why? WHY?

And suddenly, Nia understood that she wasn’t like Uda. She wasn’t a hero. She never had been. The thought struck like a blade, leaving only emptiness where hope should have been.

Fuck, I can’t. I can’t save her! And I owe her! SHIT! she screamed inwardly as her eyes grew wet, finding comfort only in the distant void in her soul.

I’m a worthless piece of trash… But I have to reach the Seed. I have to know… Who’s responsible? Is there someone else to blame for what happened? Someone? It can’t have been only me! It can’t just be the way things are…

A coldness crept through her body, and nausea rose in her throat. She stayed silent while Lera spoke almost cheerfully.

“Well, you certainly don’t deserve it, but I actually have one of them for you. Even better—a Seductress! Isn’t that just your thing? You can strengthen your fortitude even more,” she sang.

Immesh’s expression twitched, as if he were about to lose control, but he quickly composed himself and grinned broadly.

“A… Seductress? Are you sure? That’s wonderful. It won’t bother her if I… She’s already prepared for it, isn’t she?” he asked, licking his lips.

Lera’s face twisted in disgust, but she forced her smile back into place.

“Yes… Oh, what you say is truly revolting, and if she weren’t possessed, I’d slay you here and now. But since she is… I hope you have an intense time with the slut. I must warn you, though—she’s cunning and a little beast. It’ll take time to break her. I tried, yet in the end I had more fun with this one,” she said, gesturing toward Nia without even looking at her.

“Leave that to me. She’ll surely have many… new experiences. When she arrives in Hilt, the clerics won’t have any trouble getting intel from her, I’m sure. I once brought on elike her to them, and they were very enthusiastic about his willingness to talk. Somehow he managed to awaken, though. He was in quite a hurry. But that was long ago. They’ve probably grown more cautious by now with guarding the rare detained Possessed,” Immesh mused.

Lera waved a hand dismissively and stood.

“We’ll be leaving immediately, I think. You’re back on your feet, after all. Any objections?” she asked, eager to be far away from the Exorcist.

“Yes. Keep heading north. But take a detour; I had quite the battle. A lot’s probably still burning, and some of my Shines might still be active,” Immesh warned as Lera turned away.

“Your Shines? What’s that supposed to mean?” Lera asked, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

“My way of channeling the holy Light of our goddess, Sisona. But I wouldn’t want to bore you with the details—you understand?”

Lera nodded. Nia wondered what he meant, though she had no desire to find out what those Shines were. She hurried down the stairs after Lera and Kelwin.

The two were so caught up in preparing their expedition that Nia soon managed to slip away, left only to the mercy of her thoughts. The Hunters packed swiftly, and by the next half-day Nia stood beside Lera’s horse and watched Immesh’s Hunters assemble to see them off. They looked tired and beaten, nervously scanning the surroundings. A cold wind tugged at their clothes and whistled between the boxy houses.

Kelwin stood a little away from Nia with his own horse, while Lera’s Hunters waited behind him for further orders. They were ready to leave, tents and other gear loaded onto the wagons.

“It was… interesting to see you again, Exorcist Immesh!” Lera called with fake gratitude, glancing around the group.

The hunters in front of her all saluted, forming the circle with their arms across their chests as Nia had seen so many times before. Each time, the memory of that glowing circle stabbed through her thoughts, making her flinch.

If only I didn’t have to wear this cruel necklace… But I deserve it. Filthy, weak, broken… I must get to the Seed…

She couldn’t help it. The faint hope that the guilt flashing through her mind might not be hers alone pushed her deeper into reflection. Some part of her simply wanted to know… to understand. She drew on the emptiness the abyss had left within her, letting it help her focus.

I must get to the Seed. I’m a worthless piece of trash…

She was so wrapped up in herself, the burning at her neck, and her racing thoughts that she barely noticed Diga step forward and stand before her and Lera.

Diga saluted. Her voice trembled, her lips quivered oddly, as she spoke to the Exorcist.

“Exorcist Lera, I request a transfer to Exorcist Immesh’s unit. I’ve come to realize I cannot meet your requirements. Yet I still want to prove my loyalty to the Radiant Order by eradicating Nightmares. That’s why I became a hunter. Please: allow me a transfer!” she begged.

Nia disliked the faint tremor of fear in the girl’s voice. Lera dismounted gracefully and soon stood before the hunter. She embraced Diga exuberantly, but Nia could just make out her hissing words from a short distance.

“Good girl. Consider yourself lucky I let you off easily. Now you won’t keep bothering my Aspirant. It’s foolish to form strong bonds with other hunters, and bodily desires almost always end badly; something you probably know as well as anyone, you bitch. I can see he’s weakening, and I’ll protect his career from a slut like you. Never show your face to me again.”

Nia fought to keep her eyes from widening. The chill in Lera’s voice made her shiver; she had only heard the Exorcist speak like that to her and to Uda before. Lera released the embrace, stepped back, and theatrically dabbed at her eyes.

“I grant it, Hunter Leader Diga. Exorcist Immesh has agreed to take you into his ranks with pleasure!” she proclaimed to the group.

Nia saw faint, shimmering tears tracing down Diga’s face. The young woman let out a small, trembling sob as she glanced toward Kelwin.

“It’s all right, Diga. There’s no shame in admitting your weaknesses as a fighter. It’s good that you care about the Nightmare Hunters and prefer to serve in another area of duty,” Lera said, giving her one of those overly sweet smiles.

Nia couldn’t hold back a grin of her own.

You deserve it, you horrid woman. When I think of the things you and that sadistic Aspirant did to me... it’s almost a shame. I would’ve loved to see you suffer longer, to watch you try to form a bond only to have it torn apart again…

Then she thought of her own bond with Locu—one she hadn’t earned, only been given. And she had failed it. She hadn’t even truly understood what she had. The realization stung, a quiet echo of the pain she carried everywhere.