Volume 1 – Chapter 18

He’s asleep beside me – breathing quietly, one arm still wrapped around me.
I’m afraid to even move – not because I might wake him… but because I might lose him.
I watch him in the half-light of the room, and my heart aches – with happiness, with fear, with memories.

Once, I thought love was just a word people said to not feel alone.

When I was little, I often heard my mother crying in the kitchen – my father slamming the door.
I used to hide under my blanket so I wouldn’t hear it, pretending I was the captain of a pirate ship – brave and free, sailing far away where nothing could hurt me.

School wasn’t better. I tried to be like everyone else, but somehow I was always… extra.
Said the wrong things. Wore the wrong clothes.
No one invited me out.
No one waited for me.

I still remember the first time I was left alone in class during lunch – that was the first time I thought, “Maybe something really is wrong with me.”

Eventually, I stopped trying.
Why bother, if kindness was never returned?
I closed off. Started living in my imagination.
And there – Marissa was born.

Loud, funny, fearless – everything I wanted to be.

When the streams began, things got easier. People came, wrote messages, laughed.
But it was still them – through screens.
And after the stream ended, I sat alone again in silence.
I’d take off the avatar – and it was just me again.

No one knew, but there were nights I cried right before going live – then wiped my tears, put on a smile, and said, “People come for joy, not for sadness.”

One December was especially hard.
I kept getting sick. Problems piled up. Depression. No sleep. Streams flopped. Almost no donations.
I’d lie there thinking, “If I disappeared… would anyone notice?”

But I didn’t disappear.
I just kept going. Because I couldn’t give up.

And then… he appeared.

At first just a name in the chat.
Then a small donation.
Then jokes – warm ones. Sometimes about the stream, sometimes about me.
Sometimes just kind words – about how I tried, how my streams cheered people up.

I didn’t know how to react. I wasn’t used to kindness.
But I started waiting for him – for his next message, his next question, his next “hi.”

Then came our first date.
He brought a hair clip – shaped like a pirate ship, custom-made.
I nearly fainted from how nervous I was.

Then the pendant – with a note inside:
“You’re needed by many people. And I’m one of them. Always.”

And so many beautiful moments after that.
For the first time, I felt truly happy.
Maybe for the first time – truly alive.

But then… that night happened.
Karen… her words…
And suddenly I was that girl again – the one left alone in class.
Believing, even for a second, that I really was worthless, ugly, pathetic – just… unnecessary in this world.

But then…
He came.
Held me. Didn’t scold.
Said he loved me – even more than before.
He wasn’t angry that I broke my promise.
He said he was proud of me.
That I was real, alive.
That I could speak from my heart.
That this was my beauty.

I cried again – but this time not from pain.
From joy.
From the warmth of being seen.
Truly seen.

Not as Marissa.
Not as a “captain.”
Just… as me.

Now I’m lying here beside him, listening to his breathing, watching his eyelashes tremble in sleep – and thinking:

Thank you.
Thank you for appearing.
Thank you for not being afraid.
Thank you for staying.

If only you knew how often I used to ask myself, “Am I needed by anyone?”
Now I know – I’m needed by you.
And you – by me.

And I’ll never let you go.