Date 420

I held my dead mama’s hand before my older brother set her on fire.

It is a common Hindu ritual of a funeral, but the act of burning a loved one’s body is not without its contradictions.

Each person holds different ideologies about it.

For some, it is a sacred duty; for others, a cruel necessity.

For me, it was a moment of profound confusion.

Some say burning the dead is cruel—that burying allows the soul to rest peacefully, but the act of burning a loved one’s body is not without its contradictions.

Likewise, my blunt and uncompromising uncle, papa’s older brother, informed me that Hinduism believes in reincarnation, where the soul is reborn into a new body after death.

On the other hand, my lovely, yet cranky grandmother told me the human body is made up of five elements :

Earth, Water, Fire, Air, and Space.

Cremation allows these elements to return to nature, completing the cycle of life.

The priest echoed this, adding that fire is sacred and purifying. Burning the body, he explained, cleanses it of any lingering attachments and impurities, allowing the soul to move on to its next life.

But as I watched the flames consume my mother, leaving only ash, I couldn’t help but wonder:

If fire was truly a purifier or simply a destroyer?

Was this even a liberation or an erasure?

While my dignified brother told me that it’s a way to let mama go without any pain, I say it’s better this way than let her suffer another minute under our household.

Furthermore, I heard tales or rather the complaints my papa’s father would make against her. In a household over 20 people, my mama was the alarm, the utensils, washing machine, dishwasher, shovel as well as the mop of the house. And just like the hands of the clock, she would go back to bed and start all over again from dawn.

Tragic of all, she still continued her role even when she was pregnant with my brother and me.

Now, I no longer have my teacher, my role model, my best friend, and my supporter.

It was no cancer, no heart-attack…

It was her mere gender that took her away from me and my brother.

Regardless of her tiredness, she made sure that my brother was well-fed during his exams whilst keeping an eye out for my mischief.

If it weren’t for the society expectations that chained her down, she would be here, enthusiastic, with my brother celebrating his college entrance exam.

Yet, she was the only one in the family who was the saddest that… I would soon follow her footsteps.

“I will soon be at peace, but you will soon be in pain.”

My mother’s last words along with her first smile and last stroke of my hair.

That made me realize that I have her long hair, finally tearing up as I would be my mama’s next replacement.

Ignoring my cries, the the persistent priests dutifully murmured the last rites—shlokas I barely understood, their Sanskrit syllables blending with the sound of the wind. The scent of burning ghee, camphor, and sandalwood mixed with the heavy weight of our grief.

The elders were relived to finally see the child cry, or else their tongues wouldn’t have resisted the temptation to bring the family’s name lower than it already is.

A dry-eyed child is a dangerous blow to the fragile mindset of the elderly community.

He immediately sensed something wrong in me.

As quick as a falcon, his presence was over at my side within minutes.

“Excuse us for a moment.” He bowed his head towards the crowd, fortunately to be wavered by grandma along with occasional side glances from the aunties.

“Am I next-xt?” I choked up on my tears, locking him in a tight bear hug.

With having asked for the permission, my brother pulled me to the side, away from the crowd after recovering from his shock of my sudden discovery.

“No.” He pulled me up and carried me in his arms.

As I watched the last embers fade, I couldn’t shake the feeling that my brother and I would need each other more than ever.

A distant memory surfaced…

… I waddled my tiny slippers off, letting it sink into the sand.

“How do you know?” I looked up to his stiff face.

“You have to have faith in me.” He finally looked down at me, his puffy red eyes glistening, tears threatening to fall with every second.

Despite our decade years of gap, it was at this moment that I felt closer to him than ever before.

While I played with my stick-figures, he worked through mock-tests.

When he would revise for the next day’s exam, I was already dozing off.

I clutched my brother as he continued to console me.

“You know? Being a man isn’t that great and all. Look at me, I had to shave off hair for the custom. Could you ever imagine losing your silky-luxurious hair?” He tickled me while pulling me up to his shoulders.

My brother had shaved his head that morning, as per custom, his forehead bare without the familiar locks of hair. He had been given the torch, his hands trembling as he performed his duty—the eldest son, now the man of the house.

I rubbed my hands on his bald head, genuinely giggling for the first time in a year.

“You what? I am taking up that entrepreneur business or whatever with the boys and make ourselves filthy rich and you get to live the princess life you want!”

He patted himself for such an innovative idea when I was the one getting bribed by his friends to get him on the boat.

“Oh yes! My great elder brother, the genius of all!” My shaped my hands into a crown for his pride to get nestled into it’s cozy throne.

The waves came somberly across the sand, calm and safe enough for me to run through them. The setting sun’s diverse colors seemed like it leaked into the ocean for how iridescent the seabed looked under the waters. The nature was blooming out so much so I could go on how I-

“I will never let them force the choice on you. You are the rival and the drive I am going to need to move on with my life.” He closed-opened his mouth, took in and out breathes before closing his eyes for the unwavering wind to take their next course of action towards his eyes.

Before I knew it my slippers were soaked in the nastiest sinkhole of the sands that made my brother laugh at me.

“DID YOU NOT SEE WHERE TO LAND ME!” I started to crush his finger under my indefinite, overwhelming strength that gained me the ‘FLY-SLAYER’ title.

Even in the stillness after the ceremony, I still could recall the joy of the beach, a soothing reminder that life continues midst sorrow.

“Ow! Stop acting like a crab! You are a human, act like one!” He pulled back his finger back to lick it intensely, while keeping an eye out if the waves were to kidnap me.

“Serves you right!” I screamed back at him only to be slammed down by his humongous body, choking in some of the seawater. His high pitched laughs instantly morphed into to….. low grunted …..giggles?

Just like the fire that consumed my mother’s body, the waves lapped around me, a cleansing force against my grief. With the smoke still lingering in the air, I found myself at the beach, where moments of joy felt distant.

Except it’s not my brother, but a familiar stranger. I feel like I have some sort of relation…ship with him?

“Serves me right? You’re the one who threw salt water at me and now I can’t see a single thing! How am I should to talk you, now? Without looking at those nut-job of a….” I wondered why he didn’t say anything until I saw why.

My thumb was hovering over his lips.

Bubbles rose to my cheeks.

This guy now had a mole right on top of his lip’s corner, but beyond that I couldn’t make any sense about his other features.

It was like an anchor in the sea of blur.

It was as if I was forbidding myself to look up.

I couldn’t look up to see my brother’s face because of his height.

Now, I can’t figure out this guy’s facial features even though I am now an adult. His features swam, dissolving at the edges. I fought to hold them in my mind, but the image was crumbling, like sand through my fingers.

Just as the fire consumed my mother’s body, the waves lapped at my feet, a cleansing force against my grief.

“What’s wrong?” He budged his nose into my palm, descending down onto my neck, in attempts of not letting me drown in the salty water.

“Hmm, at best a ‘C’ for attempting.” I felt a sharp dungs around my waist making me give in to his temptation. His sharp breathes kept tingling near my ear.

“Really? A ‘C‘? I have never ever gotten any grade other than A.” He muttered while trying his best at ‘tormenting me’ by his tickles.

“Well! There’s always a first at anything.” I couldn’t hold it in.

My laughs and giggles rippled the waves as much as I hope it wouldn’t be so embarrassing. I tried to subvert his arms and make my way to the land, to feel his damp legs cross-crossing mine. My body tumbled down in the water, scattering very single drop on my clothes and laughs. Again, I tried my escape and made a run for it only to be tackled and pinned down once again by the posh gentleman.

For some reason, the mood felt to grow out.

“Let’s go on our 27th date.” He pressed his forehead across mine.

The sun switched it’s shift with the moon. Doing their jobs dutifully, the star aligned themselves in a masquerade of dazzling patterns taking my breathe away each time. Their light ignited a sparkling glow around the atmosphere. With due time it matched it’s momentum with the rhythm of the ocean. Waves became gentler and steadier each second, it no longer had that frantic splash. It became colder and hotter at the same time. Could be because our clothes were still damp from the water fight and as well as our beating heart and flushed cheeks?

It send shivers down my spine.

Neither of us were ready for the next step.

But we knew time didn’t wait for none.

“Alright,” I declared. “Where will you take me, my broke prince?”

The skirt wrinkled in salt, was way beyond help as no matter how many gymnastic jumps I attempted, it still stayed anti-poofy.

As stubborn as me were my shoes waterlogged, heavy with seawater and sand.

My hair was completely drenched in salty water with hints of sand grains, before gravity and love worked its magic.

“Anywhere nature won’t make you take your eyes off me.” He grinned out his pearly depth smile with those adorable dimples that I would sell every organ of my body for it’s worth to be felt on my cheeks. He wouldn’t stop twirling me around until I started to nickname the ‘human rip-off-merry-go-around’. Ecstatic as he was, I was more satisfied at the fact that those twirling did improve my outfit’s condition a bit too well. Upon noticing my gleamed up smile at my till swirl of my skirt, he slipped down the sand and started to stargaze.

The view of the stars were ripped away from him…. because of that blur.

I couldn’t make out his eyes, with each truth unfolded.

I wished I could have opened up about it, but I don’t think it’s what required right now.

His hands were spread across mine, just as I covered my knees with the skirt across the sand.

I am doing with the most of my abilities to pain this vivid picture as vividly. But it won’t do justice, if you weren’t there with us.

I am not sure with the correlation among the these three people- my mother, my brother, this man whose face I can no longer see.

But, I can assume that these instances could have been the only times when they were truly themselves around me.