Why the hell everyone's crying

The next day, Diana awoke early and changed into a second pair of her outfit she had worn the day before. The sight of everyone in the footage crying had irked her for reasons normal minds would never understand. As a result, she was going to replay the events of the day, and to do so, step one was dressing the exact same. 

"My head's been pounding all damn night. Fucking tears are gonna mess with my ad revenue. I need to find out why everyone's bawling like a loser," she thought as she finished lacing up her sneakers. 

Though heading out much earlier than she did before, Diana couldn't give a fuck as she had plans to do other stuff later in the day.  The first stop was where she met Pablo. Nobody was there.

"That karate bitch isn't here. I ain't waiting for her either," Diana scoffed as she moved on to the restaurant. 

The restaurant wasn't open yet.

"Fuck."

That left Paco's, and unlike the others, Paco's was there, and so was the sukeban that beat up Pablo. And we do mean the real Paco, not his mechanical monkey, though that was charging nearby. With his gelled hair, stylish attire, and handsome face, many would think Paco was a famous stylist, but he wasn't. He was just a guy running a shady bald fetish joint, and an instant billionaire thanks to trading Gameslop and other meme stocks.  

"Whoa, whoa, Kuina, you're actually down? I thought you said you'd never," Paco gasped. 

"That bitch pulled my hair and it hurt like hell. I never wanna feel that shit again." 

"You do know our longest cut is a complete head, face, and eyebrow shave and wax with a complimentary eyelash plucking."

"Then I'll just wear a swim cap." 

"That's hot too."

"I think I'll just kill you."

But before Kuina could raise her chain, the monkey sprang to life and restrained her, yanking off her mask to reveal her pretty face, before crumpling it up, shoving it into her mouth, and looping the straps back over her ears to make a makeshift gag.

"And business policy allows me to shave any offending rule breakers as I see fit," Pablo proudly huffed as he shoved Kuina into a chair and flicked on the clippers. 

Kuina's muffled protests rang out, yet the whole town wasn't gonna wake up at 7 AM on a Saturday just to save her ass. The spectacle of her going bald would be worth it for some to see, but there was no need to get out of bed when Diana was secretly streaming the whole thing. 

Though Kuina was furious her hair was being sheared, the more the shave went on and the balder she became, the more her roars reduced to whimpers. Especially when after being shaved smooth, she was subjected to another full round of shaving cream before the brutal eyelash plucking and waxing. 

Yet oddly enough, Kuina seemed to mellow out, even look a tad happy at her smooth state. 

"And all smooth. Now if you had dragon tattoos on your head you'd look sick, but I know-"

"Do it."

Paco's jaw dropped. "Y- You sure?"

Kuina began to blush. "You said it would make me look sick, so don't leave me with just a bare head... baka." 

Paco's heart was impaled by the arrows of Cupid in that very moment. With hearts in his eyes, he decorated the back, top and sides of Kuina's head with stylish scale tattoos, matching the ones already on her shoulders. 

Once she was done, she turned to Paco and smiled before shoving him into the chair and pressing her hand against his mouth. "Now it's your turn, darling," she swooned as she began shaving the pretty boy bald to match. 

Diana meanwhile watched and filmed with an unamused scowl as the two openly flirted. "Yeah, I wanted to try and get shaved for shits n' giggles, but now you flirt fucks deflated that. Fuck this, I'll head over to Machu Picchu." 

As she turned, she was met with the grinning face of the mechanical monkey. "Oh shit, I bout to be caught and fucked. Least it'll be on camera," she grinned. 

But the monkey didn't restrain her. Instead, its head popped off and steam spewed forth from its body. 

"Fuck, it broke... Machu Picchu," Diana grumbled as she headed out. 

The now completely hairless couple of Paco and Kuina continued to make out, until Paco turned to see his ruined robot. "My... My million dollar monkey... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

...

At the sight of a mesoamerican pyramid, Elzbieta glared at Diana as she filmed herself dancing at the top of the pyramid. 

"What?"

"Diana, why are you going on and on about this being Machu Picchu?"

"Cuz it is?"

SLAP! 

"I swear, maybe it is best we get deported so I don't have to put up with this trip anymore."

"Why would we get deported?"

"Oh I don't know, maybe for disrespecting one of the nation's most treasured sites!"

"But I love Machu-"

"THIS ISN'T MACHU PICCHU!" 

"Wait, really?"

"Yes, Machu Picchu is in Peru. This is not Peru, this is Mexico," Pablo growled as he limped up behind the two. 

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT! PICASSO'S BACK!" Diana cried as she swung her hand, knocking Pablo off balance and sending him tumbling down the stone steps.

Upon reaching the ground, blood began to pool out from his motionless body. 

"Eh, looks fine. This guy's a stuntman I think," Diana scoffed. 

As crowds began to form around Pablo, Elzbieta furiously grabbed Diana by the wrist and dragged her down the back stairway. 

"Uh, why we leaving? I wanna see an Aztec sacrifice-"

"We're leaving, because I'm NOT going to end up in prison here!" 

That being said, the two were naturally stopped by customs when attempting to board their plane. 

"You there. We've been looking for you. The man you pushed off the pyramid is dead. We can't thank you enough," the officer nodded. 

"Huh?" 

"That man was an infamous Russian spy and ex-Yugoslav war criminal. He's been hiding here for years, ingraining himself in the local politics and becoming untouchable. Many tried to take him out, but he was too strong. You've saved us. We've never been happier!" the officer smiled as she wiped away her tears. 

Diana scowled in complete confusion as her brain shut down. 

"Ah, I'm glad then. Well, if that's all, we must return home to Lithuania," Elzbieta smiled as she dragged Diana along. 

A few hours into the flight, the tap water finally took effect. 

"Ah fuck... FUCK! FUCK!" Diana cried as she trembled before the occupied stall. 

"Why? Why did grandpa Pablo die? I still needed to learn all his techniques?" the woman inside the stall cried. 

The gurgling of Diana's stomach indicated revenge might soon be close at hand, but unfortunately for karate girl, the other occupied stall became unoccupied and Diana was in. 

...

Back in Lithuania, Diana scowled as she stared at all the footage she had taken. "Fucking shit, more crying. Ugh, I can't upload this shit now. Fuck... I'll just do Elzbieta's shave so people know why she looks like a sugar skull... Blugh... After... I shit..." 

[End]