I Can Hear You
I’ve been alone in my room for hours, it’s 2:00 AM right now, it’s been three and a half hours since I heard that voice, now I don’t really know what to do… My brain tries to convince me that it couldn’t have been Miss Sara’s voice, she is… Well, dead.
It’s weird when you don’t know what you should do, when you doubt what you know, but I’m sure that it was Sara who talked to me, could it be that I just couldn’t accept what happened? Yes, it must’ve been something like that, right?
I came to work, as usual, second day here, not as late as yesterday, but I wouldn’t mind coming later, or not coming at all… I just couldn’t close my eyes for more than a few minutes during the whole night; “Help” was the only thing on my mind, I just couldn’t abandon the idea of hearing that, I must know, is there something secret behind her death? Maybe she could still be alive, but I’m sure I saw her corpse, is there something that I shouldn’t have heard in this hospital…
Suddenly I felt something on my back, and well… I was screaming like crazy, which made me feel stupid when I realized who it was…
“Hello rookie!” – It was Tony, the big guy, I got to talk a bit with him yesterday, he seems like a nice guy, 32 years old, not big aspirations, just a guy who wants to help people.
“Wow, man look at those eye bags! Do you even sleep at night?” – Yeah, a good guy, but he didn’t need to shout that loud when talking about how emaciated I look…
“I wasn’t able to sleep, my frickin head hurts, a lot”
“Oh boy, Adam you should take care of yourself, did Ms. Sara’s thing hit you so hard?” – Should I tell him about what I heard? No, it would be dumb, they could consider me crazy, or worse, too weak for this job…
I just stopped talking, we entered the hospital, he took his was, I took mine. On the way to the director’s office I saw Lisa talking to Miguel, he seemed to be ruined, I wanted to say hi, but I avoided them, don’t really know why, maybe I thought that I wouldn’t be of any help to a guy who I barely know, or maybe I just want to avoid feeling like I’m falling on a kind of dementia, and talking to anyone, especially Miguel, would make me remember the voice.
Mr. Abraham seems like a bad guy, but I thought of him as the only person who I know out of the hospital, not like he was my friend or anything, but at least I knew who he was aside from a doctor, so I had decided to talk to him about how I felt, maybe even about what I heard the previous night, but as soon as I started talking about feeling weird with Ms. Sara’s death…
“It’s worthless” – That was the first thing he said, and I thought that he was just being an idiot “You’re worthless” was the first thing that I thought.
“She wasn’t the only person who died yesterday, one more did on the same floor two hours later, five people died on the hospital, one was a little child, and today we lost another person, all of them had terminal diseases, we couldn’t do anything but help them with the pain, give them a better death than being prostrated on a gurney with a bunch of machines feeding them and someone helping them to go do something as simple as a trip to the bathroom; Can you understand something as basic as that?” – I just… Couldn’t say anything, he was right, this idiot was right, there’s nothing that I hate more than his attitude, I didn’t like how he just said that it was worthless, but he was right about what he said to me, that was exactly what I needed.
With that little chat, I realized a simple idea, it wasn’t real, it can't be real, whatever I heard was just my brain telling me “You’re weak, you were not made for this kind of job, they don’t need you here”, basically a family reunion for me, but it was what I needed to hear, I’m weak after all.
I went to take a little stroll, my head hurts like crazy, doubting about what I’m doing after just one day was stupid, but it made sense with how my experience has been, I had decided to quit the job, I had decided to do one last visit to every one of the persons I met, starting from Mr. Miguel.
“Are you sure about it?” – I knew that he was the kind of person to say that kind of thing, to worry about others, it even made me a bit happy to see that his face wasn’t smiling, it felt like someone was worried about me, but I knew that it wasn’t for me, he still was hurt for what happened yesterday.
“You’ve just been working here two days, quitting the job doesn’t seem like the best idea a boy you’re age could have”
“I know, but I just can’t stand the idea of having to accept that a lot of people die and I can’t do anything about it, it isn’t why I decided to become a doctor…”
“That’s understandable, I became a doctor to help people as well, but after one year I did a horrible mistake, didn’t think about one of my patient’s allergies, gave them medicine without thinking about the components, I… I killed that person…”
I was deeply shocked, his face couldn’t hide the remorse, but I still couldn’t believe him doing something like that…
“I killed that person, it even appeared on TV at the time, “The negligence of a young doctor kills a mother of two”, what was I supposed to do? Nothing, the hospital fired me, and I couldn’t work for a decade, then I was able to recover my license and Abraham decided to contract me, an “Angel of Death”, that was what I was called at the time…”
I was personally surprised, Abraham Secall of all people extending his hand to help someone, but even more than that, Mr. Miguel was a good person, he seemed like one, and he still was labeled as a killer, and he advanced from it, while I was here, suffering and doubting about who am I, about what I’m doing, that after one death that had nothing to do with me, I’m so dumb, I know.
Then I realized, if I could talk to someone about what I had heard the night before, it was him.
“Mr. Miguel, I know this will sound dumb, but what would you say if I told you that I... I heard Ms. Sara’s voice?” – There it is, I said it, I just hope that he doesn’t consider dementia an option.
“I think that you’re hurt by seeing someone die for the first time…” – Well, it makes sense.
“… or you’re going crazy” – That was also an option.
“Please don’t say things like that stupidity again” – I should’ve thought that he would be offended, she was his friend after all, but I had to give it a try.
“I’m sorry Mr. Miguel, it’s just that I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I am really sorry” – I kind of felt bad, really uncomfortable, he didn’t say anything horrible, nor did he attack me, but every time I said her name, his face changed, his eternal smile turned to something messy, something that I feel like I shouldn’t have seen…
“Adam!” – Lisa was walking through the hallway with a bunch of papers and packages, I may be dumb, but seeing her really lights my day, if only I could talk normally when I’m nervous… Well, let’s give it a try.
“Lisa! How’re you doing girl?” – Damn, I shouldn’t act so damn friendly, I’m supposed to be conflicted and sad.
“Sorry, I mean, how have you been Lisa?” – That’s much better, right?
“*chuckles* Come on, why do you act so shy Adam? Be a grown man and let a bit more of attitude fly!” – Now that I finally get to talk to her more like “friends”, Lisa is a really noisy girl, weird that I took so long to notice that.
Lisa told me that she had to move some things and look at some papers, so the director decided to send her looking for me; I would like to assume that it’s just a part of my job, or that he just wanted to give me some time to actually who’s somewhat funny after what I said, but knowing him, this was most likely his way of treating me as just an assistant for the hospital.
We arrived at a room filled to the brim with all kinds of packages, boxes, etc; I thought that this was weird, I could feel something weird, like a mass of air was suddenly dropped over me, a weird odor on the air, a lot of weird things were around the place.
“These are the things that people haven’t come to recover from their deceased family members; this box has some of Ms. Sara’s things” – She handed me a little box, completely closed and with a little ribbon glued to the top, I would’ve thought that someone would come for her things, I suppose that even good people can have bad luck, even them can be alone.
“Remember to avoid taking a look at those things, she may be deceased, but we still must respect her, who she was” – She was right, but I felt something weird here, I felt like I should look, something was calling me; then I saw it, Sara was standing right in front of me, I wanted to shout out loud, to scream out of pure fear, but she extended her hand, with a simple move I understood, be silence, and even if it wasn't the real Sara, she still felt like a motherly figure that could calm anyone; Lisa didn’t say a single thing, so it was obvious that she couldn’t see anything. Meanwhile, Sara pointed at something, the package, her things. I knew what I had to do.
“I’ll go to the bathroom, will be right back” – That was the best idea I had, not a good one actually.
“Ok, take your time, but don’t you dare to leave me here, understood?”
“Yes sir” – She was the closest I’ve seen to a soldier directing me, you could notice that on her voice.
I secretly took the box with me, went to the bathroom, opened the package with Sara's belongings, took a look inside and there I saw it, a really old photo, the photo had only two really young kids on the image, they must have been around twelve years old, one had long red hair, that must’ve been Sara, the other was a smaller boy with light brown hair, he looked quite shy, but I noticed something quite particular, a cane, I didn’t have more reasons than my intuition, but that must’ve been Miguel.
I looked around me and realized, Sara wasn’t there anymore, or at least what appeared in front of me with Sara’s face, but I instantly recognized that this photo was what I needed to see, the other things were no more than papers and photos of people and things that I didn’t know, and she didn’t seem to point at any other thing but this box, so this photo has something, that was the obvious idea, I turned photo to the other side and then noticed it, on the back of the photo there was a something written.
“I love you over all things, don’t blame yourself about what you’re going to do, I’d like to say that I also want this, but I’m too weak to admit it, I’m a coward who wouldn’t dare to stop you out of fear of actually stopping you, I just can’t anymore, I want this, please… Forgive me for letting you do this alone,
With Love, Sara.”
I felt something, this was what I was supposed to find, I knew who the addressed must be, now I just needed to face him, I just needed to know the truth, his truth…
My trip brought me directly to his office, then I decided to let everything go, no stuttering, no doubt at all...
“Did you kill her? Did you kill Ms. Sara?”
“I… Did it…” – I didn’t want to hear that, I didn't want him to accept that he took someone's life, but now I knew the truth…
“But why, why did you do that Miguel?” – I saw his face, full of pain, of remorse, his overflowing tears were an obvious proof of this situation being more complicated than I ever would have thought…