Snow

“You’re seriously going to end up sick again if you keep this up.” I said, wrapping my scarf around her.

“But it’s fun, don’t they say something like ‘no pain, no gain’?” She spoke while coughing.

“Heh… where’d you pull that corny line from?” I asked, watching the snow fall over the train station rails. “Is this your idea of fun? We could’ve stayed at your house and I wouldn’t be freezing my ass off.” I said in a breath that condensed into vapor.

“You just want to go to my house because your console broke, you spend more time gaming than talking to me… besides, I like the snow and…”

“And you’re trying to make me cling to nostalgia, huh?”

“Oh… my plan’s been foiled!” She threw herself dramatically back on the bench, covering her face in an over-the-top way. “Didn’t work even a little?”

“Haaa… we already talked about this… my parents agreed to let me move, plus… I need to go to the capital, this town has nothing, I feel like I’ll stagnate if I stay.” I said, watching as the snow slowly blanketed everything in white.

For some reason, it snowed a lot in this city, even though it wasn’t a cold climate area.

Small town, few inhabitants, one of those where everyone’s known each other for generations. It wasn’t even a tourist spot, and calling it rural was a stretch.
I always wanted to make that pointless attempt everyone does, you know? Live off art, in any form, didn’t matter which. But I knew it was impossible here, so I had to take ‘that step.

’“Nothing, huh…?” She murmured, rubbing her hands to warm them.

“You know I’m not talking about you.” I replied, glancing at her hands. “You should buy gloves, it’s like you enjoy getting sick.”

“If I wear gloves, I couldn’t feel the snow, and anyway, wouldn’t I get sick either way?” She turned her face a bit to look at me, some of her hair covering it, but she tucked a couple of strands behind her ear to see me better. “This is where you tell me you’d stay for me.”

“You know I won’t say that.” A laugh escaped me at the end.

“Because you don’t care about anything, right?” She said, pulling me toward her, trying to jokingly strangle me with the scarf we were sharing.

“Stop! Stop! Damn, you’re gonna kill me…” I defended myself the only way I could, pressing my frozen hands to her cheeks. Something I’d always done with her since we were kids. I wonder if my hands were her weak spot. I mean… the cold and snow didn’t seem to be.

“When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow.”

“And when are you coming back?”

“I don’t know, I have to find a job, a place to live and…”

“And when are you coming back?”

“Hey, I don’t know… in a few years…”

“That’s what people say and then they never come back.”

“Come on, don’t get corny on me, okay?” My hands felt warmer on her cheeks. “Give me three years.”

“You promise?”

“Mhm.”

“Are you gonna bring me flowers?”

“What did I tell you about getting corny?”

“Are you gonna bring me flowers?” She asked, giving me a couple of shoulder punches.

“Haaa… damn it,” I muttered through gritted teeth while trying to shield myself. “Fine, fine… flowers.”

“And with a ribbon that has my name on it.”

“That’s… that’s too much… I’m not taking a train ride carrying that, everyone would end up staring at me.”

“Yeah, yeah, a huge ribbon that says Yuki.”

“Are you evenlistening to me?”

“Yeah, but I want what I want.”

I let out a laugh at such a stupid response, and for a while we both just watched as everything slowly got covered in white.
I really hated the snow.
I really hated the cold.
I hated a lot of things in this town, and I think the only exception was her.

Of course, life has a pretty peculiar way of toying with us. I only managed two painting exhibitions in the capital. I thought that was the moment my career would take off, but as fast as people glanced at them, they moved on.

I ended up with two part-time jobs just to keep the apartment I was renting.
Nothing further from my dream, though I guess some dreams stay just like that.
I could say I became one of those mad painters, a drug addict, an alcoholic or something, I don’t know… make up some excuse, but I just ended up with a sleep disorder and inhuman levels of anxiety.

Three years turned into ten, and though I hate admitting it, I barely thought about Yuki in all that time.
Maybe, though I hate admitting this too, my phone ringing was what made me remember it all.
You know how nostalgia works.

[------------]

“Yeah… wow, yeah… it’s just that things happened… though I know that’s no excuse.”

[--------------]

“Yeah, yeah… don’t worry, I’m fine… How about you guys?”

[----- … ----------]

“What? I-I see… yeah… I can go tomorrow.” I said before hanging up. I probably should’ve said something else, something more. Something direct, but anxiety spikes for pretty much anything lately.
I know it sounds like an excuse.
It probably is one.

I packed just a few things.
Checked the next train. If I took that one today, I could arrive tomorrow, though before the train I had to stop and buy flowers and damn… talk to strangers and on top of it all make a request like that.
I think that was the thought bouncing in my head like a ball as I left my apartment and walked to the florist. What was I supposed to buy?
Hadn’t she told me, or couldn’t I remember?
Was it a trick? Like in the movies, that guessing thing…
I got lost in my own head again, digging through my memories trying to find something I was sure wasn’t there.
Luckily, the girl at the florist snapped me out of it.

“Can I help you with something?” She asked, which was normal considering I hadn’t noticed I’d been staring at a bunch of flowers for over twenty minutes, standing still like a statue.

“Yeah… I… uhm… flowers… and wrapped in a ribbon.” I spoke haltingly, I couldn’t help stuttering when nervous, and the situation wasn’t helping.

“Uh… yeah, that’s what we sell here.” She cracked a dumb joke, probably because I looked tense. “Looking for any in particular?”

“N-no idea… What do girls like?”

“Well, depends on the girl…”

“I think a carnivorous plant…” I replied, trying to joke about having no clue what I was doing.

“Hmm… Is someone in trouble?”

“You could… say that…”

“Sometimes flowers fix everything.”

“Yeah… I really don’t think–” I held back from answering and looked around a bit, anything to avoid direct eye contact. “Those.”

“Those? I can assure you roses work better, and I’m not saying it for the price.”“Just wrap those… and don’t forget the ribbon.” I said, pretending to check nonexistent messages on my phone. “Yuki… just put that on the ribbon.” I said.

Even with all this, I was still on time for the train. The perks of not sleeping for three days were that I could leave early enough to handle the schedule well.
The downsides… well, you know, plenty of others.
I approached the counter to pay as soon as I saw the girl come back with the flowers.

“Uhm…”

“Something wrong?”

“How bad is it not to know what they are?”

“Nothing wrong with it.” She answered, laughing once more. “But if you want to score points, these are called Edelweiss.”

If that interaction nearly made my brain explode, the train wasn’t a walk in the park.
I tried faking sleep because I couldn’t shake the feeling everyone was staring at me.
Paranoia from insomnia?
Hallucinations?
I don’t know if sleep deprivation can cause that, honestly, nor did I care about the cause, I cared about the effect.

Station by station, the buildings got smaller. Smaller until they were replaced by houses, houses that spaced out more with each station, until for a couple of hours it was just fields.
She’d probably say something like ‘if you were gonna end up like this anyway, then why leave?’ or ‘you don’t need to sleep to dream.’
Some cliché, to cheer me up or tease me, depending on her mood.

Little by little, the sky went from gray to a purplish black, and as the train moved, you could see it starting to snow lightly. It felt like one of those welcomes, though if the weather had consciousness and knew anything about me, it’d know I hate snow.
By the time I got to the station, I was the only passenger on the train. I guess even after so many years, the town was still just as uninteresting.

When the doors opened, the cold hit me like a slap.
When the doors opened, some snow blew in front of me.

“God… you look awful. Does the city really do that to people?”

When the doors opened, I heard her voice and couldn’t help tensing my body on reflex.
There are several downsides to going so long without sleep.

“You’re not gonna say ‘hi’ or anything? Huh?” She said, arms crossed, standing in the middle of the snow.

I didn’t answer. Just held out the bouquet. She looked at it for a second, smiled with her head down, and started walking out of the station.

“Damn, you’re not gonna take them?” I asked, shielding myself a bit more from the snow while rubbing my eyes.

“Nope. You’re walking with them.” She barely turned to answer but didn’t stop walking. “You finally talk, I thought you’d gone mute or something.”

Looking at her closely, she hadn’t changed a bit in these ten years.
I guess the city does break people...

“Sorry… for taking so long…”

“You’re not sorry for not sending me a single message?”

“I…”

“I only heard about you through your parents. Don’t you think that’s unfair?”

“I said I’m sorry.”

“How long are you planning to stay?”

“Supposed to be three days.”

“Uhm… yeah… I think that’s the usual. But you can stay longer.”

As we walked, the chat really wasn’t anything special, the classic questions from people who haven’t seen each other in ages, that ‘so how’ve you been?’ even though the other person knows the answer. That ‘pretty good’ even though the other person knows it’s a lie.

“Hey, we passed your house…” I commented, trying to get my bearings. It wasn’t that the town had changed, it’s that I’d started forgetting what it looked like.

“It’s still early to go. Bet my mom was peeking through the window, huh…” She said with a laugh.

I didn’t answer, took out my phone and did what we all do when we feel bad: search our symptoms online looking for a cause.
Noticed how the first option is always leukemia? I’ll never understand why they give the gloomiest diagnosis first.

“You have one of those too? Haa… everyone has one… I want one…”

“A… phone?”

“Yup.”

The snow covered everything like that time.
The doors were open, probably because we were still within hours, but as I entered, I couldn’t force myself to look around, just followed a few steps behind without taking my eyes off her.
Two left turns and then straight for a while, that was more or less the path. Until she stopped.

“Uuuh… I know it’s not much, but something’s something, right?” She spoke, smiling as she brushed off the accumulated snow. “You can leave them here...”

“Yuki…”

“Pfff... And you always said this town had nothing interesting…”

I crouched a bit to clear the remaining snow. I wasn’t thinking about it, I was moving on autopilot, and it’d be a lie if I said there was anything in my head. Everything was blank.

“When did it…?”

“Two years ago.”

“How–”

“Sometimes promises unintentionally turn into curses…” She murmured, watching the snow fall.

“I… I honest–”

“I know, I know… you’re sorry… Are you gonna give me the flowers or not?”

“Y-yeah… sure…” I stuttered a bit. I crouched again. “What happens now?”

“I’ve been wondering the same thing for a while,” She answered.

“I see…” I said to myself. Leaving the flowers on her grave.

Curses aren’t like they show in movies, nor like fiction makes them seem.
There are no ghosts, only skeletons in the closet—those skeletons hide behind your brain, where you think they’re gone, and slowly dictate your actions without you noticing.

Actions like the inability to fall asleep.
Paranoia.
Actions like answering a call that never existed, traveling for someone who’s no longer there, and sometimes, talking to that person.

Even though they’re gone.

Even if, in the end, you’re just a person talking alone under the snow.