Wrong Impulse

Everything was fuzzy, hazy, disordered. Like a drop of ink dropped in a glass of water. Slowly spreading out and taking shape. A white unfamiliar ceiling. That was all I could see. As for the rest of my senses, they were still rebooting. The only action I could manage was to tilt my head to broaden my range of vision.

A blue curtain to my right as well as on my left, along with a figure sitting there. I could tell that I was at a hospital, but as for the person seated on my right, I could not make out their profile. It seemed like my vision, too, had not properly started working.

Nevertheless, I squinted my eyes and made out as much as I could. Pitch black straight hair let down on a white blouse and black pants, sitting there with the right leg crossed over the left. I did not recognize the black hair or the business woman attire, but I did recognize the mature aura and big grin on her face from a night two weeks ago in my memory.

“(Miss Private Detective?)” It was only when I tried to speak that I realized all I could squeeze out was a whisper.

"Oh, you're awake," nevertheless I got her attention, "Now don't try to move or anything. I'll call the nurse." She stood up from her stool, went outside the curtain and after a few seconds, came back.

"The nurse will be here shortly. How are you feeling, Negia Hoshino?"

" I am not exactly in the condition to feel anything. Although hearing a woman say my name when I don’t know hers for the second time in one month does inspire a sense of fame," I said, trying to gather more voice than before.

"Is that so,” she chuckled at my answer even though all I did was give her words with no emotion at all. “You are right. I never told you my name. I guessed we would hardly see each other again. But I guess we both have a thing for getting involved in accidents.”

She straightened her posture before giving me a formal introduction, “My name is Yua Chieki. I am a detective at a private agency.”

“I still don’t see why you’re here.”

“The reason is you collapsed in front of my car. I thought it would be faster than an ambulance and I was going to the hospital anyway. So, I took you and your girlfriend with me.”

“Girlfriend? You mean Myra. Now that you mention it, where is she?”

My question caused her to make a difficult face before sliding the curtains behind her revealing a Nordic blonde girl on a bed with an IV drip attached to her. No doubt it was Myra.

I was absolutely dumbfounded. “You mean to tell me the girl I jumped in to save ended up in the hospital anyway.”

“Ahaha. No, she just collapsed. Maybe due to the stress of the accident. Doctor said she was anemic as well, so he just gave her an IV to replenish her energy,” she got a good laugh out of my reaction but my concern was genuine.

“Excuse me,” the curtains slid and the nurse appeared from behind, “I see Mr. Hoshino is awake. Let me help you in sitting,” with that she slowly helped me sit up. My numb body finally felt somewhat alive. “Try moving your muscles to wear off the numbness. And if you feel any pain, please call me,” and the nurse took her leave.

I could feel my muscles slowly recovering, but my lower body was still numb.

“Anyway, thank you for once again saving my life. And this time since I know your name, I can at least find you to thank you properly.”

“How sweet of you. But,” suddenly her gaze softened with a mellow sadness, “I couldn’t really save you,” with that she removed the sheets over me to expose my legs to uncover the reason behind that numbness. Solid, white plaster casts on both of my lower legs.

•◇•

“Where is he?” The door opened with a wham, causing commotion to spread throughout the ward. Restless footsteps grew closer and closer before finally entering through my curtains.

“Negai!” The woman with her extremely disheveled blonde hair could not control her emotions when she saw me in my condition.

“Amaaya”

“Oh my God! What happened,” her hands reached for her face in a panic as tears began forming in her eyes.

“Now now. Take a deep breath. No need to get antsy,” I tried to calm her down and she did what I said, “Now, look at me. I am alive, aren’t I?”

She took good long look at me before more tears started falling out of her eyes, “But stil-”

“I am alive. Isn’t that the most important thing?” I stopped her before she threw another fit. In the meantime, Yua had brought her a glass of water. Amaaya slowly took a seat on the stool. By the time she finished the glass of water, her nerves had settled somewhat.

“And you are?” She directed her gazes at Yua.

“My apologies for the late introduction. I am Yua Chieki. A detective at a private agency. I was at the site when the accident happened and took Negai to the hospital.”

Yua’s words caused emotions to go wild once again Amaaya as she sprung up on her feet, “I am Amaaya Hoshino, Negai’s mother. Thank you so much for saving my son’s life.”

“I didn’t do anything, I just took him here and the doctors were the ones,” Yua tried to explain but Amaaya was obviously not listening.

After a few minutes of excessive gratitude and rigorous hand shaking, Yua was spared.

“Well, then. Now that you are here, I shall take my leave. I have a few matters of my own to address,” Yua put on her black long line blazer and took her leave while Amaaya bowed down to her one last time.

“Well, ma'am, if you’ve calmed down now, I’ll let the doctor know. He’ll be with you shortly,” with that the nurse that had guided Amaaya to my bed, also took her leave.

Now it was just her staring at me with shiny sympathetic eyes.

“You know it is funny to look at you in panic sometimes. The calm and cool minded mother of the Hoshino household, looking like a disaster,” I tried to lighten up the mood but she neither said anything nor the look on her face budged. Only she put her hand on my head and rubbed it across my forehead. “Oh you silly boy” being the only words that her mouth whispered.

•◇•

“Well we are looking at a medial malleolus fracture in both of his ankles,” the doctor explained while holding an x-ray sheet in his hands. “Fortunately, it is just a minor crack and the ankles are stable. A short leg cast and no putting weight on it for about 6 weeks should do it.”

“I see. And what about the medications that he will be needing?” Amaaya asked once he was finished.

“Well aside from a calcium supplement, we suggest keeping him on painkillers as well. You see there are a lot of nerve endings in the hand and feet. And a lot of them tend to get caught up in fractures of ankles and wrists. Which may lead to experiencing pain much more than it physically is. In that case, administering painkillers is the only option. Normally, it is the worst in the beginning but the pain should die out after the first week.” he scribbled some medications on the file he had with my name on it.

“Thank you very much, doctor,” Amaaya bowed politely.

“No problem. Any other queries you might have?”

“Um, could I ask something?” Although Amaaya was satisfied, I had concerns of my own, “Do I have to stay in the hospital or could I go home?” T

“Well, the only requirements needed for your treatment are a bed and a drip stand. I don’t see any problem in moving you to your home.”

Of course, most people would be delighted to get to go home. But not me. I, who purposefully tries to stay out of home as much as possible, would obviously prefer to stay at the hospital.

“Yes, but there is one more thing that I would require. A caretaker. And where our home is situated, it is going to be hard to find a regular one.” Plus there was going to be enough trouble for someone to come over to deliver my notes. Here, it would be close by and easy.

“Well if you are worried about anything, you can just get a room in the hospital. Of course I would not recommend otherwise if you have the means to.”

I looked at Amaaya to call the final shot, “Of course, money is no problem. Please just tell us what treatment is the best for him.”

“Well, if that is the case then I shall have a room assigned to him. He will be shifted there shortly. And hopefully in 6 weeks he will be all healed up and ready to be discharged.”

•◇•

Amaaya was out discussing the details of my stay at the hospital and it was when I was finally alone when I heard his voice, “(Glad to see you’re alive,)” Dee did not sound happy at all despite his words and it was not hard to imagine why.

“(You’re still in there? I thought you would have run away by now.)”

“(No, I was quietly waiting for you to wake up as I am used to by now. You have a thing for blacking out, don’t you?)”

“(Well, you of all people should perfectly understand the kind of trouble I cause and for what cause.)”

“(Yes, I get it. That is one of the reasons I like you. You think, you strategize, you are cunning, devious, you have a goddamn brain,)” his tone became rash,”( But what I did not expect was you to be so impulsive that you would just throw your life away,)” there it was. Suddenly throwing myself into the chaos I caused to save Myra was definitely not the plan.

“(Well, there was not really time to think. She didn’t make a wish so obviously she is not a wisher.)”

“(So? That doesn’t mean you have to put your life on the line.)”

“(And watch some innocent person die because of me?)” I did not have to see to know that Dee was baffled and it was not hard to imagine why either.

“(I am sorry. Am I hearing things right? The Negai Hoshino, who didn’t bat an eyelid when he got George Weinstein clobbered by a large metal barrier.)”

“(He was different. He was a wisher. He was part of the game.)”

“(Then what about the Negai Hoshino whose first wish was to kill every other innocent person besides him?)”

“(It didn’t fulfill.)”

“(Only by chance. But did you make that wish because you had the guts to or were you such a wuss back then too.)”

All the arguments that he gave were the ones I already knew and that only pissed me more.

“(Y’know what, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.)”

“(Yeah right,)” he scoffed, clearly unsatisfied.

“(Why don’t we talk about our future plans? Since the last one didn’t end up like planned, there are loose ends.)”

“(What do you mean?)”

“(My phone. I had planned to get it back after everything. But now I can’t . And sooner or later, there is going to be an investigation on this incident. If my phone is found, naturally I would be questioned. And since there were no wishes made this time, there would be no mysterious fantasy element to block every other clue to point at me.)”

“(So, what are you going to do?)”

“(Can you go there? You travelled to the center of the earth, so this should be nothing.)”

“(Yeah, but I can’t touch anything, remember?)”

“(But at the very least, I want you to go there and check if it is still there. And while you’re at it, scout the nearby area and the roads as well.)”

“(Got it,)” he agreed but still did not come out and go.

“Ok, Dee, go now,” I had to push him to go. It was only after I said that he came out and went through the walls at blinding speeds.

And there I was left with my own dilemma.

“(Why did I save her?)” Dee was right. It was not like me to risk the whole game so impulsively. I thought it was the same with Weinstein. The moment I started on the ‘what if’ route, I was sure to come to a breakthrough even though I did not understand it at the moment. But maybe that was a fluke. And in fact, the moment I start to second guess myself, I will lose.

But still there was something in the back of my head that constantly kept telling me that something was not right. Something was off. I slid the curtains to my left. At the adjacent bed, Myra laid with her eyes closed. Since I was sitting now, I could get a better look at her. She was also in a hospital gown like me. Her arms that were covered by her uniform before, now laid bare. What caught my attention were the bandages near her wrists.

“(Wait, was she injured during the accident?)”

“I am back,” before I could wander into my own thoughts, a voice jolted me back to reality.

“Oh, welcome back,” Dee had already returned from his expedition, “What did you see?”

“Well, the area-”

“Ahn Ahn,” as Dee was about to begin his explanation, I stopped him. I pointed towards my chest and he instantly understood that I did not want to talk to him openly. So, with a face that displayed unwillingness, he retracted inside my chest.

“(You don’t like going in there?)” Before I asked him about the details, I decided to confront him about this.

“(Who would like to get confined in a limited space like a cage.)”

“(You make it sound like you are trapped,)” and then it hit me, “(Wait a minute, the whole time I was asleep, you didn’t come out once. Even now when I sent you, you did not go until I explicitly commanded you to go. Does that mean you can go in there by free will but cannot come out until I command you?)”

“(You have a wild imagination as always.)”

“(Then why not prove me wrong. Go on,)” I minded not to tell him to come out explicitly and only just hint at it. And as expected he felt silent. And then to prove my point. “Dee, come out,” I commanded and he came out right away.

“I knew it,” I could see the annoyance getting denser on his face as he said nothing.

“Fine I admit. I can’t get out until you say so,” somehow the picture of his annoyed face was exactly the same as in my head and equally satisfying.

“I feel a lot better just by hearing it.”

“Ugh,” Dee scoffed at my remark, “can we talk about the important stuff instead of this stupid talk”

“Sure, hop in,” he once again retracted. “(Okay, so what did you see?)”

“(There was yellow flimsy barriers around the whole area and the police were there as well.”)

“(I see, so they have sealed up the area as expected. What about my phone?”

“(About that. It is not there.)”

“(What? You checked everywhere.)”

“(Of course, I literally checked through everything. It was not there.)”

“(Then somebody took it. But who? The police?)”

“(They were outside the building but not inside.)”

“(It is possible that they had finished their investigation already. Anyway, it is not good.)”

“(You do know that you can always erase it by making a wish.)”

“(Yes, but that is my final resort. Until push comes to shove, I am not using a wish.)”

I removed the sheets to look at my feet. The leg casts covered both my feet from just below the toes up to my shin. Naturally I could not move my feet at all. But other than that there was still numbness in my whole body. Probably due to painkillers. No matter how I looked at it, there was no way I could manage to go to the location. I just had to leave it up to luck that my phone did not become part of the investigation.

*Rustle* Suddenly I felt movement from my left. Myra had woken up and was now sitting at her bed.

“Hoshino,” she looked at me and then her sights fell on my feet and her words cut short.

“I am so- I am so sorry. It’s my fault,” it was as if words uncontrollably left her mouth. But I, on the other hand, was reminded of my previous thought.

“It is okay, calm down,” I wanted to be sympathetic but I could not due to the next thing I was going to ask her. “Myra, tell me what that is?” I asked while pointing at her wrists. Suddenly, all the color drained from her face. There were no more words that came out of her mouth.

•◇•

She just sat there with dazed, lifeless eyes. Her hands were pointlessly trying to cover the bandages wrapped around her wrists. They were clearly not new, meaning that they were already there before we were brought to the hospital. Not only that, she collapsed because she was anemic. This meant only one thing.

“You tried to kill yourself?” words involuntarily escaped my mouth. Her head only sunk further down. That was all the answer I needed.

For the past 2 weeks, the Myra Sirota I had seen was a girl that had a strong sense of doing others right. But now, her suicidal attempts added to the mix only made me believe that her actions were driven by a guilty conscience.

“So, this is what it was all about. Selflessly helping others only because you wanted a way to end your life in a way you won’t feel bad about.”

“No!” a strong rebuttal from her but equally desperate.

“Then why? Do you really want me to believe that every time you went to save someone’s life you actually did not just want to trade places with them?”

“No, I don’t because…”

“Because?”

“Because, I am immortal, right?”

“Don’t give me that bullshit! Do you understand how I feel when I come to realize that the person I risked my life saving was someone who had no intentions of living anyway,” I had the anger of risking the wish game for something pointless in my words. I had already blundered and knew that if I came to know that it was for a suicidal, I might have had a nervous breakdown.

She gave no reply. She was on the verge of breaking and no matter what I said would have done it. So, I tried to be as sympathetic as I could.

“Why put yourself out there as so altruistic when walking with those scars on your hands.”

“You don’t understand. You don’t know how I feel!” and there came the emotions bursting out, “Trapped inside by your own past. Tired of being seen as the victim even with all your horrible actions,” moisture started to gather up in her eyes and soon round beads made their way down her cheek. Clearly we were not on the same page. To her I was like a selfless man who was disappointed in her for being suicidal. But she was only half correct. And it was time I finally established

“There is a person I hate more than anyone in the world. A person who at one point, took away everything I cared about from me. Made my life a living hell. But do you know what eats me everyday from the inside for the past 11 years? Not the fact that he destroyed my life once because I can build it again. Not the fact that he took away loved ones that are never coming back because one day it was bound to happen naturally. It is the fact that everyday for the past 11 years, I had to cope with the fact that he is my father and his blood runs through my veins. No matter what I do, I can’t escape from him. I can’t not be like him. No matter how hard I try, I ended up thinking like him, acting like him and in the end being him. Now if that doesn’t mean being trapped, I don’t know what is! ” I had shattered the last of the self satisfying statements that she had for justifying her cause. “Look, Myra. At that moment, when I saw you amidst the chaos about to die, my brain did not even flinch. But all I felt at heart was that if I let an innocent person die, I would cross the last line that is separating me from my father. And from there I wouldn’t be able to come back. So, please tell me that I did not save someone who I shouldn’t have. Tell me that you are not who I think you are.”

She just stared at me with tears rolling down her eyes. If there was one thing I knew, it was that we had greatly misunderstood each other. But now it was time to drop every façade.

“Myra, I am not going to understand until you explain everything to me.”

I tried to convince her that I sympathized with her. She took a few deep breaths and hiccups before starting, “As far as I remember,……..”

•◇•◇•◇•