Fear

“Kana? Kana?”

Someone shook her arms, but she didn’t want to see them, so she wrapped them tighter around her legs, buried her face further.

“Kana-chan, don’t ignore me.”

The voice filtered down. It was… familiar. Kana blinked her tears away.

“Yuto?” she mumbled.

Through teary eyes, a face came into view. Large arms enveloped her. Yuto smelled of coffee and cookies as he held her. It was so nice, Kana started crying again. He held her as she shook, digging into his shirt.

“I was so worried. I’m so glad I found you, you can’t even imagine. When Sakuya appeared at the cafe, I already… I…”

“He what…”

Yuto sat down next to her, brushing Kana’s hair out of her face and handed her a tissue.

“I was waiting for you in the cafe,” Yuto said. “I knew you would walk by when coming home. I told you to message me, but with that guy, I… Yeah. But it wasn’t you who appeared. It was Sakuya. He saw me inside the shop and hammered on the door. Then he told me you disappeared. He came here because he thought you’d maybe gone home, but you didn’t answer your phone or come out, so even if I missed seeing you walking by…”

Yuto was rambling, holding Kana’s arm. But Kana didn’t really hear what he was saying. Her mind just supplied one thing.

Not alone.

“Kana-chan?”

“Sorry, I’m just…”

“Don’t apologise, please. I’m just so happy you’re safe.”

“You said something about Sakuya?”

“He was worried too. There might be many things wrong with this, but he was genuinely worried. He actually found you here, but he called me over instead and left.”

“He left?”

“He said you probably wouldn’t want to see him.”

“I don’t even know anymore.”

“But I know. Let’s get you home first.”

Kana protested when Yuto went and just picked her up in a princess carry, putting his large frame to use. She wiggled in his grip, but he just held her closer.

——

That night, Yuto stayed with her. She didn’t know what she did to deserve a loyal friend such as him, but she didn’t question it. Tried not to question it. Sleep only came when she was so tired, she fell over with exhaustion. Her phone pinged several times during the night, but Yuto had taken it away and she didn’t want to read the messages anyway.

Kana slept in on Tuesday, and Yuto called in sick to his lectures. She found him reading something on his phone sitting on a large cushion next to her bed when she woke in the early afternoon. Yuto had turned on the fairy lights to give the room a gentle orange glow, which it would never get from actual sunlight. There were cookies on the low table next to the bed. She turned over and started playing with his hair. Yuto didn’t look up from his phone.

“Good morning.”

“It’s afternoon,” Kana said. “I can still read the clock.”

“Well, you just woke up, so it’s morning for you.”

“Fair.”

She twirled Yuto’s hair around her finger. “Why can’t you be my boyfriend?”

“I like you too much to jeopardise what we have by introducing anything like a serious relationship. Also I’m gay.”

“Excuses, excuses…”

Kana rolled on her back and stared at the star stickers she had put on the blue painted ceiling.

“Are you gonna see him again?” Yuto asked.

“I don’t think so. They can’t be separated. It’s better for both of us.”

Yuto turned around and put both arms on the bed, then his head on them. “I just wish it didn’t have to be so painful for you to realise.”

“It’s good that it was. You can tell a child that fire will burn you, but if they actually burn themselves, they will remember. Not that I did.”

“Do you just want to rot today? We can put on that new film you wanted to watch.”

“The one with the witch? Let’s do it. I’ll just need to use the bathroom real quick.”

“I’ll get the snacks.”

Kana watched Yuto leave to go downstairs, since they always sneaked snacks from the shop. As soon as the bathroom door closed behind her, she dropped to the floor and started crying.

——

23:23 [Sakuya] Have you made it home alright?

23:45 [Yuto] All safe and sound

23:46 [Sakuya] Oh god thank you

Yuto and Sakuya had exchanged numbers that night, and Sakuya used that connection to check up on Kana rather than messaging herself. Even though Yuto was pretty pissed off at the whole situation, he gave Sakuya some credit for his reaction at the night of the dinner. Besides, if he was pestering him, he was letting Kana be, at least.

Sakuya messaged Yuto throughout the day, receiving short answers, but they satisfied him nonetheless. It wasn’t until he looked at his phone for the hundredth time during vocal training, that Jun had enough. He grabbed Sakuya by the collar and dragged him out of the room.

“I told you to stay professional, but that didn’t exactly look like it last night. Do I have to be concerned?” he asked.

Sakuya looked to the ceiling, unable to hold Jun’s gaze.

“I don’t know. Maybe?”

“Then you have to tell me. If it concerns the group, you have to tell me. We agreed on that.”

“I know. It’s just—”

“No. You tell me right now. The whole marketing machine is running and we can’t afford to fall out.”

Sakuya looked around the hallway. There was no one else there he could see. He sat down on the bench next to the door.

“Kana is Haruki’s Ex. They parted on bad terms. Kana doesn’t want to see him. Haruki says he wants peace, but it’s not working out.”

Jun crossed his arms. “Did you know they were—”

“No! It was a complete coincidence that I ran into her cafe! Who could’ve known that they were… that they are what they are.”

“So you brought them together to fix it and instead it broke apart spectacularly.”

“That about sums it up.”

“I’d tell you to decide between them, but it’s not only your own career that hinges on this group. I’m absolutely biased when I say that you should break it off with Kana, no matter how much I hate myself for telling you that.”

“You’re right. I know you’re right.”

“The heart wants what it wants. But did you consider it might also be better for her if she really hates Haruki that much? Is being with you really worth the constant unease for her?”

“Apparently not,” Sakuya said. “She said it’s not working out for her.”

“See? Take a few days. Calm down. Think about it as rationally as you can. And now get your ass back into training.”

“Sir, yes, sir.”

——

A strange peace had settled over Kana’s life since that day. It was a great relief not having to think about encountering Haruki again, which overshadowed almost all other feelings. Between the heartbreak and the fear, she would choose the heartbreak, that much she knew now. Every encounter with Haruki was a loaded gun. She couldn’t do it anymore.

But the peace was empty, too. Yuto had to catch up on classes and the cafe ran on with business as usual. Sakuya didn’t write or call. At first, Kana expected him to reach out any minute, but by the second day of no contact, she resigned herself to the fact that he respected her wishes. Heartbreak would pass. It would take a while, but time heals all wounds.

She sank into the monotony of her daily life once more, staying at home, filling her evenings with cartoons and baking. Every morning got a little easier, but there was a heavy weight inside her chest that grew with each passing hour. It made her slow and distracted, thoughts drifting, prone to error. She chalked it up to healing and ignored it completely.

——

Kana glanced at the clock. It was barely 6AM. A call? At this early hour? What did Yuto want now?

“Kana. I don’t think you should open your cafe today.”

“What? Why?”

She shook her head to get the sleep out of her brain and sat up properly. The sun was rising outside, the alleyway slowly starting to receive the light of day. It was a quiet morning, just like all of them had been since the incident.

“There is some negative press out on you.”

“What??”

And suddenly, Kana was wide awake. She jumped from her bed and ran to the window—and immediately dropped to the floor below it when she saw the people waiting outside the cafe. They weren’t her regulars. They were reporters and even a few onlookers. That early in the morning?

“Fuck. What happened?”

“Did you help to catch ‘Candy Apple’s rabid fans?”

“I… what?”

“I'll let you read it yourself. You should find it by searching for your name.”

With shaking hands, Kana put Sakuya on speaker phone and switched to her phone’s browser. She put in her own name and clicked on the first news link.

[Cafe owner, who leaked confidential information to the public is former idol Decodol Takagi Kana]

[In the series of idol harassment, a vital clue to apprehending the culprits has been a leaked photo of confidential customer information by none other than former idol Takagi Kana (24), also known as Decodol. Now the owner of Cafe Adagio, the former idol has graduated from the industry at the age of 21 after a scandal involving one of the current band members of the up and coming J-Pop band ‘Candy Apple’, Ito Haruki. After coming to a private agreement, Takagi left the agency three years ago and hasn’t been heard from since. Her past accusations include harmful manipulation, cheating and slander. We reached out to Ito Haruki, who, while he was thankful the harassment case was concluded due to her help, has been wondering where she got the photo in the first place and if she’s actually involved in the case herself.]

“No… no…”

“Kana-chan, listen to me very carefully. Stay inside your apartment. Don’t let anyone in. Don’t open the cafe today. I’m putting my shoes on as we speak. I’ll be over in under half an hour, alright?”

“…”

“Kana!”

“Yes.”

“Stay put until I’m there, okay?”

“…okay.”

Kana let the phone drop the second Yuto hung up. The screen faded to black. Then it lit up again. Someone else was calling.

Sakuya.

She let the call go to voicemail. He called again. On the third try, she picked up.

“Kana… Kana, are you okay?”

“You did this,” Kana stammered.

“No! I would never! I never mentioned your name! I said it was an anonymous fan!”

Kana’s breath came faster, and the fear and anger in her chest morphed into one.

“No one knew except you! Who else should it have been??” she screamed into the phone. “Did you approach me just to sell me out?”

“No! No!! Kana, listen to me. I wouldn’t, I…”

Suddenly Sakuya fell quiet.

“You told them, didn’t you? That’s how they knew to invite me to the Karaoke place. You told both of them that it was me.”

“Kana, I can explain…”

“No, you can’t! I wish I never met you! You ruined everything I built for myself, just like Haruki!”

“I never meant to.”

“Does it matter if you didn’t mean to burn down the house if there’s only ashes left in the end? Never contact me again.”

Kana hung up the call and immediately blocked Sakuya’s number before he could call again. The voices below the window grew louder, more menacing. Kana stood up on shaking legs. She couldn’t stay. They would come into the building. They would come up her door and harass her for a statement, just as they had done three years ago. They would stare at her, not as a person, but a source of drama, no regard for her feelings at all. She would be followed by them, again.

No. Never again.

The building had a back exit, leading into a shared backyard. She could go through there, leave through another building. Yes. She could get away.

Kana opened her closet and threw on the first clothes she could find. A bag over her shoulder, filled with necessities. Her clothes, phone, charger, a laptop. She didn’t need more to disappear for a while. Just until everything blew over. She looked through the spy on the door and saw that the stairs were clear. Locking the door behind her, she ran down the staircase and exited before anyone could see her.