Chapter 14: Aggressive Relaxation

It’s Sunday afternoon. I have completed my homework. I have successfully defended my laundry. Now, all I want to do is sit on the couch and play 'Dragon Slayer Chronicles' for an hour.

I turn on the console, pick up the controller, and let out a relaxed sigh.

"Target sighted," a voice whispers.

Before I can even load my save file, I am flanked. Ayumi sits on my left, Inoue on my right. Azuwa stands behind the sofa.

"What is it now?" I ask, keeping my eyes on the TV screen. "I'm just trying to relax."

"Exactly!" Inoue chirps. "You're trying, but you're not succeeding! You look so tense, Oppa! Your shoulders are all bunchy!"

"We have devised a comprehensive relaxation protocol," Azuwa informs me from behind. "Phase one: aromatherapy."

Izuwa, who apparently got roped into this, sheepishly walks in carrying a diffuser that is puffing out thick clouds of white mist. "It's... lavender and chamomile, Takeshi-kun. It's supposed to be soothing."

She sets it on the coffee table, right in front of the TV. The mist immediately obscures the screen.

"I can't see the game," I say.

"Video games cause stress, Onii-chan!" Ayumi says, gently prying the controller from my hands. "You need real relaxation. Phase two: Massage!"

"Wait, I don't need-"

Too late. Azuwa's hands clamp onto my shoulders with a grip that feels less like a massage and more like a Vulcan nerve pinch.

"Your trapezius muscles are incredibly tight," she mutters, digging her thumbs in with terrifying strength. "Is this from poor posture while cooking? You need to stand straighter."

"Ow! Azuwa, that's- ow!"

"No pain, no gain, Oppa!" Inoue cheers. She grabs my right hand. "I'll do a hand massage! I saw a tutorial online once!"

She starts bending my fingers back at alarming angles.

"Inoue, fingers don't bend that way!"

"And I'll do the feet!" Ayumi declares, diving for my ankles.

"No! Absolutely not! I am ticklish, do not- AYUMI!"

I am now being assaulted on three fronts. Azuwa is trying to separate my shoulder blades, Inoue is trying to break my fingers, and Ayumi is tickling the soles of my feet while I thrash around on the sofa like a fish out of water.

"Relax, Onii-chan! Just let the happiness flow through you!" Ayumi laughs maniacally while I kick helplessly.

"You are resisting the treatment," Azuwa scolds, pressing harder. "Breathe into the pain, Takeshi-nii."

"I'M NOT RELAXED! I AM THE OPPOSITE OF RELAXED!" I yell, finally managing to wrench one leg free and accidentally kicking the coffee table. The aromatherapy diffuser wobbles and spills water all over Hina’s stack of fashion magazines.

"MY VOGUE ARCHIVES!" Hina shrieks from across the room.

The chaos instantly halts. We all freeze, looking from the soggy magazines to Hina, whose aura has turned a dark, menacing purple.

"Run," I whisper.

We scatter. I dive behind the sofa, while Ayumi and Inoue sprint for the stairs. Azuwa just calmly walks away, pretending she had nothing to do with it.

Ten minutes later, I am hiding in the hallway closet. It’s dark, it smells like mothballs, and it is cramped. But it is quiet. Finally, I am relaxed.