Chapter 22: The Great Backyard "Camping" Trip

"We need a bonding retreat!" Inoue declares on Saturday morning. "Idol groups always do retreats to improve teamwork! We should do one to improve our 'Family Happiness Unit'!"

"We can't go anywhere," I remind her. "Paparazzi would swarm you in five minutes."

"That is why," Azuwa says, pushing up her glasses, "we will utilize the secure perimeter of the backyard. Urban camping."

And that is how I find myself setting up a six-person tent on our small patch of lawn while five girls argue over sleeping bag placement.

"The center spot is obviously most protected from the elements," Ayumi argues, laying her bright pink sleeping bag dead center. "Therefore, Onii-chan sleeps here, and I sleep directly next to him to protect him from... bears."

"There are no bears in Tokyo, Ayumi," Hina drawls, laying out a sleeping bag that looks suspiciously like designer cashmere. "And if there were, they'd probably run away from your snoring."

"I DO NOT SNORE! I sparkle quietly in my sleep!"

"I brought marshmallows!" Inoue cheers, running out of the house with a giant bag. "We can't camp without s'mores! Oppa, build us a fire!"

"Inoue, we don't have a fire pit. We have a charcoal grill."

"Same thing! Fire is fire! It's romantic!" She winks at me aggressively.

Night falls. We are all crammed into the tent. It is somehow even smaller than my bedroom. The air is thick with the scent of fifty different lotions and hair products.

"Okay, roll call for cuddle positions!" Inoue announces.

"There will be no cuddling positions," I state firmly, zipped up to my chin in my sleeping bag like a mummy. "We are sleeping. Separately."

"Takeshi-nii," Azuwa says from the darkness. I can feel her hovering near my feet. "Temperature is dropping to a brisk fifteen degrees Celsius. Body heat transference is a scientifically proven survival method. It would be illogical not to share warmth."

"I brought a heated blanket, Azuwa. I'm fine."

"Darn his preparedness," I hear her mutter.

"Ooh! A mosquito!" Ayumi suddenly shrieks. SMACK.

She hits me directly in the face.

"Ayumi! That was my nose!"

"Sorry, Onii-chan! It was aiming for your precious face! I had to save you!" She "accidentally" rolls over so she is now half-on top of my sleeping bag. "Oh no, my sleeping bag zipper is stuck! I guess I have to stay here."

"Inoue is cold too!" Inoue rolls from the other side, sandwiching me.

"Wait, if you guys are getting close, I'm getting close too!" Hina says. "I need to maintain the aesthetic symmetry of this cuddle pile."

"Izuwa, get in here!" Ayumi yells. "We need a human shield for his feet so the ghosts don't grab them!"

"Ghosts?" Izuwa squeaks, terrified, and immediately scrambles toward the center of the tent—which is me.

I am now wearing five girls like a very heavy, very loud blanket.

"Isn't nature wonderful, Oppa?" Inoue sighs happily, her head resting heavily on my stomach.

"We are ten feet from the kitchen door," I groan, unable to feel my legs.

"Shhh, listen to the crickets," Ayumi whispers loudly in my ear. "They are singing a love song just for us."

"They are singing because they are looking for mates, Ayumi-san," Azuwa corrects her. "It is purely biological."

"Exactly! Just like us!"

"Please," I beg to the nylon roof of the tent. "Just go to sleep."