Share My Pain

As my alarm went off, I opened my eyes, completely startled, looking everywhere. Only the pale sun rays passing through the blinds of my bedroom gave enough light for my poor, tired eyes to see even a little. My hands searched frenetically on the bed, trying to grab her hand, to feel her presence.

I heard the familiar sound of someone waking up and stretching legs and arms as far as possible, taking up all the space in the bed. I placed my hand on her forehead and kissed her gently between her eyebrows, just as she hugged me with both her arms. She wanted me closer, and I wanted to feel her presence.

I held her tight, smelling her sweet and delicate perfume, feeling her soft hair brushing my face, and the warmth of her hands and of the sheets combined couldn’t have created a better atmosphere for this moment of reunion.

“Five days… it’s been so long, my dear.” I whispered, as quietly as possible so she wouldn’t hear my words. I was relieved to see her again, to feel that she was alive.

“How do you feel today, Ryota? Slept well? Ready for work?” She asked me with a delicate voice. I couldn’t help but bury my face in her hair to hide the tears shimmering in my eyes.

“If only I could rest in your arms all day, I’d be the happiest man on Earth right now…” I mumbled.

“Aren’t you already?” She laughed, her voice filling the room and bringing joy as the sun caressed my neck.

I laughed awkwardly and got up, supporting my weight with my arms so I could hover above her radiant face and admire the one I loved.

Her hair was long and brown, her face delicate, highlighting every one of her features – her freckles, the small mole on the side of her upper lip, her shiny gray eyes, her thin and soft nose, and finally her mouth made of two thin yet full lips, just waiting for a kiss.

“Are you going to stare at me all day, my love? You’re missing something…” She said teasingly.

I leaned closer and gently pressed my lips to hers, just to feel the love we shared – this moment feeling as if time itself had stopped.

She got out of bed and opened the blinds, the sunlight revealing her silhouette through her pajamas. I couldn’t help but be stunned at the sight. I escaped the sheets just to hug her, afraid she would disappear if I didn’t.

The next minutes that passed felt like as if heaven had come down to Earth to open its gates to the simple mortals we were. We weren’t really conscious of what we were doing, we were just living a glimpse of a perfect life.

We both put on our suits and shared the bathroom to comb our hair and brush our teeth, teasing each other, laughing, and setting ourselves in a good mood for work.

Yet, we were so fast that it was only seven-thirty in the morning. Living in an apartment close to each of our workplaces had its advantages, but we were too early and had to wait before leaving.

We sat on the couch, talking about anything and everything, laughing, our eyes blazing with passion every time they met, our bodies shivering every time our hands touched.

“Why does work exist? I’m the laziest person ever. I could be doing nothing every day if I were paid for it.” I said, stretching my arms and yawning to prove my point.

“I know, but if we were to see each other every passing second, would it feel the same? Isn’t the flame ignited even more by being separated during the day and reuniting as night falls?” Her eyes were full of mischief as she tried to seduce me.

I laughed. We laughed. The day was promising. It was going to be sweet. Work would not feel like hell. It was perfect.

“Time for work, my love. Tough day ahead or not?” I asked, glancing at my watch as I stood and walked to the front door to put on my shoes.

“Oh, nothing more than meetings and paperwork – you know, the routine. And you?” She grabbed a box from the kitchen counter and slipped it into her bag.

I grabbed the handle and began to open the door. But something made me wrinkle my nose – a strange odor I knew all too well.

“Gas…?” I turned around, panicked, to glance at her, to see if everything was fine.

I didn’t even have the time to turn completely that I was hurled against the door, blood spurting from my mouth, the shock ejecting all the air from my lungs.

“What could have caused this explosion…? Even with gas, if there’s nothing to ignite it…Where… where is she!?”

I managed to stand and search for my wife through the thick cloud of smoke filling the apartment. Air came rushing from the windows in front of me, clearing the haze, only for me to discover that our home, was completely destroyed, burning under the chaos of the flames.

I was covered in blood and felt as if my life were slipping away from me.

“Where are you!? Answer me! Tell me everything’s fine!”

I couldn’t find her body. I collapsed to my knees and started calling out for her, feeling no strength left to stand.

The apartment had exploded – that was the only thing I was sure of. Where was my wife? What would happen to us? Why had this happened? So many questions I couldn’t answer.

I coughed blood until my hands were stained crimson. Death loomed before me, yet it wasn’t what mattered most in that moment. I looked through the broken windows, finally spotting her as the rain began to pour heavily.

Before me stood the one I loved, radiant even amid the chaos. Blood traced delicate lines down her smiling face as she whispered, endlessly, the words that touched my soul.

“I love you…”

“And how much do you love me, my dear?” I murmured weakly.

“I love you! So fiercely that I wish to be brought back to life after I die, only to see you again. Even a fleeting hello would be enough for me! I will love you, forever and ever!” She screamed, as her being disappeared into the pouring rain.

“I’ve just lost you, yet you remain the only soul I long to hold close to my heart. May your wish be fulfilled. I want to see you again…”

My blood vanished from my hands and clothes, fading as my body slowly healed, though my tears still mingled with the rain on my face. Soon, the bitter taste of blood became nothing more than a fading memory.

“Goodbye, Atsuko…”

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Ten times the charm, some said. They didn’t understand that this thing couldn’t apply to everything in this world. As much as I would have loved to believe in a miracle, there wasn’t one.

She had died.

Yet, it wasn’t the first time, nor the last.

I knew we were cursed, that our love was forbidden. I knew that every time, we would have to go through this. And yet I had to live with her ghost. I had to carry the pain.

“Atsuko… why us?”

Every time she died, she reincarnated without any memory of what had happened – only our love and what her life normally was. Nothing else.

But some things were still quite different – small touches of her personality, her looks, and even… what she was.

I, Kanzaki Ryota, fell in love with her every time. Her smile never changed. Her love for me was always the same. My heart, still scarred by what always happened just days before her reincarnation, could find no greater happiness or healing than in those moments when I fell in love with her all over again.

Why were we cursed? I didn’t know. But that was why I kept searching, every time. One day, I was sure I would find a way to stop this… to avoid going through the pain of losing her again.

“I want this to stop… Atsuko… don’t die… my heart… can’t take it anymore…”

I could never find the strength to tell her what was happening. It was impossible for me to destroy the illusion, to tell her she didn’t remember her own death I couldn’t ruin her smile. I was all alone. I had to do it. I had to find a way.

I had to act normal – it was for us, Atsuko.

My body might regenerate, refusing to let me die… but either I’d free us from this curse, or I’d find a way to be by your side in the death that always tore us apart.

“Atsuko… share my pain…”