The eyes of an unsavory Bloody Marry

Yatsuzaki was known within the family to be very sickly, however, that was no excuse for the current situation.several months had passed since she has been locked in her room, I have tried to engage her in conversation on several occasions, however, after repeatedly knocking on the door of her room and getting no response, I decide to avoid doing so.

[Well, it's normal for a girl her age to want to have space to think about her problems] I thought.

Well, I thought it was the right thing to do... we're talking about adolescence, that wonderful time when you're looking for subnormal social acceptance and things affect much more than they should.

Either way, it doesn't matter.

**

When I heard the alarm I had set on my cell phone, I knew it was time to hurry, today was work and I must be on time. Not that I was a very punctual person but I really need to trade goods and services to get money and stay alive.

I started to prepare dinner for both of us, I was so careful to make something for my sister to enjoy and forget about her problems that I forgot to worry about my own, even though it didn't look very appetizing I ended up eating it anyway.

“Yatsu-“

...

I didn't get any answer, however, I left the food on the table so as not to waste any more time. I went to the bathroom and washed my face, I didn't look in the mirror, I didn't feel ready for it yet. 

"See you later Yatsu, I'll go to work." 

...

Again, I got no response.

What a way to interact with me.

**

As I was heading to work on what I intuit to be my bike, I came across the same streets, the same street lights and pedestrians that I have seen from the beginning when I first started riding around this area, it is somewhat difficult to deal with them, but I have started to get used to all of this and it is something that worries me.

[Man, am I really living like this? The only way to confront problems is to confront them head on, however, I still find myself in the same precarious situation since it happened... I don't mind having to put up with people, I think I've gotten used to it, but despite that I'm still repulsed by having to interact with people like that... not that I'm asocial but I wouldn't mind being one either, what's the need to try to impress someone you'll never see again? Maybe that's it, the strong likelihood that you will never see them again gives them the freedom and confidence to bluff lies, and fool themselves...] As I was thinking that on my way to work, I remembered a certain phrase of Nietzsche:

{The most common sort of lie is that by which a man deceives himself: the deception of others is a relatively rare offense}

**

Nothing in particular happened until I reached my destination, right in front of me, was the bar where I worked, I proceeded to enter with some fear, I was a little wary of being seen as a scruffy person, luckily for me, there were no customers in the place.

I walked in and immediately thought [Wow... no key again, perfectly one of these days I'll be robbed and I'll have an excuse not to work].

I was in front of a relatively small room, which was in a shade of purple reminiscent of the Almandino, which I could distinguish about five seats, a television in the upper right corner, a music box and my work station that reached my elbows, the rack of bottles that I knew by heart, a large mirror and a back door that led to my boss's room, my dressing room and break room. Three rooms in one, the smell of tobacco in that room was very soothing, it was something to be thankful for.

I put on my work uniform, which consisted of a shirt paired with a vertical striped vest and pants as black as many of the conversations I unfortunately had to listen to. 

 However, my boss always mentioned to me the following "Be your most cordial, elegant, fine, clean at all times, a good way to serve someone can change their day". Not the best phrase ever, however, I have been able to extrapolate it beyond work.

On the other hand, those words became weightless when it came to problematic and seedy clients.

[Well, time to mix lives and switch drinks... wait, I don't think it was like that]

**

I had a routine like any other day, simply fulfilling the requests of my clients despite how little I wanted to listen to them.

It was quite some time before a new customer came in.

I was not prepared for what was about to appear in that doorway.

In that door entered a girl who measured approximately centimeters less than me, she had a normal build, silky hair and as shiny as a hessonite, the latter reached her neck, she also had eyes the same color as a smithsonite, a turquoise color so soft and sweet that I was spellbound to the point of not being able to believe it, I was trembling and everything... mainly because despite the novelty of seeing someone of her caliber, I felt so familiar. 

She was dressed in a V-neck plaid blouse with white, blue in different shades and black, she also wore a skirt and black fishnet stockings.

He sat down to the right of me, had put his elbow in front of the table and said to me in a very shy way:

"Pour me one of those."

To which I replied, "Sure!"

Well, as usual, the treatment was quite cold towards my person, I don't mind, but it wouldn't hurt to be asked my name once in a while out of politeness, so that I don't get called with a "Hey, you!"

Just when I was about to start preparing something, the small detail came to my mind that she hadn't specified what she wanted, she didn't point out anything, let alone mention a name of any drink. 

"Uh... excuse me but I don't remember what you asked me, sorry for my mistake."

"Ah... well, I don't know what they're called either, I've simply come to try" she mentioned, again she had said it in a very coy way, I could assume she didn't frequent these places.

"It's okay, leave it to me."

[What should I serve you? What are you looking for here? I think the best thing to do would be to give her a drink that is visually appealing enough to be tasty. I remembered a French cocktail that was named after an English queen, it was visually pleasing and sophisticated enough for someone as peculiar as her]

I took a glass, frosted salt on its rims and added about 50 ml of Vodka with the jigger, three drops of Worcestershine sauce, a little Tabasco, pepper, celery salt, about 10 ml of beef consomme, squeezed a lemon to pour 15 ml and filled the glass halfway with tomato juice.

While I was making the drink, she was quite attentive to my movements, she looked intrigued by my work.

I took a stick and began to stir, when I felt it was enough, I took the steel tongs and followed by adding ice, I did it until the liquid in the glass was close to overflowing, as a final touch I added a sprig of celery and a straw.

I thought about handing her the drink by throwing it flush with the table, however, the clear lack of knowledge that I had about these places made me retract. I didn't want some accident to happen due to a failure of her reflexes and then get all soaked being that she looks very pretty, but on the other hand...

[Okay, this is no time for fooling around]

I put the glass in front of her and said, "Miss, your Bloody Mary is served." 

[Come to think of it, maybe it wasn't the best choice for someone who clearly isn't very into this world, especially since it's a salty cocktail].

As if it were water, she tried to consume it in one shot, however, the slight spiciness of the drink prevented her from his task, almost immediately putting down the glass and sticking out his tongue from both the spiciness and the alcohol.

[Yes, indeed it was not the best] I thought. 

"Sorry, but I won't be able to take this, I really don't know why exactly I'm here either."

"Well, if you want a total stranger to comfort you, I can listen to you all you need."

"Can I talk to you, it's not some kind of bother?"

"Of course not, I'm tied to this place, I've been listening to people about their problems for a long time, in a way it's nice despite how much I despise interacting with people, people gain confidence enough to say barbarities or talk as honestly as possible, honesty is the quickest door to the heart. I won't pretend to be a psychologist or some kind of savior for my clients, I don't know anything about them or you, no matter how much you tell me about your life, no matter how much I know about your problems I won't solve them, not for lack of desire, on the contrary I would like to help people a lot, but the only person who can help you is yourself" 

After that, we were left in an awkward silence that lasted about 15 seconds, however, it seemed like hours...

[I wish she would laugh at least, to break the silence. I would do it in his place, it's not every day someone addresses you like that]

"It's just that I feel like it would be a bother, I think my problems are small in reference to what you must have heard" she said as she tried to sip some of her Bloody Marry... failed in the attempt. 

"You're wrong, it's not a matter of whether problems are small or big, both take away our sleep, both keep us from doing things no matter how small they are, as long as something is bothering you, that's reason enough to try to fix it, in the face of that, all problems are equally important and are respectable enough to be heard.

Someone once said: 

{There is no reason to look for suffering, but if it comes and tries to get into your life, don't be afraid; look it in the face and with your brow held high}

Have you ever thought if your problem has a solution? If it does, then you can get rid of it, otherwise, if it has no solution why should you worry about it? That means it was never a problem in the first place," I told her as I was cleaning the glasses occupied by my previous clients.

When I finished speaking, I could notice something I had never seen before and it chilled me, I could notice an expression of emotion coming from her as those eyes looked directly at me, they could penetrate my soul. 

...

"I'm not exactly someone special, I mean, I'm not smart, I'm also not someone who stands out in her circle of friends.

"I'm not exactly someone special, I mean, I'm not smart, I'm also not someone who stands out in her circle of friends.

I don't have many female friends, but I always stay quiet and behind them while I hang out with them, it's fun to hang out with them, they seem like they really have a good time, I would like to receive some of that happiness, however, I don't feel much beyond someone different from any pedestrian walking around.

I have a family of five, we are three siblings in addition to my parents, my mom is a housewife and my dad is an office worker, even though both of them are constantly at home and spend a lot of time with us, I feel many times that my parents are there out of simple responsibility towards me.

I don't like to go out in crowds, I mean, I feel like I camouflage myself a lot there, it's like I'm part of the crowd, however, they do have dreams and places to go, I just wander around looking for what to do with my life.

I know that whatever I do my parents will try to help me, I could try to get into college or work, thinking about it makes me anxious, what can I do? I feel fucking useless.

Yesterday I just stared at the roof of my house all day, today I wanted to try something different and I came here, I had never come to a place like this before and I was afraid that something might happen to me... but I did it anyway, maybe if something happened to me I could give some more meaning to my life" she said while I could see her eyes watering.

For a moment I was about to launch a small laugh, however, I know it would have been detrimental for someone who had opened his heart in such a way, I could tell, I had never heard a voice that emanated so much honesty in his words, they were clear enough to be able to distinguish them without problems.

"It's kind of facetious, I don't want you to misunderstand, you know exactly your situation and that's something that few people manage to do..." I mentioned, I was about to continue until she interrupted me. 

"I'm just another customer in this place, aren't I? I'm sure I don't stand out as usual."

"No, on the contrary, I wish people as quirky and pretty as you come along.

The simple fact that you find yourself anxious to find who you are makes you stand out, it's not about being better or worse at something, in fact, that doesn't exist... it's irrelevant that you don't achieve what other people do, you don't have to buy yourself with them.

Kant once mentioned that:

{We see things, not as they are, but as we are}

You should not let past mishaps hinder your future, you are capable of achieving anything on your own.

Having a life makes you an individual and splendid being in your own right, your own existence should be enough to value yourself.

You may not have dreams now, but I assure you, if you let things from the past haunt you, they will harm you in the future."

As I finished saying that, she left enough money to pay for her drink twice and left without saying a word about everything that had happened, however, when she left I could hear a very faint and shy "thank you".

Before she withdrew completely I said to the air a last quote of Kant:

{I recommend you to always look for the good hand in the testimony of a few: never count the voices, just see how valuable they are in weight}
I hope she heard my words as she retreated....

[Wow, the place is empty again, I think it's the right time to close] I thought as I removed the glass I used to make the Blody Mary for the smithsonite-eyed girl.

The empty bar room was interrupted by the sound of a door behind me. Kyoko came out behind me and left me with her kind words.

"What garbage empty words were those?"

"Well, she was having trouble with finding herself. 

Our constant task is to recognize ourselves and to have a sense of self-identification, to value ourselves and to be aware; we all have a value and a mission to fulfill, with time we can lose it and by having an absence of it we can be able to lose our own direction.

I am not sure why I responded to her, but I felt the need to do so... perhaps because I saw myself reflected in her and tried to help her in some way.

We all need to be heard and to understand the things that torment us."

I answered her to make as much time as possible and leave, I really don't like the aesthetics of the city at this hour. 

"It's rather peculiar that you think you can help someone being that you can't help yourself.""Do you think I really helped her?" I said, however, it wasn't long before she answered me.

"No, you mentioned it yourself, only she can make the change to save herself."

Of course, she knew that my question was not looking for an answer, if not an approval from her side she not only managed to deny me, she also hurt me a little. 

**

With tired eyes and incredible discomfort during the drive home I remembered to make a journal that Kyoko asked me to do to help clear my mind and keep track of my recovery after the incident.

I arrived at our house and was thinking of going to see Yatsuzaki, that girl today reminded me partly of her... I quickly retracted and headed off to make a new page of my diary.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Diary:

Today I woke up again, I really have a hard time with this, the first thing I see when I wake up is the most Lovecraftian image anyone could imagine.

I stopped seeing things as they were, I see everything as if they were mutilated limbs or fully functioning organs, all accompanied by a deep red color.

For my luck or misfortune, I have started to get used to it, I take into consideration in context what things can be even though I can't distinguish them.

I'm afraid to raise my head and see something other than my lifelong reflection, one of these days I might see myself as the viscera I've been seeing all this time.

Interacting with people is still difficult, I still see them as if they were dark amorphous creatures, full of hate and almost unintelligible words, however, I think every day I understand more and more what they are trying to say.

I have to keep working under this horrible condition so we can keep on living as we had always done... it's not like I do it for me either, I'm not complaining, in fact, currently she is the only motivation I have to keep going, I really liked my job and knowing that my little sister is well makes me able to get the strength I need to carry all this.

Although... today was a peculiar day. 

I see all the clients in the same way, pieces of darkness that babble sounds that make my eardrums tingle. Despite this, today someone appeared who was different, she wasn't like everything I put up with every day, I recognized her, I could see someone.

It wasn't viscera or darkness.

It was a real person, as real as they used to look before the incident, she had beautiful eyes that reminded me of a smithsonite.

I am happy that I was able to see someone in a normal way just like Kyoko....