Chapter 1

I had suggested that we stop going on stage one at a time, but the others rejected my idea. Rin was up first, and she received so much screaming and cheering I nearly went deaf. Then came Kyouko. She got a respectable amount of applause.

I was last. That always made it the most difficult for me. I felt my feet stick to the ground as if my soles were made of lead. I had to drag myself forward, each step filled with an agonizing dread. When I reached the edge of the stage, the stadium erupted into cheers, but not as loud as Rin or Kyouko. I smiled and waved, but I had a hard time looking out into the crowd. I was terrified that I would catch the eye of someone that wasn’t cheering. I wondered how many of them only cheered out of obligation—they had already done so for Rin and Kyouko, so it would be awkward for them to stay silent for me.

Kyouko had grown impatient. She ran over to me and grabbed my wrist, pulling me to the center where she and Rin had been waiting. When she did so, the crowd cheered even louder. To them, Rin was meant for everyone, but Kyouko and I were meant for each other. They liked seeing us interact, no matter the context. She always made sure to give them a little bit of extra fanservice whenever she could. I gave her a little smile as thanks, but she didn’t return it.

As soon as the concert was over, Kyouko cornered me in the dressing room.

“What was that?” she demanded.

The tapping of her foot was like a runaway clock. I didn’t dare meet her eyes, so I stared at the ground, watching her grow more and more impatient. Tap, tap, tap tap taptaptap. That only made it even more difficult to answer.

“Hey now, why don’t you cut her some slack?” Rin said. “She was just a little off today. It happens to everyone.”

Kyouko turned with a sharp click of her heel. “You’re always too nice to her. Every time she messes up, I let her off because of your excuses. Not this time. Our next big concert is in just under a month. This is no time to for carelessness.”

“Just let me deal with it, okay?”

“Ugh, you’re both just—” Kyouko cut herself before she could say anything worse. She stormed out of the room, door swinging back and forth on its hinges behind her. Each time it swung open, I heard her footsteps get further down the hall.

“Sorry about that,” Rin said, crouching low so that I could see her face. “Are you okay?”

I nodded slowly. “I hate it when she gets like that.” And I knew Rin agreed.

“Thinking too much again?”

“I can’t help it.”

Rin got up and pulled a chair from the other side of the room. She sat down next to me, close enough that she could put an arm around my shoulder and pull me towards her.

“Sorry,” I said, “I’m making you comfort me again. Even with thousands of people cheering for me, somehow that’s still not enough.”

“Of course it’s not enough. Love is a two-way street. You can only expect to get something out of it if you’re willing to put in something yourself.” She ran her fingers through my hair, and it felt good. Especially the casual way she did it, as if she did it everyday. I wanted someone to do that everyday, to always be by my side no matter what.

“Tell you what,” Rin said. “Why don’t we just forget about this for now? I’m going out again tonight. You should come with. It’ll get your mind off of things, and it’ll make you feel a little better.”

“When you say going out, do you mean…”

Rin grinned. “You know where to find me. I’d be happy to see you there.”

“...I’ll think about it.”

Kabukicho late at night was like one of our concerts: packed with people and bright flashing lights. I was wearing a heavy puff jacket that obscured my figure, a cap that I could pull low over my face, and even a mask for good measure. I wasn’t taking any chances; I wanted to disappear into the crowd. They surged and ebbed around me, someone jostling my shoulder as they went by. Only occasionally did someone slow as they passed me, turning briefly before continuing on as their recognition lapsed. Every storefront had cast its own music out into the crowd, trying to catch whatever passersby they could. It was as if the entire street was suspended in a sleepy haze, and I was drowning in it.

I pushed through to where I knew Rin was waiting for me. I huddled my shoulders together to shrink myself down, squeezing through the gaps between people wherever I could. Finally, I spotted the sign I was looking for. A singular rose stalk, bright and neon-colored, laid delicately on its side, and underneath it were the words Pale Rose. Sure enough, there she was, waving vigorously to flag me down. In contrast to my conservative attire, she had on a breezy combo of shorts, a t-shirt, and sneakers. Part of me was jealous that she could get away with dressing so lightly while I was practically melting in my clothes, but I knew this wasn’t just anyone could pull off.

It was a well-known fact that Rin of Palettes was a frequent visitor of Kabukicho and, more specifically, host clubs, which was where she had invited me to tonight. Quite unexpectedly for an idol, though, this didn’t seem to affect her popularity at all. In fact, it seemed to reinforce her image as a free spirit, one that would go around and love whomever she pleased. Fans went rabid at the idea, letting themselves be carried away by fantasies of one day being chosen by her, never mind that it would never happen for most of them.

Even as everyone rubbernecked to get a second glance at her as they passed by, she didn’t shy away from them. One man stopped and held up his phone at her. She spun to face him, flashing a smile for the picture. “If they’re gonna sneak photos of me, they could at least get my good side,” she grumbled.

“How’s it going, Rin?” I said.

She gave me a grin when she noticed me. “Awesome now that you’re here. So happy you could make it!”

“So this is a host club?” I said, trying to sound enthusiastic. “Um, what should I expect?”

“It’ll be fun, I promise. I’d never let you have a bad time.”

It wasn’t her that I was suspicious of, or even host clubs in particular. I just didn’t like the idea of paying someone to spend time with you. I dreaded being able to tell that the host was just going along with whatever I was saying, my own awkward expression reflected in his glassy eyes that had glazed over from the effort of humoring me. But I shook that worry away. I was here because I wanted to relax after a hard day, and spend time with my best friend. It didn’t really matter where we went, as long as we had fun together. The host club was just incidental, I tried to tell myself.

“Right, let’s go!” Rin said as she pushed me in.