Inamorata

As I expected, my thoughts drifted away all night. I watched the moon shine, the stars coloring the sky, until the rising sun pointed its nose, turning it to gold.

A bird was perched on the railing of the hotel room balcony, and its sweet twittering accompanied the beginning of a new day.

It wasn’t the first time, nor would it be the last, that I hadn’t slept – and more so with my wife around. I was more stressed having her here these days than waiting for her reincarnation, simply because I didn’t know when she would be taken away from me.

I pretended to sleep as Atsuko woke up slowly, so that she wouldn’t be mad at me for those enormous dark circles under my eyes that must have made me look like a panda. I would be a panda from now on and for the rest of my life. I couldn’t make them disappear, and it wasn’t something my regeneration could heal.

She had slept all night in the same position, unmoving, as if she had turned to stone for a moment. With my eyes closed, I felt her crawling toward my lips but, instead of kissing them, she moved further up to my forehead and kissed it instead. She then sat on my chest, and I felt her gaze piercing through my eyelids. She knew.

“Ryota… liar.” She murmured, as I heard a sweet and melodic laugh mocking me and my fake sleeping abilities.

“Alright, alright. You’ve unmasked me.” I said, opening my eyes wide and meeting hers. Their stunning gray color made mine sink into them.

I smiled like an idiot. I had missed her. Why couldn’t it always be like this?

She flicked my forehead in the same place she had kissed, a disappointed expression tearing across her face.

“Don't make me give you sleeping pills tonight. You know how much I want to take care of your health. I don’t want to see you at the hospital again…” She murmured, saddened.

“Not like I could or would be able to go back to the hospital if nothing can kill me, if no sickness can prevent me from doing anything. My only weakness… is my exhaustion, my lack of sleep, and the stress I accumulated while searching you.” I gave her a wider smile and nodded to ease her worries.

She jumped out of the bed and I had to make it. 

We got ready, had breakfast, brushed our teeth, combed our hair, and talked a lot, about everything and anything. All those little things, as simple as they were, as often as we had already done them, as insignificant as they might have seemed to someone else, felt so special to me – maybe to Atsuko too. They filled a void, they told me everything would be fine. I wanted to believe them. I wanted to believe what they represented to me. I wanted to believe in the gray of her eyes. I wanted… to believe.

For a date where she didn’t know where we were going, she had dressed elegantly, not asking me anything and letting me keep the secret – maybe because I wasn’t usually the one to propose a date. I didn’t know.

She wore a light gray fitted sweater over a white V-neck T-shirt, embracing her delicate silhouette and echoing the color of her eyes. I had never loved gray more than when I saw her for the first time, and her eyes were the one thing that never truly changed every time she reincarnated.

As for her trousers, she wore black tailored ones, giving her a chic yet casual look. To protect herself against the gentle temperature of September, she wore black ankle boots and a long, light gray wool coat.

My eyes wandered again and again over her body, admiring her beauty, stopping from time to time on her face that didn’t need any makeup to look stunning, charming, and on those eyes that didn’t need anything to look at me so seductively.

Her only accessory was a silver-chained pendant with a small bottle at the end, containing a few drops of water from the lake where I had proposed to her. Her nails were painted a pinkish beige and, on her left hand, on the ring finger, stood her wedding ring, with a small but beautiful and shiny diamond on it.

It was time. I took the bag I had prepared and we went to the train station, leaving the room to plunge into silence.

“It reminds me of old times. The gentle swaying of the train, the landscapes passing by like a film through the window – it’s as if we were back when we were younger.” She said, sitting next to me in this nearly empty train and staring outside with wide, shining eyes like a kid discovering new things.

“It’s true, we used to take it a lot back when we didn’t live so close to everything we needed, especially whenever we had to visit your... family. I must say… I’ve missed these trips with you. We should go somewhere on the next holidays we’re be able to take.”

“Oh, so I should plan them then, or else if it’s you, we’ll end up in an unknown place and completely lost.”

“Maybe.” I said, laughing.

Time passed by quickly. Talking with her only made me want more. I wanted more time, more days, more hours in a single day. It wasn’t enough. I wanted to hold her close to my heart every moment.

“Aren’t you going to ask where we’re going? You, who are always curious.” I stared at her. She wasn’t taking her eyes off the window, she was obsessed with it.

“I don’t need to be curious when I already know where you want to go.” She turned her head unpredictably to look at me, and I was the first to be surprised to smile like an idiot when I saw her smiling too. “We’re going to the beach, the one where we first kissed, isn’t that right?” She asked, full of joy.

“You got me! I wanted to go back there with you.” I said, laughing to hide my disappointment that my surprise hadn’t work. She laughed as the confirmation brought her happiness.

A few minutes later, the beach and the sea came into view. The train stopped, and we quickly walked to it as soon as we left the station.

We were stunned by the view of this empty beach. Seeing this endless expanse of salt water and this golden beach stretching all along the coast, the waves crashing and breaking upon it with a calm, chaotic sound, brought back memories, brought back feelings.

She couldn’t restrain her happiness and took off her shoes, pulling up her pants and running to the water to feel its coldness, not caring for a second about it, just enjoying the moment.

I watched her from afar, pulling a picnic blanket from my bag along with food, preparing everything for us to enjoy. She came back seconds later as I stared at her divine figure, enhanced by the sun shining behind her and blinding me.

Her legs were covered with sand, but she didn’t care, nor did I. She jumped on me with arms wide open, pushing me back onto the blanket, two centimeters away from crushing our meal. She hugged me and frenetically shook her head against my chest, laughing so happily that it pleased my heart. Her happiness was contagious.

We ate, staring at the sea, the sweet warmth of the sun relaxing us as we talked again and again. I felt transported by the silliness of our discussions, feeling as if I were no longer fully conscious and just letting time pass, just taking all these moments into my heart, and keeping them in a jar in the deepest parts of my mind to be able to revisit them later.

We decided to take a digestive walk along the sea, our feet burning in the sand, but we didn’t care.

“I feel so relaxed that, if I were able to, I would love to come back every week. But… winter is coming… faster than we might think, even if we’re only in autumn.” She said, holding my hand firmly. “Let’s come back here as soon as we can and as soon as the temperature allows us. Are you okay with that, Ryota?”

“I would love that. Let’s go anywhere we want whenever we’re able to. Let’s do a lot of things together. Let’s enjoy the things we didn’t have time to do together.” I said melancholically.

“So… since it’s only 4 p.m., what’s the next spot we’re going to visit? I know you didn’t only have the beach in mind, I know you too well.” She stopped and planted her feet in the sand. We wouldn’t be finishing this walk.

“There’s a temple I want to go to with you. There’s a kind of festival that will start soon, and I think it’ll be great to see this kind of atmosphere and pray a little at the altar.” I turned to her and grabbed both her hands, looking into her eyes as she smiled in agreement. I would never tire of that smile and of those eyes.

We walked to the temple, no need for a train this time. As soon as we arrived, we saw all these colorful food stalls and game booths with prizes to win, and above all, there were a lot of people everywhere. 

The temple was like any other Japanese small village temple would have been, yet with the festival it was as if we could see it in a different light. It was magnificent to see all those lights reflecting their colors on it.

Atsuko and I tried to make our way to the altar, holding hands so we wouldn’t lose each other in the crowd. When we finally made it, the area around the altar was completely deserted, as if people were trying to avoid it. Atsuko hugged my arm tighter. She was nervous, looking everywhere. Something was strange.

A laugh – a strange and familiar one – echoed in my head. But it was impossible for me to know where it came from.

A few seconds later, Atsuko screamed. I looked at her and her face was completely twisted with fear, her gaze locked onto something.

I looked too. I stared at what she saw. I understood why she screamed. I felt anger rise in me.

“Leo?”