~~Al0ne~~

[Disclaimer: This series is 100% made for entertainment purposes and is set in a fantastical world so it doesn’t have any direct connection with the real world.]

[Warning: Suicidal Content: This chapter contains themes related to suicide and self-harm. Reader caution advised before proceeding.]

No matter how many times I try, I’m a person beyond salvation.

Day 1, day 2, day 3, week one, week two, month 1, month 2…

I still haven’t changed.

Murazuki Shizu threw herself to bed.

She rolled right and left while scratching her head.

(Arrrrrrkhhhh, why does this keep happening?!)

The glitchy black lines surges around.

“Hah…hah…hah…,” Shizu breathes heavily in ill.

(Urkh, aaaaah, what better school life, I can’t even fix my schedule.)

Flashbacks…

Sleepy morning…Shizu woke up late.

Suzu scolded her many times.

Her assignment time schedule is in shambles.

No matter how much she planned, she dozed off.

Entering exams with the last seconds of study.

As usual, sleeping in class, teachers scolded her.

More importantly, she still hasn't changed, no friends.

Her random interactions failed miserably.

(What even is a friend?)

(Random talks like those, how can you wish for me to understand?!)

(Everything that I planned to say, all of it messed up.)

Her cautious switch always turned on then it’s all silence around.

When she got back home, she spent all her time on anime, games, and manga.

No study, no piano, nothing nothing.

Even if she had the will, her body just doesn’t want to follow.

(I will do better tomorrow, this time I will win.)

It’s just empty nonsense.

She ruined her schedule, her day.

Then stayed up all night and it’s back to the loop.

Her brain doesn’t even feel like doing it.

She feels like it's just so sleepy and procrastinates on her homework, tasks, and even her supposed hobbies.

(Also I’ve destroyed my brain long ago.)

(Bad and worthless hobbies…)

(It's really tying me around, addicting me, wasting my time…especially those scrolls!)

(Loop loop…routines…shut them all!)

(No longer can say anything…)

(I just wanna leave this world…)

(Just laugh at me, this pile of trash…)

“SHII, WAKE UP, WE ONLY HAVE 30 MINUTES LEFT!!!”

Woken up once again in the loop by her sister.

(Arkhhhh I wanna skip school~)

(I really hate it, it’s just meaningless.)

(If only it wasn’t for onee-chan or family pressure.)

Shizu stood with no spirit.

Walks like a living undead.

Her hair is in shambles.

Her shirt slipped on her right shoulder.

Her eyes have thick bags.

Not just covering the usual eyes, the black lines are all over her faces full.

She went down the stairs then entered the toilet.

In the mirror, she sees herself.

(Ahahah, have I always been like this?)

(I mean like yeah, I never cared about my hair so it was always all over my face, covering my eyes.)

(These black glitchy lines, they’ve been here for millennia.)

She was never able to see people’s faces.

(Mine look even worse today.)

(What kind of social creatures are humans lol?)

(I never have been able to get close to any.)

(Friendship? Meh~)

(Not understandable.)

After she took a shower, they had breakfast.

“Eat quickly, we’ll be going soon. Urkh,” Suzu said while cleaning the dishes.

It seems she was bothered by something.

Suzu walks to Shizu who just finished eating.

“Pleaseee, do your hair properly!”

Suzu tried to fix Shizu’s hair.

“Onee-chan said that we’ll get our fiance chosen right? Why care about appearance then?”

“Having bad care for your body is not good, you know? Friends, teachers, and myself care about how you look.”

“I don’t have friends so why bother?”

“That—is—why…people will look down on you, Shii. You don’t want bullies to get on you, right?”

“Just one or two scratches won’t do, I’m a trash anyway.”

(Whoops, it got out…today what kind o-)

“Shii, put your mouth on control. Sometimes your words are sharp and harmful.”

This wasn’t the first time and Shizu knew this.

“I was born to be like this, if onee-chan want to blame, ask why our parents birth us in the fir-“

*SMACK!!!

Suzu slaps her on the cheeks.

The arguments also looped no matter how much better or worse.

“Don’t say nasty words like that!”

Her sister grew even enough of her nonsense.

(Aaah, I did it again, I should’ve kept silent.)

(I always keep doing it, blabbering nonsense, and making things even worse.)

(Especially these days, I really hate being a teenager.)

(I wanna go back to elementary days.)

“What was even my fault?”

In her desperation, her mind went even more blank.

(This burning sensation on my cheeks.)

(It hurts…)

“Shii, don’t make me rage up.”

“If onee-chan’s saying, I also wanna, I’ve had enough of life already. No matter how many times I tried, it’s all nonsense.”

She tried to confess her true feelings, but she did it poorly or it’s the other side not being a good listener.

“It’s just your way of doing things that is wrong. Staying up all night, get your sleep schedules fixed!”

When someone isn't able to hear you out, there’s no meaning.

“I told you, I’ve tried, but in the end, the world hates me so much. It keeps sabotaging me with everything.”

No matter how complicated your words are.

“It’s yourself that can’t stop the temptation. No matter how many times I’ve warned you.”

Hopes are lost, the only person she can give her feelings to, filled her with rejection.

“Don’t say that, you don’t even care about me do you, all you think is your studies and perfection!”

(Why am I saying things like this?)

(My tongue…it doesn't want to stop!)

(Sorry…onee-chan…)

(I can’t even control my brain.)

(These tireness…I can’t feel like being myself.)

“ENOUGH!!” Suzu hits the wall heavily.

Shizu was shocked to see that.

The glitches are looking hideous.

Suzu herself was shaken by her fury.

“That’s why I hate this, our bloodline is so furious and speaks too much. It’s tied to our DNA itself. This cursed and trash family! I'm better off dead!!”

The sign of disillusionment crumbles their relation.

“You’re no longer like the Shii I used to know, I want her back. My cute and kind little sister.”

Suzu packed her lunch then took her bag.

“Hurry up and get to school, I’ll be leaving first.”

Suzu left the house in tears.

The glitches surge faded.

Outside, she wipes her eyes.

“This is wrong, I must strengthen myself. Even if she turned like that, she’s still my lovely imouto. All I do is just for her, even though she turned to hate me, I still love her.”

She slowly walks away to school.

“Should I apologize to her later?”

Inside the house…

(I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t.)

(I’ve made another mistake.)

(I wasn’t able to hold it down again.)

(Recently it’s been going on more often.)

(I’ve lost myself…)

(Like onee-chan said…)

(I’m no longer my old self…whom I used to be.)

(I’ve failed everyone’s hope.)

(My values are nonexistent.)

(I’m nothing in this world…)

She glances at the knife on the table.

Her breath slowly increases.

It goes even more and more faster and heavier.

Her hand moves a zenti by zenti closer until it finally reaches the knife.

(Nee, if I die today, what will people think of it?)

(Will people be sad, or just go on with it without emotion?)

(I’m just a random hated child anyway.)

Holding the knife…it mirrors her reflection on the blade.

(Our parents would never cry, I have no friends, teachers are careless and probably hated me due to ignoring their teachings.)

(They’re just doing their job.)

(People will just stare at my grave with emotionless glitchy face.)

(It’s just onee-chan and me.)

(On her way to school…)

(Does she know that her loved twin sister is planning to kill herself?)

Being broken in her world, she lost her will to live.

Lastly she thought…

(I’m not supposed to be alive…)

(I’m just a copy of her…)

(…just the looks…)

(…just a doppelganger…)

Filled with guilt, her life will be decided.

Whether she’s going to end it…or not…

(Neck…arm…chest…which one…?)

A minute has passed…

Shizu finally stopped trembling.

(Of course, I don’t think I can do it.)

She finished packing.

She grabbed her school bag.

(Not like I’m afraid of blood or pain.)

(It’s just…even if I did do it, the time it takes to finally pass out is too long.)

(And if somehow I survived, it will cost money, and guilt to continue living.)

(Sure they’ll even keep an eye on me.)

(I should just continue enjoying my stressful and miserable life.)

(Let me suffer until my last breath.)

(That’s how I enjoy and play this game called life…)

The door opens…and closes…

At school, the bell rings.

At that exact time, Shizu enters the classroom.

“Murazuki Shizu-san, how many times have you been this nearly late?”

“…,” she didn’t respond.

Megane-sensei stares at her, but there is no answer.

“WHERE’S YOUR SORRY?!” he raged up a bit.

“I’ll wake up earlier tomorrow, sensei, I’m terribly sorry.”

(The ‘terribly sorry’s’ volume went down a bit.)

(I’m getting tired of this.)

(Was that the right choice…?)

(Sometimes I want a bit of change from this life.)

“Okay okay, take a seat, the homeroom is starting.”

With her eyes observing behind her long bangs, she walked to her usual seat.

(Want something unique and different.)

(Not like these…boring black lines.)

(As I thought…)

(The world…is just…myself inside…)

(My own self that not even once I loved…)

The better school life once hoped for is none…

Life and self are filled with glitches and defections…

Is death the best option…?

To be continued…