Am I...

          I noticed recently that I start looking at the mirror more and more as of late. Today I woke up to my alarm, smacked that thing down. I didn’t have too great sleep, had the thought of missing my chance with you, and that kept me awake for a while.

I go to the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth, take a leak. Then stare at the mirror for a bit, just to confirm to myself that yup I’m looking real nice today. I ate some cereal for breakfast, got my stuff, and then headed out the door.

I think about it a lot, am I …good enough for you, am I handsome enough, are my hand me downs fly enough, is it aight that I don’t have that much cash, that I’m downright broke, is that alright. It flows around my mind a lot, the thought circles around me and the same questions follow me wherever I go, always waiting for my worst mood to start striking. Always picking the best timing to get me depressed. Even if my future’s looking not the best, not sure any company's gonna go out of their way to hire me, and I might work at the burger king, is that aight, could I still …

By the time 2nd period started we had some assembly, it happened just about every year. It talked about just the same things, it was some internship program helping at-risk kids, those who were struggling with addiction, and other circumstances. Gave us some information, and our school would be helping promote the program, and plan some fundraising events for them. Everyone in our grade was here, I saw Damian, and some other boys, and of course I was fooling around, not too conspicuously though, we’ve grown since last year. The owner of the thing I think talked about the program, and some of the things they do for the community and then…

“Now I would also like to also welcome Natalie Johns to the stage who did an internship in our program last summer.” Well now I was listening, corrected my crouched posture a little bit, and picked up my head a little.

She slowly, but surely walked up stage, she was a little taller than the owner, seemed to me like 5,10ish, I never really noticed how tall she was before now. As she walked up I started to get a little nervous for some reason, nervous that our eyes might meet and I sank down in my chair a lil bit.

“I worked at the Sam Houtas program for at-risk teens for the whole summer and… their support has created a big impact in preventing…I am honored to have worked there for the summer…thank you very much.”

My mind blanked as I watched her, she was pretty incredible, her public speaking was amazing, and she knew so many people in the crowd waving left and right. All that with such a big booty. Despite the jokes she was even more amazing then I imagined, she had a future, she was well liked by everyone, she knew everyone, and she was so beautiful. Am I really…. good enough.

“Who the heck am I talking to.” Smacked my face a little bit to try and snap out of it. Freaking angel got me under her spell, well I’m all for it, but it kinda got me… nevermind.

Then the owner guy talked a little more ,than the councilor, and then yadda yadda same thing every year, buy our T-shirts, and it was over. It wasn't really fun but at least I got to mess around for a couple minutes. Back to daydreaming now, now it’s homeroom.

My mind started to go back into a little cycle, I stared out the window, stared at my reflection in the window. My mind feels a little blank, and I curl my head up in my arm. I wanna curl up in a ball in my bed. I just wanna be alone for a bit, maybe not in a room with so much dummys, damn… I’m really just tryna be alone for a bit.

“Hey you okay son. Do you need to head to the nurse.”

“Nah I’m alright, my head just hurts a little.”

“Alright, just make sure to keep your head up.” Damn baldy.

Even with myself in such a miserable state, class went on. For some reason my focus was stronger while I was in such a state. The announcements always went off during homeroom,

“Good morning to you all, this is your vice principal Mrs. Falice, please stand for the pledge.” While the announcement were going baldy was taking the attendance, and Damien was sleeping today. Well not too rare of a sight, seeya on the absent list kid.

“Please sit. Now we’ll go over our announcements, with our co-host today Mr. Samuel Li.”

“Hello everyone it is good to be here, today anyone reporting for the trip to … college please talk to Ms. Sally. Our weekly senior council is taking place so please make sure too… and today’s lunch is fries and tender. That’ll be all for today, I hope you all have a good day.” Well the lines are gonna be long today.

“Alright kids, do whatever you want with the time left.” We usually spent homeroom fooling around, or doing homework. The talk we had the other day was a rarity pretty much. Well what I did was do nothing, staring into space. I couldn’t make fun of Damien’s dumb state, I was pretty much frozen in space, shocked in a cycle that I seem to never come out of. I was tryna get out of here already but it was only second period, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I wouldn’t say I was in a bad mood, or maybe I just felt a stuck, helpless, and I didn’t like it , and I just wanted to stop, and I felt scared that it wouldn’t stop, that even if I reached you I’d always be like this, become like those I knew before, who left it all.

After staring blankly in homeroom, Italian came.

“Good morning mister.”

“Good morning Miss.Massey.”

“So today we’ll be learning about……. So the Italian word for steak is bistecca, everyone with me bistecccca.”

“Hey dummy you awake.”

“Oh my bad I was just…..”

“Were supposed be talking about…. right now.”

“Ohhh so I …”

Then Lunch

“Hey those pants are so cute, where’d you get them?”

“None of your bees wax girl, hehe.”

“Girl you wanna fight.”

“Hey you ready for the game tomorrow T-Bone.”

“Those girls over there are fine as…”

Well It’s confirmed chicken tenders slap in whatever state you're in, the tenders really felt like golden tenders today.

Then PE class

“Yo can you spot me real quick.”

“I got you.”

“Huh, Huh, Huh, HUUUh, eh help me ouuuut.”

“Ohhhh shoot my bad.”

“AHhh, it’s alright, I’m still alive which is good enough, hehe, and a PR baby.”

Last but not least, History. The teacher talked of some economic systems that were made in the past. The day didn’t go by in a flash like I planned it. Well it didn’t really feel too long either. As the day went on the feeling in my head started to walk away. Maybe I was just to dumb to remember where I got the feeling from, or everyone in the real world helped me get out of it, and get me back out of dreamville. When I left I felt quite the refreshed feeling, the air of the outside felt even better now. It made me feel like crying a little bit. Also the dummy wasn’t here, he was probably getting chewed out by the teachers or something for sleeping in class. The walk alone to the bus stop felt nice, I felt the wind, I saw the beauty of the trees, saw the beauty of the world. I felt my eyes were new, and I was seeing something different than I did before. As I waited at the bus stop where a little crowd started to build up I saw you. What a lucky day. Quite the honor actually. Feeling extra grateful right now.

On the bus I kept stealing glances at you, not so sneakily. I’d say it’s 50-50 that you realized, not that I minded. Then you got off, I was in the seat a couple rows back so I only got the glance of your back as you walked off the bus. You walked slowly, your long silky and slightly curly hair moving back and forth as you walked. Then the ride continued, the ride was nice, I felt alone despite the surrounding people, like the more people were people came in the more secluded I felt. I felt I saw some stores that I haven’t seen before through the window. Some deep dish pizza store, a rite aid, and a radioshack. Then the bastard came back in my mind poking at me, antagonizing me, coming right in my face, pulling it’s tongue out at me and asked

“Am I good enough.”

“ Well I am pretty amazing, but she is pretty amazing too, pretty volunteering girl with a big booty. Probably gonna be out there going to college and being a nurse type girl, and do her family proud.”

“And you are.”

“I’m broke, and it takes me 2 months two get my hair cut, I get some average grades, and probably not going to college.”

“So are you.”

I smirked. “Heh I don't know, maybe.”