I Tried to Loot a Potion and Accidentally Proposed to a Slime

Respawning after Nugget pecked me was starting to feel like my morning routine. Wake up, check phone, die to poultry, respawn, repeat.
This time, I materialized with my face in mud that tasted suspiciously like rendered chocolate (the game's texture mapping was getting creative). Haruka stood over me like a disappointed teacher who'd just caught me cheating on a test I hadn't even studied for.
"Seriously?" she said, arms crossed. "Again?"
"Hey," I grinned, spitting out digital mud. "You gotta admit. Nugget's got commitment to the bit."
"You have brain damage."
"Debatable."
"It's really not."
PatchNotes chimed in helpfully:
> "Player Death #12 logged. Cause: Affectionate Violence (Avian). New title available: 'Pecking Order Bottom.'"
"I'm not equipping that," I muttered, wiping mud from my face as I stood up. My Cloth of Minimal Shame had lost another durability point and was now listed as "Cloth of Maximum Concern" in my inventory. Fantastic.
---
We made our way toward what PatchNotes insisted was a "beginner-friendly zone" called **Slimegrove**. According to the map (which kept flickering between accurate and completely wrong), it was supposed to be a peaceful area full of low-level slimes perfect for grinding experience points.
"Great!" I declared, trying to sound optimistic despite my track record. "No chickens. No toast demons. Just simple, gooey blobs that definitely won't try to kill us!"
Haruka side-eyed me. "With your luck, they'll somehow be unkillable too."
"That's the spirit! Negative thinking keeps expectations low!"
"That's not—" She sighed. "Why do I even bother?"
Nugget clucked in agreement, though whether he was agreeing with me or Haruka was unclear. Probably Haruka. Even my own mount knew I was a disaster.
---
Slimegrove was actually kind of beautiful, in a gooey, gelatinous sort of way. The trees dripped with bioluminescent ooze that cast everything in soft blue and green light. Mushrooms the size of houses dotted the landscape, their caps wobbling with each step we took. The air smelled weirdly sweet, like someone had melted a thousand gummy bears and turned it into atmosphere.
And everywhere—*everywhere*—were slimes.
They bounced around like living water balloons, each one labeled with increasingly ridiculous names:
**Sticky Steve** (Lv. 3) - A green slime that looked offended by our presence
**Sir Boing-a-Lot** (Lv. 4) - A blue slime with what appeared to be a mustache
**Jelly Jeff** (Lv. 5) - A red slime that was definitely judging my outfit
**Gloopy Gary** (Lv. 3) - A yellow slime that seemed perpetually surprised
And then there was one particularly aggressive blob called **Bouncy Chan** (Lv. 6) who immediately made a beeline for me with the clear intention of absorbing my pants.
"NOT THE PANTS!" I screamed, dodge-rolling away. "I JUST GOT THESE!"
Haruka was already casting spells, her staff glowing with magical energy. "They're literally called 'Cloth of Minimal Shame!' They're not worth protecting!"
"THEY'RE ALL I HAVE!"
Combat ensued. It was less "epic battle" and more "three idiots flailing at gelatin." 
I discovered that my broken spoon handle (I'd somehow kept the handle after the spoon part shattered) actually did damage to slimes. Not much—about 3 HP per hit—but it was something. I felt like I was trying to eat soup with a fork, except the soup was alive and trying to eat me back.
Haruka's fire spells were more effective, turning slimes into little puddles of goo that dropped copper coins and items labeled "Slime Residue (Crafting Material - You'll regret collecting this)."
Nugget, meanwhile, had discovered that pecking slimes made them pop like balloons. He seemed to be having the time of his life.
The battle reached its peak when Bouncy Chan finally caught up to me and did exactly what I'd feared—it tried to absorb my pants.
I felt the Cloth of Minimal Shame start to slip.
"NO NO NO NO—"
Haruka, laughing so hard she could barely aim, cast a precision fire bolt that vaporized Bouncy Chan inches from my waistband.
My pants remained. My dignity did not.
"I saved your pants," Haruka said between giggles. "You owe me."
"I owe you my life."
"No, just your pants. Your life isn't worth that much."
---
After clearing out what PatchNotes cheerfully called a "Tutorial Slime Encounter (Difficulty: Pathetic)," we ventured deeper into Slimegrove. The vegetation got thicker, the slimes got bigger, and I got increasingly nervous.
That's when we saw her.
In the middle of a clearing that sparkled with some kind of magical particle effect, standing on what appeared to be a mushroom stage, was an NPC unlike any I'd seen before.
She was humanoid. Mostly. Her body was made entirely of translucent pink slime that shimmered in the light. She wore what could generously be called a dress—really just a more solid layer of slime shaped into clothing. Her face was cute in that anime way that immediately screamed "this is a trap, do not interact."
Above her head floated a name tag:
> **Lady Gloopina - Potion Maiden of Slimegrove**> Quest Giver (???)> Affection Level: 0/100> Status: Waiting for someone to click her dialogue
"Oh no," Haruka said immediately.
"What?"
"That's a romance NPC."
"A what?"
"You can tell by the 'Affection Level' marker. She's probably got a whole questline that leads to—"
"Hiiiii~!" Gloopina's voice was high-pitched and sugary, like someone had taught a marshmallow to speak. "Brave adventurer! I am Lady Gloopina, the Potion Maiden! Are you here to accept my trial?"
I approached cautiously. "What kind of trial?"
"The trial of... CUSTOMER SERVICE!" She struck a pose, sparkles erupting around her. "If you can satisfy my requirements, I will grant you access to my potion shop! The finest healing items in all of Slimegrove!"
That actually sounded useful. We were running low on healing items after the Toaster Tomb incident.
"What do I need to do?" I asked.
Gloopina clapped her gelatinous hands together. "You must simply pledge your heart to receive the gift of Gloop!"
A dialogue box appeared:
> **Quest: Pledge Your Heart**> Accept Lady Gloopina's trial?> [YES] [NO]
"See?" I said to Haruka. "Just flavor text. It's a normal quest prompt."
"Kazuki, don't—"
I clicked YES.
The world exploded into pink sparkles.
A new dialogue box appeared, this one much more official-looking:
> **⚠️ MARRIAGE CONTRACT INITIATED ⚠️**> > Are you SURE you want to enter a Slime Marriage Contract with Lady Gloopina?> > This will bind you to the following obligations:> - Weekly gift-giving (Slime Preference: Shiny rocks)> - Joint dungeon clearing (Mandatory date nights)> - Meeting the in-laws (The Gelatinous Royal Family)> - Sharing inventory space (50% of all items)> > **WARNING: This contract is LEGALLY BINDING within game mechanics**> **WARNING: Breaking the contract will result in Slime Mafia bounty**> **WARNING: Are you REALLY sure?**>> [YES, I UNDERSTAND THE CONSEQUENCES] [NO, GET ME OUT OF HERE]
I stared at the prompt.
Haruka stared at me.
Nugget stared at a nearby flower.
"Kazuki," Haruka said slowly, her voice the kind of calm that preceded volcanic eruptions. "Step away from the slime."
"It's probably just a joke," I said. "Like, ironic game design. They wouldn't actually—"
"DO. NOT. CLICK. YES."
But here's the thing about me and video games: I have this compulsion to see what happens when you click the obviously bad option. It's gotten me killed in literally hundreds of games. It's why I died to the chicken ten times. It's why I opened the debug chest.
It's why my finger was already moving toward YES.
"KAZUKI, NO!"
I clicked YES.
---
The sky turned pink.
Fireworks exploded from every tree.
A chorus of slimes began singing what could only be described as a wedding march played on kazoos.
Gloopina tackled me in a moist, gelatinous hug that made me feel like I was being absorbed by a sentient water balloon.
> **💕 CONGRATULATIONS! 💕**>> You are now wed to Lady Gloopina!> > New Status: Married (Slime Edition)> New Title: "The Groom of Gloop"> New Passive Skill: "Slime Support Wife">   - Heal 5 HP per second when near Gloopina>   - +10% resistance to water damage (stacks with Slightly Moist)>   - Shared inventory space (items may become sticky)>   - Can summon Gloopina in battle (cooldown: 5 minutes)>> **ALERT: You are now a person of interest to the Gelatinous Royal Family**> **ALERT: The Gelatinous King has been notified of your marriage**> **ALERT: He is not pleased**
PatchNotes appeared, its text somehow conveying deep disappointment:
> "Achievement Unlocked: 'Married to the Game (Literally)'"> "Secondary Achievement: 'This Could Have Been Avoided'"> "You have unlocked Passive Effect: Slime Support Wife."> "Also you are now hunted by the Gelatinous King for marrying his daughter without proper slime protocol."> "The dev team is laughing. I can hear them through the code."
Gloopina pulled back from the hug, her gelatinous face beaming with joy. "Oh, darling! I'm so happy! We're going to have such wonderful adventures together!"
I looked at Haruka.
Haruka had sat down on a rock and put her face in her hands. Her shoulders were shaking.
"Are you crying?" I asked carefully.
She looked up. She wasn't crying.
She was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe.
"You," she gasped between laughs, "MARRIED. A SLIME. BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT. IT WAS A LOOT BUTTON."
"In my defense—"
"YOU HAVE NO DEFENSE!"
"—I've clicked worse things!"
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER!"
Gloopina looked between us, confused. "Is... is your companion okay?"
"She's processing," I said weakly.
"Processing your STUPIDITY!" Haruka wheezed, tears streaming down her face. "Oh my god. Oh my GOD. Kazuki. You. You married an NPC. In a BETA TEST."
"At least I have healing now?" I offered.
She just pointed at me, unable to form words, her laughter echoing through Slimegrove.
---
After Haruka recovered (it took fifteen minutes and she had to use a stamina potion), we attempted to assess the situation like rational people.
"Okay," Haruka said, wiping her eyes. "Let's think about this logically. Marriage in MMOs is usually just a cosmetic feature. It probably doesn't actually mean—"
A notification popped up:
> **QUEST UPDATED: "Married Life"**> > Your marriage to Lady Gloopina has triggered a mandatory quest chain!> > Current Objective: Survive the meeting with your father-in-law> Deadline: 24 hours (in-game time)> Penalty for Failure: Death (probably), Divorce (definitely), Slime Mafia bounty (absolutely)
"It means something," I said quietly.
"It means something," Haruka agreed.
Gloopina bounced excitedly. "Oh, Father will be SO excited to meet you! He's very protective, but I'm sure once he sees how wonderful you are, he'll—"
A portal ripped open in the air above us.
It was massive, swirling with colors that made my eyes hurt. Through it, I could hear something that sounded like a tsunami made of jello.
"—probably not murder you!" Gloopina finished cheerfully.
"WHAT?!" I screamed.
From the portal descended the largest slime I had ever seen. He was seven stories tall, translucent blue, wearing what appeared to be a crown made of crystallized slime and a cape fashioned from caramelized sugar. His face—if you could call it that—held an expression of profound disappointment.
Above him, a health bar appeared that made my stomach drop:
> **THE GELATINOUS KING - Lv. 87**> Title: Father of Ten Thousand Blobs> Mood: Disappointed> Danger Level: YOU REALLY MESSED UP THIS TIME
"WHO," the King's voice boomed like molasses through a megaphone, each word making the ground tremble, "DARES MARRY MY DAUGHTER WITHOUT FOLLOWING PROPER SLIME MATRIMONIAL PROTOCOL?!"
"Hi, Dad," Gloopina squeaked, waving.
"Oh crap," I whispered.
Haruka groaned. "We're all going to die in jelly."
Nugget, apparently deciding this was above his pay grade, simply sat down and started preening his feathers.
The Gelatinous King's massive form descended until he was hovering just above ground level, his enormous gelatinous body wobbling with barely contained emotion. I could see smaller slimes swimming inside him like fish in the world's most terrifying aquarium.
"YOUNG MAN," the King said, his voice slightly less booming but no less intimidating. "DO YOU EVEN HAVE A PROPER SLIME DOWRY?"
"A... what?" I asked, my voice cracking.
"FATHER DEMANDS YOU PRESENT: ONE THOUSAND WILD BERRIES, A LEGENDARY WEAPON OF YOUR CHOOSING, AND PROOF THAT YOU CAN ADEQUATELY PROVIDE FOR MY DAUGHTER'S NEEDS."
I checked my inventory with trembling hands:- 1x Broken Spoon Handle (cursed)- 1x Cloth of Maximum Concern (3 durability remaining)- 47x Slime Residue (crafting material I would indeed regret)- 3x Slightly Damp Rocks- 1x Marriage Certificate (non-refundable, apparently magical binding)- 12 copper coins
"I'm... still gathering resources?" I offered weakly.
Haruka grabbed my collar. "You married a slime princess. WITHOUT CHECKING. THE QUEST REQUIREMENTS?!"
"I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST FLAVOR TEXT!"
"MARRIAGE IS NEVER JUST FLAVOR TEXT!"
The Gelatinous King sighed. The sound was like air escaping from the world's saddest balloon. His entire body deflated slightly, making him only six stories tall instead of seven.
"This generation," he muttered, his voice filled with the exhausted disappointment of parents everywhere. "They click *everything*. No reading. No consideration. Just... click. Click. Click."
"Your Majesty," Gloopina interjected, bouncing nervously between her father and me. "Father, please! He's... um... he has a chicken!"
The King's attention shifted to Nugget, who had finished preening and was now staring back at the massive slime with the blank expression of a creature that had transcended fear.
A long, uncomfortable silence followed.
Then: "...Is that the Unkillable Chicken of Doom?"
"Yep!" I said, my voice unnaturally bright. "That's Nugget! We're best friends now! He only kills me occasionally!"
The King recoiled. Actually recoiled. A being made of seven stories of gelatinous material somehow managed to look disturbed.
"You... you TAMED the Beta Deletion Event?!"
PatchNotes appeared helpfully:
> "Fun Fact: The Unkillable Chicken of Doom was originally designed to delete corrupted save files by killing players until their data reset. You befriended automated game maintenance."
"I prefer to think of it as creative problem-solving," I said.
The King's mood status shifted:
> Mood: Confused Respect (New Status!)
"Hmm. Perhaps..." The King stroked what might have been his chin, if slimes had chins. "Perhaps you are not entirely useless. Any fool who could tame such a beast might have... potential."
"See?" I whispered to Haruka. "It's working!"
"Nothing about this is working," she hissed back.
---
The Gelatinous King crossed his gelatinous arms (they were really just extensions of his body mass, but the gesture was clear). "Very well. Complete THREE trials, mortal, and I shall permit this union. Fail, and you shall face the consequences."
"What consequences?" I asked.
"CONSEQUENCES," he repeated ominously.
"That's not specific."
"IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE."
A quest prompt appeared:
> **QUEST: "Prove Your Worth (To Slime Royalty)"**>> The Gelatinous King has challenged you to three trials!> Complete all three to legitimize your marriage to Lady Gloopina.>> Failure Conditions:> - Death during any trial> - Giving up> - The King getting bored> - Literally anything going wrong>> Rewards:> - Marriage certificate upgrade (from "questionable" to "legitimate")> - +50 reputation with Slime Kingdom> - Survival (maybe)>> Do you accept?> [YES] [NO] [CAN I THINK ABOUT IT?]
"What if I just... don't?" I whispered to PatchNotes.
> "Abandoning the marriage contract will result in: Immediate Slime Mafia bounty (5000 gold), permanent reputation loss with all slime-based factions, Gloopina crying (do you want to make a slime cry?), and the King using you as a stress ball."
I looked at Gloopina, who was gazing at me with big, hopeful eyes that somehow worked despite being made of translucent gelatin.
I looked at Haruka, who was making a "this is your mess, deal with it" gesture.
I looked at Nugget, who had found a worm and was pecking at it with intense focus.
"...Fine," I sighed. "What are the trials?"
The Gelatinous King smiled. It was not a comforting smile.
"TRIAL ONE," he announced, his voice echoing through the grove, "THE BERRY HARVEST OF DOOM!"
---
*End of Chapter 3