Three Trials and a Slime Mafia Initiation

The Gelatinous King gestured dramatically with a gelatinous appendage toward the darkest, most ominous part of Slimegrove. In the distance, I could see a forest of thorny plants that seemed to be... screaming?
"TRIAL ONE," the King announced with the gravitas of someone pronouncing a death sentence. "THE BERRY HARVEST OF DOOM. You must retrieve ONE THOUSAND wild berries from the Shrieking Bramble Grove within THIRTY MINUTES."
"That's impossible!" I protested.
"THAT IS THE POINT."
"But—"
"TWENTY-NINE MINUTES AND FIFTY SECONDS."
"YOU JUST STARTED THE TIMER?!"
"TWENTY-NINE MINUTES AND FORTY SECONDS."
Haruka grabbed my arm. "Stop arguing and start running, you idiot!"
We sprinted toward the forest, Nugget flying overhead like the world's most judgmental attack helicopter. Gloopina bounced along behind us, cheering encouragements like "You can do it, darling!" and "Don't die, sweetie!" which were somehow both supportive and deeply concerning.
---
The Shrieking Bramble Grove was exactly as advertised: a nightmare forest of thorny bushes that literally screamed when you got close to them.
"WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" one bush shrieked as we approached.
"BERRIES ARE FOR CLOSERS!" another wailed.
"I HAVEN'T UPDATED MY WILL!" a third one sobbed.
"These plants have anxiety issues," Haruka observed.
"These plants have *life* issues," I corrected.
PatchNotes appeared:
> "Environmental Hazard Detected: Shrieking Brambles"> "Damage Type: Psychic (annoying)"> "Side Effects: Headache, existential dread, urge to question life choices"> "You're already experiencing all of these. Proceed."
We dove into the grove. Immediately, thorns tore at our clothes and the screaming intensified to ear-splitting levels. The bushes weren't just screaming random things anymore—they were getting *personal*.
"YOU STILL HAVEN'T CALLED YOUR MOTHER!" one shrieked at me.
"YOUR BROWSER HISTORY IS STILL CACHED!" another accused.
"YOU'RE WEARING PANTS CALLED 'MAXIMUM CONCERN'!" a third one mocked.
"HOW DO THEY KNOW THESE THINGS?!" I yelled, frantically grabbing berries.
"THEY'RE READING YOUR CHARACTER DATA!" Haruka shouted back, casting fire spells to clear paths through the thorns. "STOP CLICKING SUSPICIOUS THINGS!"
"I'LL STOP WHEN THE GAME STOPS GIVING ME SUSPICIOUS THINGS TO CLICK!"
Nugget, unbothered by the screaming or thorns, simply pecked at bushes with mechanical efficiency. Each peck made a bush explode into a shower of berries. 
"NUGGET IS BETTER AT THIS THAN YOU!" a bush screamed at me.
"I KNOW!" I screamed back.
Gloopina, meanwhile, had discovered that her gelatinous body could absorb berries by just rolling over bushes. She was like a living, bouncing vacuum cleaner. "This is fun, honey! We should do this every weekend!"
"THAT'S NOT REASSURING!" I yelled, my arms full of berries that kept trying to roll away because apparently even the berries in this game were buggy.
Then I noticed something crucial: the bushes were respawning. I'd watched Haruka burn one down, and three seconds later, it grew back with a fresh batch of berries.
"They're glitched!" I shouted. "THEY RESPAWN ON A LOOP!"
Haruka's eyes widened with understanding. "So we just—"
"EXPLOIT IT!"
We immediately shifted strategy. Haruka would burn a cluster of bushes. I'd collect the berries before they despawned. Nugget would guard our growing pile. Gloopina would absorb any stragglers. We'd formed an accidentally efficient farming operation.
The bushes didn't seem to know how to handle this.
"THIS ISN'T HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS!" one shrieked.
"YOU'RE BREAKING THE ENCOUNTER DESIGN!" another wailed.
"THE DEVS ARE CRYING!" a third one sobbed.
"GOOD!" Haruka and I yelled in unison.
---
Twenty-eight minutes later, we stumbled back to the Gelatinous King with 1,847 berries. We were covered in scratches, psychic damage, and plant-based insults, but we'd done it.
The King blinked. All of his eyes blinked. I didn't know slimes had eyes, but apparently when they're surprised enough, they manifest them just to blink.
"How did you—"
"Speedrun tactics, baby!" I grinned, dumping berries at his gelatinous feet. "Respawn loops are a classic exploit!"
The King stared at the pile of berries. Then at us. Then at the berries again.
> "TRIAL ONE: COMPLETE"> "Achievement Unlocked: Berry Efficient"> "The Gelatinous King's Opinion: Impressed (Reluctantly)"> "New Title Available: 'Professional Bush Farmer'"
"I am... not sure whether to be proud or concerned," the King admitted.
"Welcome to my entire experience with Kazuki," Haruka said flatly.
---
"TRIAL TWO," the King announced, having recovered his composure and his dramatic flair. "SLAY THE CORRUPTED PUDDING."
He gestured toward a cave entrance that seemed to exhale sadness. A health bar appeared in the distance:
> **The Corrupted Pudding - Lv. 65**> Status: Depressed, Possibly Dangerous, Definitely Needs Therapy> Warning: Boss fight contains emotional damage
"Wait," I said. "Slay?"
"YES. IT IS A TRADITIONAL COMBAT TRIAL."
"But you just said it's your nephew."
"IT IS."
"So we're supposed to kill your nephew?"
"NO. DEFEAT HIM WITHOUT KILLING HIM. HE HAS... ISSUES."
PatchNotes elaborated:
> "Boss Modifier: Pacifist Route Available"> "The Corrupted Pudding suffers from severe self-esteem issues and imposter syndrome. Defeating him through violence will result in trial failure. Alternative solution required."> "This is technically a therapy session with combat mechanics."
"This game is so weird," Haruka muttered.
---
We descended into the gelatin catacombs, a series of wobbly tunnels that smelled like a dessert buffet that had achieved sentience and chosen depression. The walls were made of various pudding layers, each one a different flavor of sadness.
Deep in the cavern, we found him.
The Corrupted Pudding was massive—easily the size of a small house. He was a swirling mass of chocolate, caramel, and vanilla layers that seemed to be constantly separating and recombining. His eyes (manifested through sheer emotional distress) were enormous and glistening with unshed tears.
"WHO DARES ENTER MY DOMAIN OF DESPAIR?!" he boomed, his voice echoing with reverb that suggested someone had added way too many audio effects.
"We're here for the trial!" I called out.
"OF COURSE YOU ARE!" The Pudding's voice cracked. "Everyone wants something from me! But does anyone ask how I'M doing? Does anyone care about MY feelings?!"
The boss fight began, but it wasn't like any boss fight I'd experienced.
**The Corrupted Pudding uses: Despair Splash!**> *A wave of chocolate pudding crashed over us, dealing 0 physical damage but inflicting status effect: "Mild Sadness"*
**The Corrupted Pudding uses: Calorie Bomb!**> *An explosion of caramel that dealt "guilt damage" - my character felt bad about all the desserts I'd eaten in real life*
**The Corrupted Pudding uses: Sticky Therapy!**> *I got trapped in a memory of the time I tried to bake cookies for my mom and set the kitchen on fire*
"THIS ISN'T COMBAT!" Haruka yelled, frozen in place as she experienced what appeared to be her own traumatic baking memory. "THIS IS EMOTIONAL WARFARE!"
The Pudding sobbed. "I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE MENU! They put me in the CATACOMBS! Do you know what it's like to be REJECTED by a restaurant?!"
I tried attacking with my spoon handle. It dealt 3 damage and made the Pudding cry harder.
> "Critical Hit: Hurt Feelings"> "The Corrupted Pudding's depression deepened"> "You monster"
"STOP HITTING HIM!" Gloopina bounced forward, having followed us into the cave. "Cousin! You're *delicious* just the way you are!"
The Pudding paused mid-attack. "C-Cousin Gloopina?"
"YES! And this is my husband!" She gestured at me proudly. "He's very good at clicking things without thinking!"
"That's not the endorsement you think it is," I muttered.
Gloopina continued, bouncing closer to the massive pudding. "Cousin, you don't need to be perfect! You don't need to be on a menu! You're *you*, and that's sweet! Literally! You're made of sugar!"
The Pudding's attacks stopped. His massive form quivered.
"R-really?"
"REALLY! Besides, being in a restaurant is terrible! People eat you! This way, you get to live in a nice cave and have existential crises in peace!"
"That's... actually a good point," the Pudding admitted. "I hadn't thought of it that way."
Haruka, freed from her sticky therapy trap, stared at the scene unfolding. "Are we... are we watching family therapy right now?"
"I think so," I said.
The Corrupted Pudding began to glow. His form stabilized, the layers of chocolate and caramel settling into a more cohesive shape. His eyes stopped crying and started sparkling with something that might have been hope.
> **BOSS PACIFIED THROUGH EMOTIONAL SUPPORT**> "Achievement Unlocked: Therapist (Unqualified)"> "Trial 2: COMPLETE (Therapy Route)"> "The Corrupted Pudding's mental health has improved by 40%"> "He has given you his blessing"
The Pudding, now much calmer, smiled at us. "Thank you. I... I think I needed that. Here, take this." He dropped a loot item: **Pudding of Self-Acceptance** (+50 HP, +10 Mental Fortitude, Tastes Like Growth).
The Gelatinous King's voice echoed through the cavern: "MY BOY... HE'S HEALING..."
I could have sworn I heard the King crying. Can slimes cry? Apparently yes, because the ceiling started dripping with what I really hoped was condensation and not royal tears.
---
We emerged from the catacombs to find the Gelatinous King openly weeping, his massive form wobbling with emotion.
"You helped my nephew," he sobbed. "You didn't just fight him. You HELPED him. I... I may have judged you too harshly, young man."
> "The Gelatinous King's Opinion: Deeply Moved"> "Relationship Status: Potential Son-in-Law (Acceptable)"
"So we passed?" I asked hopefully.
"TWO TRIALS DOWN," the King said, wiping his eyes (all seventeen of them). "But the THIRD... the third is the most important."
A portal opened beside us. Through it stepped three slimes wearing pinstripe suits and tiny fedoras. They oozed with the confidence of people who'd seen things. Illegal things.
The one in front, slightly larger and wearing a fedora with a red band, spoke in a voice that sounded like someone gargling marbles in a Brooklyn accent:
"So. You're the punk who married the Princess without *permission*."
"Oh no," I whispered.
"Oh YES," the slime replied. "I'm Don Bloberto. And you, my friend, got a problem."
PatchNotes appeared:
> "TRIAL THREE: SLIME MAFIA INITIATION"> "Welcome to the underground (literally)"> "Your life insurance is about to become very relevant"
---
Don Bloberto oozed forward, his two associates (labeled "Sticky Fingers" and "The Globfather") flanking him menacingly. 
"See, kid, here's the situation," Don Bloberto explained, somehow managing to crack his knuckles despite not having hands. "In Slimegrove, you don't just *marry* into the Royal Family. You gotta get the blessing of the Family. The *other* Family. Capisce?"
"The Slime Mafia runs the economy?" Haruka asked.
"The Slime Mafia runs *everything*," Sticky Fingers corrected. "Protection, potions, real estate, respawn insurance... you name it, we got our pseudopods in it."
"We're a diversified criminal organization," The Globfather added proudly.
Don Bloberto held up what might have been a tentacle. "So here's the deal. You complete one job for us, you get our blessing. You fail..." He made a squelching sound that I really hoped wasn't meant to represent violence. "Let's just say the Respawn City river runs *real* thick with slime, if you catch my drift."
A quest prompt appeared:
> **TRIAL THREE: "Special Delivery"**>> Deliver a mysterious package to the Respawn City black market.>> Rules:> - Don't open the package> - Don't ask questions  > - Don't die (the package is insured, you're not)> - Avoid the Code Breakers (they want you dead)> - Arrive within 2 hours>> Reward: Slime Mafia Blessing, 500 gold, Survival> Failure: Cement shoes (slime edition), Sleeping with the fishes (they bite now)
"What's in the package?" I asked.
All three mafia slimes stared at me.
"Did I not *just* say don't ask questions?" Don Bloberto sighed.
"But—"
"Kid. You married the Princess without asking permission. You tamed a world boss by accident. You turned a bush-gathering quest into a farming operation. I got a feeling you can handle a simple delivery without needing to know what's in the box."
"But I *want* to know—"
Haruka elbowed me hard in the ribs. "WE ACCEPT. Thank you for this opportunity, Don Bloberto."
The Don smiled (I think). "Smart girl. You, I like. HIM..." He gestured at me. "Him, we'll see. Vinny, give 'em the package."
Sticky Fingers produced a box from... somewhere. It was wrapped in brown paper and tied with string. It was about the size of a shoebox and vibrated slightly. Also, it was whispering.
"Let me out..." the package murmured.
"I contain forbidden knowledge..." it added.
"Also maybe a sandwich," it concluded.
I stared at the box. "This is going to go badly."
"Probably!" Don Bloberto agreed cheerfully. "But that's what makes it fun! Now get going. Clock's ticking. Oh, and one more thing—the Code Breakers put a bounty on your head. Something about you 'disrupting game balance' and 'being a walking bug report.' They'll probably try to kill you on the way."
"PROBABLY?!" I squeaked.
"Definitely," The Globfather corrected. "They're very motivated."
---
We set off through the **Glitch Wastes**—the zone between Slimegrove and Respawn City where reality flickered like a bad internet connection. The landscape kept shifting between different biomes: forest, desert, ocean, and occasionally something that looked like the inside of a computer error message.
The package wouldn't shut up.
"I know the truth about the devs..." it whispered.
"The cake is a lie, but the pie is negotiable..." it added mysteriously.
"Are you going to eat me? I might be a sandwich..." it concluded hopefully.
"CAN SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP TALKING?!" Haruka yelled.
"DON'T OPEN IT!" I yelled back.
"I WASN'T GOING TO OPEN IT!"
"THE PACKAGE ASKED IF WE WERE GOING TO EAT IT!"
"THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM!"
Nugget, flying overhead, clucked in what I chose to interpret as judgment.
---
Halfway through the Wastes, we were ambushed.
Players emerged from behind glitching trees—at least a dozen of them, all wearing matching dark armor with a logo that looked like a broken bracket: **}{**
Their leader stepped forward, a player with the username **SyntaxError** floating above his head. He was Level 24, wielding a sword that crackled with digital energy, and he looked at me with the kind of hatred usually reserved for people who spoil movie endings.
"The Bugged Survivor," he sneered. "You've made quite a name for yourself. Breaking game mechanics, exploiting bugs, taming raid bosses..."
"It's called being efficient," I replied.
"It's called being a *problem*." He pointed his sword at me. "The Code Breakers are trying to fix this game. To make it work properly. And you? You're making it worse with every breath."
"The game was already broken when I got here!"
"AND YOU'RE BREAKING IT FURTHER!" He gestured to his guild. "We're here to delete you. And that package you're carrying? We need it. It contains admin access codes. With it, we can rewrite this world's rules."
The package whispered: "I'm very important! Also maybe delicious!"
Haruka pulled out her staff. "Kazuki. Don't give them the package."
"I wasn't planning to!"
"You gave a slime a marriage contract!"
"THAT WAS DIFFERENT!"
SyntaxError laughed. "You're a joke, Kazuki. You stumble through this world, breaking things by accident, somehow surviving on pure luck and glitches. Hand over the package, and maybe we'll let you respawn without a bounty."
I looked at the package. Then at SyntaxError. Then at Haruka, who had fire literally gathering in her palms. Then at Nugget, who had landed on my shoulder and was radiating murder energy. Then at Gloopina, who had been bouncing along cheerfully but now looked genuinely upset.
"You know what?" I said. "I'm tired of people calling me a joke. I'm tired of people saying I don't belong here. So here's what's going to happen: I'm going to deliver this package. You're going to get out of my way. And if you don't..."
I activated my Debug Cloak. The world around me shifted, revealing hidden elements—collision boundaries, spawn points, NPC patrol paths. And most importantly: a massive environmental hazard right above where the Code Breakers were standing.
"...I'm going to exploit the environment."
I threw a rock at a specific point in the air.
The game registered it as "player interaction with unstable geometry."
The Glitch Wastes did what glitched areas do best: they glitched.
Reality inverted. Gravity reversed. The Code Breakers found themselves falling into the sky, their screams fading as they clipped through the skybox and into the void beyond the map.
> "Environmental Kill x12"> "Achievement Unlocked: 'Creative Problem Solving'"> "The Code Breakers will respawn in 10 minutes, very confused"
SyntaxError, who'd managed to grab onto a tree, stared at me with pure hatred. "This isn't over! The Code Breakers will—"
Nugget pecked him. He fell into the sky.
---
We arrived at Respawn City with fifteen minutes to spare.
The black market was hidden in a back alley (literally called "Back Alley #7" on the map). We found the contact—an NPC with the incredibly suspicious name "Definitely Not a Criminal"—and handed over the package.
"Ah, yes," the NPC said, accepting the box. "The thing. That I was expecting. Which is definitely legal."
"What was in it?" I asked.
"A sandwich!" the NPC said, opening the box. "A highly illegal sandwich that contains admin permissions baked into its lettuce! The Don thanks you for your service!"
> "TRIAL THREE: COMPLETE"> "Achievement Unlocked: 'Courier (Criminal Edition)'"> "The Slime Mafia approves of your work"> "New Reputation: Respectable (Mafia Standard)"
A portal opened, and Don Bloberto oozed through, flanked by his associates and the Gelatinous King.
"Kid," the Don said, "you did good. Real good. You got moxie. You got style. You got... whatever this is." He gestured at my entire existence. "The Family approves."
The Gelatinous King stepped forward. "You have passed all three trials. You have proven yourself capable, resourceful, and..." He paused. "...acceptably strange. I give you my blessing to marry my daughter."
> **QUEST COMPLETE: "Prove Your Worth (To Slime Royalty)"**>> All Trials Passed!> - Berry Harvest: Exploited (Success!)> - Corrupted Pudding: Therapy'd (Success!)  > - Mafia Delivery: Delivered (Success!)>> Rewards:> - Marriage Certificate Upgraded: "Legitimate"> - +100 Reputation with Slime Kingdom> - +50 Reputation with Slime Mafia> - 500 gold> - New Title: "Son-in-Law (Gelatinous)"> - Survival (Guaranteed... for now)
Gloopina tackle-hugged me, which was becoming her signature move. "WE DID IT! We're officially married now!"
"I'm so confused about my life," I muttered.
"Same," Haruka said. "But at least you're not dead."
"Yet," PatchNotes added helpfully.
The Gelatinous King placed a gelatinous appendage on my shoulder. "Take care of my daughter, young man. And try not to break too many more game mechanics."
"No promises," I said honestly.
"I expected nothing less," the King sighed.
---
As we walked through the gates of Respawn City—a massive settlement that looked like someone had built a medieval town using only bugs and prayers—I reflected on what had just happened.
I'd married a slime princess. Passed three trials. Made peace with a depressed pudding. Earned the respect of the Slime Mafia. And somehow survived an ambush by the Code Breakers.
. I said,"You know, this is actually going pretty well."