Chapter 3

Nina

Dear diary,

What can I tell you that you haven’t already understood? The evening with Mel was a disaster, and one that I wish I could undo with every cell of my body. It was a mistake to think it would be different this time. I’m not fit to be around people, I’ve never been, and this was no exception. It would have been better to stay at home, where the chances of making mistakes were minimal.

But I forget myself. I’m sure you want to know what happened, although what can I tell you about yesterday that you haven’t already understood?

You already know that I debated with myself until the very last moment. Even as I stood on the doorstep to leave, I wondered if I should go or not. If only I had listened to those doubts. I know they will lead me right, just like they’ve always done.

But I did one of those rare things then, convincing myself that it was for the best, just as mother used to. I shouldn’t have. It wasn’t for the best, it never is. Nothing is ever for the best, other than to follow your doubts until the end. But I took the courage that I had and forced my feet onto the street.

The whole way there, I wanted to turn back. After all, what harm would it do? They would simply cancel it, and nothing else would have happened. But by the time I arrived at the hotel entrance, it was too late. Maybe it was silly of me, but I imagined that they would have seen me, and then wondered why I left. So I stepped inside.

How I wished I hadn’t gone, but it was too late, and when the man came up to me and led me away, I had no choice but to follow. I almost closed my eyes, I was so fearful, but I didn’t want to stumble and make a fool of myself, so I forced myself to watch the floor, so my feet could find the way.

He led me to a room, it must have been a staff room because there was a table and chairs, and an open box of biscuits standing on the counter. He gestured for me to sit down on one of them and then left as suddenly as he had arrived. My heart was pounding then, and I wondered what I had agreed to. I could have been at home, spending the evening watching anime, but of course, it was all too late.

I don’t know how long I sat there, it probably felt longer than it was, when the man opened the door once again. I still didn’t know his name, I realised, but I didn’t have the courage to ask, and in any case, it was no time.

At first, I heard his words clearly, but once he’d told me it had been cancelled, I fell into the hole where there is no returning, and I no longer understood his speech. I remember his hand on my arm as he led me out, but instead of taking me back to the lobby, he turned and walked the other way, down the corridors.

I barely remember anything after that, only the red fitted carpet that blurred before my eyes. When he stopped, I believe he must have said something because I saw his mouth moving, but I could not hear his words. He left me then, and when I looked around, I saw I was standing at an exit. It must be the staff entrance, and I put a hand on the door handle when I suddenly saw the sign to the emergency stairs to my side. I paused, watching the green neon sign, and after a moment’s hesitation, I dropped my hand to the side and instead turned to open the exit door. My feet led me up the stairs until I came to the roof, and only then did I halt. I’m not sure why I did it, but now, as I stood there, I couldn’t resist walking over to the edge.

I remember the sounds below me, the activity they pertained to no longer belonged with me. They were nothing more than a faint memory of something that was lost a long time ago. Maybe it was for the best what happened after that, but I no longer know if I believe in it.