About My First Crush, Part One

April 1st, 2017

Have you ever had any romantic experiences before?

[Kenzie]: Nope

Same

[Kenzie]: Wait tell me about your past crushes!

HAHAHA wow that was direct

[Kenzie]: I’m listening~

It might be a long story
Are you sure?

[Kenzie]: Yes yes

The topic of my first crush wasn’t widely known, but it was still a nostalgic story that I liked talking about.

It lasted for almost 6 years

[Kenzie]:Whoa

Do you wanna call

[Kenzie]: Yes hehe

Kenzie started calling me. After the usual “Hello? Can you hear me?” shenanigans, I picked up where I left off.

“Her name’s Sachi. The same person that encouraged me to join the charity marathon, actually.”

“Mmhm.”

In August 2009, I sat next to her on the first day of 5th grade. I’d already known who she was, but for some reason, I was struck by an internal reaction to looking at her sitting right next to me. It was a new feeling to my 8-year-old self. But even when we feel it for the first time, chances are, we recognize it.

“Sitting with her in grade 5 made me really giddy. The first thing she ever gave me was a small, red pencil that I treasured almost religiously. Like it was the red pencil of fate. I put it in a special pocket and everything.”

Kenzie chuckled from the other side of the line. “Such a precious child.”

“Yes, I know I’m precious, thank you. I used that same pencil to draw lots of dogs in her book.”

“She gave you a pencil and you used it to sabotage her studies?”

“It’s okay, she sabotaged me back. I was too busy looking at her to concentrate in class.”

“That’s all on you.”

“Not my fault that she was so cute.”

The primary school years went by, and we found ourselves in middle school. We were no longer in the same class. It was 2011 by then. This was a time where we were at the age to learn about online messaging and social media – which I actively used despite being under 13.

“By the time middle school started, I couldn’t talk to her as often as I used to. I talked to her on Skype sometimes. The chats are pretty embarrassing because we were 10.”

“I can’t tell if you don’t show me proof.”

“Nice try, Kenzie.”

"So did you drift from her when middle school started?"

“We didn’t talk that often, but we somehow started a tradition of giving each other birthday gifts every year. She started it, actually."

"That's sweet."

"On my 11th birthday, she approached me and gave me a pretty blue paper bag with a big soft dog plushie in it as a birthday gift. I named it Wan-chan."

"What did you give her?"

"The next year, I gave her basic origami rose that my sister taught me how to fold, and a little chocolate-flavored cake that I’d recently learned how to make.”

“Aw.”

“Months later, she unfolded that rose to use the red paper for a school project.”

“Aww.”

“She got a C.”

“Awww.”

"Anyway, later on in 2013,  I finally told someone other than Ray about my first crush. That person encouraged me to go and confess."

I’d gotten to know one of Sachi's best friends. Her name was Wing, and she ended up being the second person I told about my crush, the first being Ray. I’d liked Sachi for about 4 years by then. Wing convinced me that it was about time to confess to Sachi. Before that, I’d never even considered acting on it.

I immersed myself in their group of friends, and occasionally hung out with them at lunch, sometimes with Ray. It was my first time making new friends and telling them things about myself that I hadn't ever shared. This experience made me realize how nice it felt to be listened to. Wing had her own stories to tell me, and I listened back.

"And did you confess?"

"I confessed on November 8th."

It was a Friday. My last class and Sachi’s last class were on the same floor in the same building. I’d been thinking of what to say to her. I left my class just in time to pass by her class which had also just finished.

I thought I should have been ready.

There was something I was afraid to say but I had to say it but somehow it was hard to say but I had to say it or she’d go and I wouldn’t say it.

We walked down the stairs together. As we walked to our subsequent destinations, while our paths still temporarily overlapped, I reached out and messily tapped her black and purple bag.

“How did she respond?”

"After I said whatever the heck it was that I said, she said 'yay!', I said 'yay', and we went back and forth like that until I said 'okay bye!' and ran away."

After that phenomenon, I texted Wing once I had calmed down enough to handle a phone.

WING WING WING WING WING

[Wing]: YES ROB ROB ROB ROB ROB

I SAID IT BUT I SAID NOTHING I PLANNED TO SAY AND THEN I JUST RAN OFF

[Wing]: YES GO YOU WOOOOOOOO YOU DID IT

AAAAAAAAAA

[Wing]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[WING]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“So you told her and you both went yay?”

“She was like yay -"

Kenzie was laughing.

“I didn’t know what else to say, okay? Stop laughing.”

“YAY!”

“I'll terminate you.”

It would have been easier to just text her, but I was proud of differentiating between things that were fine to leave to texts and things that were better said personally.

"What was the dynamic like after that?"

"Technically, I didn’t even ask her out. It was just a confession. Of course, I understood the meaning of her not saying anything to directly respond to what I told her. But not much changed between me and Sachi."

"I see."

At the time, I told my sister was that I wouldn’t ask Sachi for a date or anything like that, because I didn’t want to guilt trip her into accommodating me while she didn’t like me in that way.

"Oh, but two months after this I went to Sachi’s place with Wing to hang out. Sachi’s mom insisted on taking pictures. So, she got a picture of me, Wing and Sachi together."

"Okay?"

"That was cool and all. And then she got me and Sachi to take one with just the two of us."

"Oooh."

"I thought to myself, she knows. Mother knows."

It was terrifying and I swear Wing was having the time of her life watching me as Sachi’s mom told me to inch closer and put my hand on Sachi’s shoulder. I’d never done that with a girl before, let alone my crush.

Before I left, her mom told me to text Sachi or Ray once I got home. Ray's mom and Sachi’s mom were friends, which was why I’d gotten acquainted with Sachi’s mom over the years.

"You have to show me the picture!" Kenzie begged.

"No I don't."

"But do you have it?"

It didn’t end there. I later realized Sachi’s mom uploaded the pictures onto Facebook, immortalizing my mortification. Some of my classmates liked the picture of me and Sachi, one commented, and Ray's mom liked the picture. Dear God, I wanted to un-life myself. The next morning, just before math class, Ray told me he found the picture too. According to him, I was the talk of the moms.

But did I enjoy the picture? Hell yeah. Although I was almost too embarrassed to take it, nothing but my internet connection and Mark Zuckerberg could stop me from saving it. On my laptop, I made a folder called "Mathematics lectures", and inside that folder, another one called “Calculus notes”, so that no one would be interested in seeing it. Then I saved the photo there.

It almost felt like I was hiding a secret porn stash.

A picture of myself with my hand on my crush’s shoulder. LEWD!

"...I have it," I admitted. "But you have to be interested in math to see it."

"Eh?"

"Anyway, the next Valentine's Day, I made her roses."

"She didn't turn them into a school project this time, did she?"

I snorted. "My sister took me shopping to get green wires and attachable leaves. I picked out some origami paper and got to folding the roses – one for every full year I’d liked her until then. So I made four of them in total. I attached a note, wrapped the origami roses in a red fabric, and enclosed them in a box. I also consciously chose not to buy her actual roses, because they would wilt in a week, which I thought went against the nature of my feelings."

“That’s so sweet.”

I made such a mess that I couldn't hide it from my parents. When they asked me what I was doing, I told them I was making them "so my friend could give them to someone".

"When the day came, I dropped the box in Sachi’s hands and said Happy Valentine’s Day!, then hurried to my next class. Obviously, I didn’t expect anything back. It was an unconditional gesture. And she texted me after school to thank me for everything."

[Sachi]: ROB
[Sachi]: THANK YOU FOR THE ROSES
[Sachi]: Can I just say
[Sachi]: How much I appreciate them
[Sachi]: I read the message too ahhhhhhh
[Sachi]: It really made my day THANK YOUUU HEHEHE

"Honestly, her thank-you text made my day. Maybe as much as it made hers."

"Nawwww."

"Moving on from that, I became friends with a guy called Eugene a few months after Valentine's. We spent a lot of time together in the social circle with Wing and Sachi."

"What's his role in this backstory of yours?"

"Whenever I saw Eugene and Sachi together, I could tell that they got along really well. Especially whenever we hung out at Sachi’s place."

"Hmmmmmmm."

"I envied him. But strangely, I wasn’t jealous."

"Why?"

"Because I liked Eugene. Maybe as much as I liked Sachi."

"Wait, do you-"

"I mean as a friend. I'm straight."

"Ah."

I tried to act more like Eugene because it felt like he got along with Sachi better than I did. I respected his sense of humor and his personality. He was naturally hilarious and had a unique sort of charisma. He could joke around in an exaggeratedly sassy tone and bickered with people in a playful manner. It didn’t work as well for me when I tried to do that with the same people he did that with.

"The camping trip was really fun. Eugene and I kept sneaking into the girl’s kitchen to eat their food."

I particularly remember the fourth evening, when Eugene and I were in our tent. Somehow, the topic of relationships and the fact that Eugene had dated someone came up. I asked if the name of the girl began with the letter that Sachi’s name began with.

“Does her name start with…S?”

“Ah, nope.”

“…”

Then Eugene surrendered. “Okay, I feel bad. Yeah, you’re right. It was her."

The heater in the tent crackled.

“It was just for about a month, but she was the one who did everything. I thought I wasn’t worthy of her. And that I’d screw up whatever I did for her."

We talked a bit more about it. I still remember the quiet, somber mood in the tent. A sole light bulb that was hung from the tent ceiling served as our only light source.

It was a bit sad, but it was an okay sad.

“…And how did it end?”

“I asked her if she wanted to break up with me.”

They’d already broken up before the start of the camping trip and stayed friends. It didn’t take a psychologist to tell that Eugene still liked her at the time. He didn’t know about my feelings, and I had no intention of bringing them up.

"During the trip, I learned that Eugene had secretly dated Sachi for a while. I wasn't surprised. And I also kept my own feelings a secret."

"You didn't tell Eugene that you liked Sachi?"

"Yeah. I didn't tell him so that he wouldn't have to feel bad about sharing his troubles with me."

"Wow."

When you like someone who doesn't feel the same way, there are sometimes those moments where it doesn’t feel so great –  and some of those moments did continue to arise. He still liked her, and so did I, but I was fine with that and I wanted to support him. Because he was my friend, and I knew what he felt because I felt what he felt.

"Sadly, in 2015, Eugene had to move to a boarding school in England. I only realized how out of place I felt without him after he left."

The social circle had already been changing ever since Eugene joined the picture. I usually tried to stick with him – but he couldn’t be there any longer. Ray had already stopped accompanying me there. I barely had any chances to talk to Sachi. She and Wing were getting along just fine with the others. Meanwhile, I was spending time with people who I wasn’t getting to know at all.

"So what did you do after he left?"

Back then, I thought to myself: Was I looking at the faces of people that wanted to know me? Would they really notice if I wasn’t there? What am I doing here?

"I left the social circle as well. I went back to spending time with Ray and the other boys who I hung out with before deciding to go spend more time with Sachi and Wing. Honestly, I felt like I'd neglected them."

"Oh, right. You had another group of friends before the whole thing."

"Yeah. I'd pretty much ditched them."

"How did they react to you coming back?"

"They were mildly surprised but seemed to be happy with me being back."

"That's nice of them."

I was really grateful that they accepted me back without a second thought. I felt like I’d taken my friends for granted, and I didn’t want to bear the guilt associated with that feeling more than once.

"Then a few months after Eugene left, he sent me a text explaining that someone told him that I’d liked Sachi for a long time, and that he felt bad about telling me his issues. He thanked me for everything I did. I asked him what it was that I did, and he said I was just there for him, regardless of how I felt about her, and talked about it with him."

"I can see why you liked him so much."

"Mmhmm. And it was around that time that I finally stopped liking Sachi. I was still close friends with Wing, although I spent a less time her than before."

"And that's when your first crush stopped being your first crush? After almost 6 years."

"Yeah," I replied. "Crushes come and go, but your friends are still going to be your friends. That's why I really appreciate my friends, deep down. They've encouraged me, and accepted me, and appreciated what I've done for them. All of it meant a lot to me."

"You told me all about your first crush, just for it to be a message about the power of friendship?"

I chuckled. "Interpret it however you want to."

“So was it, like, a serious crush?“

“Honestly, I think I liked her a lot.”

“It sounds like you did.”

“But in the end I didn’t know her that well. We never chat regularly or talked about personal things like this.”

"I see."

"Sachi and I are on good terms, though. I texted her in November 2015 to thank her for everything and tell her I no longer liked her in that way. Sometimes, Sachi texts me to thank me for the paper roses again, too. And whenever Eugene's back to visit, we hang out together with Sachi and Wing like old times. "

Kenzie took a moment to digest everything. “Honestly, that’s such a cute first love story."

"I'm not sure if I'd call it first love, but I think my first crush really did make me who I am."

"Were you ever upset that she didn't like you back?“

“Sometimes, of course I was. But I never asked her out exactly because I knew she probably wouldn’t want to go out with me, and I was afraid that she’d feel guilty."

"...Right."

The call went silent for about a minute.

I passed the mic to Kenzie. "So that's the best story I have for you. Your turn!”

“My stories aren't as interesting!”

“Come on, tell me something, tell me a story!”

“I’m more of a listener.”

Having someone willing to listen to me felt really good, so I wanted to do the same.

“I think everyone has a nice story to tell. There’s no one who’s really uninteresting – it’s just a matter of how interesting you think you are. I wanna listen to a story from you.”

And so, Kenzie told me about the time she donated blood and fainted on a train in January 2016. I actually found her story entertaining, despite her indication that it would be uninteresting to hear about.

Throughout the remainder of Easter break, Kenzie and I continued to have all sorts of meaningful conversations, and meaningless conversations that were just as meaningful. We talked about things like studio Ghibli movies, our friendships, and why cats piss on blankets.

Once Easter break ended, we started seeing each other a lot more, despite her upcoming exams.