A Stroll

Kayle left to do her work. Although she didn’t clarify if it was housework or company work, I assumed it was the latter since she wouldn’t back down mid-hangout to do her housework. I transferred my thoughts and prayer to her as she stepped out of the view and glanced at Rachel, wondering if she would turn down the walk now that we were alone.

She was looking in Kayle’s direction, but turned to me as if she noticed my stare.

“So, shall we get going?” Rachel asked as she reached her hand forward.

I nodded, glad that she didn’t call it over and took her hand.

“Is there anywhere you want to visit?”

“I don’t know... any recommendation?”

“Hyde Park is close by, so might as well go there.”

We then headed to Hyde Park. The walk there was uneventful, but getting to see how vibrant the city could be was interesting. Usually, it would be a bore to see such a crowd, but for some reason, it was enjoyable to see. Probably because I was here on vacation.

It didn’t take long for us to reach Hyde Park from where we were. The park’s ground was a carpet of yellow and orange leaves that rained from the oaks and chestnut trees. Every two or three steps we took made a crunchy sound, produced by the dried leaves scattered all over the path we were walking on.

It was a nice place for a peaceful walk, but I wasn’t here for that. I was here to get to know Rachel better, but aside from admiring the scenery around us, we didn’t speak to one another, not even a single word. As expected, without Kayle around, I wasn’t able to talk to Rachel as much.

Even back then, I couldn’t keep up with Rachel and Kayle’s conversation. It was rare for me to find anything to add to what they were talking about since I had nothing interesting to say.

“I saw Kayle whisper to you a lot back then. What were you guys talking about?” Rachel asked suddenly.

“Oh, she’s... She’s telling me to do this or say that. I don’t know why she did that.”

“Ah—I see...”

And so another topic died down. The air of awkwardness was brewing between us, and I had no idea what to do. Was it really a good idea for me to ask her out without knowing what to talk about? I felt bad that I was wasting her time since it was more valuable than mine.

“Sorry that I make things awkward. I’m... not good at talking like Kayle does, so...”

“You’re not wasting my time, Lena.”

Yet another lie. I’m sure she didn’t want me to feel bad, but bandaging my shortcomings with a lie didn’t alleviate my anxiety at all.

“You seemed to enjoy talking with Kayle back then, but I’m here just... existing...”

“Why do you feel like you have to talk?”

“Because... I want to get along with you.”

The topic went dead once again. It was because I brought down the mood with my negative thoughts. Now, even Rachel didn’t know how to respond.

“You know,” she suddenly spoke up. “Watching you talking with Kayle kinda made me jealous.”

I looked at her with widened eyes, unsure if what I heard was incorrect.

“You guys were looking up what cupcakes and tarts you ate were called. It was nothing interesting, but the joy on your face made me realize how close you guys are.”

She’d said before that she wasn’t close to her friend. But I never got the context. I wanted to ask, but I’m afraid that it was a rude question to ask of her.

“Back then, I'd forced myself to learn things like their favorite song or what they like to do because I wanted to get along with them, but they never did the same for me.”

Rachel, as if sensing my thought, explained.

“They would also keep me around to use the fact that they know me to gain all sorts of favor, and they would talk behind my back when I wasn’t around. I don’t know why I stayed with them that long. Maybe it’s because I was lonely.”

She kicked the leaves off the ground as she walked with a calm face, but it felt like she was venting her frustration.

“That’s why I want the two of us to get along. Because I know you wouldn’t do that to me. Because I don’t want to be the only one who puts effort into getting along with another.”

She stopped and turned to me.

“That’s why I don’t want you to feel pressured that you have to entertain me. If you don’t want to talk, just don’t. If you want to do something with me, just tell me so.”

Rachel wanted effort, and I was putting in effort. Telling me to talk only when I wanted to contradicted what she and I wanted. If I stayed silent, then how would we grow closer to one another?

“But if I don’t talk then... you might think that I’m boring and... you might leave me because of that...”

“I don’t think you’re boring at all. You talked with Kayle so much, so obviously you have something to say.”

“Well, that’s because I know what she likes so–”

“But you don’t know me that well, so you wouldn’t know what to talk to me about.”

She was right. I wanted to complain and make excuses, but she was totally right.

“It takes time to get to know a person, but as long as we put effort into getting closer, we’ll get there eventually. That’s why I don’t want you to rush things.”

Rachel patted what I assumed to be a dried leaf off my head and moved her hand to the side of my head.

“Just be yourself and savor the fact that we’re here together is enough. Trust me.”

If she said that it was okay for me to do so, then I should comply.

I reached for her hand and pressed it firmly against my cheek, tilting my head slightly to feel the warmth of her hand. Her brows raised for a moment before her lips curled into a light smile as she moved her fingers to feel my cheek. Her palm felt tingling against my skin, which caused a spark that lit a warm fire in my chest, spreading to my abdomen.

After a moment, I felt a tug from her hand. I relaxed my grip, and she pulled her hand away and resumed walking.

“By the way, I’ve got something to tell you,” Rachel suddenly spoke up.

“I’m gonna be staying in Italy for a few months.”

I stopped mid-step and turned to her.

“Why?” I asked, even though I knew why she had to go.

“I have to go to a shoot. It should take around three to four months, so not that long.”

As I’d expected... I knew that actors had to travel for a shoot, but I didn’t expect Rachel to do that– No, I was ignoring that possibility on purpose. Learning that she lived close by had made me grow complacent, thinking that I could see her after a call and a brief journey, but that wasn’t true at all.

It might sound dramatic since it’s not like we couldn’t communicate or anything; we still had our phones, so we could talk to each other. But knowing that she was going far away made the distance that I was trying to close feel farther than before.

“I wanted to tell you that later, but now that we’re alone, I feel like now is the good time.”

“What are you filming?”

“I can’t say right now, but I think it’ll be something impressive.”

I couldn’t even get to know the reason she had to go away.

“...Truth is. I didn't really want to go in the first place.”

“So why...” I mumbled so low that she probably couldn't hear it.

“But because I know you’re watching me, that’s why I want to appear in a good movie for you to watch, rather than enduring a boring one for my sake.”

So she was doing it for me. She knew that I was a fan of hers, so she decided to take a big step in her career. As a fan of hers, I had to agree that it was a good move; however, as her friend, I didn’t want her to go.

It would be selfish of me to hold her back, that much I knew. There was no but or however to support my desire to stop her from going away; it was purely my selfish desire. From her words, I’m sure that she’d already signed a contract, so even if I begged her to stay, she wouldn’t be able to.

“I see...”

That’s why there was only one thing I could do...

“Do your best, Rachel. I know you can do it.”

It was to cheer her on, as I’ve always done.

“Thanks!” She said with a bright smile, but it soon dimmed as she stared at me. What kind of face was I making that dropped her smile like that?

“...I’ll be lonely without you.”

Rachel took a step closer.

“We can talk to each other through phones, but...”

She then wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling me even closer.

“I’ll miss being able to feel you like this.”

My breath hitched for a moment as Rachel enveloped my body. The smell of her woody and cinnamon-like perfume was light and relaxing, not too overpowering even when I was up close. I reminded myself to be careful not to touch any weird area as I caressed her back, as she did mine.

A moment had passed, and she let me go. But I wasn't ready to let go yet, so as she pulled away, I clung onto the hem of her jumper with one hand.

“When will you be going?” I asked.

“Around next week or so,” she answered.

I pulled her in for another hug; it’s only fair since she hugged me out of nowhere before. Rachel didn’t mind that at all, and she caressed my hair gently as I rested my head on her shoulder. Feeling her fingers combing through my hair soothed the anxious feeling inside my head.

I was scared that she might go so far that I would never get to see her again, just like back then. But now, whenever I felt anxious, I would reminisce about this moment and how close we were. And knew that everything would be alright.