Weakness

As the spring tour rolled along, the small moments became more precious, as the wear of the schedule took its toll on the unsuspecting members of Ozean Horizon. Four weeks into the six week tour, the exhaustion had settled in for all of them. There were tradeoffs to doing this independently and as a commercial act.

The band had conditioned themselves to live on the road with minimal luxuries but more downtime between their shows, and more intimate moments before and after shows with their fans and their opening acts. Now, they had luxuries like a comfortable bus, three scheduled meals a day, and a clean bed every night, but at the cost of their freedom. Every moment not on stage was filled with heavily scheduled PR events in the markets they were playing, as well in adjacent markets for their summer tour. When they weren’t engaging with local or national media support, members of the A&R team were coaching them through creating engaging social media content. Before and After shows, they were meeting with fans and executives for meet and greets and signing sessions.

The excruciatingly long days had taken some of the life out of their performances. At first my presence on stage was a gimmicky pop for the crowd, but now it was a lifeline for the band to fade into the night.

Every night in the green room, it was difficult keeping Kiia and Nate awake long enough to make it to the bus.

After their show in Dallas, I got an unfortunate phone call for Borgen about their summer tour.

“So, Cy, I’m going to make this quick, the summer tour is going off the rails a bit,” his voice was stern and concerned. “Axcess and A Warm Place were supposed to be the co-headliner and the opener for the quasi-stadium tour this summer…They’ve both dropped off the tour citing issues with the compensation agreement.”

His tone was mocking the last bit.

“We both know that the real reason is that they’re both frustrated by their perception of favoritism you have for Ozean Horizon. Unfortunately, since this is your band, and a problem of your creation, I trust you to find me at least a co-headliner that will live up to the ticket holders’ expectations.”

I couldn’t breathe. The sudden cessation in my breathing drew Kiia from the dinner table to me.

I felt the warmth of her hands on my body, bringing my temperature back from that of a corpse.

“Thanks for the head’s up. I…have a plan, but I want to make a couple of phone calls to see if I can create something better.”

“I’ll take your word for it, I trust you’ll turn this into something beyond my wildest dreams,” he laughed as he hung up the phone.

“What was that about?” she asked, holding me so I wouldn’t collapse. “Borgen was letting me know I have to replace the support acts on the summer tour.”

I swallowed hard.

“So, they both dropped off because we’re dating? Figures. I don’t know why the label was insistent on that bill anyway,” she hissed, unbothered.

“I’ve got to make a couple of phone calls in the morning to try to figure this out…I have a plan that I know won’t fail, but I’m letting myself have hope for something bigger.”

I was shaking. I felt like I’d recovered from the shock, and was now terrified of the wheels turning in my head. I sent two quick texts to two important friends to try to call them in the morning.

“Cy, why don’t we head to our room and lay down. We’ve got all of our Texas promo tomorrow for our stadium show in August. We both need sleep.”

“Alright,” I said, letting her whisk me away up the elevator to our room.

***

This felt different. As soon as the door closed behind us, her hands were exploring all of me. The way she kissed me was different this time, it was more primitive, as if she’d committed to something deeper taking place tonight.

I followed her cues, letting her control the flow. Things escalated until we were in our underwear on the bed together for the first time. Her hunger escalated, with the ferocity and depth of her kissing becoming ravenous. This felt better than anything I’d had in the past, but I wasn’t in the headspace to enjoy it properly.

She could tell.

After another five minutes of our tongues exploring, she rolled off me, laying on her side to face me.

“Cy, are you okay?”

Her eyes were fixated on mine.

“Yeah, I’ll be alright. I’m just wrestling with a lot in my mind right now…this feels extraordinary. I love this and I love you.”

I wanted to make sure that lingered in her head for a second.

“I’m just not ready to take this step with you right now. I want to. I want you more than anything in the world, but I need to figure out what’s next before I can satisfy you.”

I didn’t want her to cry; to feel rejected.

“Okay,” she said, placing her head on my chest. “I’m happy you said something. I’d never seen you look so awful before, and I just thought that this would cheer you up…Now I know.”

I pulled her close to me, running my hand through her hair for comfort. I could feel the moisture on my face from crying. I hated for her to see me like this.

“I’m assuming you don’t want to talk about your master plan?” she asked playfully, sliding her hand down lower.

“No,” I said, reacting to her touch. “I just don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, including my own, by speaking it into existence. Either way I have a solution, and I’m going to have to face my weakness…that’s the hard part.”

There was silence between us as Kiia continued her efforts to help me relax.

After a little bit, she lifted herself from my chest to finish what she started before regaining her line of thought.

“Well, I’m a little too burned out to be insightful right now, but as long as we have each other, whatever it is will work out,” she said, smiling as she buried her face in my chest.