Aika - Gone Girl

I waited for Caleb patiently.

At first, the news was repeated everywhere. Loud and cruel in the way only strangers can be when they believe they are entitled to someone else’s life. Caleb’s face filled my screen whether I wanted it to or not.

Three days became five. Then ten. Then the headlines shifted. Moved on to something newer or uglier.

Two weeks passed.

I realized something that made my chest ache in a strange way. I hadn’t seen him in three.

Three weeks since the chapel. Three weeks since his voice. Three weeks since that look in his eyes that told me I mattered. Three weeks since I had kissed him, well, through his handkerchief. 

The first man that I had kissed voluntarily. I may have been through decades worth of humiliation in a month, but before that, I never had any male interaction. I was an idol and I took my purity and honesty to the fans quite seriously.

It had been almost a year since I met Caleb and he had become an important friend to me, other than the unlabelled thing between us. I told myself I was fine. I told myself this was what he asked for. I told myself a lot of things. But every night, before I slept, I checked the news one last time. They said he had chosen fasting. They said he had “voluntarily stepped back”.  They said it was a period of reflection. They said it like it was noble.

But the photos betrayed the truth. His smile was gone.

Every image of him now showed the same thing. His brows drawn together. His jaw tight. His eyes distant. When reporters tried to get close, he turned away. When they called his name, he didn’t answer.

Some called it humility. Some called it arrogance. I call it pain.

That wasn’t the man who laughed quietly at children’s jokes. That wasn’t the man who prayed like listening mattered. That wasn’t the man who held my hand like it was something he should treasure.

I knew him better than that. All of this meant one thing, he was hurting. And it was because of me.

So I made the choice he asked me to make. I stayed away. For the greater good. For my safety. For his path. For his calling. But staying away forever? That was something else entirely.

I went back to Izu on a quiet afternoon, when the trains were half-empty and no one looked twice at anyone else. I kept my head down. Hat low. Mask on.

The village looked the same. It was like no paparazzi and crazed Caleb fans not Aika-the-idol haters ever flooded the village.

Miho-san almost cried when she saw me.

‘You disappeared,’ she scolded, holding my hands tightly. ‘I thought you’d been swept away by the city again.’

‘Something like that,’ I said softly.

I told her I was leaving for good this time. Not to run away. Just, to finally move on this time around. I told her about my parents. About Papa’s recovery. About needing space. I didn’t tell her about Caleb. She didn’t ask. She nodded like she understood anyway.

We walked around the café together, feeding the cats one last time. Bingo followed me like he always did, indignant and loud, weaving around my ankles as if he knew something was wrong.

‘You’re taking him,’ Miho-san said firmly. ‘That one chose you.’

I smiled, even though my heart hurt. She sheltered me when I was broken. 

‘I am forever grateful.’ I said as I hugged her goodbye.

Back in my tiny apartment, I packed what little things I had. Books. Clothes. A few keepsakes I hadn’t thrown away yet. Bingo curled into one of my bags like a deliberate protest.

‘Don’t worry. I won’t leave you alone this time.’ I said as I patted his big head. ‘I am taking you with me to my parent’s house, Bingo. You won’t be a stray anymore.’

As I folded my last sweater, my phone buzzed again. Another article. Another photo. Caleb, stepping into a car, head bowed. Someone shouting a question. Someone else grabbing his sleeve. 

He looked very exhausted. That’s my fault…

I sat on the floor, back against the wall, and pressed my knuckles to my mouth.

‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered. ‘I really am.’

I thought of his message. ”Please don’t come back to Izu yet.”

I had disobeyed that. But… I wouldn’t disobey forever, Caleb. You don’t have to worry anymore.

I just needed to leave quietly. Give him space. Let the dust settle. Start anew somewhere else. Maybe reach out to him when the time is right. Anything that would make his sad face go away.

I played some of the songs Caleb and I made on the speaker as I finished cleaning. I closed the last zipper with the determination to close this part of my life as well.

Let’s go Aika… You can do this… Don’t drag people down with you…

 A hand clamped hard over my mouth. The world tilted. Another arm wrapped around my waist, yanking me backward so fast my breath left me in a sharp gasp that never made a sound. My heart exploded into panic.

Bingo hissed. I tried to scream. Tried to kick. Tried to twist. Whoever it was was strong. The music was too loud that I didn’t hear them coming in. Nor what else they said.

A low urgent voice murmured near my ear. ‘Aika, don’t fight.’

My cries were muffled by the stranger’s strong grip. The smell hit me next. Soap, shampoo, something familiar. Or maybe that was just my fear trying to make sense of it.

I clawed at the arm around me as I was dragged toward the door. My mind raced.

Was it a fan? A reporter? Someone who recognized me?

The door opened. The hallway light spilled in. The door slammed shut behind us. I didn’t know who was pulling me away.