Take Two, Pt. 2

Everything in my body stopped working. Each breath was so shallow that I might've as well ceased to breathe altogether. I barely managed a shoulder twitch, but other than that, nothing. Not even a blink.

Megumi... was here. She was actually here, yet I couldn't move a single muscle. Couldn't speak either, and even if I did, what would I even say?

I thought I could do this. See her, talk to her, and apologize. But now that she's standing in front of me, my mind has gone completely blank.

"Shohei," she muttered.

"A-ah... Yeah, I... I mean... H-hey, Megumi—"

"Hold on. Before anything else, this... Why are you still out here this late? Didn't you say in your text that you wanted to meet at six?"

"Huh? Well... Yeah, I did."

"Then what are you still doing out here? I didn't show up. Not an hour later. Not two hours later. A full six hours later. You should've taken that as a sign, and yet, here you are. Sitting outside in the rain, past midnight, like some depressed main character. Are you insane?"

"...Honestly? You could probably say that."

She scowled at me, but I couldn't bring myself to look back at her. I didn't know why. Not then, and certainly not when she snatched my wrist.

"W-wha... Megumi?"

"Come with me. First things first, we need to find a dry spot for you to warm up."

I didn't respond. Couldn't. Under her umbrella, with my wrist wrapped by her soft hand, we walked till we reached a small pavilion. While Megumi rinsed her umbrella off, I took a seat on one of the benches, watching her.

This... the normalcy of it all... felt so similar to what it was like when Megumi was living under my roof. Her tone was somewhat the same, but her expression... It seemed like she was annoyed at me, and rightfully so.

I wonder what she's thinking right now.

When she was done rinsing her umbrella, she walked over to me, taking off her puffy jacket to reveal a knitted turtleneck underneath.

"Here," she said, handing it over to me. "Wear this before you catch a cold."

"Ah... No, it's... It's okay. I'm gonna get it wet."

"Between that and you coming down with something, I'd rather avoid the latter. Otherwise, I'm gonna feel responsible, so hurry up. My hand is getting tired."

Reluctantly, and with much deliberation, I took the jacket and wore it. Megumi always preferred oversized clothes, so it wasn't a surprise when the jacket fitted me perfectly.

Then, she sat down. For a while, we stayed like that. No words, yet the pressure mounting on me was unimaginable.

At last, I choked back the last of my nerves.

"M-Megumi, I..."

She turned away from the rain, her eyes flat and tired, before locking them onto me. That alone was enough to petrify me again, but this time...

This time, I had to speak up.

"I saw your interview," I said. "That PR event thing."

"I know you did."

"Huh? You... did?"

"Of course. Otherwise, for what other reason would you have called me out here?"

"Ah... R-right. Well..."—I let out a frustrated chuckle—"Honestly, I... I know you must not wanna see me right now. I don't blame you. I wouldn't either. But I... I just wanted to say..."

I choked, but I fought through.

"I'm sorry, Megumi. I'm so... so sorry. Back then, I wasn't thinking about how you felt. I only thought about what could've happened to you — the consequences that awaited you because of me — and that drove my decision in its entirety. I figured... Maybe if I let you go, then... then you could've avoided them. You could've continued your career and future. But every single night since then... I thought about it. I thought about what I could've done differently, or what I could've said... and especially... what you would've done if I didn't choose for you."

She didn't say anything. She simply listened without even the faintest reaction. So, I continued.

"I realized too late that I made that decision on my own. I just... I didn't know what else to do. I thought I was protecting you, but in reality... I was the one stripping you of your happiness. I was the one who didn't give you a choice when it mattered the most. And... and I'm just... so sorry."

I buried my face in my hands, waiting for her to say something — anything — but she was as silent as the night would've been if it weren't for the rain.

"Megumi... I won't ask you to understand, because that'd be selfish and inconsiderate of me. I won't ask you to forgive me, because I wouldn't even forgive myself. And especially... I won't ask you to come back, because I'm sure that's the last thing you wanna do. If there's anything I want... It's for you to tell me the truth. That I... hurt you."

"...Would that make you feel better?"

Slowly, I twisted my head to look at her from the corner of my eye, but I quickly regretted it. The look on her face... was enough to shatter my heart on the spot.

"I asked you a question, Shohei. Since I even bothered listening to you at all, I'm expecting you to answer me. Would my affirming that you did, in fact, hurt me... make you feel any less guilty?"

"Wha... N-not at all. It's just... If you do, then... I'll just know. That's all."

"And then what? Will you go home crying, disheveled, and even more miserable than you are now?"

"T-that's..."

"Hah... Even after three whole months, you haven't changed. Always thinking about what could be best for me, but never what I want. That's how it always goes. With them... and with you. That's fine, though. I got used to it. I got used to other people deciding for me, because I'm just a mannequin, right? A doll, a toy, someone to play dress-up with, and discard whenever she's no longer needed.

"No... No, no, Megumi... That's not—"

"Not what? Not true? Not what you were trying to say? Let me ask you something else, Shohei... Do you really think that I want to tear you apart? You think you're some martyr, asking me to hurt you even more? As if..."

Her breaths grew heavy, so loud that I could hear them. Then, her frustration exploded.

"As if you're doing me some kind of favor?!"

"I... I just—"

"Just what, Shohei?! Because if you really think that I would find pleasure in kicking you when you're already down, then what does that say about me?! Do you..."—her voice cracked—"D-do you honestly think that'll make me or you feel any better? After everything we've been through?"

My mind fell deeper into despair.

Truthfully, I did want her to spite me. I wanted her to let out her frustration because I wanted to suffer just as much as she did. A self-inflicted judgement. But instead, she relented. Of course, she didn't want that. I just thought she did, and now, I'm beating myself up... because I did it again.

I took her choice away.

"And you know... what the worst part is?" Megumi mumbled. "It's that you think you know the real reason why I'm hurt, but really... You have no idea at all."