Take Two, Pt. 3

Here she was, Megumi no Hana, sitting in front of me. Her voice, pained and enraged, hurt me in ways that no one could ever hope to achieve. And what was more... She was crying.

Again.

Because of me...

"Why do you think I said all of those things to a room full of reporters and journalists, while my fans and haters alike were watching live? Why do you think I told my manager off and risked everything? You were watching, weren't you?"

Weakly, I nodded my head.

"Then you were probably thinking something like... Why did she say that? What is she thinking? Doesn't she know what will happen? And the answer is simple. Yes, I did know what would happen. I'm not dumb, Shohei. I've been in this industry since I was in high school. I know what it'll mean to come out with something like that. I knew back then, too, but I chose to ignore it."

"...Why?"

"Hah... Asking such a stupid question. That's so like you."

She sat up straight, glancing away.

"I really did enjoy that side of life a lot. Didn't want it to end, even if it cost me everything — because I knew at the end of the day, I'd enjoy it so much more than what I had before. With you... Just us. But you never stopped to think that I might've preferred that over this. You never stopped to think that just maybe... I preferred you."

My heart felt like it was being torn in half. Even I'm not ignorant enough to misunderstand what that really meant.

"M-Megumi—"

"But instead..." she muttered, cutting me off. "You became the very thing I hated the most about being a celebrity. I couldn't decide for myself. I couldn't go with what I wanted. Why? Because someone else decided what would be best for me. You saw it yourself, didn't you? My manager tore into me because I cut my hair and dyed it black. What if I like this new look? Nope. That's irrelevant. It's what he wants, or what the director wants, or what my fans want. Not me. I don't matter. Not to them... Not even to you."

"W-what? Megumi, that's not true at all!"

"Then why did you make me leave, Shohei?!"

Her voice echoed into the night, but no one was around to acknowledge it except for me.

"Why...? Just when I was starting to get used to that mundane life... Just when I was starting to have some fun for once... Just when I thought I finally found a place to belong, where someone actually wanted me around, w-why... did you make me leave?"

I couldn't answer. My mouth was open, but nothing came out.

"I thought you were starting to like having me around. I thought you'd grown on me just as I'd grown on you. And yet... You gave up so easily. You didn't even bother trying, not even something as simple as asking me what I thought. You just... decided on your own that it would've been better for me to leave. You had my best interest in mind, but I don't care about what's best for me! I just wanna be my own person... someone who feels like she deserves to be happy. And for a moment, I was happy... with you. That's why it hurt so much, Shohei. Because you, despite your intentions... took that from me. You, of all people... let me go."

With that, Megumi lifted her legs, placing her feet on the bench and curling up. She buried her face in her knees, wrapping her arms around them while I... just sat there in complete silence.

Eventually, the storm came to a respite. It was still drizzling, just not as much as before. Here we were, two broken people sitting in the middle of the night.

For months, I thought about what I would say to Megumi if I ever got the chance to see her again. I replayed the scenarios in my head hundreds upon hundreds of times.

Obviously, I'd apologize. That was a given. But everything else? That was the hard part that I have yet to fully grasp.

Still, I was somewhat confident. I thought I could face her.

I thought wrong.

With a deep breath, I extended a hand across the bench.

"Megumi."

She poked her head out. Upon seeing my hand, she froze. Didn't move any more than that. Just stared at it for a while.

I kept my hand there, waiting to see if she'd take it. And if she doesn't... then that is her choice.

Now more than ever, I finally understand. There is no making this better. There is no going back to the way we were. What's done is done, and regardless of what happens now... I won't be the one to make that decision.

Not for this.

Not for anything.

Not anymore.

Then, Megumi slowly extended a hand. Not immediately, but slowly. Just a tiny bit at a time... till it rested on top of mine.

It was cold yet warm, soft and gentle — all at the same time. It filled me with relief in a way that words could never describe.

"Megumi. I... I want to say one last thing. B-but that's... only if you'd be willing to listen."

She didn't reply right away. With an exhausted and wary voice, she replied, "...What is it?"

"Honestly... I don't know what you really want. Never did, and that's exactly where I messed up. Without even knowing that much, or even asking, I did something unforgivable. I finally get that, and I hate that it took losing you for me to realize it. Yes, I did let you go, and I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for that... and how much I regretted it. I spoke for you, and I decided for you, and I... I just..."—I drew a long, shaky breath—"I want you to know that I won't assume for you anymore... but that's only if you still want me in your life. And if you don't... If you want to walk away tonight... I won't bother you anymore. I won't ask you to come back. Whatever you decide... I'll understand. I'll... accept it."

Three months ago, I lost something irreplaceable. I lost her smiles that could soften even my worst days, her laughter that lingered long after it faded, and the quiet comfort of simply having her there.

I lost her. 

And maybe I'll never get any of it back. Maybe this regret will follow me for the rest of my life, a constant reminder of my biggest mistake.

If that is what awaits me, then so be it. I won't pretend the fault lies anywhere else. I made the choice, so I'll live with its consequences. In the end, I—

Suddenly, Megumi stood, but she didn't let go of my hand. Without turning around to face me, she spoke.

"It's late, and I'm tired. Let me crash at your place. Just for tonight."

My mind went blank. For a second, I just sat there, staring at her like she was an alien. It must've been a long second, because she lost patience and pulled me up herself.

I yelped but quickly stopped myself when she finally turned to look at me. It wasn't filled with rage like before. While a hint of sadness and fatigue was still there, I could almost sense something more... delicate.

"Well?"

"A-ah... Right... Yeah, sure. Um... I guess I'll... lead the way?"

She raised an eyebrow, clearly unamused. And so, without another word, we walked through the park. By now, the rain had completely subsided, replaced by a freezing night where droplets dripped from the tree leaves above.

It was peaceful, almost serene, and the entire time... our hands were still together.