Blinking Lights and Tears [ Log 2 ]

Elsa

The low hum of machinery filled the air, but despite my inner wishes, it didn’t drown out my thoughts. Compared to Minerva, Sol was in perfect working order and didn’t really need any maintenance. But old habits, coupled with the need for solitude, had brought me to the engine room in the middle of my shift.

Had last night been a mistake? I wasn’t sure. It had cleared something, but it was far away from mending what had once broken, more like a patch welded with a laser torch on a corroded pipe. It held for now, but it also hid the rust and corrosion that lay beneath. I only hoped it would hold until we reached our destination, but even if we did, what then? Could the damage be mended? I didn’t have any other choice but to keep fixing it whenever cracks appeared, just like I had done with Minerva.

But Minerva was a machine, a ship and a home, while Karla… I sighed and checked the readings on the engine console. They were all green, nothing to worry about. I wished I’d find an issue that would fill my time with work, but for the first time in as long as I could remember, I had nothing to do during our voyage.

The bulkhead door opened with a hiss, and Sol walked in. Of course she did, she must have noticed my absence on the bridge, an anomaly she couldn’t explain.

“What is the status?”, she asked.

I didn’t know what I preferred, being called on the intercom or having her company. Both and none. Yet it meant something to me that she came to check on me. I paused. That’s why she had come… She could have checked the engine performance from any place on the ship in an instant, but she asked anyway.

“All green,” I said, leaning over the console, partially happy she had asked about the engine rather than how I felt.

At least I could give her an honest answer that made sense for both of us, since I wasn’t even sure myself what I felt.

“Elsa…”

My name faded into the background hum of the engine.

“Sol…”

The room reverberated with her name. What else should I do but acknowledge the real reason she came here? I wish I knew.

We welcomed the silence that filled the room, accepting it as a part of our relationship. It was better than forced politeness, which was the only other choice we had, and I was happy we didn’t go down that road. Only with Karla could I spend hours talking about things that didn’t really matter and find comfort in her voice. But now that was in the past, gone when she left, and she never brought it with her when she returned.

“I can find you something to do.”

I smiled at her offer. Did she really read me so well, and if she did, did she see the reason why her suggestion would be valid? I shivered. How much could she really see…or feel?

I shook my head.

“I am fine…”

She hesitated, not sure what she should do.

“You can stay…”, I said.

Was this just a suggestion or a plea for a company? I wasn’t sure. Maybe both, as both of us still tried to play safe. I watched her lean against the wall, listening to the background hum as her eyes scanned the instruments behind me.

“You don’t mind silence…”, I commented.

It wasn’t a question but rather an observation.

“I got used to it, Captain…”

The moment she addressed me by my title, I knew I shouldn’t have said it. How could I forget? Silence was the only thing she had known through all those long years.

“I am sorry… I shouldn’t…”

It was better to let the memories fade than try to bring them back and linger on something that was already gone.

“It’s fine...”, she said.

I sighed at her words, but what else could she say? Yet part of me wished to fill the silence that had shrouded her for so long.

“How was Laya? Did she give you any trouble?”

“She fell asleep when I put her to bed.”

Her bright smile filled the room, answering my question better than her words. I’d never left Laya with someone before, not like this anyway. Even with Karla back then, it hadn’t been longer than a few hours now and then.

“She really likes you,” I said to patch up another leak that the thoughts of Li brought to the surface, but Sol didn’t notice the reason behind my words and just smiled at me.

I looked at her, her face illuminated by the blinking lights of the instruments. She seemed at peace again, and seeing her like that dispelled the tension I felt in my chest without even realising it.

Somehow, she had won her place with us long before I even started worrying this could be a possibility. Was it because she was an automaton? It was a safe, comforting thought, like a starport you had visited for years, but part of me felt that the truth was more complex than such a simple explanation.

“Actually… You could find us something to do”, I said.

She thought for a few moments.

“I can show you how hyperdrive works, it is quite different from what you know.”

“How do you know that?”

“Laya struggled with it in the beginning, and she has learnt everything from you.”

“Have you taught her?”

I sighed, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by the background noise that filled the room.

“I promised her I would.”

She looked at me carefully as I looked down.

“Something wrong, Elsa?”

Laya… Why did you want to learn that? You didn’t need to… I owed Sol my answer. She didn’t deserve my silence, and it wasn't her fault that I’d failed for so long. It just wasn’t fair. Li deserved better than this…

“Does…does she like it?”, I asked quietly, pretending to study the power output on the display

“She does,” she said hesitantly, and I could feel her watching me carefully. “We have a lot of fun doing it…”

“We?”

I looked at her, hoping that the smile I forced would disperse her guilt. She hadn’t done anything wrong. It didn’t work.

“Elsa?”

My name echoed in the room as she walked over to me and put her hand on my shoulder. I owed her an answer, I knew that, but part of me knew that saying it out loud would mean admitting my failure.

“I…I wish that one day she wouldn’t need to worry about how to fix something only so we could make another cargo haul that anyway would barely cover our expenses…”

I looked down.

“She deserves better than this…”

I’d kept those thoughts to myself all these years, hoping that the next voyage would fulfil my wish. It hadn’t, and part of me always knew how futile it was, yet I didn’t have anything else to hold on to.

Tears, tinted by the flickering lights of the instruments, fell on my suit, mixing with the ambient hum of the machinery and Sol’s hand on my shoulder.

“She had you all this time. She wasn’t alone…”

Alone… I looked at her, her eyes full of the void she had drifted through for so long, and I put my arms around her and held her tight, feeling her arms on my back. I don’t know which one of us needed it more. Probably both, as none of us wanted to let the other one go.