Old books and Regrets [ Log 2 ]

Sol

She tried to apologise when she finally pulled back, but my soft “thank you, Elsa” put her at ease. I still couldn’t understand what had happened. Was this what Captain Leav and my crew had wished for me while I was focused on my duties? I had ignored that aspect of our relationship, considering it an unprofessional distraction that took me away from my tasks.

It was too late to find out now, since all of them had turned into stardust long ago, but was it fair to let Elsa, Laya, and Karla take their place…? I didn’t know.

We stayed in silence, none of us sure what we should do now, but this silence felt different from earlier, even if I couldn’t understand why.

“I should go back…” she said quietly.

She lit a cigarette, letting the smoke swirl in the air before the aircon picked it up and carried it into the ventilation pipes. I nodded, not knowing what else I could say, and I watched her leave. Once she had disappeared behind the door, I followed the tracker built into her suit until she reached the bridge.

I closed my eyes and ran a full system diagnostics. I already had automations scanning the systems for any potential issues and enough power dedicated to the main scanners to pick up any external threat ahead of time, but with my attention divided to other tasks, their accuracy wasn’t optimal. Even though it was still within the allocated parameters, I felt I should do more. I needed to keep them safe from any harm.

I left the engine room and walked to the canteen. Karla… She was sitting on the sofa as I walked in. She knew nothing about starfaring, and her chances of surviving even a minor incident were minimal. She was flipping through a book she must have taken from the shelf. It must be one of those Age of Stars novels, so popular before the war broke out. Sherma had read them with passion, even going so far as to buy actual books whenever she was on leave. Which one was it? Last Frontier? Beyond the stars? Station 9? They all were the same, telling heroic tales from the time when the cosmos was still a safe place.

“Sol?”

She looked up, surprised, and she gave me a hesitant smile as she put her book down.

“What are you reading?”

I sat down by the small table next to the sofa, trying to keep enough distance not to make her feel like I invaded her space. My question put her at ease, maybe because it felt safe, maybe because she liked reading. She leaned back, and her smile became more genuine as she showed me the cover. She gave me a curious look.

“I didn’t know you liked poetry.”

I looked at the retro cover of Dreams Between the Stars with utter confusion. It must have belonged to Lt Hansen. I couldn’t imagine anyone else reading a book like that. She flipped through the pages and read out loud,

“Two years together passed like a shooting star

Such a short time to admire its beauty

But the memory will stay with me for the rest of my days.

Happy anniversary, Sol.”

“I didn’t know…”

She smiled and looked at me, but her smile faded when her eyes fell on my face.

“Sol...”

Her voice echoed in the canteen as I got up and took the book from her hands.

“It was supposed to be three weeks later. We never made it…”, I said quietly.

I sat down next to her, flipping through the pages. Such an odd gift to commemorate serving together. So much like him…

“What happened…?”

“Delta-47 or Battle of Cephei as you call it now… We didn’t make it…”

She sat quietly, probably regretting her question, even though I was grateful she had asked. No matter how painful those memories were, it was the only thing I had left. I looked at the wall covered in faded photos and old posters, trying to smile when my eyes fell on the old photo I was looking for. I knew it would still be there, still remembering Sherma hanging it on the wall in the same exact spot.

“It was our first…”

I pointed to the photo of my crew standing on the bridge, holding the Union Flag.

“We were on the patrol back then, but Foch wanted to make something bigger next time…”

Had all of them planned to gift me something for that occasion? Gifting them in turn never passed through my system, and even if it had, I would have discarded it as a waste of resources, but now… If only I knew how little time we had together. I deeply regretted not doing it when I still had a chance.

“I am sorry.”

She hesitantly put her hand on my shoulder, avoiding my gaze.

“It is okay, Karla. I want to remember even if those memories make me sad…”

She looked at me with a sigh.

“They meant a lot to you?”

“More than I thought…”

My regret mixed with the scent of her perfume as she leaned closer and put her arm around me.

“We all regret something, wishing we made different choices when we had a chance...”

She spoke into the cold void of space that filled the canteen as the memories of what could have been flooded my mind. I could feel her shiver next to me as the void started to resonate with the emptiness she felt inside.

“You still have time to change it”, I said.

“It is not that easy.”

“No, it is not, but you can still try.”

She looked at me, pushing against the void, and sighed.

“You told me that before.”

I nodded and took her hand in mine.

“Don’t wait until all your wishes turn into stardust.”

“You told me that too.”

She tried to chuckle, but her laugh faded into the void, and she looked down.

“Karla…”

I smiled and squeezed her hand, and she looked at me.

“Thank you…”

We sat in silence, and I wished I knew why she was so afraid of her past. The war was over, and her world was safe. Wasn’t that what we had been fighting for back then?