Chapter 18

Nina

Dear diary,

I have rested now, but I still don’t know what to tell Mel. I really need to respond, I don’t want to be impolite, but what should I tell her? I cannot make her graphics for her events. I’m not someone who can behave around people, and I’m sure they would be disappointed with me after the first visit when I only sit quietly.

Why don’t I have someone to confide in? But if I had, my life wouldn’t look like it does, and none of this would have been a problem. Oh, why can't I make a single decision right? Why did I put myself in this situation? I should never have texted her to begin with, and none of this would have happened.

I believe I would have enjoyed such a project in any other circumstances. Her art is beautiful, and I believe there would be a lot of graphics needed. But not now, not with this life. Shall I tell her I can only talk to her through email? No, that would be strange. I have to meet her in person if I say yes. What shall I do?

Should I simply go with her decision? She’s expecting me to say yes. Why else would she have asked? I do not trust my own choices, they have already led me wrong in the past, but if she’s already expecting me to agree… But then, what will I do when my mind goes blank, and I cannot find anything interesting to say? It’s not only about agreeing to help her, I still need to interact. Wait, someone messaged me….

It was Mel… She said that I didn’t need to if I didn’t want to. That would be it. I could simply reply 'okay', and she would no longer be part of my life. I could go back to how it used to be and… forget about everything… I could say no to the only interesting person I’ve met who still wants to stay in touch with me.

I replied. I told her I would do it. I believe I’ve made a mistake, but it cannot be undone now.