Alter; gold and crimson flowers

“Hey guys, this is Sakura. Sakura, this is Ivy, Djyn, Eris, and Pax. Sakura, as you know, Captain Vincent is in charge of us once again.”

Vincent, Derrick, and Sakura had previously worked together during the latter half of the Northern War. Though that war had ended about a decade ago, they had met up a few times afterwards, making this reunion less emotional than it otherwise could have been.

“H-Hello everyone. I’ll be in your care from now on.”

Something about her seems… off.

There were several odd things that Pax could immediately notice about this woman. Firstly, she was dressed up as a nun. All of her skin was covered up except for her face and hands. Pax had never seen a nun in this world until this point, and even in his original world, he had only seen nuns in movies. In this world, there were many churches and many more gods. Sakura belonged to the Church of Lumos, the god of light.

Secondly, she was way too nervous for someone who had supposedly gone to war before. Compared to Vincent and Derrick, who gave off a calm vibe of having control of the situation, Sakura was outright jumpy. Pax felt that she would fit in much better with normal civilians, which ironically made her stand out even more amongst the lunatics that made up this team.

There was another thing that was off about her, but Pax couldn’t really explain it. It had something to do with her… aura?

In any case, the rest of the group engaged in energetic conversation with the new member. Pax didn’t really pay attention though. He had no intention of getting close with any of these people.

But at some point, he overheard Djynn – who was the only other person that hadn’t said anything the entire time – finally speak:

“It seems that the dead gods have finally begun to stir in their slumber… not that gods can neither die nor stir."

Upon hearing this, Pax just assumed that Djyn was just talking nonsense as usual and went back to daydreaming. But then he remembered what Charlotte had once told him about the gods of this world.

She had said that gods were, by nature, contradictory and unknowable. They were both many and one, so wouldn’t it make sense for them to also be both alive and dead, awake and in deep slumber, or everywhere and nowhere at the same time?

Maybe that was giving too much credit to Djyn. How did Djyn even come to the conclusion that something was going on with the gods?

Pax scoffed and turned to leave the room.

“Where are you going Pax?”

Pax turned around to identify who had called out to him. It was a woman with a voluptuous figure dressed in dark green garments.

Ivy…

“I'm hungry, so I'm going to the kitchen. Plus, I have no reason to stay around with the rest of you.”

“Ill eat with you then, I think we should get to know each other better.”

…

Shit, why does everything remind me of the past these days?

- - - - - - -

And now for a short intermission, completely inside Pax’s messed up brain:

Ivy wasn’t the first girl to ask pose such a question to Pax. She wasn’t even the second.

“Pax, I think we should get to know each other better.”

“Is that so?”

To the girl who’s only mistake was loving the wrong boy…

“Adam, I think we should get to know each other better.”

“Don’t we already know a lot about each other?”

To the girl who died because of him…

Pax responded in a similar way to all of them: A light rejection.

Even in his first life, Pax had his regrets. He was hiding a lot back then and lied to protect himself.

In his second life–

Hey, shut the fuck up, why don’t you?

Pax didn’t like thinking about such things. He even lashed out at his own subconscious for just remembering the past.

I mean it, seriously, shut the fuck up.

Truly, Pax has not had a good track record with women.

So what? I don’t see you doing much better!

It was a shallow comment, one that didn’t even make much sense. Firstly, he was arguing with himself. Secondly, having no contact with women whatsoever for an entire lifetime would have been better than having Pax’s history with women.

I know, dammit…

And now Pax was now probably thinking about the time that he swore to himself not to think about what happened in the first cycle. After all, it is impossible to truly control one’s thoughts.

I hate you.

Actually, back then, he never said that he would never talk about it, just that he wouldn’t do it at that moment.

Okay, now you’re just lying. I never “said” anything, this has always been in my head.

Don’t avert your gaze Pax. How can you regret something if you refuse to even think about it?

Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP.

Does yelling at yourself inside of your head amount to anything?

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

I–

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

How will you escape this cycle if you don’t look beyond the surface of the mirror?

I CAN’T HEAR YOU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH

Well, suit yourself

- - - - - - -

“Youve been eating a lot lately”

“Yeah, I'm a growing boy.”

The conversation was a bit stiff as Pax and Ivy ate lunch.

Well, Ivy had already finished her meal. Pax was devouring his fourth plate of chicken like he was some cartoon character.

This was one of the side effects of the rapid aging magic that Pax had invented the other day. He was growing 10 times faster than a normal person, so he needed 10 times the food.

Luckily, Ivy decided not to press the issue and just accepted Pax's answer. At least, that was what Pax had thought. Honestly, it was hard to get a read on her. Even after talking to her a few times, Pax felt that he knew nothing about her and could never tell what she was thinking.

For example, at this moment, Ivy was resting her head on her hand and smiling at Pax. She tilted her head to the side and stared deeply at Pax with her crimson eyes.

It was… unsettling.

“You seem a bit different lately,” said Ivy eventually.

“How so?”

“Not sure. At first you seemed indifferent to the rest of us and just stayed away, but now you seem to actively avoid us even when we're in the same room... Of course, considering that we're talking right now, you don't seem to put too much effort into your avoidance.”

Is that so?

The difference between the two was so subtle that Pax hadn't even noticed himself. This made Pax worry about the trajectory of his relationship with these people.

“Hey guys, mind if I join you?”

Luckily, Sakura came in time to save Pax from Ivy.

“Sure”

Pax was honestly glad that she was here.

“Your name was Pax, right? It’s nice to… Hold on Pax, are you in pain?”

Before Pax could react, Sakura was putting her hands on his face.

“Huh? What?”

A bright glow came from Sakura’s palms and Pax was showered in golden sparks.

“My eyes!”

Another one of the side effects of the rapid aging magic was that Pax was always in pain. At first, it had started out as a general soreness, but over time the pain just kept getting worse. Pax still refused to use his pain nullification spell though.

When the golden sparks touched Pax’s skin, he felt this pain fade and wash itself away. In its absence, he felt nothing but a warm and fuzzy feeling.

No –wait! – this is bad. I’m supposed to take the pain and learn to deal with it, not get rid of it. She might have even messed up the rapid aging spell.

“Hmmm, it seems like there is still some kind of curse affecting you. I could dispel it but it would take some time.”

“No, don’t do that, I need that curse. What do you think you’re doing? Don’t do that shit again.”

“Huh, sorry? You were in pain and I helped you.”

“Yeah, I don’t remember asking you to do that! That’s like medical malpractice! You can’t just go around doing shit to people without consent! …Fuck you, I’m leaving!”

Pax picked up his plate and started walking out of the kitchen. The women just stared at him as he left.

Just as he was about to get to the exit, Captain Vincent burst in and loudly proclaimed:

“This is great guys! Now that everyone is here, we can finally start our real training!”

In the previous weeks, the rest of the crew had been doing drills with Vincent as a sort of training for the upcoming war. This was the only reason why Pax ever socialized with the others. It was never anything particularly intensive though, seeing as how they had spent most of their time flying in the air on the skywhale.

Somehow Pax had thought that he could go to war without having to specifically train for it. It was probably because Vincent had forgotten to mention it when telling Pax about the future plans.