Inherited Ambition

“Why did you start to act anyway?”

Takumi sits in yet another studio audience, surrounded by yet another set of fluorescent lights, cameras, everything. It was all happening as it had so many times before.

Takumi doesn’t register the question at first. He just sits there, in silence.

“What?” Takumi asks, not comprehending the question.

“Why did you start acting? I mean, if there’s a reason” The host continues.

Why?

Takumi puts his hand on his chin, thinking about it for a moment.

Why did I start acting? What a stupid question…

He tries to think back, but draws a blank.

His expression fades into a blank, expressionless one. Appearing to be in deep thought.

“Must be a good one!” The host jokes, the studio audience laughing brings Takumi back from his thoughts.

“I suppose I started acting because I wanted to make people smile,” Takumi says, with no weight behind his response.

The crowd swoons over his ‘good reason’, and Takumi looks around the room, taking in the ambient emotions.

Who are they seeing right now? Who are they reacting to? That answer, I said it, but why?

Takumi smiles warmly, giving a fake acceptance to their emotional reply.

What do those words mean to you, if they mean nothing to me?

The rest of the interview flies by, like every other interview.

Why did you start acting?

The host’s question resonates in his head, and he continues to rack his brain.

He gives up from frustration. This puzzle wasn’t ready to be solved. Not yet.

…

Entering his home, he notices another pair of black dress shoes at the door.

She did mention he’d be back soon…

Takumi opens the door to the loft, and at the diner table sat Hikaru and a man, visibly older, black hair. Tired eyes, and a stubble from neglecting to shave.

The person who sat there was none other than their father, and actor, Haruto Sora.

Their mom walks to the table with 2 cups of coffee, Hikaru and their dad chatting away, both engrossed by the conversation.

“Oh, Taku-chan! Welcome back!” His mom greets him

“Nice to see you, Takumi.” His dad happily says, signaling him to sit at the table with them.

He sits down, not giving it much thought.

“I was just asking Dad how filming overseas was,” Hikaru tells Takumi, taking a sip out of his mug.

“It was a really good experience, they have some nice scenery and food there. Someday, I’d like to take you all with me”
“That’d be awesome!” Hikaru immediately replies
“A vacation? Sounds fun to me!” their mom replies.

Takumi stares blankly at his Dad.

I’d really only go for filming.

“Sounds good.”

The conversation continues, Takumi thinking about his words.

The words that came out weren’t the ones he wanted to say.

“I’m gonna go to bed early today” Takumi abruptly stands, and begins to walk up the stairs.

“What? He just got back? You’re not gonna as-”

“It’s okay, Hikaru. There’ll always be tomorrow” Their dad interrupts, softly nodding to Takumi.

Takumi finishes walking up the stairs, then heads to the bathroom to shower.

During the shower, the host’s question still rings fresh in his ears.

Why did you start acting?

No other thoughts can come before this question.

Exiting the shower, Takumi stands before the fog-covered mirror and brushes his teeth.

Why can’t I remember? What’s the reason I started this whole journey in the first place?

He brushes his teeth, then heads to bed.

He reaches for his phone to scroll, but stops himself. Something more important caught his attention.

The photo of him as a young boy, playing alone in a sandbox. Smiling without a care in the world.

Is that what I looked like?

Continuing to stare, he begins reliving memories from that age.

Memories he didn’t need to have until now.

Memories that weren’t significant until he needed them to be.

“Smile!”

Mom was so happy to see that face, the one I always made.

“What a nice picture! You always lighten up the room!”

She’s been smiling a lot recently, especially since Hikaru was born.

I like playing in the sand, I can make anything I think of, anything I want.

We always play here, weekends fly by here.

“Takumi! It’s getting late, we should head back!”

“Okay Mom!”

Everytime I left that sandbox, I never thought about what I just made.

Just about what I was going to make next time.

When we got home, Mom started cooking dinner after putting Hikaru in his crib.

I was watching him, and looking at his sleeping face, and short blond hair, I was met with a sense of pride.

Pride in knowing I can help someone.

“Dinner’s ready! Come eat Takumi!”

How could I miss it?

The door clicks open as me and Mom eat, and Dad is finally home.

He looks tired. More tired than usual. But I keep eating.

“How was the search?”

“Not too bad, just not getting the roles I thought I would be”

Dad’s looking for a new role, but other people keep getting chosen.

Why? Why do people not want to see my Dad?

After dinner, Hikaru was put to bed, and I went up shortly after.

…

Late that night, I woke up, needing to go to the bathroom.

“It’s just a low point. It happens”

Mom? What’s she talking about?

“You don’t get it. I’m not being seen by these guys.”

What’s he talking about? Why does Dad sound angry?

“They listen, and they pretend to care, but they won’t pick me. They’ll pick someone else. Every time”

“Just stick with it, Okay? If not for me then for Hikaru, and Takumi”

Dad takes some deep breaths, but he seems like he’s not done yet.

“What’s the difference between me and them? Is it effort? Am I not trying hard enough?”

“You’re trying your hardest. They just need time to see you, the real you”

Dad looks at the TV, and pauses it. He points at the man on the screen, and takes a drink out of a bottle.

“...it’s attention. It’s always been attention”

His eyes look serious. He looks like he means it.

“They don't care who I am. They just look at him. All of them... 

...Their attention that should be focused on me.”

Dad took another, big drink.

“That’s the worth they’re given. The attention they get makes them worth more than me.”

So, without the attention…that’s why he’s like this?

In that moment, something took root in young Takumi's mind. 

A quiet, undeniable, and unquestionable truth about what it meant to be worth something.

Back in the present, Takumi continues staring at the photo, finishing with reminiscing.

Was it my choice to be like this? What views are my own?

Takumi rolls over, now facing the wall on the opposite side of the photo.

What views make up Takumi Sora?

…and what views are mine?