Cracks in the Spotlight

An alarm wakes Takumi up at 7 am, and he sluggishly moves his hands to shut it off.

Getting out of bed, he drags his feet to the bathroom, showering and brushing his teeth. The whole time his eyes are barely open.

He changes into his school uniform, passing his brother and Dad as he heads for the door.

“Aren’t you going to-”

“No”

Takumi interrupts his dad, exiting abruptly.

He puts his shoes on, and passes the same mirror at the front door.

He examines himself for a moment, styling his hair in an attempt to fix any imperfections.

Then he just….stands there.

Why can’t I just do it?

Takumi’s face muscles are clenching, but nothing about his expression changes.

Why can’t I be him today?

He looks his reflection in the eyes blankly, but doesn’t understand the expression his reflection is wearing.

A strained smile. Completely forced, with no meaning.

Why are you looking at me like that? Why does it look like you’re blaming me?

The strained smile fades, and he exits the house.

That face…I’ve never seen it before.

What came easy was pretending to be Takumi Sora, pretending to be someone everyone has to look up to.

What left his house that day wasn’t Takumi Sora.

…

Around lunch time, people swarm Takumi’s desk again, asking him to have lunch together.

“Sure, I guess,” Takumi replies.

The group of them head toward the cafeteria, sitting in the centre.

Surrounded by an ambience of idle chatter, mundane conversations and listless gossip, the hum of distant fluorescent lights,

Takumi feels overwhelmed.

It’s loud again. Too loud. I can’t even think.

The conversation revolves around Takumi, as it usually does.

“What kind of roles have you taken recently?”
“Some le-”
“Why haven’t you modeled yet?”

“I just h-”
“Do you have a girlfriend? I know that you and Yuna get along, but she’s below you…in that sense”

Takumi clears his throat, readying a reply.

“I’ve been busy recently, just taking roles that help me get be…”

Where was this sentence going? What did I want to say?

Takumi stops himself, losing the meaning and words of the sentence as he’s speaking.

“Nevermind.” Takumi bites into his lunch.

The group continues to probe Takumi with questions, each of them desperate to have theirs answered.

He starts to reply, and can actually form sentences again.

He begins to perform, and notices it.

The person he’s pretending to be is Takumi Sora. At least, who he thinks Takumi Sora is.

In his head, he’s distanced from what he’s seeing. Like he’s watching someone on TV.

What is this feeling?

Why does it feel like I’m not here?

He laughs at a joke made by another person in the group.

As he’s laughing, the sound surprises him.

It feels wrong.
It feels like that laugh belonged to someone else.

The bell rings for lunch to end, and with that ending the performance.

The group gets up to head back to class, Takumi going too.

Class starts again.

Takumi tries to bring the fake smile back.

Staring into his reflection in the window, he keeps trying. But as he gets closer to figuring it out, that feeling sets in again.

The feeling of losing control.

I should be able to do this.

I am able to do this.

I am Takumi Sora.

I can do it.

His head rolls back to face the front of the class, but he spots something out of the corner of his eye.

Yuna, looking at him with a confused look on her face.

Her eyes slowly examine him, and he feels confused.

What’s she doing? Why is she looking at me like that?

His heartbeat thumps louder and louder, until she looks back at the front of the class.

Takumi holds his chest, but not to calm it from being flustered.

It was to quell the overwhelming fear he was feeling.

…

The day ends, all the students getting up and leaving the classroom.

“We’re covering Math today,” Yuna calmly states, getting up from her desk.

That’s today? I completely forgot…

“Okay.” Takumi replies, forcing a smile.

Yuna examines Takumi again, but stops almost immediately.

What are you trying to see?

They head to Takumi's house in silence, neither bothering to break it.

They enter his house, and head up to his room, putting their books on the desk.

They begin the tutor session in complete silence.

“So for this formula you want to just…” Yuna explains, Takumi coldly staring at the page.

“...and that’s about it for questions like this.” She finished explaining, Takumi still looking at the page.

She looks at his face, waiting for a reply.

“I see.” He replies, completely monotone.

The feeling of unease comes back as she continues teaching, and he gets farther and farther away from himself in his mind.

Before he knew what was happening, he’s back to watching himself perform.

He reels himself back in, trying to stay in control.

Their study session continues, Yuna teaching and Takumi blindly understanding.

“Do you ever feel like you’re watching yourself live your life?”

Takumi breaks the study talk, causing Yuna to look over at him.

“I can’t help but feel like I'm pretending. Pretending to be someone.”

Silence lingers in the room, Yuna formulating a reply.

“...I wake up, and go about the day like I normally would. But everything feels harder to do. Things I never paid attention to before, now prevent me from looking away.”

Takumi looks at his own page, closing his eyes.

“Maybe that’s not a bad thing.” Yuna replies.

Takumi turns his head to look at her, and she combs a portion of her black hair behind her ear.

“You’ve been acting…I don’t know…different lately” She continues.

Takumi remembers when she was examining him in class.

Is that why…?

“When I looked at you in class, you weren’t really there. It’s hard to explain…” Yuna says, a neutral tone.

“...it’s like you were trying to be someone you can’t remember. Acting like someone you can’t see the face of.”

Takumi’s eyes widen, and, as usual, her intuition is spot on.

Takumi puts his face in his hands and exhales like a burden was lifted after being there for so long.

“I’m tired. Tired from pretending. But I don’t know how to do anything else.” Takumi surprises even himself with his honesty.

“I never saw you when I looked, all I saw was Takumi Sora. I never realized there was someone else in there, someone real.”

How does she always know what to say?

Takumi lifts his head from his hands to look at Yuna in her emerald-green eyes.

“How can I find this person?”

“I don’t know. But that’s the point. None of us do.... That’s for each and every person to figure out” Yuna says honestly.

“...take each step by your own choice. Each option, choose for yourself. You’ll realize that, if you keep doing this…”

“You’ve stopped acting like someone, and started being one.”

Inside Takumi’s head, these words reverberate everywhere.

And suddenly, he’s back on that stage.

Takumi, standing alone on a glowing star-shaped stage, heated by the warmth of stagelights, performs in front of a faceless crowd.

He finished his performance, and the crowd roared in applause and gratitude.

I should be feeling good, after something like that. So why do I feel so empty?

The hollow applause gradually dissipates, along with the crowd. All that’s left is the stage, the lights, and Takumi, standing in the middle.

He looks down, and sees his reflection getting more applause and praise, smiling widely. A smile he practiced so hard to replicate.

He can’t be…no…

The reflection continues performing, while the real Takumi stands in silence.

You can’t leave me behind! You need me!

The reflection looks back at Takumi, a cold and unfeeling gaze.

“Are you sure it’s me who needs you?”

In this moment of doubt, confusion, and separation between himself and who he believes Takumi Sora to be, a crack starts to form.

The smallest of cracks, silently spreading across the face of the star.

Takumi notices this cracking, and it begins to get louder.

What’s happening? Why’s everything shaking?

The cracks spread everywhere, none larger than a strand of hair.

Takumi’s heart rate increases, fearful of the cracks.

He looks down at his feet, hesitant to move around.

If the stage breaks….

…what’s underneath?

His reflection? His fears? Nothing? Everything?

Takumi tries to find the answers in his own mind, but quickly comes to a realization.

If Takumi Sora is going to be everywhere…

…there will be no room left for him.

He comes back to the room, with something he wants to say.

“Should we continue studying?” Yuna asks politely.

Takumi nervously swallows, before taking a first step of his own.

“Can we just…”

He coughs to clear his throat.

“...can we just talk? Even a little bit longer?”

“Sure.”