No Choice at All

Kizuna

I felt the bullet rip through his chest. His lungs filled with blood. But still he stood fighting a battle he couldn’t win. All because I hired him for a job with money he would never be able to spend.

I heard Masa shouting directions to Norihisa. I could hear them cursing. I could hear the beat of the footsteps above my head and the clashing of swords. I could hear the shouts and feel the pain everywhere.

I saw the futures that lay ahead. I made it to China among new friends and family. I would live a happy life, free of godhood, of dying, of a will killing my soul.

But Eien would not be there. He died in this shipyard, broken and bleeding as I escaped. Iroha would stay and die with him. Norihisa would take me to China with a strong face but suffer from survivors’ guilt for years to come.

Masa would live a life forsaken by his clan, the only hope in his life would be Hitsu. She’d try to make a home for themselves in Edo but nothing she did could raise their position. Especially so when they had a child in many years time. They would disappear after Edo was renamed.

That would all happen if I did nothing. I desperately poured through the narrowing futures as I clung to Iroha. I felt her arms wrapped around me and I fiercely held onto that feeling.

I had to help, I couldn’t do nothing. I saw futures where I ended up dead. Where I became a living god, my soul gone. Futures where I never made it to China. Then I stumbled upon a small set of probable futures. The chances were small but if I did it right, I would still go home to China and shed my oncoming godhood.

I was scared; I didn’t want to do it. I could save Eien, Iroha, and everyone else but I still had to face the possibility of my soul being burned away. I didn’t want to do it. Even to save them. I was always scared, so so scared. I had always ignored the shining light trapped behind the locked room in my head. I didn’t want it. I never wanted it. I wanted to remain myself!

Why couldn’t anyone else save them? Why did I have to come in and ruin their lives simply because I wanted to be saved from what had been ordained long ago by my family? Why wasn’t Eien stronger? Why wasn’t I stronger? I didn’t want anyone to die. I didn’t want to die.

I slammed open the door inside my mind where the divinity sat. It’s light poured over me and I wanted to scream in pain. Then I felt Iroha’s hands grab onto my tearstained cheeks.

What are you doing!? Stop it!

I have to. I grabbed her hands as her form began to waver in my eyes. I could see her, truly see her and what she and Eien did to be bonded with one another. All of the pain and the sorrows. And why one couldn’t live without the other. I’m not going to let either of you die. It might be painful, but I’m going to save you both.

Don’t do this! You do this and there’s no going back!

I think I understand now why Eien doesn’t like what Lady Hino does, I mused. We’re only human even if I’m ascending to godhood. How arrogant are we to think that we can channel the future into probable outcomes? I could never have kept track of everything.

Kizuna! Focus on me. Get away from that power! If you don’t, everything would have all been in vain!

No, not in vain. I placed a kiss on her forehead. I can still come back. There’s a chance still. Power streamed from my pores and I felt all. The terror of something invading my soul and head. I’ll be fine but I can’t live my life knowing you two sacrificed your lives for me.

I don’t want you to do this! Eien wouldn’t want you to do this!

It’s fine, it’s my choice to make. I felt her, the other me, making herself at home inside my body. No matter what, I’ll make it to China. One way or another.

I gripped the goddess in my head and tried to hold her back. Use her for my gain. I couldn’t let her take my soul from me.

If there is anything of me in you, I pleaded with the goddess manifesting inside myself. Being born inside of me. The goddess that would be named KIZUNA. Please, work with me to save them. I beg of you. Please!

Then the smooth oval on my forehead burst open and a horn took its place.