Better Memories

“Hey, are you okay?” Mari asked, nudging Azreal’s ribs with her elbow. “Hmm? Yeah. Why would you think I wasn’t?” Azreal asked, genuinely confused. The two were walking the road to the capitol city. While Mari had initially been energetic and chatty, they’d eventually settled into a comfortable silence as their journey wore on.

“You look exhausted and I’m getting the sense that you don’t like going to Nacre. It gives you a sort of negative, scared anxiety.” Azreal sighed as he looked at her big, concerned eyes. ‘She really is perceptive about humans, to pick up feelings that not even I can fully understand.’ His dream and the memory of waking up terrified popped into his head.

“I guess that is how I normally feel about going to Narce." He confessed begrudgingly. "It’s not like I hate the city itself or anything but...I have some bad memories there, and I can’t stop my mind from dredging them up and going on defense every time I have to go back.” He shrugged. “I’ve never been able to describe or understand it but your description of it as anxiety is accurate.” Azreal felt incredibly stupid for not realizing what was right in front of his face. ‘Subconsciously wanting to protect my heart and mind from being hurt again...a trauma response?’ Mari silently walked alongside Azreal as the gears turned in his head.

“I guess I just...don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want anyone to say anything like that to me ever again.” He looked at Mari. “Right after I was pardoned and released, people weren’t happy about it. And remember, my mind already wasn’t in a good place then. Basically, one specific person said some really cruel, hurtful things to me and I just...broke. I was alone and vulnerable and my mind couldn’t take it and snapped at that point and I didn’t know what it was like to be at peace, let alone happy, until I met Nanny.” He wanted to explain it to her; wanted her to understand how deep his feelings ran; but he couldn’tbring himself to recall the priest's accusations in detail. In a way, it was like he was letting more steam out of a pot slowly each time he was able to put a name on what he felt and thought. It didn’t fix everything, but being able to understand himself and realize that he wasn’t crazy lessened the pressure in his chest.

“We don’t have to stay in the city.” Mari offered suddenly. “We can just head home after you take care of business if it’s that triggering to you.” Azreal’s mouth dropped open. “But I thought you wanted to see the city?” “Well, yeah! I do! And I’ve been excited for this trip. You promised me, after all! But...” She flashed a large grin at him. “I care more about you than some trip, you know? If it’s going to bring up bad memories and hurt you, then I don’t want to force you to go through it."

Azreal felt a fresh surge of appreciation for Mari. ‘She’d really do that for me?’ For so long, he’d stuffed his feelings down and tried to ignore them. When they’d become too much and pop up from under the lid he’d slammed down, he’d just tell himself that he deserved to suffer for all the pain he’d caused others. But Mari wanted to know his true thoughts and feelings; all of them, no matter how ugly they were. She wanted to see who he really was and, more importantly, she didn’t pull away when she got what she wanted. She treated his feelings like they mattered; like he mattered. She didn’t think he was a monster, but she didn’t dismiss his self-hatred and guilt, either. She just...listened and accepted him and was willing to consider his feelings in their future interactions.

When they’d first met, he’d called her selfish for not understanding human behavior. While Mari definitely saw the world in a way that was different, he’d been wrong about her not caring about the feelings of others or being able to read the room. Sure, she was still ...weird...sometimes and clueless about the different reactions that different people could have to her behavior but it was her needing the practice of being around a wide variety of humans. Mari did understand the feelings of humans and was highly empathetic, even if she wasn't perfect in reading or reacting to them. Even when she’d prod at the emotions and pain he’d kept hidden, it was always because she wanted to know him better and help him. If that moment in the cathedral years ago was the moment that he felt that his existence as a human being had been denied and deemed to have no value, then that first time that he’d opened up to Mari in the ruined church was the first time that he’d been told that he mattered and was more than just his past and his bad choices.

“Thank you, Mari.” Azreal smiled at her. “Really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for that. I know how you are, so I know how serious it is that you’d reject an adventure in the city for my sake. But...I want to try it. I don’t want my bad memories and the people who hurt me in the past to deny me good memories with you in the present. Maybe it’s just me being hardheaded but...being afraid of Nacre for the rest of my life feels like I’d be letting them win and I don’t want that.”

Azreal reached his hand out and Mari took it firmly in hers. Azreal trembled slightly. He was still terrified, to be completely honest, but it was still something he wanted to do. He wanted to try it at least. “Maybe...maybe this will help?” He offered. “Replacing the bad memories with good ones.” Mari inserted. “Yeah.” He nodded. “And I’m not alone this time.” He looked away shyly. He still had no clue what exactly their relationship was, but he knew that holding her hand helped soothe his pain and fear, and he knew Mari made him feel safe. “As long as I have you with me...I think I can do this.”