Dark Void and Connections [ Log 2 ]

Karla

The hiss of the airlock door closing behind me sent shivers down my spine.

“Are you ready?”

El’s voice echoed in my helmet as the airlock depressurised. I had spent the last few days practising with the power suit. It wasn’t too difficult, and the accident had slowly faded from my mind, but I definitely wasn’t ready for the next step. Yet, I hadn’t dared to say no when El suggested we would “have a look”.

I tried to nod as I grabbed onto the tether securing me to the ship. It was just to have a look, we wouldn’t go outside, I tried to tell myself. The suit felt claustrophobic against my skin, and the airlock suddenly seemed too small. My instinct screamed at me to run, but I couldn’t, even if I’d tried. My body froze as El walked over to the outside door, and she gave me a last glance before opening it.

The dark void of space opened up in front of me, threatening to devour me at any moment if I was foolish enough to welcome its embrace.

“You are doing well.”

I tried to find some comfort in her voice. She gestured for me to come closer. Are you serious? I looked at her, but her face was hidden behind the visor. Mine must be too, so at least she couldn’t see my fear.

She stepped over to me and offered me her hand. I looked at it, surprised. For so long, I had wished for such a gesture, but now, when it came, I lacked the courage to respond. I could feel the dark void stare into my core, bringing all the fears I had tried to push away to the surface.

“You can do it, Kay.”

Hesitantly, I took her hand. Even if I couldn’t feel her warmth through the thick gloves, it helped, and I took a few careful steps towards the abyss.

“Good”

I didn’t let go of her hand, and she didn’t pull away. I wished it would stay like this.

“Check your readings.”

I glanced at the display at the edge of my visor.

“All good…”, I whispered.

The dark void pushed deeper into my core.

“El…”

I couldn’t push against it any longer.

“I am sorry…”

She turned to me.

“You left us.”

There was no anger in her voice as it drifted into the void, just a simple statement, but even so, she didn’t let go of my hand.

“I am sorry…”

“Li wanted you to stay.”

I squeezed her hand, wishing she would tell me she had wanted me to stay too, but she stayed silent, and I didn’t dare ask. Li meant everything to her, just as she had when I first saw her in Shooting Star. It was a rough bar in the high port orbiting New Hope, frequented by old belters telling wild tales and small traders who didn’t mind skipping some formalities when doing business.

She had walked in looking for work, barely an adult, with a gauss pistol on her hip and holding Li’s small hand in hers. She’d made me curious, so I offered her a job even if I doubted that her battered ship would manage to take off from the dock.

“Kay...”

She squeezed my hand.

“We can go back. You did well.”

I blinked and looked at her, her face invisible behind the visor. She closed the door that separated us from the void outside, and the soft hiss of air rushing in through the vents filled the airlock.

She led me back into the ship and then disappeared out and down the corridor. I only hoped it meant she needed a smoke and some space after hearing my words. My hands were shaking as I took off my suit, but Li only watched me with a big smile, and when I was finally out, she rushed over and hugged me.

“You did it! Maybe soon, sis will take you outside.”

I tried not to think about it as I took her hand, and we walked to the canteen. I definitely could have some coffee after this.

Sol was waiting for us as we entered. She’d said she wanted to review my performance, and she quickly established that I had a lot of room for improvement, but I was just happy I’d survived and resisted the pull of the void.

I glanced at her. How had it been for her to drift aimlessly through the void for such a long time? She wasn’t any different from us, and for me, this small glimpse had been enough to bring back all the darkness I’d tried to forget.

“Sol…”

She turned to me, but I lost my courage and just smiled. I wished I knew what to tell her. No words could undo the past, I knew it very well, but… I sighed and looked down.

The truth was, I wasn't good with people, not in these situations. There was a difference between pleasing someone's ego to stick to the deal and this. Relationships… Connections… Friendships… Maybe those skills came with a safe home and people who cared about you? I didn’t know, and I’d stopped trying long before Uncle Kim took me in.

The only person I’d ever managed to do it with was El, but I still didn’t know how it happened. We’d started out by chatting about prices and trade routes, normal stuff, but somehow managed to go beyond it. How? Maybe it was she, and not me, who had put us on that course. Probably. I wouldn’t have known how to get there, even if I wanted to, just like now.

With most people I’d met, I had enough in common to start a conversation, but not with Sol. I stayed silent for most of the time when she was around, feeling guilty about it. But what else should I do? The only meaningful interaction I could remember with her was when she helped me with my suit or respirator. Even I knew it wasn’t how you made friends.

But at the same time, in those short moments, I’d got to know her better. If only we could do something together, but what? They spent hours talking about the stars, engines and navigational beacons. Even if I sat with them in the canteen, trying to listen to their conversation, I understood nothing. But leaving would make me feel even worse.

Back then, I’d taken El and Li to lunch. That’s how it had started, but I didn’t think it would work with Sol. She didn’t even eat. If only we could do something together, not starfaring, not brokerage, but something else. Then maybe we could become friends.