Boredom, Action and Fear [ Log 2 ]

Sol

Was this what Captain Leav had wanted me to experience? A life of peace and relationships extending beyond what was required by my duty… Was this what I’d been missing this whole time, not even realising it? But how could I have done any differently when keeping my crew safe had been my top priority?

But even so, no matter how hard I’d tried, I’d failed them. Through the years, as I drifted through the empty void of space, I’d analysed those last hours, looking for the mistake that led to their end, but there was none. We were fated to die that day, no matter what I would have done. Every decision we made that day was the best we could have done, yet it also led to their demise.

Stardust and old memories, that was all that was left despite my best efforts to bring everyone back home. It wasn’t fair.

These thoughts had been a constant companion for so long that I took them as an integral part of my programming, but recently they’d begun to change. Was it fair to replace Captain Leav and my crew with something new? Was it fair to have survived when they hadn’t?

But if I had died that day, as I’d wished for so long, Elsa and Laya would still be trying to make ends meet in a ship that should have been decommissioned a long time ago. And Karla… She would still be the same as when we first met, guilt and regret following her like a shadow.

We fought so that the future generations could live in peace, but this world was far from perfect, even if war had ended long ago. Had our sacrifice been in vain? Or maybe the war was still ongoing, but with a different enemy. At least I made a difference now, even if it was a small one. My new crew had been given a second chance and a new beginning, and they were happy with this turn of events. I would keep them safe for as long as my systems stayed online.

The door behind me opened with a hiss, and I turned to see Karla walking into the bridge. She tried to smile when she saw me, but her smile never reached her eyes. It never did.

She walked over to my console and hesitated for a few moments before saying,

“Sol... Is there any place you’d like to visit? I could adjust our routes.”

A place I would like to visit… With our current course set on Sherma’s home, I had asked myself that question many times, but I still wasn’t sure what the answer was. So much time had passed since the war ended that the people my crew had loved must be gone by now, turned to stardust without ever knowing their fate. Did the new generation care about what had happened long before they were born? Yet, she waited for my answer.

“Hyperion...” I said quietly.

A world of purple skies and emerald seas, full of exotic creatures that had adapted to its low gravity and oxygen-rich atmosphere. Captain Leav had wanted to see it when the war ended, and his wish had passed on to me when he turned into stardust.

“Hyperion?”

She smiled.

“I’ve heard it’s beautiful.”

“Me too.”

She looked at me with curiosity but didn’t dare to ask about it.

“I will adjust our route.”

“Thank you.”

She tried to smile and looked around nervously, not knowing what to do.

“Could you show me how this works?”

She pointed at the console, and I gave her a curious look. So far, she had approached her basic training as a necessity, never looking forward to it nor really liking it in the first place.

“You don’t need to worry about it.”

She sighed and looked down.

“I feel so useless.”

“Useless? You're the one dealing with the trades the moment we dock in a port.”

“Yeah, but now…”

I smiled, remembering what Master Wang always used to say.

“Navy is 97% of boredom, 2% of action and 1% of fear.”

“But the others are still doing something.”

“They just know how to deal with the boredom.”

She looked down. Wasn’t that the answer she had been looking for, or had she asked the wrong question?

“What happened?”, I asked.

“I don’t know…”

She avoided my eyes, and I reached out and gently squeezed her hand.

“It’s okay.”

“I just wish things were different.”

“You still can make it different.”

“I know, you always tell me that.”

She shook her head.

“If I only knew how.”

I squeezed her hand and looked at her.

“You know how... You know what you regret.”

“What… what if I make a mistake? What if I mess up again?”

“Karla… You can only do your best, but the outcome is beyond you. I did all I could to bring my crew back home, but…”

She froze for a moment.

“Sol…”

She hesitantly put a hand on my shoulder.

“You are not alone, you know…”

The words stored in the depths of my memory bank, once spoken by Chief Nakamura on the eve of the battle, flooded my mind.

“Karla…”

“Call me Kay.”

She tried to smile, and I gave her a small nod.

“You are not alone, either, Kay.”

Her gaze followed me as I slowly got up and hesitantly put my arms around her.

“You are not alone…”

She shivered in my arms, and her tears wet my cheek, making me wish I could cry with her.

Could I really make space for both? Could I hold on to the memories I’d carried alone for so long and still take the second chance fate had offered me? Or would I replace them and forget what had happened if I chose to accept this path that unfolded before me?

I glanced at the old photo pinned to Chief Takamura’s... No, to Laya’s console... Maybe I could make space for both…