Shattered Perception

Takumi sits in his living room, the afternoon sun coating the room in a golden hue.

He’s watching TV, a documentary on the earth, but he’s not really watching it. Just staring at the TV.

Takumi goes to grab his glass of water, left on the table next to the couch. He reaches back and accidentally hits the glass, pushing it closer to the edge.

Did someone move the table?

The glass rests on the edge of the table, barely holding on. Takumi finally grabs it, and drinks.

Something’s off about this water. It tastes…off.

Takumi is visibly irritated after drinking the water, pulling the glass away like it did something wrong.

His mom walks down the stairs, and Takumi doesn’t look away from the TV.

“Taking a rest day?” She says, curious what he’s up to for the day.

To Takumi, this wasn’t a genuine question.

It was an attack on his character.

“Yeah, is there something wrong with that?” Takumi snaps back instantly.

Takumi’s eyes widened out of surprise; that’s not what he meant to say.

They both pause in silence, but Takumi’s mom continues walking down.

“Sorry I asked,” she apologizes.

Takumi is still visibly shaken by his own reply, and his heartbeat quickens. The guilt of misplaced irritation weighs on him, but only for a moment.

Without apologizing, Takumi continues to watch TV.

The voice on the documentary, the scenery, the colors…they never changed. The sun still shines in the apartment.

The TV grows more distant from Takumi, making Takumi reactionarily shut it off.

Clouds start to drift, covering the once golden room in a gray, melancholic aura.

It was supposed to be sunny all day…I thought so at least.

The gradual shallow tapping of rain on the glass of their apartment slowly evolves into oppressive slamming, overwhelming the ambient silence in the room.

Takumi goes to put his glass in the sink, as he’s walking to the kitchen Hikaru walks in the apartment.

“Hey,” Hikaru gestures to Takumi

Takumi doesn’t register.

“I was hoping you’d be around…You’ve been pretty hard to reach recently.”

Hikaru heads into the kitchen, following Takumi.

“You alright?” Hikaru asks, Takumi refusing to look at Hikaru.

“I’m Fine.” Takumi goes about cleaning his glass, staring forward.

The words land completely flat, as hollow as the rain outside.

“You don’t seem fine.”

Takumi exhales sharply, fed up.

“I said I’m fine. What else do you want from me?”

“Look at me.” Hikaru pleads. Not an order, or command. A request.

Takumi doesn’t.

If I look, he’ll see it.

He’ll notice the cracks. The hesitation. The uncertainty.

Hikaru starts to get slightly agitated, clutching a paper in his hands.

He takes a deep breath, his frustration with Takumi growing by the second.

“I get it. You’re the great Takumi Sora, someone as low as me can’t-”
“Forget it.” Hikaru slips, letting the frustration get the better of him, only briefly.

“What?”

What did he just say?

Hikaru looks away, his jaw clenched tight.

“Nothing. I said nothing.”
“Don’t act like I can’t hear. Say it” Takumi’s voice becomes more aggressive.

Is this what I want to be doing? I want to leave it unsaid…I want it to stay like this.

…But Takumi Sora won’t let that happen.

Like many times before, he loses control.

“You don’t want to look at me. What are you, afraid?”

“You won’t look at me,” Hikaru says, “It’s like you think I’ll see something you don’t want me to”

Takumi laughs, sharp but frail, collapsing with each breath.

“See what? That you're in the same room as me?”
“That’s not what I meant”
“That’s always what you mean.”

Hikaru tightens his voice, compelled to continue speaking from frustration and anger.

“You’re not acting like yourself.”

Takumi freezes.

That word. “Yourself?”

“What?” Hikaru asks.

“You don’t understand.” Takumi snaps, “You think there’s some version of me that isn’t this. Isn’t what you see”

He vaguely gestures at himself.

“This is what people want. This is what works in this world”

“Do you even believe that?”

Takumi inches closer to Hikaru.
“You don’t get to tell me what to believe.”

Silence.

Rain continues to pound the windows.

“You still sound like you’re trying to convince yourself.” Hikaru states.

Takumi’s breath catches, for just a moment.

That same hollow smile returns.

One he practised so hard in the mirror for.

A symbol of him as an actor.

“It’s working. That’s what counts. That’s all that counts.”

Takumi fails to get back in control, struggling to get back to the impossibly distant present.

I can’t.

He’s right.

But if he’s right…

…then I don’t know what I am.

I can’t be nothing. I have to mean something.

I do mean something.

Takumi Sora means something.

Takumi gives up trying to gain control, and fully sinks into watching his life unfold.

Because even if I mean nothing at all..

…I want Takumi Sora to be everywhere.

Even if it means leaving me behind.

The world’s color, and detail all cease to exist.

And Takumi Sora is back to being the person he could always count on.

“I’m leaving.” Takumi blankly states, exiting the kitchen, leaving Hikaru in his shadow.

…

Days, even weeks pass, and Takumi remains in this state. Watching Takumi Sora live his life.

At school, things go by easier. Takumi Sora was better with people than he was.

Sitting at his desk, in the middle of class, Takumi just exists, blankly staring at the board.

Yuna turns to her left and sees Takumi, looking directly at his eyes.

“What’s going on?” Yuna whispers
“What?” Takumi whispers back.

“You two! Stop talking in the middle of class!” the teacher shouts, before getting back to the lesson.

What could she possibly want to talk about?

They wait until after school, and Yuna approaches him.

“I was going to head to the bookstore after school, if you wanted to come?”

Takumi hesitates.

Memories of their previous time at the book store replay in his mind.

“I’ve got plans today, sorry” Takumi replies, giving that same hollow smile.

He begins to walk away.

“I know something’s up.” Yuna tells Takumi, halting his movements.

“I can’t recognize who you are” she continues, “before, there was something more to you. Something I could see.”

I want to go…I wa-
Takumi’s hand begins to strain, like it’s fighting itself to move in opposite directions.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Takumi replies coldly. The sun coats his back, projecting a shadow onto the floor below his feet.

The shadow stretches, stopping just shy of Yuna’s feet.

“I see” Yuna says calmly.

Yuna stops trying to push. She accepts that the person she saw is too far away now.

Takumi does interviews, shoots for movies, and interacts with fans online.

He sees the replies online.

“He’s just so freaking hot!~”
“Ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim”
“He’s one of the few actors we can actually trust.”
“Word on set is he’s genuine, and amazing to be around”

You see, Hikaru? You’re wrong.

You’ll always be wrong.

Always.

He enters his house, greeted by his mom.

“I saw that article. Great job, Takumi! I always knew you’d shine this bright”
“Me too” Takumi comments under his breath, that same hollow smile emerging to show gratitude to his mom.

He heads to his room, and finds the box of his own posters.

Why did I ever take these down?

He looks at one of the posters, unrolling it to see a younger version of himself at the centre.

The poster is for a movie called “I called you crazy”

Takumi rolls the poster back up, and places it in the box again.

He felt there was no need for it anymore.

No need to remind himself of who he is.

He already knows.

His phone suddenly starts to erupt in notifications.

“Congratulations on being nominated for Best Actor!”
“He should win this, any day of the week”

All the posts tag him.

He’d been nominated for his role as Polaris in Stellar.

Takumi Sora, nominated for Best actor…

…the winner has a nicer ring to it.

This was all the proof he needed.

As he watched Takumi Sora live his life, this moment showed him the truth.

They didn’t care about him.

They only wanted Takumi Sora.

And with that, his internal stage, fractures riddles throughout it…finally shatters.

Takumi falls, along with the countless shards of the stage.

When they land, Takumi stands on nothing, the pieces piling up around him.

Here, all he can do is look up at his life being lived.

Nobody can see him.

Nobody can hear him.

Nobody wants to see him.

Nobody needs him.

He was the one who got no attention.

And in this cruel, bright, shallow and intrusive world…

…as he’s convinced himself so many times before…

…attention is worth.

With only one part of himself being worth anything, Takumi decided to make a final vow.

Takumi Sora is the one they all want.

Takumi Sora is the person people see when they look at me.

If he’s gone, so am I.

He wants to be seen.

I don’t want to disappear.

He wants to sit above everyone else.

I want to understand.

Takumi gathers all the pieces of the shattered stage, grasping them tightly.

So tightly, the fragments piece his skin, and he begins to bleed.

But he doesn’t care.

If he let go, there would be nothing left anyway.

I won’t let go. I can’t. There’s nothing beneath the surface anymore. 

I can't remember if there ever was.