Fractured Fame

Takumi is walking to school, heading over a bridge, the overwhelming reflection of the sun makes him squint his eyes.

Though the sun is bright, right now, he doesn’t want to look.

The flowing water beneath the bridge, slight rustling of hair on Takumi’s head, and the busy street are experiences that felt refreshing.

I’d almost forgotten how the morning feels, at least when it’s not raining.

He glances at his phone, seeing the time is earlier than he thought it was.

The alarm must’ve messed up…Looks like I got some time to kill.

As he walks down the street, he really takes his time.

Sights he’d never witnessed. Sounds he’d always ignored.

Colors he refused to believe.

This road, have I been on it before? What a stupid question, of course I have…but nothing feels the same, or even sounds the same.

He spots the corner store Yuna works at, and decides to stop in.

Browsing the shelves, he grabs a red bean bun and a milk tea out of the fridge.

I deserve these things, after trying so hard.

Trying so hard for what?

He exits, and continues making his way to school.

As he enters the school gates, a reporter is there, eagerly waiting for him.

“Sora-kun, do you have a moment to talk about Stellar?” the reporter asks, his cameraman standing by for the go ahead.

A small crowd gathers, Takumi garnering their attention so easily.

This is routine stuff, things I can do in my sleep.

He goes to reply, but his throat closes. His tongue remains stagnant in his mouth.

His eyes look conflicted, unsure of his own response.

“I-” Takumi cuts himself off.

“...No, sorry” Takumi looks down, walking away from the reporter.

His words in front of the media were always hollow, meaningless sentences bound together through the ambition of someone else.

…but today, they felt like a different kind of hollow.

Not for appeasement, but for protection.

The reporter stands there, watching Takumi walk into the school, whispering to his camera operator.

“I thought this guy never turned down interviews?!”
“That’s what I thought too” the camera operator whispers back.

Even though he’s walking away, it feels like the whole world started to stare.

Takumi heads to class, and the people who witnessed what happened make their own assumptions.

“Maybe he’s tired of the media?”
“He could use a break!”
“What if the rumors of him and Yamaguchi-senpai are true?”
“Sometimes publicity is a bad thing”
“This isn’t like the person I saw on the other interviews”

“Is he okay?”

As he takes his seat, he notices that his hands won’t stop trembling.

His once muted heartbeat now hammers in his chest.

Ringing in his ears begins to set in, and the room grows distant. Like he was back to watching himself on TV.

What’s going on? Why won’t it stop?

He grabs his hands together, and this somehow calms him.

He takes a deep breath, and as he looks up a few students have found themselves at his desk.

“Good morning, Takumi-san!” A lively girl, shorter brown hair and a decent tan, says to Takumi

Takumi blankly stares at the girl for a moment, in complete silence.

“Hey” He replies, with a hint of robotic politeness.

The girl looks confused, but walks away happy regardless.

The rest of the people swarming his desk have the same thing to say, and are all met with minimal answers/ reactions.

“Good morning” and “You too” are what most people get out of him.

They continue to ring in Takumi’s ears, but the voice seems unfamiliar to him.

Everything I’m saying, it just sounds fake.
…my mouth remembered how it felt to be Takumi Sora

But I didn’t.

Yuna looks over at Takumi greeting people, and notices the complacent kindness and automation of replies.

She looks forward again, letting out a deep breath as she does so.

“I hope you’re okay…Takumi” she quietly whispers, nobody paying any attention.

…

The day drags, feeling heavier than before.

Takumi walks the halls, with his head down.

Their voices flow past him, like waves at a beach. The laughter, the footsteps, the whispers…

…none of it feels like it belongs to him.

It feels like the world continued to move forward, and that he forgot how.

He can’t hear the crowds of people.

He doesn’t want to see their faces.

A harsh shiver runs down his spine, shaking him to his core.

Who do they see when they look at me?

Takumi receives a message about a movie shooting for a few scenes they’d forgotten for Stellar, and decides to wrap that up.

It’s too late for me to cancel. Might as well get it over with.

As much as I don’t want to show up…

…Takumi Sora always does.

…

Hikaru arrives home, looking extremely happy.

Clenched tightly in his hands is a contract from an agency, asking him to choose them as a representative.

“Dad, guess what I got!” Hikaru exclaims, showing his father the paper

“That’s amazing! Congratulations!” His dad embraces him in a tight hug, both wearing a huge smile.

“I always knew you could do it. I always knew you could be like Takumi!”

“Now we can act together, hopefully!” Hikaru exclaims, heading up to Takumi’s room

He stops outside the door.

I can’t wait to show him…then we can finally be side by side. Equals.

I won’t have to chase his shadow anymore. Won’t have to keep reaching for someone who won’t look back.

We’ll finally be on the same footing-

Hikaru opens Takumi’s door, and what he’s met with is a shell of what he remembered it to be.

The posters on the wall? Gone.

The signed photos of himself? Packed away.

Nothing of significance that belonged to Takumi Sora remained in that room.

What’s going on? Where’s all the stuff from his movies? The photos with fans?

Where’s the person I’ve been trying to catch up to?

Hikaru spots a box near the doorway, and sees a rolled up poster in it. It’s worn, but not from being cared for and put up.

It was from the confusion and frustration of taking it down.

Hikaru realizes something that day.

He realized that, for the first time…

…his brother might be running from the thing he’d been trying to chase for so long.

Hikaru exits the room, feeling let down by his expectations.

Takumi should’ve been there.

Takumi should’ve congratulated him.

Takumi would’ve accepted him.

All that’s left to accept is the fact that the distance between them grew larger.

…

A few hours pass, and Takumi exits his house. Nobody notices.

He’s dressed in black, with sunglasses on. Completely covert, no chance of recognition.

What am I even doing?

Takumi walks down the street, and stops by a familiar corner store.

“Is Yamaguchi-san working today?” Takumi asks, trying to hide his voice.

“Nah, check back tomorrow” the clerk states, brushing him off.

“Then where would I be able to find her?” Takumi continues.

Takumi follows the clerk’s directions to a moderately-busy book store, in a mall about 10 minutes away.

Why am I here?

Takumi enters the store, smiling out of courtesy to the older woman behind the counter.

There, he searches aisle by aisle until he finds what he’s looking for.

Sitting in a chair, in a secluded corner of the store is Yuna, reading a book on contemporary history.

“Yamaguchi…how’s it going?” Takumi awkwardly asks Yuna, shocked to see him there.

“Is anyone sitting here?”
“Feel free”

Takumi sits across the table from Yuna, continuing to read her book as if nothing changed.

People continuously pass by, Takumi conscious of each and every one of them. Paranoid he’ll be figured out.

She noticed. She knows who I am.

He looked. He definitely knows.

“What’re you so worried about?” Yuna breaks his paranoia with a swift sentence.

“What?”
“Why are you so afraid of being seen here?”

I don’t want her to be seen with me. I don’t want to be the reason she suffers.

“I don't want people to make assumptions” Takumi blurts out, not saying the right words.

Yuna closes her book, and looks Takumi in the eyes.

“Look around for a moment.”

Takumi raises his head, and looks at the other customers shopping there.

“What do you see?” she asks.

“People shopping. People looking for something they want”
“What else?”

Takumi looks around some more, taking in details he never would have before.

“There’s a few couples reading books together, attendants serving people, and workers keeping stock. They look…entertained.” Takumi adds.

“There’s something you’re missing”
“And what’s that?” he questions.

He looks forward as Yuna replies.

“None of them are looking at you.”

Takumi’s pupils widen, coming to a realization.

There’s no spotlights here. No people to please. No crowd to entertain.

I feel like I’m invisible.

The rustling of pages, idle chatter of books and insightful recommendations fill the once paranoid silence Takumi was hearing.

“This book is getting a bit boring…how about we find another one?” Yuna asks Takumi as she gets up from her seat.

“Sure.” Takumi agrees, feeling weightless after losing the burden of recognition.

They begin browsing the shelves, and conversation naturally flows between the two.

“Is this the kind of book you like, Yamaguchi-san?”
“I read a lot of different things. It’s hard to say which ones I like more than others.”

She grabs a shojo manga from the shelf, and hands it to Takumi.

“If I had to pick it’d be these types though…”
“I think I’ve read this one before. I didn’t like the ending, but the pacing and story made up for that”
“I agree”
“I just wish they got together at the end, but sometimes conclusions aren’t cohesive.”
“I thought the same thing. They set it up perfectly, but nothing really came of it.”

Takumi catches himself feeling something.

Something he’d forgotten how to feel.

Relief.

No performances. No pretending.

Just him, being who he wants to be.

Yuna grabs 3 volumes of that shojo manga, and heads to the checkout.

“Do you have a member’s card?” the older woman behind the cash asks.

“Yes, just a moment please” Yuna replies, reaching into her wallet.

As she’s searching, Takumi pays for her books.

“No need. Your friend already paid for them! Take care you two!”

Yuna looks confused, glancing at a nervous Takumi, and they head for the exit.

…

“I didn’t ask for your charity” Yuna states, slightly angry that he paid for her books.

“It’s not charity, consider it a thank you” he replies.

“For what?”

Why am I thanking her, exactly? It seemed like the right thing to do…but now I can’t remember why it did.

“I’ll tell you once I figure that out” He honestly replies, getting a chuckle out of Yuna.

They walk in silence, heading toward Yuna’s house.

“It’s better to see you like this…”
“Like what?”
“Not pretending to be something your not”
“In class today…you seemed distant. Is everything alright?” Yuna continues.

Takumi takes a breath, pausing to think for a moment.

“Sometimes I can’t remember who I’m trying to be.

I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle. One where I continually lose myself”

Takumi’s voice starts to trail, being swallowed by the silence of the evening streets. Yuna walks beside him, not forcing him to rush, not interpreting.

Just listening.

“It’s like there’s a version of me that everyone thinks they know. The version I keep needed to play to make them happy.

The longer I play this person, the less I remember what’s beneath him”

He laughs nervously, a soft and somber chuckle. He glances at his hands.

“When that reporter asked me for an interview about Stellar…I realized I didn’t know what I wanted to say. I got scared…scared that if I opened my mouth, I’d disappear”

Yuna remains quiet, waiting for the right time.

“I don’t think I’ve lived as myself…just as Takumi Sora.”

The streetlights above them flicker.

Yuna clutches the books she bought to her chest.

“...that must be tiring.”

Takumi is surprised at how simple her answer was.

“I don’t pity you, don’t get me wrong…but I can tell how much you’ve thought about this.”

They both stop walking.

“I couldn’t care less about the Takumi Sora you’re talking about…but the person in front of me…the person who complains about manga endings. The genuine person here today ... .that's the one I want to see more of.”

Takumi feels something in his chest loosen, a warm embrace of recognition and the ache of something breaking within.

“...thank you.” Takumi whispers.

They continue walking until they reach Yuna’s home. The silence between them isn’t suffocating anymore, but a natural feeling.

As Yuna heads for the stairs at her apartment, she says one final thing to Takumi.

“Be who you want to”

There aren’t any spotlights.

No directors to say cut.

No cameras to stop rolling.

Just honesty.

Yuna gives him a small smile before going up the stairs, and Takumi stands there for a bit longer.

As he listens to the quiet neighbourhood, the sound of his heartbeat.

He can hear them. Not through someone else’s body. But his own

These experiences didn’t belong to Takumi Sora.

They belonged to him.

The stage in his mind returns, and the hairline cracks deepen to complete fractures. Shards begin to fall off, and the star begins to deform.

Yet Takumi stands on the stage, staring down at the unimaginable black beneath it.

If the stage is gone….will there be nothing left?

He thinks back to memories that he feels are his own. Not Takumi Sora’s

They begin to fill the void below, but are too far to reach with his hands.

Too fleeting to catch.

As he stands on his imaginative crumbling stage, figuring out what happens if he falls…he feels afraid. Afraid of losing a part of himself.

The weakest, most repulsive, most beloved to everyone else part of himself.