10. Anxiety

Haruka entered her apartment, threw herself into bed and took a nap. She was not only tired due to the early mission, but wanted to avoid the anxiety from the next one. When she woke up, she prepared some food and noticed her helmet wasn't there. "Maybe I will look for it later" she thought to herself.

During the afternoon and evening, Haruka packed her stuff, did some exercise and took some notes, all in preparation of her mission. Also, she spent time playing guitar, listening to music, crocheting and writing. On her mind, she saw flashes of anxious-filled events, the minutes before a test at school, the curtains roll of a concert and a love's confession anticipation. She could not remember doing any of those things, but she wrote or sang about them, in an effort to empty her mind.

Later that evening, she tried to get some sleep. Even after the tiring day and all the activities, her eyes were not closing. And when they did close, her mind was hard at work, preparing for the mission and the possible scenarios. Even though her insomnia kept her up, she did get scared when she heard a soft knock on the door. She controlled her breath and as silently as she could, she got up, grabbed her pistol and went to the door. She looked through the peephole and sighed when she saw Kazuki. Still unsure, she hid her pistol behind her back and opened the door.

- "Hi Kaa-chan, do you know what time it is?"
- "Yes, it is midnight" - he replied. He had his hands behind his back. - "I would like to talk to you."
- "I was trying to get some sleep you know" - she replied with a tired face.
- "Well, I didn't want to interrupt your sleep, that's why I tried to knock softly. I can come back some other time."
- "No! I am with insomnia anyway, you can come in." - he entered, and sat on her sofa, while she closed the door. She left the pistol on her desk, offered him some water, and, yawning, sat on her desk chair and set it in front of him.
- "So, Kaa-chan, what brings you here at this time of the night?"
- "Well, I just kind of wanted to talk a little bit."
- "Come on, I know you wouldn't come here just to talk at this time of the night" - her tone was serious and her eyes were glaring - "I see your hands behind your back. Show me what this is." - Kazuki looked down and around before saying:
- "Alright, you are sharp." - he hesitated - "you see I'm not too good with those things, but I will try" - he stuttered - "the thing is, I'm worried about your mission and I thought to myself, it might be nice to do something to you, a small thing, a sign of good luck. Something to ... I don't know... just something good, something to show I cared, I guess."
- "Well, show me then" - Haruka kept serious.
- "Alright" - Kazuki now showed his hands and on them was a helmet. It was Haruka's helmet, but brilliantly painted. Now it was a slick black with shining dark pink details, around the visor and on the edges of its back. Haruka's serious facade was obliterated, her eyes shone seeing her helmet transformed - "you see, your helmet was a mess, so I took it while you were not looking and gave it a treatment. I'm sorry for doing that, I hope you like it. If not, I can... you know just paint it white aga..." - Kazuki was interrupted by Haruka hurling towards and hugging him.

They remained silent. Haruka did not let go, so she could hide her tears. Out of instinct, she pecked his cheek. Haruka felt her heart accelerating and a yearning, a slowly burning yearning. She held him tighter as if to keep herself under control. Kazuki simply reciprocated the hug as he felt her heart, seemingly stoic. Haruka took deep breaths, before releasing him and quickly using her arm to dry the few tears. Then, getting up she said:
- "Well, thank you a lot, Kaa-chan. I am really grateful, your work is gorgeous!" - her smile was radiant - "my helmet was such a mess you know?" - she laughed, breaking the tension. He replied also laughing:
- "Wasn't it? It hurt my eyes every time I saw it" - she pouted:
- "You are so mean!" - and she laughed again.

They spent a few minutes laughing and talking together. Then, Haruka said:
- "Well, Kaa-chan, I really need to get some sleep. The mission will be tough, so let's call it a day, shall we?"
- "Sure thing." - Haruka led him to the door. When he exited, she said:
- "I will take this helmet with me and remember you. Thanks a lot Kaa-chan, I am looking forward to meeting you after the mission." - Kazuki was flustered as he replied:
- "Well, it was nothing. Please take care, Raikubo-san. I got your back on the mission. And" - he paused - "always."
- "Me too. See you soon."
- "See you." - Haruka closed the door and went back to her bed.

Haruka's sleep was a fight. A fight of her sleepiness against her insomnia. And a fight of her emotions against the rules. "What got into me really? Love is forbidden between agents. But I...I... really wanted to..." - she thought to herself, while she tried to quiet down her mind and sleep. "It is not only a rule. Agents risk their lives everyday. To be in love with another agent is putting both hearts on the line. It is...too cruel" - her thoughts were hard to quell. It took her a long time, but she slept with the lingering thought "after all, can love bloom even on a battlefield?"

Back on his room, Kazuki also had troubles getting to sleep. He relaxed with the memory of her embrace and tensed again with the risk of losing her. The undercover mission, their separation, that's why he wished to do something for her, of course. "Is that what people call love? I sure hope it is not... It is not only forbidden, it is impossible for agents to love. Too much risk and pain. In the battlefield, we cannot love."