The World Is Ending And There Is Nothing You Can Do About It
The year is 200X.
The world is fried, fractured, and fracked all to hell.
It's a desolate place where few things can survive and people are unhappy. In this discount Mad Max apocalypse, the people pray for the century's savior to come in their time of need.
Sadly, nobody came.
In the great desert Sahara, there's an oasis that nobody knows of, and every decade or so, an old man makes a lone pilgrimage to the village hidden in the sand.
"Once upon a time," the old man mutters to himself, "the world ended.
And an old immortal set off into the desert to seek a way to end his suffering. It has been many years I've wandered the desert. Searching of the one thing I desire the most and what everyone but me has been to. Some call it the Promised Land. Others call it Los Paradiso, The Undiscovered Country, The Kingdom in the Clouds. But most people call it, Heaven."
"Never able to die. Forever aging.
I seek out this land to end the pain that accompanies living too long.
I've lived through wars, famine, disease, and many oppressions.
Long have I seen new civilizations arise only to soon by fell over night.
Often I've had to watch my loved ones perish, to grow old faster than I.
Forever am I cursed and forever I curse the man that had this to me."
A soft breeze blows in the wind and through his flowing robes and the elder plants his walking stick into the soft scorching sand and takes pause to look into the sky.
"Can you see me from up there? Are you sure that I haven't suffered enough already for my avarice?"
For days, he continues his journey, resting for brief moments and for the occasional period to hunt the rare creatures roaming the desert, until he finally reaches the small village.
"I'm back home," the old man thinks to himself, "maybe this time I'll get lucky and finally kick the bucket."
From a distance, a stern and familar voice calls out the old man, "I see that you're still kicking, darling." He turns around and finds a woman just as old as he is, adorned in a white flowing dress and large brimming sun hat. "But I can see that your sense of style is still dead as ever." She added, pointing at his filthy and soiled robe.
"Eve, I see that you're still as smarmy as ever," he barked backed, "Did you come here to mock me as always?"
Well, yes. But we both know why we're here."
He turned away and started to dig at the ground with his walking stick. "I see that you've also decided to come here to keel over and die. Just to let you know, you're going to have to go dig your own hole because I'm not sharing with a parasite like you."
"Classy as ever, Adam. I'm shocked as ever that you managed to make it this long with that mentality. Now spill it, what do you know?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. Even if I did know, I wouldn't tell you."
"Come on, Adam..." she said, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, resisting the urge to cough out her lungs from the stench, "Be kind, 'cough!', be inviting like you always were when we- 'cough' were together."
He shoved her away, "That was several life times ago and you know it! And I'll tell you again, I don't know nothin'!"
She was taken aback, "Wait, are you serious?"
"Same as I always have been woman!"
"So you really don't kno-
"What?" He turned towards the confused lady elder, "What is it that you know and I don't?"
"Oh, it's nothing. Nothing that you need to know. It'll just be a waste of time"
"If it's nothing, then you won't have any problem telling me!" He raised his walking stick above her head, "Tell me or I'll have to beat it out of you!"
"Adam! Of all people, you know that won't kill me."
"Of course it won't," he then shook the cane towards her, "but I know it'll hurt a whole lot! So spill it ya harpie! What is it?!"
"Well, only if you put down the cane first and promise not to act rashly."
He lowered his cane to the ground. "Okay, I'll listen."
"Good." She paused for a bit, "Now, Adam, we-"
"Just get to the point."
"Fine... you're no fun." She then pulled out a note from her little purse and presented to him, "I had assumed that you got one of these notes."
Adam stared at the insignia, memories flashed into his head of a medical bag and surgical equipment operating on him. Adam snatched the note from Eve and held it in his hand to further study it.
On the note, it said,
"To whoever reads this note,
I hope that you are enjoying the fruits of achievement of world peace. Thanks to your long awaited efforts it had finally been achieved!
However, I must apologize that it will not last long. Apparently due to a snafu, an armadillo, 15 cups of butter, and a lori have escaped containment and is now on its way towards an undisclosed location. For brevity's sake, I will not explain how this problem is paramount but instead I will get to the point.
The world will end in two weeks.
I apologize for the inconvenience.
The last part of the letter was smudged to the point of being unreadable, but both Eve and Adam knew who it was from.
"When did you get this letter?" Adam demanded.
"12 days ago."
Adam crushed the note in his hand lunged towards the elderly woman "Why didn't you tell me sooner?!"
Terrified, she meekly responded, "I thought you got one too..."
Adam turned towards the sky, raising his fists, "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!"
Nobody turned their heads towards the senile man in the streets yelling at a cloud. It's a Tuesday and life's too short.
"Oh shove it," consoled Eve, "I had to cancel plans to come to this butt hole in the sand."
"You shove it, Eve. I walked here, you probably took one of them fancy flying machines over here!"
"Statistically they're the safest way to travel. Anyway, I'm going to check in my room at the villa. You play nice." She then walked off to enjoy her final hours.
"Same as ever, Eve. Enjoying yourself when things are about to go straight to hell."
Adam walked himself towards the town square and sat himself at the fountain.
"Two days, until the world ends, huh? It could be worse," he chuckled, "Maybe this time I'll actually stay dead this time!" He bursted out laughing with his big toothy grin as the a gentle breeze blew through the arid desert air.
"I haven't seen you this happy in a long time, Adam" another familiar voice called out.
"Huh?" his eyes turned towards the voice, "Oh, it's you," he groaned.
"No, no, don't get excited to see little 'ol me, sweetie," flatly announced the woman in red and wrapped in a dark cloak as she walked her way towards the fountain and sat herself next to the old man in the filthy cloak. "Can I sit here?" asked the woman whose face was smooth as porcelain and skin tanned to match the color of the shining desert sand.
"I think it might be rude to tell you now not to. What are you here for?"
"Oh, I was just in the area and thought I should take a gander of this quaint village."
"In the butthole of the world?"
"Well, I think that title is more deserving to better places, like the Bermuda Triangle. Or Cleveland."
"Cut the crap, I know why you're here."
"Oh do you."
"It's the end of the world and you're here to salt my wounds one last time, aren't you Lilith?"
"Well, I guess I can't hide it." Her ebony cloak fluttered slightly in the dead wind, "As long as I'm here, for what reason did you come to this drink of water in the- well, desert?"
"That's it? You could've died anywhere and nothing else would change. Why here?"
"Like you, Lilith, I was born here."
"Really? I remember being born in another village," she pointed her finger into the distance, "waaaaaaaay over there... I was just the cutest little boy everyone ever saw!"
"C'mon, Adam, we both know that we weren't born here. Spill the enchiladas and tell me why we're here."
"I'm here because I want to die. You're here because you're purpose on this world is to be an insufferable bi-" Lilith gave Adam five across the face. "Yah!" Adam winced in pain. "I see that you're still as perky as ever. What's your secret?"
"6 virgins a day," she joked, "not all at once, but as long as I get them, it works. But I'm serious, this hole in the sand isn't so special to us. For all we know, you could be spending your last days relaxing in tropical Hawaii or elder central in Japan! "
"Well, you can say that I'm waiting for someone special."
"Aw... I didn't know you still cared!"
"I'm not talking about you ageless she-demon."
"Oh come on, who can be more special than your wife?"
"You're not my wife, Lilith. We were never married."
"Oh yes I have!"
"Oh yeah, for a whole of 3 minutes before making a giant fit of it and leaving me."
"Technically that means we're still married."
"Technically that means we stand at having the world's briefest marriage. Followed by several couples in Texas."
"If there's one person in the world you can confide, it's your first wife."
"What was that?" Lilith asked, bending over to hear the old geezer better.
"I said, that if you remembered us being married, then you'll remember the day I'm talking about."
"Ah, yes. That day, our second birthday. That was so many lifetimes ago, but it seems just like it was yesterday that we were cursed."
"A simpler time. Before all of this bureaucratic cock and bull that we call a society." Adam, reminiscing all that time. "I forget how many years it's been. What was it? 6,000?"
"9,999 years, 363 days, and 14 hours."
"I'm not, Adam, I've kept count, it's been almost our 10,000th birthday. The big 1 and four 0's."
Adam looked up at the clouds. "It's funny," Adam added, "No matter how many times I look up at the clouds, not once have the shapes have been the same. Sure you get similar shapes, but never the exact same. In a way, they're kind of like people. You see a shape, and you just put meaning into it, even if you don't even know who that shape is."
"Are you still looking for him, Adam? The man that did this to us?"
"What do you think are the chances that he's still alive?"
"In our lifetime, we both know that the more cruel one man can be, the longer he can will himself to live longer."
"I can speak for myself, but you're not a bad person, Adam."
"I've lived long enough to sin so much that Lucy herself in Hell is salivating at the prospect of getting ahold of my eternal soul."
"Oh come on, that time where we sacrificed the platypus into endangerment to open a portal to hell shouldn't count."
"Perhaps." Adam paused and looked at the ground and sighed. "Lilly."
"Oh, now you decide to be friendly."
"You're my oldest friend."
"So tell me. Do you ever think about what happens after when we die?"
"You know the answer, Adam. I think about it all the time. But why are you asking me that?"
"The world is gonna end and for once, I'm actually scared of dying."
"Well, I have to go." The breeze was gentle on their skin, a kind embrace from the desert sun. "It was nice to talk to you again." Lilith then up and left, and the sun beat down harder.
That night, Adam checked into the villa and headed straight to bed, where he slumbered. Slumbered into a deep sleep. In that sleep, his mind began to wander the blackness of his subconsciousness, swimming through the sea of desires, instinct, and delve through the murky depths of control and pleasure. Suddenly his eyes opened wide.
Somehow, Adam had traveled back 10,000 years back into the past. The villa he was staying in ceased to exist and the desert just outside his window was a lush green paradise. Adam looked as his hands, no wrinkles, smooth as a fresh baby and skin gleaming like the desert sands themselves. Adam thought to himself, "Did I finally die and this is what heaven actually looks like?" He peered out the hole in the wall of his mud hut. No, it wasn't heaven, even he knew that heaven wouldn't have a stoning circle in the middle of the village and be it so empty that not even the tumbleweeds would want to roll across. Obviously he was dreaming.
"I guess I'll just ride this madness until the end of the world."
Just then, a voice in a sing song-y manner called out to the de-aged curmudgeon, "Aaaaadaaaam..."
Adam peered out his window again, the sing song-y voice belonged to a woman whose skin was smooth as porcelain and hair in long flowing ebony curls. "10,000 years," Adam whispered to himself, "and you haven't aged a bit."
"Adam, I know you're in there...
Get your lazy cooch outta dat bigger cooch before I rip you a new cooch ya giant cooch!"
"And still vulgar as ever I see." Adam then thought to himself, "If this is a dream then I can..." Adam closed his eyes and thought hard, willing out his heart's very desire. In a cloud of smoke,
Adam opened his eyes and appeared,
Nothing but a cloud of smoke and glitter.
"Oh," the disappointed young codger noted, "I guess even in a dream I can't have my six mini skirt Santas."
The door consisting of sticks and twigs barged open as it shattered into several pieces as Lilith kicked it open. "Yo! I've been looking for you all morning! What have you been doing?"
"C'mon Lilith! We were up all night drinking! It was the Solstice!"
"Ah, yes. Those were some pretty tasty virigns."
"Lilly, really?" Adam giving her a stern look, "that rumor perpetuated by the Chlorfors?"
Lilith shrugged, "C'mon, Adam. You're not gonna change their minds about us. We might as well have fun with it."
"Anyway, what's up? What's on our agenda today?"
"Well, there's a big event at the square today."
"Oooo, a stoning. What are we stoning today? A soothsayer? A thief? Or better yet a Chlorfor?"
"No, not a stoning, sadly."
"But it might turn into a stoning if things go south with this new guy! Come on!"
"Alright! Lemme get my smooth stones first!"
Lilith and Adam rushed out the door, hands full of stones as they rushed to the village square where they were met with a crowd of people awing at the marvel.
A shadowy male figure in a top hat, button-up shirt with his sleeved rolled up and suspenders stood atop a cardboard box, "Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! Welcome! Welcome! I can see that you're all excited to see me as I can see that you brought, what I can assume is money, to buy what I am selling!"
"Psssst! Adam, what's money?"
"I think that's just another word for stone in his language."
"It's a weird language he speaks."
"Better than what comes out of the Chlorfors buttholes."
The shadowy man continued, "I am here to bring you people out of the Stone Age and into an age of enlightenment several centuries ahead of time! And the best part, I'll do it for the low Low LOW price of free! Who can resist?"
A man from the crowd piped up, "Is enlightenment stronger than stone?"
"Absolutely! Even stronger than two stones!"
"What about three?"
"Three? Why not four? Or five?! Or as much as that couple is holding!" the shadow person pointed at Adam.
"Oh, I like you..."
The entire crowd oo'ed at the prospect of the charlatan having something stronger than an armful of stones.
"Yes." the stone-obsessed man piped up, "But what can enlightenment do if stronger than stone."
"I'm starting to think you might have a problem and need to seek therapy with this stone obsession. But I'll stick my money where my mouth is to show you." The man stuck up his hands a puff shot out of his hands. "Can your stone do that?!" The crowd was amazed.
"Yes. Watch!" The stone-man took two stones from the back of his loin cloth and banged together and lit a kindling in the streets. "See." The crowd agreed in unison.
The shadowy figure twirled his head, unamazed. "Well, if that's what you're at, then watch me go one step," he pursed his lips and held his fingers in front of his face and yelled, "BEYOND!!" Out bursted a stream of flames from his mouth in a swirl of colors matching the rainbow.
The crowd was in total shock! Several of them screaming out, "SORCERY!!" Others in disbelief that a man create such a feat! The stone-faced man was still unamazed by the lacking of rocks in his parlor trick.
"Wow..." awed Lilith, "This guy's impressive... He might be like a god or something."
"Pft, yeah right. A demi-god if he's lucky."
The shadow man announced, "I can tell from your faces that you think I may be sent from the sky! You are right, I came from the sky. But that's not important. What is important that today is your lucky day because you (or better yet your children) will have the chance to evolve to be able to wield such amazing powers such as I!"
"Not impressed!" yelled the rock man.
"You know what." The annoyed shadowed man pulled a piece from his hat and, BANG! "There! ANY MORE QUESTIONS?!!"
The stone maniac laid there. His stones laid shattered beneath in front of him.
"No. I believe you now." The crowd in further amazement that the stranger who came out of nowhere was able to shatter stone from afar!
"Any takers?" called out the man of mystery. Suddenly the crowd pushed and shoved towards the gentleman, begging for the power that fell their god. "Just call me, FATHER!"
"So, this is where it all began."
"What?" quipped Adam.
"This is how it started, didn't it?" Lilith asked.
"Yeah. It turns out if you show a bunch of monkeys a few tricks, you can get them to buy into anything."
"10,000 years later and that's still how they get their kicks."
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
"So what did you think of this stranger who just came strolling in like he owned the place."
"I'll have to be honest. I was impressed by the man. I thought him to be a god or some kind of higher being as a gift for all my kind deeds."
"Yes. Kind deeds such as trying to exterminate an entire race of people you know so little about."
"We were young! It was a different time!"
"What about a few centuries later and the Egyptians."
"And the Vikings too"
"..." Adam had cold sweat run down his cheek.
"I rest my case."
Adam sighed. "I've done a lot of wrong things in my life. But what that man did was even wronger."
Time moved forward as the verdant green sanctuary faded and a hole where the square used to be formed.
"Unknown to us," Adam continued, "we were all sitting on a literal gold mine."
"Good. Good. Keep going my children. Daddy loves you all." called out the shady woman flatly in a dead pan voice and demeanor, "You'll soon be reaching enlightenment."
"And then I can smash rocks with my mind?!" cried Adam as he stumbled out of the hole in the ground with a basket full of gold.
"Yes." the shady woman yelled apathetically, "Absolutely."
"Thank you Ms. Fur!"
"Oh please, call me Lucy. Now get back to harvesting the magic stones for the ritual! We're almost finished."
"It's hard to believe that all this weak stone is going to make us stronger!" said Lilith with a basket of crops in hand.
"We? Us? I'm the best worshipper here! I've collected more gold here than anyone else has! I'm the one getting super strong!" Adam retorted.
"And that's why you're His favorite," added Lucy.
"Would I lie?"
"I don't see why not."
"Then better get back to mining number one son."
Old Adam recounted, "I was His favorite. Toiling in the hot sun. I didn't know if that was because I was such a hard worker or something else. He favored me the most."
The sun plummeted as the waning moon took its place, day turning into night. As the other villagers were celebrating a successful harvest and the completion of stripping the entire mine in the ground, the curious young Adam visited the cardboard box in the village that constituted as the stranger's home.
"Excuse me," Adam called out, "Father, are you there?"
"Who is it?" He replied, "Adam? Is that you?"
The cardboard box open atop and He slowly rose out of it in his glory wearing nothing but a bath towel on his head and wrapped around his nethers. "Luckily you just caught me at a good time. What is it my son?"
"Um-" taken aback by how casual He was, Adam tried to his best to articulate his words, "Well, that is- um, I'-" he couldn't look at Him in the eyes without getting skittish.
Growing imaptient, He yelled, "Out with it my child, I got to blow dry and scrub my face. Daddy needs his beauty sleep."
"I was j-j-just wondering. I mean- ahem." Adam collected himself, "Father, the entire village appreciates what you've done. Thanks to you, we are now plentiful in food since we can store it for later in the cold boxes, our new homes are a much better improvement than the mud huts we were in as it's no longer cold at night and hot in the day, and we no longer fear invasion of the Chlorfor because of your wisdom. However," Adam took pause, "we were wondering when we will be given this 'enlightenment'."
He smirked. "You, my number one, will be receiving the Enlightenment soon!"
"Well aside from being a hunk of man meat," he said rubbing Adam's abdominal muscles, "you can practically cook chicken parm on these," he whispered.
"Being my favorite, you deserve to be the very first to receive my blessing. Imagine, being tall enough to stand above everyone in the village as their king!" Adam did like this, although he didn't know what king was, but it sounded awesome. "You like that, Adam? The power to rise above and be the one to start telling people what to do?"
"Good! Now why don't you go home and get some beauty sleep! It's a long day tomorrow!" He slapped Adam's back and sent him off. "Oh! before you go!" Adam turned back to hear what He had to say, "Is there anyone in particular that you like?"
Adam thought for a bit, "I dunno!"
"What about that girl you always hang out with?!"
"Is that her name?!"
Adam ran home and went to sleep, excited for the new day that was to come. Old Adam however, wasn't.
The next day, the entire village was razed. Some villagers say that it was an attack by the Chlorfors. Others say that He wasn't satisfied with their worth ethic decided to smite them all. A minority few think that someone forgot to extinguish one of the torches before going to sleep. Whatever the case, the gold was gone and the homes were nothing but dust in the wind and stood atop Him and Lucy making an announcement.
"My children, I know things look rough. We don't know the reason but we will find the one responsible for this I can assure you that. But in the meanwhile, we cannot let this setback affect us! Worry not, for a few kilometers away there is a new place we can stay. I call it the E-Den! So pack what's left of your stuff and haul ass!"
The journey was long and several villagers had died on the way due to thirst, hunger, and starvation; a lacking of packed lunches and bottle waters seems to be the cause of it. After several weeks they finally made it. The small village of around 100 others had suddenly turned to 64 by the journey's end.
"Okay, I understand that we had a few minor setbacks," He announced, "seems that I overestimated your resilience and prone nature to starvation and thirst, and heat, and cold, and just about everything. But we finally made it. The E-den!"
"Dear lord," piped Old Man Adam, "It looks like one of those gaudy amusement parks."
"It really does," Lilith retorted, "Shame that this was long before the invention of hot dogs. Man, I could go for some of those mega mart sausages. Oh wait." Suddenly a hot dog poofed into thin air. "God, mommy misses you so bad..."
"Hey, how come you can-"
"Shush... my soaps are on."
One by one the villagers all entered the E-den park. They were amazed by what they saw, a brand new lush paradise, bright colorful fruits in the trees and the bushes. The animals colorful and a shock to the villagers.
"Holy hell," cried Lilith, "I forgot this place had frickin' unicorns and fish people! Remember them, Adam? I wonder why we never saw them after the flood."
The unicorn snatched a villager away into the dense brush. The mermaid grabbed one of the villagers ankles and dragged them down into the deep pond. The muffle blood-curdling screams had the villagers walk a bit faster deeper into the park.
"Oh. That's why." Lilith taking a sip out of her soda cup.
Shortly, they finally arrived into the clearing of the park. Through the speaker of the park, He announced, "Welcome to the E-Den! I know the journey's been long! So help yourself! You're in paradise! So take care and I'll check up on you guys in a couple... days? months? weeks? It depends on my schedule. Okay, love ya! Bye!"
The displaced villagers enjoyed themselves for a good while in the artificial evergreen sanctuary. They played, the laughed, they sung, they found a sasquatch out in the woods and stoned it in the new square to christen their new home. It truly was a paradise. But it didn't last long. No matter what they did and where they went, they always felt that they were being watched. Within a month, villagers started to go missing. At first they thought it was the predators that were snatching people; a stray unicorn, a lion or tiger, a reverse mermaid walking on land, a disgruntled sasquatch looking for revenge, or a half lizard, half eagle, half tiger chimera that flies and breathes fire. But the villagers started to notice a pattern. Each night, one or two villagers would suddenly disappear. The few remaining villagers thought that they could stop these happenings in the night, tying ropes to each other, keeping watch at night, or spreading brightly colored berry juices on the floor to keep tracks. But no matter what, they could not stay up, no tracks, and one person always goes missing. Until there were two people left.
"Adam," Lilith called.
"Yeah, Lily?" The two huddling around an open flame.
"You remember the last day we were at the village?"
"The hot sun, the day spent toiling away collecting shiny stones, and the wonderful banquet at the end. I remember. It was amazing."
"The food was really tasty. So good that I fell asleep right at the banquet." She chuckled. "But before I slept, I saw you run over to Father's place. What were you doing over there?"
"No, just stuff."
"Did you mention the enlightenment?"
"What did He say?"
"I- I don't remember. He mentioned something about chicken farms and slapped my tummy."
"What's a chicken?!"
"Maybe it's what's been snatching us in the middle of the night." They both chuckled.
"You're my best friend, you know that?" Lilly told Adam.
"You're my best friend too."
They paused and stared at the fire and fed it a couple pieces of wood.
"How likely are we gonna survive the night?"
"I'll probably won't make it."
"I hope you don't make it."
"You're so terrible Lily."
"I know, and that's why you love me."
They chuckled and sighed. For a brief moment they forgot that they were alone and that a mysterious monster would eventually pluck one of them without warning.
Adam took a big breath. "Lily."
"What do you think happens to us when we die?"
"Mmm... I've never considered what happens when we die. What do you think happens?"
"I'm not sure, but I'd like to think that we get put in some kind of tornado that takes all of the bad stuff out of you and you become a baby again in another place."
"Why a baby?"
"Last I checked, people don't just happen out of nowhere."
"You don't know that."
"Okay, what do you think happens to us when we die."
"Mm... I got it. I like to think that when we die, we get to go up in the sky in live in some magical palace in the clouds and there's bird people."
"Not literal bird people, like people with wings and they can fly! And they have like, a bunch of eyes and heads and stuff! Okay, maybe not that, but it looks so beautiful and it's always sunny and shiny and everyone sleeps well because they're always sitting sleeping on those fluffy clouds."
"That does sound great. Can I change my answer?"
They took pause and watched the crackling fire, hungry for more.
"Does everyone get to go to your afterlife?"
"No. Only the good people."
"Where do the bad people go?"
"Mmm... In the pit."
"Like the one back in the old village?"
"No. Much deeper. Much hotter. And more goats."
"I hate goats."
"I know. That's why I put them there."
"Lily, do you ever think this is how things would've ended this way?"
"No. I always figured that I was gonna get stoned to death after getting framed by Mary."
"Lucky that Mary was the first one taken then."
"Lucky mermaid. What about you?"
"We are really obsessed with stoning. Why is that?"
"There's only 4 things to do in the village, eat, sex, sleep, and hunt. Aside from stoning and dancing, there's not much to do."
"Yeah. Ever since dancing became a punishable crime by stoning we really don't have much to do. Maybe the Chlorfors were right. We might be a very backwards people."
"Might. I'm not going to give them the benefit of the doubt."
The fire extinguished and the two panicked.
Adam yelled, "I'M SORRY CHLORFORS!! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!! YOU GUYS HAVE A BEAUTIFUL CULTURE! I ESPECIALLY LIKE IT WHEN YOU MAKE WORDS SOUND THE SAME AND- AND- Uh...."
"And HOW YOU CAN MAKE AMAZING MADE UP STORIES!!" Lilith added.
"YEAH! THAT TOO!"
"SO PLEASE DON'T KILL U-" Suddenly Lilith dropped to the floor.
"AAAAAAH!!!" I LIED! YOU CHLORFORS ARE THE DIRTIEST BA-" Adam dropped to the floor.
"Man," Lilith popped a popcorn in her mouth, "we make a cute couple. Why didn't we ever get together?"
"You're a crazy psychopath and I have father issues," replied Old Man Adam, "We would've made the perfect match."
"I know right!"
"I was being facetious."
"Well I can be a fascist too."
"Oh my god..."
Buuuurp... "Okay, the next part is starting"
"Can I get some of that pop-"
Lilith threw her popcorn bag into the void and wiped her hands. "Alright, let's get Act 3 started!"
"Are you actually-" Suddenly a flash of bright lights flood the scene. "Sunuvabitch! My eyes!"
The young Adam had awoken. Bright lights flooded his eyes, overwhelming him. He was naked and discombobulated. He looked left, nothing but white. He turned his head to the right, white. He looked up above, white. He looked below, white and what should be a floor but was instead a deep white bottomless empty void. Adam jumped and fell on the floor screaming, "H-H-HELLO?! IS ANYONE THERE?! H-H-HELP!!" Adam panicked, his adrenaline spiking, his body trying to leap out of his skin, oxygen trying to find their way out of his lungs only to find their way back in.
SPOOKY GOAT MAN?!!"
Then a load booming voice played in the white void. "HELLO MY SON!! DID YOU CALL FOR YOUR DADDY MAN?!!"
"Yes, my child! For I am here!"
"Where am I?"
"On the path of enlightenment of course!"
Trying not to look down, Adam let out an audible, "What?!"
"After going through multiple trials with the other villagers, I am happy to say that we finally perfected the process of enlightening you above these people!"
"What do you mean? What are you saying? Where's Lily?"
Oh! Lilith! She's fine...
She's uh- sleeping comfortably and she'll be right out soon."
"Can I see her now?"
"No! Now's not the best time. First you have to receive your gift!"
Is this not it?"
"No! Far from it!
But this is!" With a conk, Lucy knocked Adam out with swing across the head. "Lucy! You were supposed to use the needle! Not bonk him on his head! What if you would've damaged his brain?!!
Wait. Do it again!"
Adam blacked out before feeling the second blow.
Hot flashes of medical bags, syringes, scalpels, and bright lights as Adam went in and out of subconscious. Feeling immense pain at one moment and immense pleasure in another. One moment total panic, another total calm. A whirlwind of emotions and feelings, unable to vent them out. But one emotion overwhelmed them all,
Several hours of pain and torment had passed and the procedure was over.
"Wakey, wakey, Adam..." He called out. Adam opened his eyes, to see Him standing next to his body laid on the bed. "Happy birthday my boy... You've been reborn."
Most would feel relief after such an ordeal, others be would so knocked up on pain killers and anesthesia that they wouldn't realize what had happened. But what Adam went through, the pain never stopped. So the first word that came out of Adam's mouth was, "FATHER!!" albeit it was after two hours of screaming, "AAAAAHH!!"
"I see that my son is excited.
Let us celebrate with some cake.
LUCY!!" Lucy stuffed a slice of cake down Adam's piehole. Although Adam wasn't interested in eating Lucy's cake or it being shoved down his piehole, he could not argue that the cake sent him into a sense of euphoria so great he went to sleep; subsiding his rage for another time.
The next time Adam woke up, he woke up back in the park, covered in fig leaves and confused.
"I see that you've awoken, my son!"
"Welcome to paradise! (again). I understand that you're confused and maybe afraid. But fear not for I have fine tuned the E-Den to be your sanctuary! Anything you see is yours... Except that apple tree. Don't touch that or eat it because you will die. I know that it smells like cookies, but that's a glitch. We'll patch that later. In the mean time, I have a friend for you!" A slide opened from the wall and out slid Lilith. "It's your new mate for life Lilith!! Say hello!"
"Lily," Adam staring at his friend covered in fig leaves,"is that you?"
Lilith, with the confused look on her face stared at Adam from head to toe and said, "Uh-uh, no way. You can't do this to me." Immediately she smashed Adam's face with her fist and ran. "I'M A FREE WOMAN!
YOU CAN'T TIE ME DOWN!!
TRY AND CATCH ME, BEEYATCH!!"
"Lucy!" He called on the loudspeaker, "After her!"
"Roger." Lucy saluted and ran after the fugitive of E-Den.
"Now," He continued, "since that was a total failure, let's try that again..." The room filled with gas as a large claw grabbed for Adam. The blood-curdling screams shook the entire park that the harpies flew the coop and never returned.
"Now that I see it," Lilith commented, "that marriage was way shorter than three minutes."
"It wasn't even an actual marriage either," Adam replied.
"Technically He married us."
"We didn't even have the concept of marriage, much less understand the concept of monogamy."
"Doesn't matter, still married."
"Why did you even run in the first place if you're so gung ho about us being married?"
"I was naked and afraid and just got out of surgery didn't know what to do. I thought marriage was some kind of food and that he was gonna feed me to you."
"No. The drugs made me hallucinate and thought you were some kind of land fish and I really didn't want to be queen of the fish people."
Old Man Adam considered pressing her further but life's already too short.
Young Adam awoke again covered in fig leaves and confused and curled in the brush and he got up and suddenly felt a massive pain in his chest. Wincing the from the pain he fell back to the ground and pressed on his chest to suppress the pain. He felt something wet yet dry on his chest, and took his hand off of his chest and looked at it, blood. He felt around his chest again and found that the right side of his chest was softer than the other. Upon this realization he let out another blood curdling scream. The E-Den lost its entire population of sasquatches that morning; sadly this wasn't enough to convince anyone to construct a dome or a net to prevent further animal lost.
"You're finally awake!" He whimsically announced on the loud speakers, "Welcome back to the E-Den again!"
Adam yelled, "FATHER! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME THIS TIME?!!"
"Calm down my child!" He said trying to hold back his excitement, "For I've solved both of our problems!"
"IT HURTS SO MUCH!!"
"I am aware of that and it'll go away. (maybe.) (probably.) (actually I'm not really sure.) (Lucy, how's that extracting merpeople essence going?)"
"My chest! What did you do to it?!"
"Ah! Yes! That! Thank you for reminding me! I almost forgot about that. Well you see, being the most enlighten man animal on the planet, I figured that you would need the most most enlightened woman animal on the planet! Unfortunately the Delphinus are being very uncooperative so instead we opted to convert your mate Lilith into a compatible specimen! But last week she escaped the facility and let loose our unicorns into the wild. Worry not for we're on the verge of corralling the unicorns that have escaped before they consume the surrounding human populace. But in terms of Lilith, we fear that we might have given her a bit too much free will and have given up on capturing her entirely. Instead we decided to create the perfect woman from the perfect man! Hence why you're in such considerable pain!"
"Father, I don't know what you're talking about!" Adam still in much considerable pain.
"Where I'm getting at is..." Out of the same slide that Lilith popped out earlier slid out another woman, pale, confused, and covered in fig leaves before the fallen Adam. "I made you the perfect wife from one of your ribs!" Adam coughed up some blood. "Play nice kids!"
"Oh" He continued, "Speaking of kids. Make lots. My future kind of depends on you guys making a lot of kids."
The naked woman knelt over the keeled over Adam pressed down on his chest. "What's your name?" Adam coughed up more blood. She tilted her and smiled at him and said, "I don't know what my name is, but Father said that I would be the eve of the beginning."
"So," commented Lilith, "that's the tart you replaced me with?"
"It's not as bad as it looks." Old Man Adam replied, "Confused at first, she managed to nurse me back to health."
"Looks like He just built you a servant out of flesh and bones."
"Out of myself..."
"Is it considered incest or masturba-"
"Okay, fine. I guess I burned that bridge. Anyway, what happened after this."
"Oh you know, I got married, named some animals, and wondered where Eve found such nice clothes."
"Why would you wear clothes if you had the chance to walk around naked everywhere?"
"As someone who wears nothing under his robes, it's the chafing."
"Boxer shorts were a god send when someone invented them. But little did I know it at the time, Eve had become more enlightened than I and I wanted to know why."
The young Adam approached Eve who was toiling away at her loom that she had somehow fashioned. "Darling," Adam started, "I need to ask you something."
"Yes my dear," Eve responded while making a blanket out of sheep wool.
"I appreciate all these, 'clothes' you are making, but I want to ask, How did you make all of these?"
"Well, it's simple really. I took the knife and I-"
"What's a knife?"
"Oh, this is a knife." Eve presented Adam with the cutting tool forged from iron.
"How'd you make that?"
"Well I found these minerals and I put them in the crucible-"
"Yes," she pointed at the iron smithing workshop behind her, "that."
Adam was dumbstruck. "How did you come up with all of that?"
"I don't know. One day I was walking the woods and I got hungry and found this really shiny apple in a tree. It looked really yummy so I ate it. Then I fell asleep and suddenly I had these ideas! And started making things."
"All because of an apple?"
"Well, I think there was a giant snake involved too."
"Are you really doubting your wife, Adam?"
"I wasn't up until you mentioned the snake."
"Come, I'll show you. Just let me put out the forge before it burns everything down."
So Eve poured water over the hot coals and headed towards the tree where she had found the fruit. Adam was shocked. This was the very same tree that He had told Adam not to eat from.
"This tree, Eve?" Adam asked.
"Yup," Eve confirmed, "this is the tree."
Adam swallowed his spit and looked at Eve and the sense of dread had filled the young Adam. "Eve?..." he asked.
"Did Father tell you anything about this tree?"
"Hm? No. Why? Is this tree important?"
"Somewhat. How are you feeling? Faint?"
"Now that you mention it, my shoulders have been really stiff from making all of those clothes. I think I might need you to alleviate me some of that tension later tonight!"
"Eve." Adam put his hands on both of her shoulders, "Do you feel like you're going to die and you're just being too polite not to tell me?!"
Eve shoved the panicked man away, "What? No! Of course not! Wait. Why? Was it poisoned?!"
A disembodied voice from the tree called out, "No. It's not poisoned." Adam and Eve turned their heads towards the tree.
"Lucy?" Adam called out.
Lucy popped out of the bushes in a giant snake costume and adjusted her glasses. "Oh damn, how did you see through my disguise?" she said with no surprise.
"Why are you a giant snake?"
She explained with no enthusiasm, "Gathering statistical data of all the available local flora and fauna to report to the boss regarding ecological interactions between chimerical creatures and bioengineered creatures and their effect in the biomes." Adam and Eve stared at Lucy with great bewilderment attempting to make the impression that they understood a single word that was uttered. And failing. Miserably. "This tree isn't poisonous."
"Then what's so special that Father told me not to eat it specifically?" Adam asked.
"Basically a tree of knowledge." Lucy explained, "Eat the fruits and you get a boost in intelligence."
"Really? How come Father would not let us eat it?"
"Um..." Lucy paused suddenly remembering the one thing Adam wasn't supposed to do, "Because too much enlightenment would kill a man?"
Adam sunk his teeth into the apple and took a bite, "This is amazing. I like how the tartness goes into the nose and the sweetness spreads into the tongue. The apple is soft yet crisp, juicy but still crunchy. Mm! What was that about ki-" Immediately Adam convulsed and fell the to the ground. Rage again filling his body, the pain returning, his mind expanding, his body panicking as it remembered what was done to it.
When Adam came to, a few hours had passed, Eve sitting next to him. "Are you okay," she asked, "I was scared for bit."
"I remembered everything," Adam replied, "Every horrible thing that Father did. My family, my friends, all gone! HE TOOK THEM!"
"What? But Father is kind, he would never do tha-"
"ADAM!!" He called. The entire park went dark, dark clouds swirled and lightning boomed. "DID YOU EAT THE APPLE FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE?!!"
Fearing for his life, Adam replied, "No, Father! I did not!"
"THEN WHY ARE BOTH COVERING YOURSELVES IN CLOTHES?!!"
"Because they feel good!"
"BLASPHEMY! SO YOU DID EAT FROM MY TREE!" The wind howled and the twisters started to form. "ADAM!! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS!" Adam grabbed Eve and ran for the exit of E-Den. Eve, carrying as many apples as she can for the long exodus that will befall them in the desert. "I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?! I LOVED YOU! YOU WERE ME CHILDREN!!" The animals chased after the two, everything trying to snatch the new fugitives of E-Den reached out, from vicious drop bears to the majestic pegasi, to the flamboyant phoenix and the armless wyrms, and the quick jackalope to the slow stone golems, all in an attempt to capture and consume the traitors of His love. Unbeknownst to all, the entire park was lit ablaze! A fire had started in home of Eve and Adam's for the fire was not snuffed in their homes. "NO!! QUICK! PUT OUT THE FIRE BEFORE IT DESTROYS THE PARK!!" Immediately all the animals turned away from the fugitives and turned to the fire in attempt to put it out. Throwing themselves into the flames in an attempt to smother it but to no avail.
With a little luck, Eve and Adam had made it out of the park and was greeted by the deep dark sky. They turned back and saw their metal paradise set ablaze. Eve fell to her knees, seeing the home she once lived in slowly become a memory. She keeled over and tears flowed from her eyes. Adam did not understand these emotions his wife felt and sat next to her and held her in his arms. Watching the park become a smoldering heap and become dust in the wind.
"I was never certain if He survived," Old Man Adam recounted, "but I always felt his influence wherever I went. Perverting the world as he saw fit, with false promises and cheap gifts just so he can get his kicks."
"What happened after you escaped?"
"Not much, Eve and I settled elsewhere and had a few hundred children."
"A few hundred?!"
"We were both immortal and birth control and menopause were centuries away! Give me a break!"
"That must've hurt for her like Hell!"
"Calm down Lily, it several hundred children over a few centuries, not all at once."
"Still, that must've been hella painful!"
"Feel bad for me! The body was willing yet my spirit was not. I'm surprised that over the centuries you didn't have kids of your own."
"We both established that I'm not the mother type and more of a cool aunty, Adam. I love kids, but not having my own."
"Then why didn't you come and help raise my kids then?" Adam chuckled, "Would've saved me a few kids from killing each other!" They both laughed.
When the laughter subsided and all was calm, Lilith paused for a moment. "Adam, how did you find out that you couldn't die?"
Adam paused, sifting the sea of memories of that first moment. "I- I don't really know. I guess I just happened to figured it out after a century of living and not dying. I thought I was just really good a surviving."
"You? You couldn't figure out how to roast lizards without burning it without me!" she laughed, "Well, how was it to relive your youth again, Adam?"
"Terrible. It just reminds me how much of a gullible loser I was."
"So not much changed?"
"Shut it, Lily. I was a king."
"Well King, did you ever tell anyone what happened here?"
"When the kids up and left the coop, Eve and I traveled the world. Unfortunately they didn't take stones as legal tender so we traded stories in exchange for anything they could give us. Of course we embellished a little to keep things a little interesting."
"I'm surprised you didn't write a book."
"I couldn't since it was already turned to a play. I think they called it, Prometheus. I was in Central Asia at the time, so I couldn't do anything about it and never saw a cent from it."
Dawn broke through the dark sky. "I see that it's almost time," Lilith said. A cool breeze blew through the empty desert. "I like our little talks Adam. It was,
Lilith faded away with the gentle breeze, "I've missed you so much Lily, when will we meet again?"
Old Man Adam took a deep breath and then-
The morning sun beamed through the window. It was bright and inviting. He got up from bed and stepped out of the villa and outside to an inviting Eve sitting on the table reading a brochure, a place set for her and her ex.
"I see that Mr. Grumpy Pants finally got outta bed." said Eve.
Mr. Grumpy Pants formally known as Adam grumbled, "Good morning to you too."
"How was your sleep last night? Did you dream well?"
"More of a nightmare," he said and took a sip of tea.
"Mmmhm," she turned the page, "and too think that for once you might've had one good sleep before the end of the world."
She raised her eyebrow, "Yes, Adam?"
"What are you reading?"
"Oh, just this pamphlet of the villa, I want to see what I can do before the world ends, find a nice place to die before it all ends. I know you wouldn't care because dying anywhere would just be the same."
Adam thought about it for a moment and said, "That actually sounds nice. Would you mind if I actually joined you?"
Eve put down her pamphlet to get a good look at her grumpy ex-husband's face. She saw a face she hadn't seen ever since her last child finally grew up and decided to move out after 40 long years of being a NEET, Adam grinning. "Adam, are you okay? Tell me the day of our wedding anniversary if you're not."
"I'm fine, woman. I just-
I just want to spend these last moments with you.
Spending so much time alone, waiting, I just don't want to be alone when it all ends for real this time."
"Well. If that's the case, fine. But if you want a companion for the end of days, then I'll do it on one condition."
"You have to do everything I want to do, no if's and's or but's. No welping or complaining either."
Adam thought for second and asked, "Does this include the tandem bicycl-"
"Yes, including the tandem bicycling tour!"
"None of that if you want to come with me, mister!" Eve quipped.
The two spent the day together. They walked through the small garden; they toured the museum, which felt more of a walk down a perverted memory lane as they pointed out all the errors; they attempted to bike through the sandy desert that unfortunately nobody told them it was impossible, Adam peddling for dear life; and they stopped a top of a sand dune to watch the final sunset.
"This was nice, Adam," Eve clinging on the shoulder of her old flame, "I felt so young again."
"Me too," Adam retorted.
A soft gentle breeze blew in the wind again.
"Can I sit here," a familiar voice asked.
"Go ahead," Adam responded.
"Who're you talking to?" Eve asked.
"It's nothing dear," consoled Adam.
"Your wife's very beautiful, you know that Adam?" the voice told him.
"My wife's the most beautiful woman in the world," announced Adam, "she was molded by the gods and a gift from paradise!"
"Oh, Adam," Eve responded, "you just know the right things to say."
"I missed you so very much." said Adam.
"Me too," she said, "me too."
The sun descended into the horizon, closing out the day and opening the night as the full moon illuminated the night sky.
Suddenly a beam of light descended from the moon and dropped a cardboard box!
Eve and Adam were taken aback at the package from the heaven arriving.
Out popped out of the box was, Him.
"Father?!" Eve cried, "Is that you?!"
"Yes!" He confirmed, "It is I! Your Daddy Man! Here to take you home and to save thee from the end of the world!"
"You're not taking me alive!" Adam yelled, pulling out a stone from his underwear.
"You don't have a choice," He pulled out a gun, "Dead or alive, you're coming with me."
Adam's last thoughts going through his head were,
If there is an afterlife,
Did you wait 10,000 years just for me?"
Adam lunged at Him and the final sound heard on the planet was the crack of thunder and the world flashed and nothing happened.
That is to say, the entire planet exploded and then imploded and became nothing. Nothing happened. But due to the laws of physics, another planet named Earth took its place and were considerable worse than the previous tenants.