The Seeds Of The Past And The Rebirth Of Man

What made Akira cry was a young girl who could have been a middle or a high schooler for how hard it was to tell her age. Short brown hair surrounded a mature yet somewhat juvenile face, with two grey eyes that strangely emitted a vivid light that seemed to transmit her will to live and a smile that was way brighter than the sun and seemed to have the ability to illuminate an entire room by itself and to lift up the spirits of all the people that she encountered. Her body was wrapped in a normal sailor uniform that every school could have and didn’t valorise her body, even though it seemed that there was nothing to valorise, as if she hadn’t fully developed yet, apart from her smile, which in fact was made relevant also thanks to the whiteness of her uniform, which reflected the beam of light that her smile generated and acted as a repeater, propagating its presence to the entire room. Still, her body reserved a bad surprise to whoever watched her with interest: on the visible part of her body various scars could be seen, even though they seemed light enough not to have had any serious consequence on her health, but still they somewhat transmitted a feeling of pain and sadness that her smile tried to weaken, as if it served as a self-defence weapon. Then, she spoke to Akira, after he pronounced the name Makoto, the one that the assassin also pronounced to him when it escaped.

“I am glad to see that you still remember about her, but it would have made her happier if you forgot her and went on with your life”.

That voice was a just like her: a juvenile and happy voice which hinted a bit of maturity and sadness, just like the words she just said to Akira, even though it was obvious that that figure wasn’t Makoto, but only a personification of Akira’s conscience. Still, that image was enough to make Akira break and cry like he never did in years, even though he was still keeping his head high in order to contemplate Makoto’s figure, as if he was witnessing a miracle and wanted to impress it in his mind forever. Then, through the tears, Akira started saying something.

“Why… why do you have… to make me suffer?... Why… do I have to see her again?”. Then, with his head turned towards the floor, he started shouting against her, or, better, against his conscience “She’s dead! She’s never going to return back! So why… why are you making me see her again?! Why?!”

That was the moment when he heard a warm sensation coming from his head, as if a soft light had been deposed there. He looked up, only to see Makoto giving him a head pat in order to make him calm down, with a gentle smile on her face and her eyes locked on Akira’s face, which made Akira cry even more tears and make a long shout, as if to make her go away. However, that didn’t work, as Makoto was still there, giving her total attention to him. After a bit of time, or after an eternity, considering that Akira hadn’t any sense of time in that moment, his tears became fewer and fewer and Makoto made a step back, so that Akira could lift his face and see her normally. Then, his eyes fixated themselves on her scars, and a sour and sad smile came out on his lips.

“It is really sad that the last memory I have of her is with these on her body. I would have gladly liked to see the her of when we went to that theme park, or when we went to see that race near Mount Fuji. Instead… this is how I remember her”.

“I see you catch quickly, now that you have calmed down a bit” replied Makoto, looking at him with the same smiling face as before, as if she was trying to create the best environment for him so that he could relax. Then, she continued “That’s right, this is the image of Makoto that your mind has right now. Still, this isn’t how you last saw her, right? This is the image that your mind made so that you could cope with what happened, even though that didn’t really work out that well, unfortunately”. Then, Makoto turned around in the room and, giving her shoulders to Akira, said “It’s true, she’s never going to return here, but you already know that: that’s why you started isolating yourself, no?” Then, she made a lateral step and graciously turned towards Akira, and continued “My intention here is not to make you suffer, but it is to make you get over your past: for that, nothing is better than a shock therapy. And the most painful memory that you have is the one connected to her: that’s why you are seeing her again. My objective here is not to make you suffer, but to make you live: that’s what you want too, no? I am thou, thou art I: remember this, before replying to me”.

After those words, Akira stood a bit silent. Then, he asked Makoto “Where am I right now?”

“You are in a place between life and death, what humans normally call limbo. You are currently in coma, your brain is inactive: the doctors say that it is because of a poison on the blade of the knife that you took in your shoulder, but that is not true. You are here because your body and soul finally broke down, causing you to really fight for your life”.

“Was this caused by the fact that that hitman said things about my past?”

“In a certain sense: your worry that your past was still going to catch you even here made your soul break from the tension, and, subsequently, your body followed it in this comatose state. But that is not all”.

“Then what more there is?”

“You are struggling to keep the pain of your memories inside you. They are slowly draining you, and your entire being is on the verge of definitely breaking: if that were to happen, you would experience a total breakdown, which would result in certain death. What happened that night was just the straw that broke the camel’s back: you would have eventually reached that point in no time anyway, that just quickened things up a little”.

“And let me guess: if I want to live I need to accept my past?”

At those words Makoto’s head shook in denial “Unfortunately, that is not the case: that is surely an important step, but what you really need to do is accept it, get over it and understand that, if you want to live, things like that can still happen in the future. You can’t live a life without understanding that: there is no way to live a happy and secure life, everyone is a pawn of fortune, possibility and fate. You have to accept that you are going to be hurt again, to be betrayed again, to be hit again by circumstances, because only like that you are going to have relationship, to do things in this world, to have a life in general. Moreover, you can’t know what happiness, joy and benevolence really are if you have no idea about what sadness, pain and sufferance are: what you have been trying for years was to avoid the negative sides in order to reach alone the positive ones, but that is simply impossible. Now is the time you acknowledge this, and that is why I am here”.

Akira silently accepted the words that figure cosplaying Makoto said him: after all, he knew that they weren’t just made up words. It was him, and he was it, and those words just demonstrated that: when he decided to live his life alone, he did that so he didn’t have to hurt others and not be hurt by what they could do or what could happen to them. He lived like a soulless doll just because of that, because he refused to accept what life brings and takes from anyone who lives it: the more he thought about it, the more life just seemed like a roulette that, after a certain point, just decides to become a Russian roulette. After all, people are in the hands of fate even before they are born: their family, the place where they are born, all of these things aren’t decided by them, but by fate, fortune, or how you want to call it. Akira looked at Makoto right in the eyes and asked “Then, what do I have to do in order to achieve that?”

“You have to tell someone about all of your past: you need to make other people know what you have passed, so that you can be with people that understand and know you, without having the fear that, someday, things that they are not responsible for could come and reclaim their or your life. That will show you that you have accepted them and that you still have the ability to live in the world”.

“Then, what, do I have to tell you all about my life?” asked Akira, with an interrogative look on his face.

“It would be no use: I am thou, thou art I, remember? I am you, so I know you. No: what you need to do is to tell your tale to someone near you. After all, you have people near you that you can trust, no?”

At those words, faces and names came to Akira’s mind, but all of that was put in a second place when a practical problem arose in him.

“But, how can I talk to someone if I am in coma exactly because of that? I mean, if the only way to wake up again and not die is to talk to someone about it, and I can’t talk to you, then that means that it is impossible, no?”

That possibility made Akira lose hope: how could he possibly talk to someone if there was only a person there and it was literally a copy of himself? But that was when Makoto got near him and gave him a clip round the ear, like she did countless time when she was alive, and then looked at him right in the eyes from close

“You sure do not think that much, eh? What you need to do here is make up your mind and understand what you have to do. If you can’t come to terms with your own memories here, then that means that you are going to die: if you can, but then you decide not to tell anyone outside, you will surely fall into this state again, only that this time I won’t be there greeting you and you will surely die. However, if you come to terms here with your memories and then tell them to someone as soon as possible, then you will be able to live the new life that you really want to live. The only thing you need to have is the courage and the determination to face them and accept that the pain and sadness you felt could come again searching for you. In a few words: you just need to get your past off your chest and share it with people that can help you go on”.

Then, unexpectedly, Makoto put one of her hand on Akira’s cheek and then quickly kissed him on his lips, with a passionate French kiss that awakened in Akira feelings that he thought were dead since a lot of time ago and that made him feel all warm inside, like someone put his heart on fire. A thing that someone effectively did back in his reality, before she disappeared. After some seconds the two of them separated, but Makoto still stayed close to him, and then said to him, taking his hand in hers, “I know that you can do it, Akira. I see fire burning in your eyes, a thing that didn’t happen since a lot of time. Now, use it to free yourself from these chains, and fly to your new future: we both know that Makoto would have wanted that, as much as all the other people that I represent and that I am sure you can easily tell me who they are”. Then, Makoto went and sat down on one of the chairs, inviting Akira to sit on the other. When he did that, magically a cup of tea appeared in front of him and Makoto, with a tea as red as blood that strangely Akira found inviting. He drank it, and then memories started flowing into his mind: his parents, his gang, the thing that happened to him that he thought he had forgotten started reappearing in his mind like new flowers that take the place of the old ones that have already been picked up or died because of the weather. What that wave of memories caused in Akira was a feeling of anguish and pain that made it hard for him to breathe, but, when he thought that he was going to pass out from exhaustion, Makoto’s voice brought him back from his memories.

“Come on, Akira, those aren’t the only memories you have. Don’t you remember when we went to the Fuji circuit to see that race? Or when Eduardo and Hana married and we were there, together with the others?”

That was when that flow of memories started assuming a strange turn: if at first they were only bad memories that made Akira remember the evil around him, this time a new flow of memories started, parallel to the first one, but, this time, those memories weren’t anguishing or painful: on the contrary, they were enjoyable. He remembered the first time he saw Makoto, the good times they spent together, the moments of peace with his friends, or better his family, of the gang, the peaceful moments in the evening he passed alone along the river looking at the water that had taken the colour of the sunshine… All of these memories started overshadowing the bad ones, the one about homicides, deaths, about people who got lost along the way, until the two rivers united themselves in a large river of memories, rapid like an impetuous waterfall and at the same time calm like a lake during a cloudless night. That river seemed to have found its balance, its equilibrium, because there was no strong emotion in that: every negative emotion was counterstroke by a positive one, for how weak it was, which made the memories flew into Akira’s head with an unusual tranquillity, a different calm from the one that normally Akira had experienced. The calm that Akira felt was like the calm before the storm, a glacial calm that was just the interlude for a violent or indifferent reaction: instead, the calm he was feeling right now was like the one someone has when he is at peace with himself, like a monk that, while meditating, reaches a moment when his mind is totally clear and feels one with the world, in peace with every being of the universe. While he was experiencing for the first time that feeling, he continued drinking his tea, until nothing remained of it: however, when he put the cup down, he noticed that now inside the cup there was a transparent liquid, like if someone had substituted the tea that he just drank with a cup full of vodka. Still, after seeing that, Akira slowly closed his eyes, still enjoying that pleasant feeling that he apparently had never experienced during his life. Then, that feeling slowly started to disappear, until the only thing he could hear was the silence that surrounded that place: that was the moment when he opened his eyes. He slowly turned towards Makoto and saw her smiling wholeheartedly at him, which brought him back memories, this time pleasant ones.

“What I drank just now… those were my memories, right?” asked Akira to Makoto, with a smile not as wide as Makoto’s one on his face.

“Correct. You saw how red they were, right? That was because of the amount of negative emotions that you stored there: but, together with those, you also sealed away the few happy memories that you had because they were connected to people that were linked to bad memories, so they got sealed together. It’s just like Pandora’s box: you have awakened to a lot of negative thoughts, but, at the same time, to a good thing. You have awakened all of your memories, and you have received life back. As you can see, now the liquid is transparent: that means that there is nothing now that you are sealing away from you”.

The two of them stayed still for a bit, smiling and looking at each other for a while like a couple of newlyweds that weren’t used to see each other at the morning, then Akira spoke up “Ok, so now what? Do I need to wait for, I don’t know, for something to happen before I can go?”

Right when he said those words, the closed door right on the wall behind Makoto opened, showing a passage to a dark space with two little flames – probably will-o’-wisps - that served to illuminate the path that started from there. In that moment, Makoto looked at Akira with a proud look.

“You did it”.

“Did what?” asked Akira, confused and amazed by what happened.

“You did the last thing you needed in order to return to your life. If you didn’t ask to get out, but instead tried to pass more time with me here, you would have been lost, drowned in memories: now you are free”. Then, Makoto got up and approached the door, stopping herself a few steps before the entrance. “Now, go: you have been given another chance, one that many people would like to have but that unfortunately is not given to whoever needs it. From the bottom of my heart and of those who died around you: please, use it wisely, and live the life that you should have lived in the real world”.

Akira took those words as a farewell from Makoto and stood up, starting heading towards the door. When he arrived in front of it, he put a foot behind the door, and then the other, but nothing happened. Then, he took a step forward, and that’s when something effectively happened: another couple of will-o’-wisps appeared at the side of the path, illuminating it a bit more, which made Akira understand that he needed to walk that path, if he wanted to wake up. Before departing, he turned towards the door: Makoto, or, better, his conscience cosplayed as Makoto was still there, smiling at him. Akira still needed to say something to it.

“Hey, conscience: thank you for making me see Makoto again. Now I really feel like I can go on without leaving nothing behind me”.

Then, he turned behind, as he started to walk the path that was slowly illuminating itself every step Akira took, while the figure of Makoto was waving at him, bidding him goodbye for a last time. Then, Akira adventured himself even more in the darkness, until Makoto wasn’t more visible. He walked for an indefinable amount of time, until he started seeing a white light, which became even brighter the more he got near it, until that light exploded, surrounding him and the darkness around him with its warm embrace.

Samai was still in Akira’s room, in the municipal hospital, waiting for him to recover. The situation was stable, but, still, it surely wasn’t normal: the doctors hadn’t identified the poison yet and Akira wasn’t improving at all. With that day it was exactly three weeks since Akira had lost consciousness, and the doctors were starting to lose hope, contrary to Samai and Priscilla, who were still sure that he was going to recover, and, in general, the Natò family. Samai had been with Akira since the first day, also because Priscilla couldn’t be with him, so she was there in her place. But that wasn’t the only reason: she felt something for Akira, something she couldn’t describe and didn’t even know since when she felt… However, while she was thinking about those things, she heard some rumbles coming from the bed, hearing which she immediately stood up and went near it, looking at Akira. That was when he slowly opened his eyes and, at first, he couldn’t see anything, as he was blinded by the light that his eyes didn’t receive for a lot of time, then they started habituating themselves to the light and investigated the room, before falling on Samai, which in the meanwhile was crying what seemed to be tears of joy. Then, he tried to speak, failing at first, but then he succeeded in calling her, at which Samai replied with a simple yet filled with emotions “I’m here, Akira, I’m here”. At that point Akira, making use of all of his forces, said to her “Samai, I have something to tell you”.