Chapter 29

Nina

TW: Suicidal thoughts

Dear diary,

It’s late, and I should already be in bed, but I cannot sleep. I came home from the exhibition earlier, and I do not know what I can tell you about it. It wasn’t as I had expected but far worse than anything I could have imagined. I should have researched it beforehand to know what I agreed to, but I didn’t, and so this became the outcome.

As you can see, my decisions never lead me right, and this turned out to be no exception. If only I had listened to myself, I would have learnt this lesson a long time ago. But I didn’t, and now, the life I imagined for a moment to be within my reach is all but gone. There isn’t much left, and I concede that this will be my life from now on. I can see no other option.

The evening was all so crowded and noisy, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Is this what I have become? Is this what my life now is? It does not surprise me, my life is no longer what it once was, I cannot …

I put the pen down and stared out the window. The streetlights formed blurred dots as the tears rolled down my cheeks. What was I doing? What had become of my life? If Mother and Father could have seen me, they would never have believed it. This is not what they envisioned for me, but then, they could never have imagined what would befall them because of my decision either. What did I have left? On my own, with no friends and nothing more than a job I didn’t need and a flat I rarely left.

I got up, leaving my diary on the desk. It was already late, and the city would be asleep. I slipped out of my dress, put on more comfortable clothes, and walked out the door.

What had become of my life? I slowly walked down the street. I had left so many chances in my life, leaving a trail of possibilities in my wake. And those I had taken had gone down the drain. Was this the end? Was the inevitable finish line drawing closer? There wasn’t much left if Mel was no longer within my reach.

I turned left, barely aware of where my feet were taking me. I could hardly remember the dreams I had once had, and it was long since any new ones had formed. A life without dreams, without hope. It wasn’t what I had envisioned for myself as I stood on the doorstep that day, telling Mother I would be home for dinner. I did get home, but they did not.

I heard footsteps drawing closer, and I quickly crossed the street. For so long, I had forgotten what it meant to have a friend until Mel came into my life. It had been a foolish dream, but it had woken something in me I had thought was long dead. Maybe it hadn’t been for me, maybe it never had.

I halted as I came out on the bridge. This is where my feet had taken me. I stared down at the black water. Was this it? Was this what was left once the decision had been made and the accident wiped out what could have been?

I thought back on the posters that had once hung on the walls of my childhood bedroom. Dogs… Cats… A veterinarian. That had been my dream. It had died when the car slammed into the tree. No more decisions, no more accidents.

I jerked back.

“I’m so sorry!”

A man bent down to pick up what he dropped when he bumped into me. I hadn’t even seen him. He hesitated for a moment as he stood up, then gave me a smile.

“Have a good night”

He continued down the bridge. Have a good night. There had been no good nights since that evening, no peaceful days or quiet mind. Only despair and a determination never to repeat my mistake. And this is where it ended.

My phone pinged. I hesitated before taking it from my pocket. It was Mel.

Hey, I just came home. Hope you are alright. Sorry for all the bastards.

That was it. I put it back in my pocket, but my hand refused to release its grip on it. Mel. She was the only one who had brought any kind of hope into my life in all these years. The only interesting person who had wanted to stay in touch. Is that what I let go of? Is that what I was willing to give up?

I stared down at the dark waters, and slowly, my hand released its hold of the phone. I turned and continued walking down the bridge.