Orbital Asspull

Let me make one thing clear: a lot of people got on their knees and gave oral sex to an objectively grotesque guy. In fact, that’s exactly how many people ended up in positions of power. Of course, before reaching the 'position of power,' they usually pass through the previous position: 'biting the pillow.'

Yeah, I know, I know don't even say it… I’m doing it again, am I? Getting too deep inside my own head, but I’m fucking sick of some idiot always showing up to get in the middle of the things I need to do.

“Take your clothes off, come on fatass, I don’t have all fucking day.”

“Huh? W-what are you gonna—”

“Take your fucking clothes off or I’ll open a third eye right in the middle of your goddamn forehead,” I said, cocking the hammer of my gun. “You, generic maid, take that shitty collar off and put it on him.”

Obviously the situation was way, way beyond this girl’s tolerance threshold. I didn’t know if she was going to faint, have one of those panic attacks that are so trendy these days, or just drop dead on the floor. Even so, shaking like she was under an ice-cold shower, she took off the collar and held it between her hands.

“H-Hey… come on, man… I was just joking, eh…” Johnny didn’t know whether to look at the barrel of my gun, my face, or the collar the girl was holding... though if you gave me money to bet, I’d go with the last one.

“Shut your fucking mouth. And you, put the damn collar on him already, you two are giving me a headhache,” I said, scratching my head with the edge of my gun.

The collar was way too tight on him, he looked like a toad inflating its throat, but honestly I didn’t give a damn. I gave the chain a little tug just to make sure it wouldn’t come off, then handed the new 'reins' to the girl.

“Perfect, Johnny—on all fours.”

“WHAT!?”

“Get on your hands and knees, you fucking idiot,” I said, slapping his shoulder.

Let’s recap:
A guy with a gun in an alley—pretty suspicious.
A guy with a gun in an alley and a girl dressed as a maid—yeah, red flag.
A guy with a gun in an alley, a girl dressed as a maid holding a chain that’s attached to a fat naked guy on all fours… well, I’d say this is a scene straight out of the head of someone who’s a complete sick fuck.
And you know who I’m talking about.

“Alright… uh… well… I don’t know, have fun or whatever, I don’t care…” I said, walking past Johnny, but before heading to the door I had a funny idea. So I crouched a bit, reached into my pocket, and shoved a grenade in his mouth. “Johnny, if I were you, I’d clench those teeth real tight if you wanna keep having a head,” I whispered in his ear, pulling the pin.

“YOU HAVE A FUCKING GRENADE IN YOUR POCKET!?” The girl had clearly reached the point where her brain could keep processing the situation. Normie…

“Surprisingly, sometimes I have exactly what I need depending on the situation. Isn’t that curious? Well, it is to me, at least.” I stood up, pointed at the chain. “Don’t pull too hard, or this fatass is gonna blow right above the clouds, hell he might even give you an actual corpse paint… or pull it, I don't know, I really don’t care…” Said, holstering my gun and waving my hand as I crossed the threshold.

I thought the atmosphere would be more interesting I guess? But you know… aside from a few cool stands it was just people screaming fake Japanese and hordes, because I can’t find another word to describe those orc-like crowds chasing cosplayers.

“Why the hell did you take so long, Hiro?”

Aya was completely in character, while talking to me, she was offering drinks to everyone passing through the hallway.

“Because you left me with that fat idiot.”

“Johnny?”

“Yep… wait, no. Hold up, how the fuck do you know his name?”

“He’s kind of a friend of mine. I knew you’d be kinda anxious about this whole plan, so I told him to play a little prank on you. Soda?” she said, offering me a bottle.

“A-ah… I see…” I muttered, taking the bottle.

“Hmm... I don't like that tone... What did you do Hiro?”

“Huh? Nothing, nothing. Weren’t we supposed to find the informant? What was her name again… uh…?” I opened the bottle. No fizz. I hate opening soda and not hearing that sweet pssst.

“Haru. She just finished her novel, so she should be in her st—” Before she could finish the sentence, a huge 'boom' came from the alley door. “What the fuck was that, Hiro!?”

“A toad, probably…” I said, dropping the bottle and grabbing Aya’s wrist, forcing her to walk. “Come on, mission, mission, remember?”

“... A toad, huh?”

“A toad.”

“Hiro…”

“Yeah?”

“What happened to Johnny?”

“I stripped him naked and put a grenade in his mouth.”