Dead Fish

Days went by like a song that was forever stuck on the outro; fading but still repeating. I was trapped in the prison of my mind, unable to move my body. What day was it? I couldn't remember.

My head hurt, and my stomach also hurt, but for separate reasons. No, when I thought about it, it stemmed from the same reason, but what differed was what caused it. My head hurt from crying too much, which was making me dehydrated. And my stomach hurt because I hadn’t eaten for who knows how long.

Lena was gone. For the second time. This time, she went away even though I put so much effort into getting closer to her.

We did get closer, but all of a sudden, an unimaginable scenario happened, sending me back farther than where I’d first started.

She didn’t want to see me anymore. Stating this fact in my head for the thousandth time didn’t make the blow lighter at all. Why did I keep saying that? To trample even the slightest of hope that I might get to see her again, I assumed.

If I were to say that I wish we hadn’t gotten closer, that would be a lie. The time I spent with her was like a dream come true, but now I had to wake up from a sweet dream and face reality. A reality without Lena.

The sound of a doorbell echoed across the silent house. I didn’t care enough about who they were or why they were in front of my door; I was tired from doing nothing, so I didn’t get up to answer the door.

The bell rang once more, this time followed by the sound of the door clicking open. It took me a second to realize this fact, and once I did, my eyes immediately shot open, only to be blinded by the living room light that got turned on.

I moved my hand out after my eyes adjusted to the light, revealing Cole to be the person who came in.

Seeing him set me at ease, so I put my arm down.

“Why are you lying on the floor in the dark?” He stepped closer, in his hand a plastic bag filled with what I assumed to be food, wrapped in white wrappers, judging from the delicious smell coming from it, which made my mouth wet and my stomach rumble.

“I don’t know...” Was what I intended to say, but the noise that came out sounded more like an unintelligible sound that a dying raccoon would make.

“How long have you been staying inside?” He said after he looked around the living room.

That was what I assumed he did, anyway. Because I knew the state of my living room would raise at least a question or two for him. Cups of instant noodles, cans of alcohol, empty wrappers, all over the place. Misplaced pillows, disarranged furniture, all kinds of decorations sitting on the floor. Anyone who saw this would know that something went down in this room.

“I don’t know...” I repeated, this time more intelligible. “Why are you here?”

“You haven’t been answering your phone. I messaged you saying that if you don’t answer my message, I’m coming over.”

“Ah...”

Back when I was in a manic state, I was about to break my phone because I saw the wall of unreplied messages I’d sent to Lena and got pissed off at how much it hurt that she ignored me and how pathetic I was for continuing to message her despite knowing that. But thinking about how I had to go out and buy a new phone, set it up, transferred all my old data onto the new one, I decided to dismantle it all while screaming insults at it, and put away each part separately. Right now, I couldn’t even remember where I put them.

“I bought some beef kebab in case you haven’t eaten yet.” Cole held the bag over my head, partially blocking the blinding living room light from flashing into my eyes.

Smelling the nice aromatic smell made my stomach growl again.

“That’s some growling. When was the last time you ate?”

“I don’t know...” I hauled myself up into a cross-legged position and received the bag from him.

Staring at the bag, I recounted how many times the sun had set and raised and set again, but my jumbled mind made it hard to estimate how many cycles had passed.

“Like... two days? Three?”

Cole sighed.

I grabbed one of the kebabs from the bag. Feeling its heat seeping through my skin and its smell flowing into my nostrils incited my hunger, so I hurriedly unwrapped it before taking a huge bite. The ground beef’s saltiness contrasted well with the tangy white sauce, and the chopped lettuce added a nice crunch that made it fun to chew. I hurried my chew, gulped it down and bit more of it.

“Slow down.” He handed me a cup of water.

I took it from him and downed it in one go before continuing on my kebab.

“What happened?”

“...Stuff,” I said with my mouth full of food.

“Is it because of that article?”

My shoulders flinched, and I stopped chewing. Hearing those words reminded me of the last day I saw Lena; I’d asked her the same question back then, hadn’t I...

I gulped down my food and nodded.

“Tell me what happened.”

I recounted what happened as I ate. How Lena started ignoring me, how I kept trying to reach out to her, how I was finally able to talk to her, only for it to end with me finding out that she didn’t want to stay with me anymore. I thought that my tear duct had dried out already, but as I retold the story to him, I found myself shedding light tears again as I reached for another kebab to fill my stomach.

“I see,” Cole said tersely.

I’d always appreciated his simple and matter-of-fact response, but right now it sounded cold, and it was making me paranoid that he thought of me as a burden.

I gulped down the last chunk of kebab, as well as that anxious thought.

“Aren’t you going to say something like how stupid it is to cry over some girl like a moody teenager?” I joked to conceal my unpleasant thoughts.

“Why? She’s important to you, and you lost that important someone. Of course, being sad is expected.”

When he put it that way, I guess it made sense.

I lay down again after I finished eating.

“Uncle, have you ever lay on the floor?”

“Not voluntarily, no.”

“Have you ever realized how hard the floor is?”

“I’m feeling it with my feet right now.” He tapped the floor with his foot.

“It’s different with your whole body. I can feel it on every centimeter of my skin that touches it. Cold and hard. Putting myself here feels like I am punishing myself.”

I paused. The faint taste of beef kabab still lingered in my mouth. It tasted strangely similar to the Italian sandwich I had that day.

“I shouldn’t have dragged her into this. I shouldn't have let my guard down. I shouldn’t have urged her to kiss me.”

Cole sat down next to me, cross-legged.

“It's not your fault, Rachel. It's those people who take your pictures without permission just because you are famous. It’s those journalists who turn your private life into stories for money.

“In a perfect world, you wouldn’t have to deal with people using your life as entertainment.”

“Well, it's not a perfect world, so I should've done better to protect her and myself.”

I paused.

“What else would it be like in your perfect world?”

“In my perfect world, my niece would be out on a date with her girlfriend right now.”

“She's not my girlfriend.” I smiled.

I felt bad for doubting his care for me. But I couldn’t trust anything after what happened back then. Lena had taught me that I had no way of truly knowing what was inside a person’s head. I thought that everything was going fine because of how well we were getting along, but the next thing I knew, she cast me away.

I looked at Cole and recalled the long years I spent with him. If he was tired of dealing with me, he wouldn’t have checked up on me like this. I was an adult now, not a child who needed to be taken care of. He didn’t have to come look for me unless a major job opportunity was coming my way.

When I recognized that fact, I guess I was able to allow myself to trust him. Or maybe I was looking for an excuse to trust him, just like how I did with Lena back then...

I took a breath and sat up straight. I was half-awoken to reality, and now I needed to take another step.

“Is there any work that came in?”

“Are you planning to work in this state?”

“I think it’s better for me to work. Keep my mind from itself, you know?”

“You’re surprisingly rational, huh?”

‘If only you saw me when I was having an episode...’

“There’s this...” Cole pulled out his tablet and showed me the emails.

I looked through the list of work. There were no words from major productions or a plan for adaptation of a well-known series that would have him coming over to tell me; they were just the usual shows that were looking to use my appearance for free exposure.

Cole had always hated that I went for them, so why would he be here in a hurry? Did my sense of time get so messed up that I locked myself here for months without realizing?

“I thought you came here because there was something big for me to do, but what is all this?” I asked and waited for his answer.

“When I saw that article, I knew that something would happen. And when you didn’t respond to my texts, I knew I was right.”

I was surprised by his answer. There was barely any information for him to make that prediction, but he hit the bull’s-eye anyway.

“How did you even guess something like that?”

“You’re the type to keep trouble to yourself until you explode.”

I stared at him in disbelief. I knew that I had that trait, but I never expected it to be pointed out like this.

“What? You think I didn’t notice? I’ve taken care of you since you were nine, you know?”

Cole paused for a moment and sighed.

“I knew that there was something going on, but I still didn’t do anything but wait until you exploded. I should’ve checked on you... I’m sorry.”

I smiled, feeling his sincerity.

“It’s not your fault that I didn’t talk to you. Thank you for being with me, uncle.”

Talking to Cole distracted me from my grief, making my mind a bit lighter. But once I stopped talking, I soon realized that the moment he stepped out of that door, I would be alone with my thoughts again, and they would try to devour me whole. I couldn’t even take care of myself while I was drowning in my own misery, living alone might not be a good idea anymore.

“Hey... This might be selfish of me to ask, but... can I move back in with you?”

“Sure.”

My eyes widened as I turned my gaze to him, surprised that I didn’t need to provide a reason when I was expected to.

“Are you sure? You have a son to take care of, right? Wouldn’t I be in the way?”

“Are you saying you’re harder to take care of than a five-year-old?”

“What if I am?”

“You’re paying me, so I have to do it.” He smirked.

Hearing his sarcastic answer made me laugh.

“Thanks, uncle.”

My mind still yearned for a deep slumber, but there was no longer a dream to find. Choosing to wake up and face the reality would be hard, but with people like Cole and Emily supporting me, I was sure that I could do it. I might not be able to forget the good time I spent with Lena, but that too would heal and become a scar that I rubbed as I reminisced the bygone days.