A Cold Winter

I haven’t been talking with Rachel at all after a news article about our date came out. The last time I spoke to her was when she came over to get her house key, which was almost a month ago.

I’ve been doing a great job at keeping my distance from her, focusing on my work, watching movies and playing games in place of the time I spent with her.

I did miss her a lot while I was doing that. Oftentimes, I would catch a glimpse of Rachel’s message popping up on the upper corner of my phone, my eyes would linger on it, almost tapping it, but I was able to endure the temptation.

The news spread like wildfire as I’d expected. All sorts of news outlets hopped on the trend, digging up her past to find the identity of the woman in the photos, and speculating over Rachel’s sexual orientation like an everyday topic. But since Rachel’d never made a statement about it, the momentum soon died down, and the world moved on.

That meant that right now was a good time to reconnect with her. For now, let’s start off by texting her back. I was still scared to be seen with her because I suspected that there might be some paparazzi following her around.

“Anyway, that’s about it. How’s things on your end? Finally start dating Rachel?”

“No! Not yet...”

Right now, I was out for a drink with Kayle. She’s been inviting me out nonstop after that article came out, but I’d declined every time because back then, I was paranoid that someone would recognize me somehow.

The first week after I read that article, I couldn’t step foot outside of my house at all. As days went on, I slowly gathered back my courage, allowing me to stay outside longer and longer. And finally, now that things started to go more quiet, I gained enough courage to accept Kayle’s invitation, though I still felt a little skittish, thinking to myself that someone was watching me from places I couldn’t see.

“I’ve been putting some distance away from her.”

“What? Why?”

“Well... I was in those photos as well, right? So if someone sees me with her, they would be able to identify me.”

“I guess it makes sense...” Kayle took a sip of her beer. “Did you two plan that out?”

“Not really.”

“So you’ve been avoiding Rachel and didn’t tell her why?”

When she put it that way, it sounded bad, didn’t it... I gave her a slight nod as I felt a sharp guilt stabbing my chest.

“Oh my God, Lena... Why would you do that?” Kayle kneaded her forehead with her fist. “I know that you’re scared, but why didn’t you at least talk to her?”

She took a huge chug of her beer and wiped her lips.

“Did she even try to talk to you?”

“Yeah, she texted me. She even came over, twice, I think, but my mom turned her away.”

My parents eventually found out about the fact that I’d kissed Rachel, not from the article itself, but from seeing me locking myself in the room more than usual and flinching whenever they talked to me out of the blue.

When they asked me what was going on, I told them everything, what we did in Florence, how I felt about her, the article about us and how I’d been dealing with it. They were understanding and took in my words without any issue.

One thing I didn’t expect to happen, however, was when Rachel came over to see me. I didn’t expect my mom, who answered the door, to give an excuse on my behalf. She told Rachled that I was busy with work and couldn’t come out to see her. Rachel insisted on waiting until I was done with my work, but my mom was firm with her words, and she eventually left.

“Oh my God... Oh my God...” Kayle groaned as she buried her head in her palm.

“Do you not think she’ll be hurt by this when you’re avoiding her all of a sudden?”

No doubt she would be. Who wouldn’t be mad when their friend suddenly started distancing away from them? I knew that she was mad when one day she called me five times back to back, but I didn’t answer any of them. After that day, she never called me or texted me.

I really felt bad that I had to do that to her, but it was necessary for us. Though, me not telling her was definitely my fault, one hundred percent. After I finished drinking and returned home, I should message her back. Maybe I would go to her place and give her something nice as an apology.

“What do you think she would like as an apology?” I asked after a sip of my beer.

“I don’t know. Shouldn’t you know that?”

Yeah, she was right. I should think it over when I get home.

We stayed at the pub for thirty more minutes before we parted ways. Despite being stressed for almost a month, I didn’t drink much; just two pints of beer, so I was barely tipsy.

As I was making my way back home, I saw a brown-haired person whose height was eerily close to Rachel’s, causing my body to freeze instinctively. This started happening after the whole spiel. Usually, it would fade away by itself, so there wasn’t much trouble when it happened.

However, when the woman’s face turned over, I soon realized that it was the real Rachel this time. I broke into a sprint immediately, running in the opposite direction of where she was.

Huffing out cold clouds as I ran, I noticed the sound of footsteps behind me, moving at a constant speed and volume. Someone was following me. And so I sped up without looking back.

Being an unathletic shut-in that I was, my stamina was completely drained after a five-minute sprint, causing me to stumble over nothing, and I fell onto the ground.

The person who was following me approached; it was indeed Rachel, just as I’d guessed. I looked at her as I sat on the ground, legs burning, knee bleeding, I couldn’t run anymore. She offered her hand to me, I looked around to see that no one was around, and I accepted.

After she pulled me up, she didn’t let go of my hand.

“Why did you run?”

My lungs were on fire. I couldn’t answer her.

“Why did you run away from me?” Rachel asked, her brows knitted in anger, her voice laced with a hint of desperation.

“Why won’t you answer your phone? There’s so much I want to talk to you.”

“I–”

“It’s because of that article, right?”

My widened eyes stared back at her.

“The one that has our photos in it. Isn’t that why you’ve been avoiding me?”

Feeling her anger directed towards me made me freeze. I stood still, letting only visible clouds out of my mouth.

“Look, I’m sorry that I tricked you into kissing me. I should’ve known better. It’s all my fault.”

Why would she blame herself? I was the one at fault here.

“I understand that you can’t handle the attention you might get from being me. But please don’t leave me. You’re my only friend.”

I wanted to say that I wouldn’t leave her, and yet I remained frozen.

“I’ve never felt close to anyone my age, and you’re the first and the only one. I don’t want to lose you, so please don’t leave me alone. I can’t handle it. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to lose you.”

I wanted to comfort her, and yet I remained frozen.

“If you don’t like the attention, I’ll put on a disguise when we hang out. I’ll make sure to invite you to where there aren’t many people around so you feel comfortable. We can hang out at my place, maybe yours if that’s what you’re comfortable with. Just please, don’t leave me alone. We don’t have to meet; just through video call is fine, just through text is fine. As long as I can talk to you, any way is fine. So please don’t leave me again. I beg of you.”

Tears started to well up in her eyes, and yet I remained frozen.

“What is it, Lena? What’s your answer? Why don’t you say something? What do you want me to do? Do you want me to get on my knees and beg? Cuz I’ll do it. Anything. I’ll do anything. So please, tell me that you’re not going to leave me.”

Her grip on my hand tightened. It started to be painful, and yet I remained frozen.

“Please, Lena. I’m sorry. I’ll do anything to get you back. I’ll take that article down, I’ll sue the hell out of the guy who took photos of us, hell, I’ll quit acting if that’s what you want. Anything you want, so please stop ignoring me. I don’t want to lose you again. It hurt so much when I had to watch you walk away. I don’t want that anymore.”

She held my hand up to her face, her body shook as warm teardrops dripped down on my fingers, and yet I remained frozen.

“Why won’t you say anything?! Please, say something. Anything. Let me know what’s on your mind. I want to know why you don’t want me around. I’ll do anything to fix it, so please say something so I know. I’m sorry that I hurt you, but please let me be with you. I don’t want to feel lonely anymore. I’m sorry...”

Hearing her repeat “please” and “I’m sorry” over and over again broke my heart, and yet I remained frozen.

“...So that’s your answer.”

She raised her head. Her eyes reddened from the tears that flowed down her cheeks, painting a trail of mascara along their path, and yet I remained frozen.

“I get it. You don’t want me around anymore. Staying with me might bring you unwanted attention, and I know you don’t like that.”

She wiped her tears, leaving only ruined makeup as proof that I hurt her, and yet I remained frozen.

“Thank you for spending time with me, Lena. I’m sorry for everything.”

She looked at me with her empty eyes and said:

“Goodbye.”

She turned around and walked away.

I wanted to follow her, snatched her hand and cleared things up with her and yet I remained frozen still in place as I watched her back completely disappear from my view, heart burnt with sorrow that I hurt my idol, hands numbed with cold from my inaction, head filled with words I wanted to say to her, that I didn’t blame her for what happened, I wouldn’t leave her no matter what, I wanted to be with her to make up for all the time I spent avoiding her, I enjoyed every single moment I spent with her but my mouth wouldn’t move no matter how hard I tried.

I simply froze...