Chapter 31

Nina

I didn’t return to my diary when I came home but went to sit by the window, staring into the night. Mel was the only interesting person who had shown any interest in me over all these years. The only one who had brought me out of the darkness that was my life.

I didn’t want to throw it away, but I didn’t know how I could reach for it. Hadn’t all my efforts gone to waste in the end? Every time I’d reached for it, it turned out to be for the worst. Starting with Mother and Father.

I closed my eyes. I could still see it so clearly before me: Mother in her apron, preparing dinner, wishing I would have fun during my practice. If only I hadn’t called them to come and pick me up afterwards, none of this would ever have happened, and we would still be a family.

People had told me, of course, that it wasn’t my fault. But they didn’t understand that if only I had walked home that day, like I always did, none of this would have happened. But I didn’t, and that decision would haunt me for the rest of my life.

One by one, my old friends had fallen to the side, and their calls became less and less frequent. It had been many years since I last heard from them. I didn’t blame them. I did not live a very interesting life any longer, but if that was what it took not to repeat the mistake, I would not hesitate. No more decisions that would lead to another accident. It had been my fault, and my decision was the reason they were no longer alive.

I got up and walked to the bedroom. But Mel was different. Despite everything, she wanted to stay in touch. What did she see in me and my uneventful life? I did not understand it, but I was far from asking her about it. I was just grateful she hadn’t left. But that didn’t solve my situation. How could I reach for the life she offered without risking another accident?