Killer king swap

Iori started out the game simple enough by moving her pawn to e4, but as soon as Fianna moved her pawn to e5...

"So why were you saying kings were super lame-o?" Iori asked.

"The king is weak. It is nothing but a frail old relic that should be done away with. Rather it should be-"

"Yeah, king's are lame-o, but that's why it's mondo gratifying to kick someone's ass... WITH DA BONGCLOUD!" Iori declared as she slammed her king down on e2.

Fianna merely shook her head and moved her pawn to d5. "You are just as stubborn as the old relic the king represents, or perhaps deluded," she snarled as Iori moved her queen to e1.

"But aren't you tryin' to be a king?" Iori asked as Fianna moved her knight to c6.

"No, I am a president. Presidents are the leaders of democracies, kings are nothing but rotting old relics of the past."

"Yet you have no problem with queens."

"Because the queens are more powerful. Even in Constitutional monarchies-"

"Yeah shut up, I came here to wreck your ass, not hear your soapbox. Speakin' of which, you just put soap in your mouth cuz the king and queen ARE swappin' positions, just like ya wanted," Iori snickered as she moved her king to d1.

"Perhaps I misjudged, you are not akin to a stubborn relic of the past, your akin to a degenerate deluded edgelord that thinks they're cool by saying and doing hurtful things, yet only cause harm," Fianna scoffed as she captured the pawn at e4 with her d-pawn.

"Uh, you seen the likes I get on my videos? Not to mention my N00DZ 0nly gets me mondo allowance funds," Iori snickered as she moved her pawn to f3.

"All the more reason that once this match is over, I invoke martial law to criminalize the kind of content degenerates like you like and create and repaint America- No, the entire world the way it should be." Fianna glared as she captured the pawn at f3 with her e-pawn.

"More like you're just some sadistic fuck that gets horny watchin' people be miserable," Iori scoffed as she captured the pawn at f3 with her knight.

After moving her bishop to g4, Fianna went silent and began composing her thoughts as Iori moved her bishop to b5. "Perhaps she is sharper than I thought, or just getting lucky with her guess. After all, all my detractors argue that point, yet I'm able to sway enough people to my side to win," she thought as she moved her queen to d6.

"Lol, check," Iori snickered as she captured the knight at c6 with her bishop.

Fianna didn't so much as blink at the threat as she immediately captured said bishop with her b-pawn, prompting Iori to move her pawn to h3.

"An eye for an eye, though you are in far worse shape because of your own recklessness. Check," Fianna scoffed as she captured the knight at f3 with her bishop.

Iori shrugged and simply captured said bishop with her g-pawn as Fianna moved her knight out to e7. Iori then moved her pawn to d3 while Fianna castled queen's side.

"What a dumbass, castling's for noobs," Iori snickered as she moved her queen to e4.

"And Bongclouds are for high degenerates like you," Fianna growled as she moved her pawn to f5.

"Thought you liked marijuana," Iori glared as she moved her queen to a4.

"Yes, I do since it produces a voter base that's very easy for me to sway to my side. In fact, I actually plan to get the entire populace on a drug that will turn them into proper sophisticated people," Fianna declared as she moved his queen to c5.

"You're blurtin' out dystopian state secrets like that? Damn, you're gonna get wrecked," Iori scoffed as she moved her knight to d2.

"How so? It's already begun. In fact, this delay is only due to you using the DESPER key. I would have loved to watch you be conformed to my new world order, but sadly the DESPER prioritizes death penalties above all else," Fianna snarled as she moved her pawn to a5.

Both went silent as they began moving pieces with Iori moving her queen to c4 and Fianna moving her queen to f2. Iori then moved her rook to f1, forcing Fianna's queen to g2, and giving her the opportunity to position her rook on e1. Fianna decided to bring her own rook into the mix and moved it to d5, while Iori moved her pawn to b4, prompting Fianna to capture it with her a-pawn.

Iori, however, moved her bishop to b2, prompting Fianna to defend his e-pawn by moving her queen to g3. Iori then moved her pawn up to f4, but rather than capture it, Fianna instead moved her pawn to e4. Iori also opted not to capture the pawn by moving her pawn to a3, however that allowed Fianna to advance his pawn to e3, and threaten her knight, which she promptly moved to b3. Fianna was now free to move her queen to f3, forcing Iori's king to c1. She then inched her queen down to f2, however Iori saw through her plan and moved her king back to d1.

Fianna clicked her tongue and promptly captured the pawn at a3 with her b-pawn, causing Iori to smile internally. "Dumbass just blew her lead, now it's flex time," she thought as she captured the pawn at a3 with her bishop.

The move shocked Fianna and prompted her to move his king to d7 as Iori slid her bishop to c5. Fianna then moved her queen to f1, once again sending Iori's king to c1, and prompting her to march her pawn down to e2 to prevent Iori's king from coming back to d1.

Iori didn't care one bit as she slid her rook to a6, prompting Fianna to think for a bit before moving her knight to g6. This gave Iori the opportunity to capture the bishop at f8 with her bishop, but instead of capturing it, Fianna instead opted for a queen trade and captured the pawn at f4 with her queen.

"Thought you liked queens," Iori scoffed as she captured the queen at f4 with her queen.

"I do, but sometimes sacrifices must be made," Fianna grumbled as she captured said queen with her knight.

"Sucks for you then, cuz now you're down a queen," Iori snickered as she captured the pawn at g7 with her bishop.

That move prompted Fianna to move her rook to b8, but as soon as Iori moved her rook to a3, she instantly moved her rook to g8. 

"Lol, discovery," Iori grinned as she moved her bishop to h6, eliciting some frustration from Fianna as she moved her knight to e6.

Iori then continued the attack by moving her rook up to a4, while Fianna began her own attack by moving her rook to g3. Iori immediately saw through the attack and moved her rook to h4, prompting Fianna to click her tongue and move her rook to e5.

"Time for the lame-o king to wreck ya again," Iori snickered as she moved her king to d2.

Unamused, Fianna nudged her rook to g2.

"Discovery numba 2, motherfucker!" Iori shouted as she moved her bishop to f4.

"No, you degenerate, it is not a discovery, it is a trade," Fianna glared as she captured said bishop with her knight.

"Then I'll take it. I get the better deal," Iori grinned as she captured said knight with her rook.

"You're only up by a point. The game is far from over," Fianna snarled as she moved her pawn to c5.

"Yeah sure," Iori thought as she moved her knight to a5.

To her delight, Fianna moved her rook to h2, allowing her to move her knight to c4, forcing Fianna to move her rook to e8.

"Lol, free pawns for me," Iori snickered as she captured the pawn at f5 with her rook, eliciting a frustrated groan from Fianna as she captured the pawn at h3 with her rook.

Iori then swept up the pawn at c5 with her rook as Fianna advanced her pawn to h5. "Lol, this is why knights are the best, they WRECK! CHECK!" Iori shouted as she slammed her knight down on e5.

A bead of sweat began to run down Fianna's face as she moved her king to c8. "No, NO! I'm NOT going to lose after she not only played a Bongcloud, but also that stupid king and queen position swap!" she thought as Iori captured the pawn at e2 with her rook.

Fianna immediately moved his rook to g3 while Iori moved her rook to a5. She then moved her rook to e6 while Iori moved her rook to h2, prompting her to then move her rook to h6. Still waiting for a good opportunity, Iori moved her rook to f2, and began grinning from ear to ear after Fianna moved her king to b7. Now she was able to move her rook to f8, while Fianna opted to move her rook to a6.

"Just sealed your doom, so how's it feel to lose to a Bongcloud AND a king n' queen swap?" Iori snickered as she moved her rook to b5.

"You count your chickens before they hatch!" Fianna shouted as she slammed her rook down on b6.

"Nah, your ass is dead," Iori grinned as she slid her rook to c5.

"Like hell I'm losing!" Fianna scoffed as she moved her rook to g2.

Iori shrugged and slid her king to c3 as Fianna moved her rook to g5. She then moved her rook to f7 as Fianna, visibly growing more uneasy, moved his king to a6.

"Looks like ya finally cracked," Iori snickered as she captured the pawn at c7 with her f-rook.

"Not in the slightest," Fianna snarled as she quickly moved her rook to b7.

"Nope, that just fucked ya over. Time to play the opening theme song," Iori snickered as she moved her 7-rook to c6.

As music began to play, Fianna scowled and moved her king to a7. "You degenerates do nothing but hype monger and produce clickbait nothing burgers."

"Guess politicians really do try and deflect, too bad this hit knocked ya off your feet," Iori grinned as she slammed her rook down on a5, causing Fianna to scowl and move her king to b8. "Time for the chorus!" Iori grinned as she moved her knight to d7, forcing Fianna to capture it with her rook.

She then captured the rook at g5 with her rook, causing more sweat to run down Fianna's face as she panicked and captured the pawn at d3 with her rook. "NO! I-"

"Lol, you gettin' sweaty? Cuz I think I'm winning, right?" Iori taunted as she captured the rook at d3 with her king.

"LIKE HELL I'M GOING TO LOSE TO A DESPICABLE DEGENERATE HEARTLESS MURDERING WHORE LIKE YOU!" Fianna shouted as she moved his king to a8.

"Well too bad, you're about to, motherfucker!" Iori grinned as she captured the pawn at h4 with her rook, eliciting a terrified scream from Fianna.

"NO! NO! I CAN'T LOSE!" Fianna frantically thought as she moved her king to b8.

"15 down, one to go," Iori snickered as she moved her king to d4.

This move caused Fianna to calm down a bit as she moved her king to a8. "She wants to try and do something cool I bet. Yes, this is my chance to weasel out of this with a stalemate," she thought as Iori moved her rook to h7, forcing her king to b8.

"Yeah, you can shuffle between a8 and b8 until I'm ready to wreck ya," Iori glared as she marched her king to d5.

"And just why are you marching your king here?" Fianna asked as she moved his king to a8.

"Cuz you're gonna get mated by the king you hate so much, that's why!" Iori snickered as she moved her king to d6.

"THE KING'S CAN'T MATE EACH OTHER, YOU FOOL!" Fianna shouted as she moved his king to b8.

"Oh yes they can," Iori snickered as she moved her king to d7. However, her grin got even more malicious after Fianna moved her king to a8. "Oh, now I might be able to go for a quadruple kill," she thought as she moved her rook to c7.

Fianna began going paler than a sheet as she moved her king to b8. "Calm down. She could easily stalemate me if she's not careful. Yes, there's no way she could truly beat a manipulator as good as me," she thought. "Do think carefully about your actions, young woman. I am an influential politician. Should you kill me-"

"Yeah, I've killed plenty of politicians already. Nothing new," Iori scoffed as she moved her king to d8.

Fianna nervously clicked her tongue and moved her king to a8, while Iori advanced her rook to h8. "It seems she's truly trying to do something stupid, giving me the chance to pounce on her. If I can sway her with words, stalemate is guaranteed," she thought as she moved her king to b8. "Murder is a serious crime, and should you murder someone like me, it will not only hurt others, but yourself as well. Don't be a heartless piece of shit, be compassionate."

"DESPER matches don't count as murder, nor do you deserve an ounce of compassion from me."

"B- But you would earn you the ire and scorn of my supporters if you killed me here."

"So? If an army comes after me, I just kill em with my own army," Iori glared as she moved her rook to g8.

Fianna let out a frustrated shriek as she moved her king to a8. "I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THE MOST POWERFUL NATION IN THE WORLD! IF YOU KILL ME HERE, THE REPERCUSSIONS WILL BE-"

"So? I killed people of all walks of life back when I killed for funsies. Why the hell would some lame-ass president make much of a difference?"

"But... we're family. Yes, we're related by blood! You wouldn't want to relieve the trauma of-"

"Huh? You're trying to play that card now? Maybe we're related by blood, but I sure as hell don't consider you family. Now before ya turn into Swiss cheese, just thought I'd mention you lost to a Bongcloud, king n' queen swap, lost all your pieces, lost on the 69th move, and got checkmated by the king. Talk about ultimate disrespect."

"BULLSHIT! THE KING IS POWERLESS! IT CAN'T-"

SLAM!

"Checkmate, you lame ass motherfucker," Iori coldly snickered as she slammed her king down on e7 and gave Fianna the middle finger.

Fianna stared in horror at the board, thanks to the king moving to e7, she had been mated by a discovered checkmate from the rook and lost the game in humiliating fashion. Before she could react, she was teleported over to the edge of the Grand Canyon and found herself staring face to face with a firing squad of 44 machine guns aimed directly at her.

A drone camera then materialized and began filming as Iori gleefully whipped out her phone and watched as Fianna was pummeled by the firing squad. Her blood and guts spilled everywhere and one of her hands was even blown off as her vision began to blur.

"No... My dystopian utopia... I was going to rule... the world. I made a terrible error in judgment... This woman isn't a degenerate whore... she's a diabolical and truly heartless monster, or perhaps even... the devil herself," Fianna thought as she fell into the canyon and ragdolling off the edges of the cliff before falling into the Colorado river with a mighty splash.

A red streak of blood adorned the rushing river as it whisked Fianna's body away, crashing it against rocks and edges as it went. Iori quickly snagged Fianna's DESPER and gleefully watched the livestream of her corpse being washed away. She was then warped back to Kawaguchi, and a few seconds later, Fianna's DESPER emitted a puff of smoke, signifying her true demise.

"Guess she's dead. Sorry Mimo-chan, sometimes you just gotta kill someone if you don't want them coming back to bite you in the future," Iori thought as she pocketed Fianna's busted DESPER and took a look around. "Feels weird being back here, almost like the whole thing was a dream."

"I- Iori?"

Iori turned and stared in shock. Before her was none other than Carol. "Alright, we'll each explain what happened to us first," she shrugged as Carol nodded in approval.

The full game:

White: Iori Ishikiridokoro (1344) Black: Fianna Broadstone (2921)

1. e4 e5

2. Ke2 d5

3. Qe1 Nc6

4. Kd1 dxe4

5. f3 exf3

6. Nxf3 Bg4

7. Bb5 Qd6

8. Bxc6+ bxc6

9. h3 Bxf3+

10. gxf3 Ne7

11. d3 O-O-O

12. Qe4 f5

13. Qa4 Qc5

14. Nd2 a5

15. Qc4 Qf2

16. Rf1 Qg2

17. Re1 Rd5

18. b4 axb4

19. Bb2 Qg3

20. f4 e4

21. a3 e3

22. Nb3 Qf3+

23. Kc1 Qf2

24. Kd1 bxa3

25. Bxa3 Kd7

26. Bc5 Qf3+

27. Kc1 e2

28. Ra6 Ng6

29. Bxf8 Qxf4+

30. Qxf4 Nxf4

31. Bxg7 Rb8

32. Ra3 Rg8

33. Bh6 Ne6

34. Ra4 Rg3

35. Rh4 Re5

36. Kd2 Rg2

37. Bf4 Nxf4

38. Rxf4 c5

39. Na5 Rh2

40. Nc4 Re8

41. Rxf5 Rxh3

42. Rxc5 h5

43. Ne5+ Kc8

44. Rxe2 Rg3

45. Ra5 Re6

46. Rh2 Rh6

47. Rf2 Kb7

48. Rf8 Ra6

49. Rb5+ Rb6

50. Rc5 Rg2+

51. Kc3 Rg5

52. Rf7 Ka6

53. Rfxc7 Rb7

54. R7c6+ Ka7

55. Ra5+ Kb8

56. Nd7+ Rxd7

57. Rxg5 Rxd3+

58. Kxd3 Ka8

59. Rxh5 Kb8

60. Kd4 Ka8

61. Rh7 Kb8

62. Kd5 Ka8

63. Kd6 Kb8

64. Kd7 Ka8

65. Rc7 Kb8

66. Kd8 Ka8

67. Rh8 Kb8

68. Rg8 Ka8

69. Ke7#