Ephemeral Calm

That morning, I woke up earlier than usual. There was no reason that stuck out to me. It wasn't out of discomfort, and neither was I feeling that tired for once, counter to my usual struggle with sleeping. The possibility didn't occur to me at the time, but maybe I had actually managed a full night's sleep. I didn't think that would be the reason though. Only a few nights before, I had been standing metres away from the largest Leviathan I had ever seen, and the idea of seeing one at all was still new to me. I lifted my shirt and rubbed my chest, flinching as I made contact with my injured ribs. Due to Saga's intervention, I'd avoided breaking them, although I came so close that, at the time, I believed I had. It only hurt in the mornings and at night, the times when the distractions of life on the island faded away, leaving me alone and letting the pain creep up on me.

The only answer I could reasonably come to was that my body desired rest in order to heal.

Questioned bounced around in my head over the dream I'd had that night. What did that girl mean by 'requested'? Whoever she was, she was more than the anaesthetic-induced dream I believed she had been. There was a concerning amount of consistency in what I was seeing. This was ironic for me to say, given how messy and nonsensical the world in the dream was.

I shook my head to try and clear the smog away. I didn't have time to linger on my dreams. I wasn't the kind of person to keep dream diaries or try to interpret what my dreams meant, anyway. I just let them fade away naturally, as all dreams should. With that, I realised that there was no way I was going to get myself to go back to sleep, and instead decided to take a walk around the island to wake myself up more. 

---

I'd not paid too much attention to it before, but seeing it again made it hard to ignore. The three-metre tall chainlink fence ran around the edge of the island, standing on the edge between the coast and the inner island. I had only ever seen one gate, and it was on the south side of the island, leading out onto the widest beach. There was an exception to the gate, however, and that was the platform where the first Leviathan had attacked, located near to the headquarters building. The reason for this was obvious, though. The platform was elevated and attached to a cliff. A gate was hardly needed when the only other option was to fall to your death. 

I looked out onto the unknown ocean. Of course, I knew it by name, but laying eyes upon it was a different story. The wash of the waves, the foam, the coy ganting of seabirds bobbing in the breeze. Hearing about the Pacific and its miles upon miles of open expanse was nothing in comparison. Seeing it from above, on maps and on the internet, always imbued in me a sense of existential dread that wrenched my gut. I remember, as a child, zooming in on satellite images was a sort of game I played with myself, where I'd want to see it up close but immediately become disturbed by it and scroll back into the safety of land. 

I forced myself to ignore the fence. I peered through it, wiggling my vision through the gaps. Once my mind was on the other side, my eyes were opened. The morning sun glistened on the horizon, glazing the water with honeyed tones of yellow and blue, mingling together as sea and sky frolicked as one. It was the kind of view I had never even dreamed of seeing before.

But everything was so far. The horizon was beautiful, but empty. Blue fell into blue and continued endlessly, a strip of hazy, blank white painted between. What was out there? No matter how much I squinted, I could never see.

I admired the mystery from afar. Even in person, I wanted to stay on the safety of land. Leviathans, the creatures I had been tasked with defeating, also inhabited that same vast desolation. Perhaps it was better if I remembered the fence was there.

---

"So, you coming later?"

"...Coming?"

I was standing in the hallway outside my room, where I'd been caught by Hoshizuna, who was also passing by. 

"Yeah, the post-mission meal this afternoon. I offered to cook again, but... quite a few people were raving about sushi instead. Apparently, Anya picked some up while we were in Odaiba. Pretty neat, right?"

Sushi...

I'd eaten sushi before, but from what I'd heard, the sushi you find outside of Japan is like chalk and cheese compared to what you can find domestically. The thought of having more properly prepared food made me start to drool a bit.

Thank god, I can wait another day before going back to instant noodles...

"Anyway, everyone who was with us for the mission will be there too, so if you're interested, come along and join us."

She leaned in and nudged me with her elbow.

"I hear it's going to be expensive stuff. You better get there early if you're aiming for anything in particular, before everyone snaffles it up."

---

The gathering at the headquarters, even if it was a simple celebration meal, took on a different atmosphere than the meal I'd shared at the restaurant the night before. After noticing on the way in, I was told by Anya that Morpho and Rinko had been taken away on mainland business. The air was more sterile, and despite not being at work, there was a sense that we all had to maintain some sort of basic level of professionalism with each other. The cause of this, naturally, was Minamoto, who was positioned towering above the sushi, the platter laid out before her like rows of soldiers.

"Once again, this dish is an emblem of our continued success. Do not forget what you eat tonight. One day, if all goes according to plan, these meals will not just be rare rewards. They will be something that all of us can enjoy regularly."

Despite Minamoto's attempt at a rousing speech, nobody was noticeably inspired by it. For some, it went one ear and out the other. I had the feeling that there had been many like it in the past.

Anya stepped forward holding a clipboard.

"I'll be taking requests if anyone has any preferences on sushi fillings."

Raphaelle jumped at the opportunity.

"Ooh, ooh! Pickled plum and cucumber, please!"

She excitedly flung her selection onto her plate, somehow managing to catch them despite her sloppy and hurried chopstick movements. 

Tsubaki stepped up, waiting a moment for Raphaelle to have fully cleared away from the platter.

"Negitoro, please. Fatty tuna and scallion."

Anya nodded and took the relevant note on her list. I wondered what exactly she was gaining from making a note of everyone's sushi preferences.

Eri approached the platter next.

"Cucumber."

Anya had already started writing, and Eri took that as her cue to continue on, quietly placing a selection of cucumber sushi pieces onto her plate.

Hoshizuna was next in the queue.

"I'll take some Inari-zushi if you have any."

"Unfortunately there's only what's available on the table."

"Ah, sorry, I wasn't looking that hard", Hoshizuna apologised with a chuckle. Something about her laugh seemed strained, and when I looked closer, her hair was still a bit messy, and there was fatigue hanging around her face, with dark patches below her eyes. But she continued to push it away regardless.

"Is there anything else that takes your fancy?"

"Oh, I'll have some salmon nigiri in that case."

"And for you, Beryl?"

Somehow, I'd already reached the front of the queue. Overloaded by the presence of everyone, I hadn't had the chance to properly look at the sushi selection.

"Oh, uh... I haven't ever had sushi in Japan before. I think the ones I've tried are westernised ones... do you recommend any?"

"Recommend? To be honest, lapachka, I'm not much of a sushi eater myself either."

Hoshizuna spun around, swallowing one of the pieces of nigiri she'd stuffed in her mouth a moment ago without even having made it to the seating area with the others.

"You not sure what to pick? Hm... you know, as much as it pains me to say, I can't get the image of crab out of my mind..."

I'll do my best to imagine that's for a reason other than my hair...

"...Is there any uramakizushi, Anya?"

"The inside-out one?"

"Mhm. I heard it's popular outside of Japan."

Anya took a pair of chopsticks and pointed to the corner of the platter.

I leaned over the table slightly to inspect it. It did look a lot more like the sushi I was used to seeing than the others on the table. I didn't want to be picky anyway, I was planning to eat whatever I was offered.

"That would be great, thanks."

"Looks like there's a decent variety there. Fatty tuna, which is my favourite, and salmon are good if you're a fish fan. Cucumber if you're into your vegetables."

I was already becoming self-conscious, so I lifted a few at random onto a plate and joined the others over at the table. On my way there, the juvenile voice of Madam Sharpe informed me that she was next in the queue.

"But Urielll, raw fish is icky..."

"I assure you, sushi is actually quite delicious once you try it. If you would at least do Miss Yahontov the pleasure of tasting at least one piece of the sushi she so politely arranged for us, then that would be greatly appreciated."

"...Fine..."

But Anya shook her head with a gentle smile.

"I already considered that Maeve might not like sushi as it is, so I prepared some chirashizushi as well, especially for her. It's a rice bowl with toppings, so it might be a bit more approachable for her."

"Thank you very much, Miss Yahontov. You honestly did not need to go to such lengths but I am grateful regardless."

Pinching the edge of a bowl at the end of the table, Anya escorted it over to Maeve.

"The toppings are tuna and egg, both cooked."

Maeve made an attempt to look unimpressed, but the smell alone grabbed her attention, and she clasped it between her small hands.

"This is quite the treat. Do you not agree, Madam?"

"M...Mhm... Thanks... Thanks Anya!"

"Would you like a spoon?"

"N-No! I can manage with chopsticks. I've been learning."

Now satisfied by the promise of food, Maeve and Uriel walked together toward the table. Realising I'd been hanging back somewhat to listen in, I hurried myself to make it to the table before they did.

When I did arrive at the table, the first thing I noticed was that Minamoto wasn't sat down, and neither did she have any sushi with her.

Why would the Captain not be eating as well?

I brushed it off as being part of some diet or strict exercise regimen she was sticking to. She was more dedicated to her job than anyone else after all. So I returned to my food without pursuing it any further.

In my rush, I'd only picked up three pieces.

Idiot.

Of the three I'd ended up with, I had one crab, one fatty tuna, and one cucumber.

I still couldn't escape being labelled as a crab in the end...

"This is part of it, I'm afraid."

"Hm?"

I turned around and spotted Anya, who had taken a seat beside me. In keeping with what she'd mentioned earlier, she didn't have any sushi on her plate. Instead, there was some thinly-slicked mackerel and a bowl of what appeared to be miso soup.

"Waiting. Unfortunately, we can't just spawn more Leviathans. Our work revolves around limited resources. When our time comes, when we're called out on a mission, and even if we all consider it work, it's our time to be useful. But once that's over, we're put back in the box. Not that I'm entirely against it, it's important to sit down, take a rest and reflect before heading out again. 

A few of us do contract work on the mainland, but that's no less a pastime than what everyone else does while we wait for our next mission. The only difference is that they earn money from it."

"What about the Captain?"

"The Captain? I think she struggles with the wait most of all. She refuses to do contract work. I couldn't tell you why, but my guess is that she sees it as being below her. Not because it's demeaning, although it can be. But because she lives to fight the Leviathans."

I could tell from the moment that I met Minamoto, and her fervernt eagerness to get me to join, that the objective of defeating Leviathans had become her life. By agreeing to join, I'd accepted that same burden. If I continued on this path, would I one day become like her...?

No, I didn't have time for thoughts like this. It was the only option I had. And the one that I had to take. The world had shown me my future, and it meant didn't have to struggle and squirm over choices anymore. 

I fiddled with the sushi on my plate. The fatty tuna one, in particular, took my eye, and I squished it between my chopsticks until, coming back to reality, I realised what I was doing might be considered rude.

"You were very receptive to Hoshizuna's words earlier. You also live in the same dorm together, isn't that right?"

I nodded, but not that it made a difference. Knowing Anya, she was probably the person that organised it to be that way.

"It's quite easy to bond with her. She's always the big sister to the newer members. She's taken a special liking to you, it seems, in her own way. But a familiar Russian phrase says: 'in a quiet lagoon, devils dwell'."

Devils? What could that mean?

I chose to gloss over it, for now, taking it as being an idiosyncrasy of Russian sayings that I didn't understand.

"Is Eri also a newer member, in that case?"

"Ah, good of you to figure that out. Eri is the second most recent member after you, in fact."

"She's not been here for much longer than me, then... and she was only in high school, too."

"Death isn't picky, I'm afraid. It comes for us all, eventually, some just earlier than others. You could consider us the lucky ones. If you call this luck, that is."

Anya then rubbed the back of her neck, shrinking between her shoulders in embarrassment.

"Sorry, I really shouldn't be bringing such morbid topics up at the dinner table. Last time, the Captain had to scold me for talking about my research over hotpot."

"It's... okay, I'm not in a rush to eat anyway."

"Are you not going to have any soy sauce with yours?"

"Uh, I think I'll be fine. I'll just have it as it is."

---

Before I knew it, mealtime had passed. I had the common problem of, after gatherings, wandering around aimlessly not knowing if I should leave or not, which singled me out in the eyes of Minamoto as being someone who could be given a chore to do. So she decided to saddle me with tidying away the empty dishes.

Even on this team, I'm still treated as an intern...

In the kitchen area, I sorted through the stack of plates one by one, and set the sound of clinking china into the background as I returned to the main room to collect more. Peeking out through the droning voices was the unique, girlish pitch of Maeve.

"Heyy, Uriel."

"Yes, Madam?"

"Come on, just call me Maeve already."

"As you wish, Madam Maeve."

"Ugh, fine. Anyway, can I go help Beryl with the dishes?"

"I will not be there to supervise you, therefore I cannot permit it."

"Huhh? Pleasee. If I do chores, I get more ice cream, right?"

"That may be true, but I cannot leave you unsupervised."

"Fine... then...

She scans the room with eyes like headlamps until she spots me, and they light up.

"There you are, Beryl! You'll wash the dishes with me, won't you Big Sis Beryl?"

Big SIs... Beryl?

"Um, I..."

Talking to children was not my forte. Their ability to pick on the weakest prey really was scary, too...

"Learning the basics of warfare already, Maeve? Strengthening your cause with allies."

I'm glad Minamoto finds this so amusing...

"Well... so long as Beryl agrees to it, I suppose I could permit it just this once."

"Yaaay! You're the best, Uriel."

She ran up and hugged him. He remained as stiff as a board as her small frame clung to him.

"Report to myself or the Captain once you complete your chores for your reward."

"It's cookie dough today, Maeve", Anya informed her.

"Oooh. I'll wash the dishes extra hard! Come on, Big Sis Beryl!"

She tugged at my shirt as I was dragged out into the kitchen area.

"W-Wait, Maeve, we need the dishes first..."

"Oh, right!"

Berrak, who had been sat in calm silence with Raphaelle, made himself known to the room, sliding in a comment as Maeve and I passed them.

"Sometimes I wonder how such a small girl has such a bottomless stomach."

Raphaelle, whose plate was still not empty (and the one person I was hoping would finish soon so I didn't have any extra plates to wash later) slipped another piece of sushi into her mouth, replying at the same time.

"Well, one thing's for sure, she's easy to motivate."

---

Maeve's dishwashing method was far from efficient, with her splashing water all over the sideboard by turning the tap pressure on too high or forgetting to be careful when rinsing the inside of a spoon. Her oversized sleeves would also dip in the water basin, something she tried and failed to avoid doing with each new piece of crockery or cutlery.

As I collected the dishes from her to dry with a cloth, I noticed that moisture was starting to well in the corners of her eyes.

Was she... crying?

I wasn't sure how to approach the issue. I never knew what to say when someone was crying. I lingered there awkwardly awaiting the next plate. With a sniffle, she apologised, something I had labelled as uncharacteristic of her.

"I'm sorry..."

"H-Hm? It's fine."

"Beryl... can you not tell Uriel about this?"

I tilted my head at her in confusion.

"I'm actually... pretty scared of the Leviathans. I tried to forget about it, but..."

Despite how normal it should have been for a girl her age to be scared of eldritch monsters, her reactions so far, her apathy and strange enthusiasm, had almost led me to believe that they really did have no effect on her. I thought she, much like the others here, had been desensitised to the carnal fear of being in their presence.

"The one from before... I ran right at it. It was so close, and I'd never felt so small. I was so scared but... I threw that away, I wanted to turn that fear into confidence so he wouldn't have to worry anymore..."

A tear rolled down her cheek. A single tear, but it was enough to break the image I had of her. A stream of innocence that stripped away the exterior that I had perceived. Underneath the determination and mischievousness was still a little girl.

"Uriel's a big softie... he worries about me way too much. So I gotta get strong. And if I can't do that yet, then I gotta look strong, right?. If I can get strong enough, then he won't have to spend so much time and energy on me, and maybe he can even do his own things too. I can prove to him that I can manage on my own. Then one day we can go back, together..."

She wiped the tears away with her sleeve and pumped her fists together in front of her chest.

"I'll show you, Uriel. Then I'll get all the ice cream!"

A smirk returned to her face. Even if it was forced, she wasn't going to break. She went back to washing dishes, but continued her train of thought.

"You're scared too, aren't you Big Sis Beryl? I have a feeling that everyone is. But... and this is kind of embarrassing but... there's something I admire about that! The fact that they can keep fighting and surviving even when they're against something so big and scary... that's what I want to do one day."

I never had much time to linger on how scared I've been when facing the Leviathans. Even then, when Maeve mentioned it, I couldn't dedicate much thought to it. I just did as I was told and assumed that it would allow me to survive. If I was going to honour the person that saved me, I would have to attempt to emulate that fearlessness, even if it meant denying how my body was reacting. But maybe it was there. Maybe-

"We... should get back to washing the dishes."

"R-Right! This'll be easy."

She increased her speed as if it would somehow improve her technique, but it only caused more of a catastrophe. Despite how inefficient we ended up being, I couldn't help but find some enjoyment in a chore that usually lacked it. It was actually... fun?

These shenanigans continued on for some time in relative silence, barring the splashes from the tap. Eventually, she spoke up again.

"My... mama used to wash the dishes with me. She would scold me for making a mess. But... she would always smile afterwards..."

Maeve regarded her muted reflection in the freshly washed dish, dripping with soap suds, and placed her fingers on the point on her chest where I imagined her surgery scars were. She then looked up at me with a smile and passed it over. It was the last one.

---

Now that our job had been complete, Maeve eagerly rushed over to the ice cream tub that had been waiting for her as her reward. She snatched it up and wrenched the lid off, attacking the inside with a spoon.

"You really do love ice cream."

"Mhm! What's not to love about it. It's so sweet and creamy...

What do you like, Big Sis Beryl?"

"What do I... like?"

"Yeah! There must be something you like as much as I like ice cream, right?"

"I... Uh."

I scoured my memories for a time when I felt such strong feelings. Something that drew exuberance and enjoyment from my core, but... I couldn't settle on anything. All of the examples that I flicked through were ones that I shot down as being situational or ones that I was exaggerating for the sake of satisfying Maeve with an answer. I couldn't truthfully think of one.

"Huh? Adults really are boring..."

"N-No, I think it's just me."

"What do you mean?"

"I just... I don't have that. I don't have something like an 'ice cream'. Something that I like that much."

"Really? But Anya said you've been around the whole universe! You must have found something you like!"

So even children eavesdrop here. I'll have to be more careful.

"Ha... I think she said 'university'."

"Ohh, that sounds like it. What did you do at universe tea?"

"At university? Are you... interested?"

"Uriel says that it's a long way away for me, so I want to know what kind of things adults get up to. I bet Mama and Papa would be super impressed if I started learning about adult things from everyone here, like university."

"Well... I studied Physics."

"Isn't that science? Wow, you must be so smart. What made you want to do that? I hate Maths..."

What made me want to do it...?

"I... I don't know, honestly. Everyone my age is off getting industry jobs, securing their futures, so getting a degree in a scientific field, a degree that could get me a secure job as soon as I left education, just seemed like the... logical thing to do. My mum agreed with me. She and my aunt would always talk about how unstable the job market was."

"Jobs, huh... Did you like it?"

"Huh? Uh, I..."

I looked down and saw Maeve right beside me, almost nuzzling my leg in her childlike curiosity.

"You can tell me. There aren't any adults here right now. It'll be a secret between us girls."

"It was... challenging. The exams took a lot of time away from me. In the first year, I spent so much time studying I didn't have time to go out with anyone, and I missed my chance to make friends. By the second year, I was burnt out, and I couldn't bring myself to look at another equation or diagram ever again, and by the end of my last year, I think there was only one topic on the whole curriculum that I was still interested in. I just wanted to lie down and sleep. Forever."

Maeve's face was struck by the weight of what I was saying, which I realised soon after I said it that it was too much to burden her with. Luckily, her reply showed she only absorbed some of it.

"Sleep is good! But it doesn't beat ice cream."

"I can't even remember the last time I had ice cream."

"Well... you can have some of mine!"

"Hm?"

She thrust out her hand, the tub already half empty and the contents loosening as they melted from the room temperature and the heat of the spoon. She fumbled around on the counter for another spoon and handed it to me.

"I haven't shared ice cream with anyone since mama but... you helped me with the dishes! And Uriel says I have to learn to be grateful to everyone. So... have some."

"Thank you..."

I fondled the spoon and scooped it into the tub, taking a small spoonful, not wanting to be greedy. Sliding it into my mouth, even though it was a simple pleasure, the satisfying sweetness was swift and stark, and it chilled the roof of my mouth. Maeve was right, there was nothing creamier. It was my first time eating it since... since before.

"Hehe. You like it?"

"Cookie dough was a good choice."

"Yeah! Uriel showed me a new flavour last week. It was called... uh... mat... matcha! It looked weird and green but... it was yummy. Next time, let's try some together! But you have to wash the dishes with me again! It's only fair, ice cream is a reward after all."

"Right, of course."

"You know when I said I admired something about the others? Well... I guess that kinda means you too. When you used your Pulse on the Leviathan on your first day... that was... cool."

Her face was scrunched up as if she were struggling to admit it. I could hardly blame her either.

I was... cool? But I didn't even know what I was doing.

"But it's still nothing compared to mine, alright? Don't forget that!"

She hopped off the stool, landing on the floor with a clatter from her candy-red shoes.

"Thanks again, Big Sis Beryl. I have to go back to Uriel now, or he'll start to worry. He's always on my case. Let's have ice cream again!"

She scampered out of the kitchen, through the dining area and back outside, fueled with sugar. Watching her leave, her trails of barely-kept light grey hair betrayed her youth. It added maturity to her appearance that I never noticed before, a maturity that had been thrust upon her ahead of her years. But they bounced about her back and swayed side to side with a liveliness that denied it. 

The world may have wanted Maeve to grow up, but she was adamant in refusing it.