Fading Dreams

Early May in Nikko brought floods of greenery to the mountains that were once barren and gray. Crowds had not yet descended to engage in the splendor, leaving many of the isolated roads empty, save for the elegant sedan that was currently climbing the mountains.

Inside the Century, Kaho and Shuhei were marveling at the lushness that had not been there when they had first met. Dapples of light broke through the dense canopies above them as they drove deeper into the forested terrain towards their ryokan.

It had taken some convincing, as well as a full-body scan to check for new scars, but in the end, Kaho’s parents had agreed to allow her to go on the trip. They knew it was with him, but escaping to the mountains felt more practical than trying to hide in Tokyo too much longer.

Feeling the sunlight on her skin allowed Kaho a pause of serenity that was difficult to find in Tokyo’s cacophony. Out here, deep in the woods, there was no one to see them or film them. No one to engage with beyond the occasional worker.

Driving made it difficult for Shuhei to converse with Kaho since he didn’t want to risk taking his eyes off the road to read messages. Instead, their conversation was spoken by the faint readings of veins and muscles in wrists and forearms.

The Yu River flowed beside the road, guiding them further and further from civilization’s isolation.

With every kilometer driven, Shuhei felt his body unwinding. His conversation with Shiona had forced him to admit that he didn’t care about his plan anymore, and he wanted to speak with Kaho about what their future could be. He knew there could never be anything real if he was a host, and even if he somehow managed to leave that world, its specter would haunt him for some time. Someone as prestigious as Kaho's father might never be open to her truly being with someone with a past like his.

But he wanted to ask her regardless. No matter what her answer was, he felt in his heart that his time as a host was over. That part of him had died the night he tried to kill himself. Even if he had survived, that person hadn’t. Whatever he was trying to be in Eden since his return, it was nothing more than an afterglow of what he once was.

Kaho could feel that something was troubling him. Returning to Nikko with him had seemed like a wonderful idea, but it had now begun to feel almost like a bookend. Though they hadn’t talked about it yet, she found herself longing for something more with him, and that frightened her. Wanting more was asking for more trouble. Thus far, they had been able to be complacent in their small moments together, full of stolen glances and swift kisses. But now she felt a desire to let herself be with him, but she knew that would never be allowed.

With that in her mind, she gazed out at Nikko’s forlorn mountains, quietly fearing that maybe this was all they would ever know.

No matter what, she knew she would be forever grateful for these mountains. Not just for bringing Shuhei into her life, but also for cradling her and allowing her to find some manner of rebirth after spending years adrift.

When they reached the ryokan, the sky had started to fill with afternoon clouds, hinting at temporary rain. Stray drops began to fall as their tires crunched along the gravel. Kaho watched as the drops streaked along the windows, splitting and curving along the smoothed surface as they descended to the seal.

Shuhei’s hand gently squeezed hers as he parked.

“Excited?” He slowly mouthed.

Kaho clapped in agreement.

She’d never stayed the night with a boy before. Nerves were already flickering with curious anticipation and slight reserve as she imagined everything that could await. But most of all, she was looking forward to two days alone with him. If these two days were the only bit of uninterrupted truth she might ever get with him, she wanted to make them count.

Finality was knocking at the door, and she feared they might soon have to open and greet it as a guest.

But for now, they had Nikko once more.

Shinkyo Bridge was nearby, and they planned to walk to it after checking in and changing. Shuhei approached her door and helped her out. His scent felt more earthen. She smelled of lavender. Brown looked good on him. He’d never seen her in yellow before, but her dress was lovely.

Shuhei had selected the location and room, and as they approached the entrance, Kaho realized he had spared no expense. The prestigious brand logo was subtly carved into a stone welcoming sign, and Kaho couldn’t help but thump his arm as they entered.

“I wanted to treat us,” he wrote in his notebook.

“You’re sweet. This is very nice,” Kaho replied.

He read her words, then let his fingertips run along the curve of her jaw before making his way to the counter.

If it had just been him, he likely wouldn’t even have considered such a luxurious place. But with her, he wanted to have as pleasant and luxurious a stay as possible, so he didn’t mind further breaking from his savings routine to treat them.

While Shuhei was completing the check-in, Kahi dared to allow herself to admire him. He looked as good as always, with tailored clothes hanging softly along the curves of his back and shoulders. His hair was unkempt once again, but still intentionally kept out of his eyes. His hands were large, with every muscle and ligament holding his fingers and thumbs in a careful position at his sides.

She found herself blushing when her eyes reached his waist.

When he had proposed escaping Tokyo for a night or two, Kaho agreed without any hesitation. Once he’d paid off Reiji for a free night and they settled on their date, it became real and the flutterings began to intensify. Kaho wondered if he would get tired of her if it was just them. Would he realize he didn’t like not being able to ‘talk’ with her easily? Even if he was happy, what if things advanced beyond kissing?

In truth, she wanted them to advance as much as she didn’t. She’d never been with anyone, so aside from the occasional self-exploration, those gardens and realms were foreign to her. Compared to someone like Shuhei, she felt absolutely outmatched in experience and personal understanding. Adding to that, she had only looked at her body with nothing but shame and disdain since that day at the onsen. To be intimate with someone as beautiful as Shuhei was a frightening thought.

Yet he felt so safe and soft when he glanced at her or when she felt the quiet strength in his hands.

Still, the dread of finality and her own self-worth made the potential of the endeavor all the more intimidating. All Kaho could do was focus on the immediate moments and try to treasure them just in case the dream was ending soon. As Shuhei stood in line, Kaho found herself strumming her finger along the edges of his notebook, which he’d left with her. They’d slowly been pivoting to writing instead of texting when they were together. There was a pleasant intimacy in sharing handwritten letters versus digital tomes.

As she flipped through the pages, she couldn’t help but smile at the memories of their scribbled discussions. Each page held a lovely flashback that Kaho hoped Shuhei would hold on to if they were to part soon.

Then she saw a page that stood out.

In the middle of the shared conversations, Kaho found a page that had simple sketches of hands with notes beside them. It was instructions on sign language phrases. Beside Shuhei’s rudimentary drawings of hand movements were translations that Kaho didn’t mean to see, but as soon as she saw the hands, her curiosity piqued, and she caught sight of a few words.

“I have enjoyed these weeks with you.”

“You are a beautiful person.”

…

“I’m sorry.”

Kaho closed the book as swiftly as she could, not hoping to see another word of Shuhei’s private notes. But the damage was done. The subtle cues of his selected words and phrases gave Kaho the clear indication that he seemingly planned to break up with her after this trip. It made sense. The dream had to end one day: he still wanted to be a host, and her family would never support them as a couple. These fleeting moments they’d shared would have to be enough, at least as far as formal relationships went. Besides, someone as intelligent, handsome, and kind as he could have any girl he wanted. Why would he ever settle for a scarred, deaf, solemn creature like her?

As Kaho looked up to watch him completing the check-in process, she felt the crushing weight of reality threatening to permanently anchor her to that tiled floor. If her fears were correct, and it seemed they might be, this could be her last weekend with Shuhei. With that on her heart, she set her mind to make sure that these few days back in Nikko would be as fulfilling as possible.